I heart Bharat (& snip snip to my India trip)

To all my friends named Bharat, please relax and to everyone, please forgive any major writing mishaps; whatever irks you about my writing will likely annoy you more since English is not my strong suit right now.

So... anyone who knows me personally or has been following the blog knows that I have always had a major thing for the Motherland, went earlier this year for 6 weeks and had planned a 6-month stay in India that kicked off in October.  Unlike previous trips where I stayed with family in Uttar Pradesh, the intention of this trip was a minimum of 5 months in Mumbai to do an internship or two with the hope of possibly getting a full-time job there.  I figured that since I always felt that my Momma’s land had a magnetic pull on me, felt most comfortable in my own skin while there, and considering I was sans a job (courtesy being laid off in December) that it made sense to seriously explore the possibility of living in India for a few years for work.

With great enthusiasm I got ready for India, packed my bags (btw, packing for 6 months is no easy task) & mentally prepared myself to leave my family, friends and the new love of my life, my nephew.  I was royally bummed to be leaving everyone, but I imagined all the possibilities that lay ahead of me and when I got on the plane on October 11^th, I was pumped!  However, talk about my figurative tires being deflated with a quickness…  In spite of already knowing a few people in Mumbai and being introduced to wonderful new friends (who I had a blast with), a few days into my stay, I had a major “wuh oh” feeling.  Everyone told me that I needed to give it more time (& perhaps they were right), but I’ve never known my gut instinct to betray me... whether it be a person or a place, 96% of the time, I either like you or I don’t – people/things do not “grow on me.”

Anyway, there was definitely the initial adjustment of living solo in a new city (in a technically-foreign country), but other than a run-in with a mutant cockroach and being chased down the street by a pack of ravenous stray dogs nothing too traumatic happened.   I was immensely proud of myself as I quickly learned how to take cabs solo so that I was no longer getting ripped off by them and cross the road without having someone hold my hand (if you haven’t been to India, I will post some videos, so you can understand why this is a praise-worthy feat).

My friends in Mumbai can vouch for the fact that I was definitely going through major culture shock as I verbalized my (in-their-opinion absurd) observations.   In my opinion, other than the fact that there were brown people everywhere, there was nothing very desi about Mumbai.  In fact, I felt that the majority of people there were more Westernized than I was, and I was the odd one out trying to express my inner fob whether it was in what I was wearing or my need to constantly speak Hindi (which people only seemed to speak if forced to since English is the language of preference).  Whether it was a bar, club, restaurant or a mall, I felt like I was in the US, which to me was the anti-point of being in India.  Actually, I felt like I was in NYC, which other than for a quick in and out weekend to drop a ton of money shopping, eating out & partying, I have never felt compelled to stay in long-term.   I was completely in awe of how forward/modern things were…  guys and girls smoking in packs outside of restaurants, people drinking like crazy, couples canoodling in public, and the clothes (the same clothes I brought with me but never mustered up the courage to wear) that people felt comfie wearing out and about.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not a conservative saint, not everyone that I met was like what I described above and nor do I think any of the above is bad or wrong (I'm personally not the PDA type and have never smoked, but I do drink and depending on the event, I also like to occasionally wear inappropriately short dresses). The thing was that although I’d seen all of the above in movies, I hadn’t mentally prepared myself to see it all live and Mumbai-India was the complete opposite of my previous in-India experiences.  Having said all that, regardless of how I felt, people are of course far more desi than I’ll ever be (whether they seemed like it or not) and me saying any of the above definitely does not imply that people there are sans desi values, culture or traditions.  However, after a conversation where I shared what I was feeling with someone, they said, “SM, what you call the Motherland is actually made up 2 parts:  India & Bharat.  India includes Mumbai and all the major cities and asides from a few things - like the slums or general cleanliness - is not too different from the US.  Everything else is Bharat, and that is what you love."

Uff, he was right and right then it hit me that although I thoroughly enjoy short stints in big city India and living up the metro life, what I really love is “Bharat” where… life is slow (or at least much slower)… people are still super traditional/conservative... just like people worldwide they are seeking more wealth but are still very satisfied with their simple lives... families are all about their kids getting settled once they've completed their undergrad/post-grad (which is usually by the time they turn 21-22) and “kids” are on board with this plan.... newly married couples don’t think it’s odd to have kids soon into their marriage, joint families are the norm, and 2 of my personal favorites… everyone speaks Hindi and women wear traditional Indian clothing (sarees & suits mostly) and are fully adorned in all kinds of jewelry (married women especially).  & yes, other than the latter 2 items, I likely only love everything else as an observer/visitor in comparison to life back in the States and relative to my own life as it currently is, since having been born and raised in the US most of the above wouldn’t work for me.

So basically… India, where I could actually work and fully function on my own (& perhaps even meet a potential jeevan saathi), does not tickle my personal fancy and Bharat, where the only way I could live here is likely if I had been born and raised here (or got married into some balleriffic family at a much younger age!), I make no sense in long-term and would most likely eventually drive me mad since it is so half-a$$ backwards (mostly in ways that don’t sit well w/ the feminist in me).   Although I will never say “never” for living in the Motherland (since I find that the universe then goes out of its way to turn your said "never" into your new actuality), once I came to the understanding that, in spite of my love for India and as much as I am at my best when I get to fully express my inner-fob, I am nonetheless most likely best suited for Amreeka, so I decided to cut my 6 month plan short.  (<-- Sorry for the massive run-on and jacked up punctuation sentence; I tried to edit this about 10X and my brain malfunctioned trying).  Anywho, I left Mumbai after two and a half weeks and came to Saharanpur (in UP and is where all my extended family lives), to celebrate Diwali (which everyone must do at least once in their life) and to spend the rest of my trip.

It’s interesting because after being in Saharanpur for a month, I feel like I actually live here.  I'm in the know with all the neighbors (we nod at each other in acknowledgment as we cross paths), I teach kids Bollywood dancing (& Aunties aerobics at my nephew's gym), go to classes for all kinds of stuff, make grocery runs, head to the tailor, and more all on my own.   While I’m walking about I often catch myself imagining thinking “ah, this is the good life,” but then I remind myself that this all feels so great b/c I’m with my family who is looking out for me and I would likely not find day-to-day life here so endearing as a permanent resident.

Anyway, that’s my major update!  For those of you who’ve been asking where I've been, I’m sorry, but since coming to UP, my internet connection has been awful and I constantly have anywhere from 2-5 nephews/nieces beckoning for their Bhua or climbing their way into my lap at any given moment, so sitting at my laptop for 10 minutes straight is next to impossible.  I still have lots to say about India, and I want to share some great videos/pics/stories from my trip, fill you in on dating/marriage in both small town and big city India, and why I'm so smitten with guys here, but I most likely won’t get a chance to until I get back which will be by mid-December, so I apologize in advance for several after-the-fact posts.

Once I get back, I also plan on blogging frequently about South Asian dating again.  I’ve started putting together a survey for married folks, so if anyone has any questions they’d like to add, please comment here or e-mail me at smilemoonsworld@gmail.com.

As always, thanks for reading!

Write Soon ~ Smile Moon

The Ad is On and my first real in-India Update

I'll start with the ad, because I know that's what people really want to know about.  So... I didn't wait for the whopping 8 "YES" responses to my poll on whether to place a matrimonial ad, and decided what the heck, I'm here, let's do this.  I basically wrote my own ad (a difficult task considering the limited space - now I understand why people from India write like this:  "If u cud do dis 4 me dat wud be gr8"), my parents paid for it, and my cousin brother placed it for me.  It went out last Sunday in the Times of India in all the major metro cities, and I'm not going to lie... although it was more as an experiment than anything else and I really didn't think I would meet my jeevan saathi via this ad, I did not expect the sa-aaaaad response.

In the week since the ad has been out, I've gotten only about 20 responses (apparently there isn't as much appeal to marry a US Citizen or at least not one in her 30's!) that cumulatively resulted in me feeling pity on my own fate, which was something I couldn't ever recall having felt before.  I've definitely been frustrated at the general dating situation and lack of/jacked up personal dating situations, but for the first time - after seeing a response from a described-by-his-parents "Middle Aged" prospect (a full-blown Uncle) and other men with Amrish Puri like-moustaches (see below) that were the complete opposite of what I'd ever be attracted to - I had a heavy feeling in my heart that loudly said "oh wow... are these 'stached Uncles my only option now...? Maybe I really am going to be single forever" which is bizarre because I know that the ad does not say or mean anything about the likelihood of me finding someone.

RIP Mr. Puri - lurved you as an actor but you & your 'stache were scurry!

I know, I know... I should be positive, it's far from too late, and it's more important to find the right person whenever that might be than just get married for the sake of it.  On top of all that, I have also always believed that finding your life partner is not the end-all-be-all in life, but gosh darn it, I never seriously considered the possibility of not finding that person!  At this point, I would violently shake anyone who told me that I haven't tried or am not trying, because I believe I've personally reached the ultimate in open-mindedness, putting myself "out there" and that whole bit, so I think I'm fully justified in having this "ugh" moment since every unnatural and awkward way has resulted in nada and the natural way of going out (& out and out) and meeting people has done the same. 


I know this whole post is very non-Smile Moon-ish, and if I'm bumming anyone out, I apologize.  Don't get me wrong, I am still incredibly hopeful for the whole lot of us still-singles, because I know countless stories of people who felt that they'd tried everything and then unexpectedly ended up meeting their right person.  Also, by no means am I saying that I'm throwing my hands up in the air and will no longer "try," but I'm just keeping it real and letting you know that for some reason, this whole ad experience royally bummed me out.  In spite of that, I'm not against ads (dating websites, seriously looking albums, speed dating, blind dates, dating coaches or anything else) for me or for everyone else and I will always encourage people to be proactive rather than passive in their approach - whether it be with dating or anything else.
 
So, this one post has taken me an eternity to write because of this god awful wireless internet connection I've gotten (I so miss real High Speed :-/), and I'm sure this is a long enough post as it is, so I'll give you an update on India later.  One thing I will say though before I go is that anyone who celebrates Diwali must celebrate it in at least once in the Motherland; I can guarantee that it will be one of the most fun and memorable experiences of your life. 
 
K, that's all from me!
 
Write soon ~ Smile Moon :)

If you have a pair of breasts or care about someone who does...

I really mulled over using "boobs" instead b/c I think that's the term people use more often, but I thought I'd keep it as clinical as possible.  I imagine that because I (omg) said "breasts!" this will likely be my posting with the highest readership to date; however, I hope that people came here because you qualified under the subject as either having a pair or caring about someone who does (fellas, I know you don't want to think about the anatomy of anyone other than females of the opposite sex that you are attracted to or in a relationship with, but bear with me for a second as I break it to you that other people who fall into this category include your mom, aunts, sisters, cousins, friends, female co-workers, etc.).


There is nothing original about me writing this post since we all know that October is Breast Cancer Awareness month, but I'm writing because breast cancer - or actually, anything considered as being "unwell" by the desi community - is not really talked about and as a result, there is so much general unawareness in our community about so many things that are health-related.   Naturally, when someone goes through something like cancer, they do not wish to broadcast what they are going through due to wanting privacy and also not wanting people to feel bad for them (I hate sympathy just as much as the next person).  However, in the South Asian community, you'll often hear odd things about not wanting the ill-wishes ("badhua") of people or concern over how people will perceive that person once they are recovered as if now, a person who is now completely fine, is somehow damaged goods.  You'll also find South Asians knocking on or "touching" wood because they are so fearful that if they talk about someone else going through something, they risk having to experience the same.


I am also writing this because this topic is very near and dear to me for 2 main reasons.  The #1 reason is that too many people that I know (or wish I had a chance to know) directly or indirectly have either battled against breast cancer or after having put up the bravest of fights, sadly passed well before their time.  On a side note, although this post is dedicated to breast cancer - one of the most "popular" of all cancers, ever since it became associated to the pretty pink ribbon and got a whole month dedicated to in which all kinds of awesome stuff raising funds for the cause is sold - the general issue is that South Asians (in spite of our supposedly being so darn smart) are not in the know about so many serious health issues including all cancers that don't have their own dedicated awareness months.


Now before getting into reason #2, I wanted to let you know that from here on out, although I'll definitely be blogging about my personal experiences, I will also be blogging about the experiences of "friends of mine" or "people I know."  Friends and people that I know, please don't panic, because unless I have your permission, I definitely won't be using your names, and if it's a story that common friends would know is your's (with or w/out names), I also won't be writing it w/out your permission.  Readers who don't know me well are likely and welcome to assume that when I am writing about a risque topic, I am talking about myself using a "friend of mine" as a cover.  It may even be true from time to time, but I would hope that most people who know me or at least care to know me, do not jump to the conclusion that I have experienced or am experiencing everything - from breast cancer, coronary artery disease, AIDs, every dating horror story under the sun & more - that I plan on talking about.  Many people have written to me asking me to share their stories, and before doing so, I plan on running whatever I am writing by them to make sure I've not only depicted their experience correctly, but don't said anything that - irrespective of no one knowing who they are - they wouldn't want me to say.


So, back to reason #2... an Indian friend of mine, whose Mom had done had a fantastic of job of educating her about sexual health at a young age (news flash to all desi people, "sexual health" does not mean that you are necessarily sexually active, but once your reproductive organs kick into gear - usually in your early teens - your sexual health has officially begun), took her to her first OB-GYN appointment at the then-recommended age of 18 (I believe present day guidelines say 21).  At that visit, my friend (let's call her "F") learned how to do a self-breast exam and immediately started doing them on a monthly basis as her doctor had recommended.  


Well, to her surprise, at 19, F actually stumbled across something.  Naturally, she was scared, but was reassured by her doctor that it was likely a benign fibroid (http://www.ehow.com/how_2061063_cope-breast-fibroids.html), which is very common in women under 30 and usually not cancerous, so he said they would continue to monitor it.  Although she felt relieved, she stopped doing the self-checks.  Three years later, the week before her 22nd b-day, she went in for her annual follow up exam and the doctor found another - but this time, bigger - "something" (I believe the word of doom is "lump"), so he said that it would now be best just to take whatever they were, out.  Naturally, she imagined her whole life flashing before her eyes and considering her young age, all of the things she was fearful she'd never get to do.  


Thankfully, it was just benign fibroids as the doctor had predicted and F was given a clean bill of health; since then, she routinely does monthly breast exams and sees her OB-Gyn for annual exams.  I wanted to share this particular story because I believe that too many South Asians operate in a state of ignorance when it comes to their health preferring to be blissfully unaware instead; I cannot tell you how many times I have died a little whenever I hear of a late 20-something, early 30-something South Asian female who has never been to the OB-gyn (sorry, let me clarify - specifically never had a Pap smear).  


Their reasons are earnest and plentiful... because they weren't/aren't that active, had only one partner, they were scared to, their parents didn't let them, and so on.  Ladies, I will talk about this again, but whether you have had a lifetime of heavenly cramp-free periods and you've never even held hands with a boy, the fact that you are a female, who has a menstrual cycle and are of a certain age, qualifies you to have your lady parts checked out.  & speaking of parents...  it's not their fault because they didn't know any better and grew up in a completely different world than we did, but the majority of our mostly-arranged-marriage-parents, who called having your period being "down" & found ways to give it a bad connotation by not allowing you to go to temple or pujas at that time of the month (thank goodness my parents didn't do this b/c they understood that God gave me that time of the month!), turned everything into acts of "shame shame" & assumed that b/c their kids were acche bache who were good in school, they were not having in-line experiences as their peers, did not have conversations about any thing related to sexual health whether it was about the birds and the bees, routine check-ups or dating.


Anyway, like usual, I digress, but I want to come back to the reason I was writing - your BOOBS (there, I said it)/someone else's that you care about and getting in the know about them!  If you're an older sister/cousin to a younger sister/cousin, have a conversation with her about doing self-checks or about things she might be experiencing with dating... if you are a parent reading this, commit to having conversations (or get people you trust to) with your kids about topics that make you wildly uncomfortable or that you prefer to be in denial about... if you're a husband/boyfriend, ask your boo boo the last time she went for her Pap or if she's doing routine monthly self-breast exams.


Being the smart South Asians that we are, even though we prefer not to think or talk about these topics, we should keep in mind, that God forbid we or someone we knew was to be diagnosed with something like breast cancer, the sooner it is discovered, the less invasive treatment is likely to be and the more likely that a full recovery would be made versus being diagnosed with it at a much later stage.


For those of you who read on the regular, thank you for enduring my randomness, and for those of you who made a first time visit, thank you for stopping by!


Write soon ~ Smile Moon :)


“Nothing in the world is more dangerous than a sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.” - Martin Luther King, Jr.

Indian Hospitality and the kindness of many...

Anyone who has visited India knows this, and for anyone who has ever considered visiting, this should motivate you to visit... the way Indian people (& especially in India) treat visitors/their guests is the most amazing thing ever.  They also don't like being thanked for anything they do (I am forever being told I am "too formal!"), so if the people that I am so thankful for are reading this, they're going to scold me for it later, but I can't help myself!

When I first decided that I was going to come to Mumbai, in addition to all the excitement, I had massive anxiety because in all my previous trips, I had stayed with family whereas in Mumbai, other than my new couple friends from my last trip in March and the younger brother of one of my closest friends, I really knew no one.  Thankfully, the universe was on my side in connecting me to people who would help me have the courage to not just think about going but to actually go as well as the most wonderful people in the motherland.

For example, the very day I decided to go to Mumbai, I got a Facebook friend request from someone I personally wasn't familiar with, but was connected to tons of my friends, so I accepted the request.  As with any new FB friend addition, I scoped out his profile and saw the kind of work he was involved in.  Right then, I decided to adopt a "no shame, no gain" attitude, reached out to him, overshared my random plans and asked if he wouldn't mind connecting with me.  The next day, we ended up speaking for an hour and a half; the call was originally scheduled for for 30 minutes (he rescheduled a meeting mid-call).  Learning about his work and his life was incredibly inspirational, and I was blown away that someone who I'd normally put in a whole other realm than me (you know, because othey were big and important) was so supportive and willing to help me with my efforts.  On a side note, during the call, he also revealed that he'd accidentally requested me as a friend because he thought I was another Smile Moon!  As we continued to connect almost every week thereafter, I thanked my stars for his lil' blooper and hoped that he eventually found his real SM-friend.

From that moment on, I basically reached out to everyone and anyone I could think of who might have some connection to Mumbai or know someone who might.  It was no shock to me that my close friends did everything they could to help me, but I was completely blown away by the willingness of people - most of whom I hadn't seen in years (many who were friends from my undergrad days & hadn't seen or even spoken to in close to a decade - my god, I graduated from college almost a decade ago...) and even completely random people who I would never have though would have even responded to me.

What blew me away even more was some of the people - again, the really big and important type - who these friends were willing to connect me to.  Very quickly my attitude transformed from one of not only "no shame, no gain" but if you don't ask, you shall never receive and more than anything, people are kind. 

& after my first few days in Mumbai, I can say that people are not only kind, but that they are amazingly generous.  From my now-very good friend (who almost 2 weeks ago was essentially a stranger) who picked me up from the airport and since then has talked to my frantic mom several times on the phone (if she doesn't hear from every day and within a certain amount of time, she calls him!), driven absurd lengths to get me from one place to another and gone out of his way to introduce me to people and make sure I have the true Mumbai experience to the family friends (who I had just met briefly a few months ago at my best friend's wedding) and have gone above and beyond to have me stay at their guest house, make every arrangement to ensure that I am comfortable, make every one of their personal resources available to me, I am completely taken aback by all of it.  & of course, in true SM-style, I'm feeling terribly guilty about all this kindness I'll never be able to repay.

Since all I can do is be grateful, from the bottom of my heart, I really want to thank everyone - family, friends, acquaintances & complete strangers - who have helped me with everything from giving me advice, networking for in-Mumbai opportunities/friends, helping with arrangements, playing devil's advocate and moral support.  & to my new in-Mumbai friends thank you for so warmly welcoming me to your city; I have no idea how this experience is going to play out, but I do know that I have made some friends for life in all of you. It's only been 2 weeks, but I have already had some of the best conversations, eaten the most amazing food, and had some of my most fun times (one of my fave fun times was our Anthaakshari car ride!) ever in this short amount of time.

K, well that's it on that.  Going forward, I will definitely blog about my in-India experiences, but I also want to start the discussion on South Asian dating again.  I figured I'd start with taking a poll, and please know that although I am seeking the opinion of many, I'm the go-with-my-gut and do-what-I-want-type, so please don't be surprised if I choose to do exactly the opposite of what the majority says.

POLL QUESTION (Answer to the right - above "Blog Archive"):


While in India, should my family place a matrimonial ad for me? (not with the intention of me meeting a guy settled here, but an Indian guy settled in the US - US citizen or not)  

** If you personally have placed an ad or know someone who has & have any stories - good or bad - to share about the experience, I'd appreciate it, and please check out the comments to see a previous comment from a reader about their experience with the newspaper route **


Thanks & write soon ~ SmileMoon :)

Question #2 - What will I be doing in the motherland?

hey everyone, i hope things are going well.  i'm taking a breather from my pre-india prep to answer the 2nd question from my last post.  as you can see though, i've resorted to all lower case in an effort to save a few seconds.  i have 4 days left to get everything done before i leave, and to say that i'm feeling "aaahhhhh, so much to do, so little time! aaaahhhh!!" would be a huge understatement.


so... what will i be doing for the 6 months that i'm in india?  that's a good question, and i can honestly say that i made my decision with very little thinking, zero plan in mind (other than "go and do something"), and complete disregard for what the "outcome" will be after the 6 months.  i say "outcome" because i've come to understand that if you are unable to look into your crystal ball for life and tell people (especially those who are south asian) what you are looking to accomplish "at the end of all of it," (whether it be a 6 month trip or your whole life) it almost makes them uncomfortable; if nothing else, it at least leaves them to think of you as a desi girl who has perhaps lost her mind.


*sigh,* perhaps i have, but i guess we'll determine that "at the end of all of it."

what i know for sure - and this might be reckless or unwise considering that when i come back from this trip  it will have been almost a year and a half since i got laid off which could bode unfavorably on my resume and i'll have aged further into my 30's which equates to major minus points when looking for your south asian jeevan saathi (life partner) - is that i am going to india for a life experience.  that, instead of waiting here for the perfect job, guy, and the remainder of my life to play out as i'd originally dreamt it would, it is better to have the whole "rest of my life" be a big question mark and just travel this new path one day at a time seeing where the journey takes me.

as much as i'm not living in the future, since my original decision to simply go to india and live there for 6 months, i have figured out what i want to do when i get there.  this is a loose plan, so please don't hold me to it.  since my entire professional background has been in sales & sales management for the past 10 years (pharma & the beauty industry in case anyone was wondering), i am looking to have some experiences outside of sales and in 2 areas that i've always been interested in, so... i have one internship set at an advertising firm and am hoping to arrange one more marketing internship.

i also know for sure that at the end of my trip, i will be volunteering at an orphanage & home for destitute women in vrindavan (www.vatsalyagram.org); i met the leader of vatsalya gram, Didi Maa, on her recent trip here, and i was completely mesmerized by her whole persona and the work she is doing.  since i love bache (kids) & vice-versa (if you aren't friends with me on FB, i am the ultimate "auntie!"), i cannot wait for this experience.  if i can arrange for one more in-mumbai volunteering experience (after seeing "slumdog millionaire," i really want to see what that's all about), that would be amazing.

oh & one more thing, for those of you who read my post called, down with my south asian dating blog, i will also be completing the last part of the landmark curriculum in mumbai; i have no idea what i'm getting myself into doing the course there, but i figured that if nothing else i get to meet at least a hundred (if not much more considering that it is india!) like-minded people 12 days in to my trip.

other than that, what i plan on doing is blogging about my experiences and living it up like i've never lived it up before.  i'm excited for all the sounds, sights & smells of my beloved india and to have all my new e-friends (people that i've been connected to through friends) turn into real friends, and i'm nervous for things like having to be fashionable (yours truly wears flip flops - like the $6 kind that you get from forever 21 that people in india would balk at and call "bathroom chapal" - non-stop all summer), getting from one place to another (i'm wishing myself lots of "om shanti om" for traffic) & every now and then, i have a flash of anxiety at how this - this more being my life than my trip - will "turn out."  i know that feeling is a deeply rooted script that says that there is "a way" that it looks like when it does turn out, so i acknowledge that feeling and quickly move on to the next one... being SOOOO EXCITEDDDDDD & "Aaaahhhh so much to do, so little time!!!!"

before i go, although i plan on having a whole post dedicated to them because the kindness of friends, long lost contacts and complete strangers has completely blown me away, in the meantime... from the bottom of my heart, i'd like to give a thousand thank you's to the at least 100+ people - family, friends, friends of family & friends and so many of my readers - who have been so amazingly supportive of me going on this journey and gone above and beyond to make it the experience i'm hoping to have while i'm there.

ok, back to getting things done.  write soon (from my new time zone!) ~ smile moon :)

Sorry for the quotes overload, but I heart me some good quotes (thanks to fellow kindred spirit, SV, for posting the latter two)!

It is not where you stand, but in what direction you are moving.  Sometimes we sail with the wind, sometimes we sail against it; but sail we must, and not drift, nor lie at anchor. - Oliver Wendell Holmes

Make divine choices. This is a matter of refusing to make a choice based upon the expectations of others. Instead, you decide to act in ways consistent with your purpose & who you really are. - Dick Sutphen

What you’ve done becomes the judge of what you’re going to do...especially in other people’s minds. When you’re traveling, you are what you are right there & then. People don’t have your past to hold against you. No yesterdays on the road. - William Least Heat Moon

"Husband searching in the Motherland...?"

Hi everyone,

I know I've been MIA since my last post which I am sure nauseated some of you; I apologize and although they will be far and few between, you now know to quickly hit Alt-Tab or avert your eyes when you see anything addressed to "Baby Moon."  Since my "Mumbai or Bust" post before that, I have been completely non-stop (& perhaps operating in a state of slight mania) trying to figure out the logistics for my trip, getting ready for being away for 6 months (which really involves way more than just packing although I am likely being overly ambitious trying to do everything I have ever wanted to - which includes massive projects - before I leave!) and being a nauseatingly doting Bhua (I was told that is how it correctly spelled) to my nephew. 

I actually just got back from a week over at my brother and sister in-laws and although I tried to restrain myself, I still got all choked up saying saying bye to my lil' munchkin after so much quality one-on-one time (some serious bonding happens at 4:30 in the morning!).  As I was leaving, I declared to my sis in-law that everyone should be prepared for me to be a "hot mess" when I really have to say my last "miss you until I get to kiss you"' to my lil' munchkin.

Ok, I promise that's all on that for this post and now back to Mumbai!

Since my "I'm heading to India" post, people have naturally asked me mainly the following:

• How did I decide to go?
• What will I be doing there (Find a husband?  A job?  Myself?)
• Why 6 months? (Are you dying?)

Assuming that some people are reading this blog for the first time (& if so, thanks for stopping by), here's my standard disclaimer - this will not be brief, but for everyone's sake, I will just answer one question per post.  However, the 3rd question is a one-liner.  Six months because that's as long as a visitor's visa allows you to stay for, and as for "Am I dying?" (I swear this has been implied with my "rash behavior")... all tests are normal, so (knock on wood) as far as I know, the answer is no or better said, yes, but not any faster than the next person!

How did I decide to go?  Well, it was really less a decision and more of a compulsion.  As many of you know (& if not please see Getting Laid Off + India = Wonderful), I was laid off at the end of last year.  The first two months thereafter included a lot of grief (& at the same time, relief), angst and frustration, but oddly enough freedom as well.  Mid-February, I was pretty sure my brain would explode from all the thinking and feeling I was doing as well as from applying for jobs that I wasn't really that thrilled about (which even when I did apply for them, I did not hear back from), so I decided that I needed to escape.  Naturally for me, I went to India.

The original plan was to go for 3 weeks, and I have not shared the following publicly before, b/c well... it just seemed all too desperate and embarrassing, but now since I am finally out of my head about "omg, what will everyone think?!" I will share without care.  Towards the end of my trip (the entire last week), I was overwhelmed with feelings of "I'm not ready to go back... I need more time here" and finally, the day before my flight back, I extended my trip by 3 weeks.  In addition to simply having more time in a place I've always been enamored with, I decided (with a huge and understandable "what the...?!" reaction from most of my friends & family) that I would attempt to both look for a job and a guy in the motherland.  On a side note, when I reached out to Vijay Uncle, he scolded me and sweetly implied that I was "buddhu" for not having explored that possibility sooner.

Anywho, I was totally committed to all of it, but I was naive in my planning because three weeks isn't enough time to do any kind of search for anything anywhere - let alone the motherland!  Except for sending out my resume to my in-India contacts, getting formal bio-data pics taken (they are hysterical b/c they turned me into a WHITE person; I will post a pic or two later), perusing through the matrimonial ads and one almost-in-person-meeting that went bust, I basically just had three extra weeks of vacation.

So now, one would naturally think that I'm heading back for part two of that search - find a job and let's just say what it really was... find a husband.  That assumption would make sense, but this time around, I'm not going for any of that and although no one has any reason to believe me, it's the truth.  If you happened to read my Down With My South Asian Dating Blog post and have read my blog since then, I'm definitely not the same Smile Moon that you knew who was full of angst and frustration over the entire world of South Asian dating (perhaps that's why readership has plummeted :-P).  I don't attribute all of it to doing the course I talked about, but it was a major catalyst in no longer waiting for life to happen to me... waiting for the "dream" anything (job, husband, income, etc.)...  doing what was expected (& then some if you've read my posts about online dating!) to get the "dream" results I wanted but nonetheless, still waiting for things to "turn out" and "get better."  Mind you, I was not some morbidly depressed, bitter or resentful person; I did, however, feel that a whole lot more needed to happen before life could start feeling totally "complete" or "right" and more than anything, I believed that meant finding a "life partner."

I completed Landmark Forum on July 13th, was officially done with waiting for life to "turn out," and exactly 2 weeks later, I announced that I was going to India for 6 months.  & I swear it happened just like that...  I was sitting thinking deep thoughts as I often do (now in my parents home - I moved from Chicago and back home with them) and the "I'm going to India" thought smacked the inside of my forehead and then fell right down and out of mouth.  That day, I must have contacted at least 15 different people who were either in India or had in-India connections (& omg, I was so not my typical SM self - I shamelessly asked everybody and anybody for help and I will gush later on about how amazed I was at the response from the most unexpected people!) and for the last 2 months, I've been trying to wrap up my entire life in the states as I know it.  This might sound odd since I fully intend to come back, but wrapping things up included parting with more than half of my life's belongings; I've been ruthless about getting rid of all my "stuff" and I have to say it has been quite freeing!  I have no idea why, but for some reason, knowing that I had a ton of stuff sitting here just didn't feel right.

Okay... (scroll up... scroll some more)... Hmm...  I'm not sure if I've even answered the "How did you decide?" question because it really didn't play out as most of my normal big life decisions I've made in the past have which included lots of... mulling it over, anxiety (maybe even a few sleepless nights), pros and cons lists, and most of all, seeking advice/permission/buy-in from my nearest and dearest.  Like India Part 1, for India Part 2, I did not do any mulling nor did I ask anyone; I informed them which was incredibly liberating.  Although it didn't play out like this, imagine the following conversation with the universe (& if you think it is crazy to talk to yourself, stop and listen to your thoughts for a whole minute b/c you are constantly talking to yourself!)... Me:  "Oh wait, this is my life?  & I don't have to ask for permission or justify everything I do?"  Universe: "Yes (you moron), who told you that you did?"  Me: "Uh... I did?? Oh, I did...  Sorry!"  Universe:  "Stop apologizing for everything and go do something (Idiot)!  Me:  "*Gulp* Fine, I will!"

So how did I decide?  Well, I didn't decide; I simply chose to go... chose to do something in life - versus waiting for life to happen and be "just right" - and that something is simply taking a step in the direction of a new life experience that I can only imagine that I will enjoy.  That life experience will be of living in a country I adore surrounded by "my peoples" speaking my beloved "mother tongue" (that I speak like a true Amreekan, but still I love it!); however, I've heard that all the Mumbai-ites (that is probably not what they are all called) speak English more than Hindi which is quite the bummer.  & although I will be far from actively seeking a job out there or searching for a spouse, I will also certainly not be closed to either possibility b/c that would just be... dumb, for lack of a better word.

More on what I exactly plan on doing in my next post...

Thanks for reading and write soon,

Smile Moon :)

We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. - Joseph Campbell

It is only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth - and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up - that we begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had. - Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Love at first sight is definitely real...

L.O.V.E.

For those of you who are friends with me on Facebook, you know that I recently became a Bua (which means "Dad's sister" in Hindi, so an Aunt!), and if you haven't blocked me from your news feed just yet, you also know that I am BEYOND obsessed with my nephew.  So much so that I'm finding it a bit disconcerting thinking about how much I'm going to miss him while I'm in India for 6 months and woah nelly to the guilt of even planning the trip knowing he was on his way.  However, since I've convinced myself that my nephew wants his Bua to do her thing (specific thing still TBD) and complete her forever wish of living in India, I'm just going to enjoy the time with him that I have now, continue flooding your news feeds until you block me, and use my blog as a place to stay connected with him (even if it is just in my mind) while I'm away.

Actually, my blog postings to him will be a continuation of the homework I'd assigned my family which was to write my soon-to-nephew a letter before he was born for him to open up one day in the future (perhaps when heading off to college and yes, I am the queen of everything sappy :-P).  Well, to our surprise, he arrived a month earlier than expected (Mom and baby are doing well), and I'm pretty sure no one got to write the letter.  I started writing the letter after his arrival and realized (& this won't shock anyone) that I had way too much to say for one single letter and wanted to say it all just in case; I say that not to be morbid but if you have ever been in a car in India or attempted crossing the street where cars travelled, you'll understand!  So, instead of a letter for my nephew to read in the future, he will end up with a mini "while Bua was in India" book after I bind all my postings.

Although my "letters" will be directed to my nephew, they will really be for all the lil' possibilities who come into this world in the form of babies who have arrived recently or are on their way, because on August 24th, I felt this enormous and exciting feeling of responsibility to do everything that I can to do my part (no matter how small it is) to make this world a better place for their future.  Although idealistic and perhaps naive, part of my journey to India will be an exploration on how to do just that.  I want to thank my nephew for being one of the many catalysts in getting me out of the "all about me"-and-"what I get out of life/the world," mentality that I was without any awareness living in, because from here on out, it is all about what I give to life and the world (which is his playground) because it is now all about him and his future.

A new baby is the beginning of all things - wonder, hope, a dream of possibilities. - Eda J. Le Shan


*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

Dear Baby Moon,

Welcome to this world and to this amazing experience called LIFE.  Even though I know you won't be reading this letter for a long, looong time, I'm going to write it to you as a wish that I'm sending into the universe for your future, a testament to my love for you and as if you came out knowing how to read (which knowing your super genius parents, I would not be surprised!).  It's really hard to start a letter like this, but I suppose a good place to start is our first meeting which happened a month earlier than our family expected.

When we arrived at the hospital the next day, your parents were visiting with you, so your grandparents and I hung out in your Mom's room.  I honestly felt like I was going to jump out of my skin if they didn't come back soon (hello, your dad had said 20 minutes and it had been 30!), and when I got the "OTW back" text from my bro, I was finally able to breathe normally again.  When they got back, we figured out who would meet you first from the Moon family and like the now-2nd baby in the family that I am, I insisted that I go first and solo because I needed my just-Bua-&-baby moment.

Your dad took me over to see you and when I first held the teeny-tiny-and-so-precious-smoosh that you were and you looked into my eyes, I was overcome with an emotion that I have never felt before - so much so that I cried with joy.  You and the Bro were real sweethearts for being so cool about my breakdown moment (sorry in advance because that will be the first of many - your Bua loves to cry when she's happy! :-P).  On a random note, I want you to know that that you sneezed for the first time (that we at least know of) in my arms.  Um, it was the cutest thing ever until the next cutest thing ever that you do and for the first time, "God bless you" wasn't something that just fell out of my mouth to be polite; it was really God Bless You...

One day, I'm going to take you through our convoluted family tree and explain how when you were born you were already an uncle to many and your so-cool-and-young-looking-that-this-will-be-really-hard-for-you-to-believe aunt is not only an aunt but a grandma to far too many kids in India who she is completely smitten with.  However, how I feel about you, is just oh wow; I'm talking in love, completely obsessed, and you are officially my favorite person in this whole world kind of wow.

How I feel about you almost concerns me about how I'll one day feel about my own kids (that is if your Bua actually finds you a Phupha - an Uncle - and has some!)...  You should have seen me the first time I went to the baby store to get gifts for your Mom's baby shower... I spent 3 hours in awe of everything that "my nephew needed (which of course included baby wear that professed your love for me)," came out having spent an obscene amount of money (mind you, at the time I'm writing this I've been unemployed for 9 months), and just the other day, while at Bed Bath Beyond, I became fixated on a $99 "Baby Can Read" box (I'm pretty sure you need that too!).  It is seriously a situation; however, it is also great motivation to find myself a real source of income again!

On that note, although I'm not going to explain it here, I'm heading to India for 6 months to help move me forward on the whole job/career (read: "What I want to do when I grow up") thing as well as to simply spend an extended amount of time in a place I beyond love.  Although I am completely distraught at having to leave you, I know it is the right thing for me and I'm just grateful that you didn't come a week earlier b/c I'm not sure that my sentimental-self would have booked my trip.  I'll be sure to write to you tons while I'm away and now that your super nerd dad has set up a Gmail account for you, you be sure to write me too.  Oh, and I've made your parents promise that they set up their extra laptop to Skype video you as much as humanly possible; I can't stand to miss you growing up.  & now that you're here and in the clear, I also wanted to thank you for pushing up your debut because now I get to spent 6 weeks doting on you versus the original two weeks! Yay :-D

Okay, well enough about that and let's move on to all the hopes and wishes I'm sending into the universe for your life...  First, I wanted to start with your parents because your life began with them.  I hope that you are always aware of how phenomenal your parents are and that you are so incredibly lucky to have been blessed with your Mom and Dad.  I'm going to start with your mom, because although your dad certainly helped (I know, so disturbing to us both!), your Mom not only carried you for all those months and brought you into this world, but also because there is nothing quite like the love between a mom and her child nor is there anyone quite like your mom.  Not only do you have a mom who all your guy friends are going to have crushes on one day and all your friends-who-are-girls (sorry, you are not allowed to have girlfriends - I am marrying you off one day!) are going to aspire to be like (because she is the whole package, has it all together, and makes it look enviably easy), but your mom is also a super smartie, business woman extraordinaire, and a walking personification of sweetness, love, generosity and grace.

About that whole grace thing, let me tell you about the 2 big moments in your mom's life that I was left thinking "eh?!" as to how truly graceful she was.  The first was her wedding day where you would have thought she was attending a friend's wedding and not her own because she just was SO zen about it; she wasn't concerned about or fussing over the details, how she looked or how things would turn out - she was simply enjoying the day.  The second moment was the day she went in for a routine prenatal check up one month before your actual due date and found out that YOU were going to be coming out that same day.  Even if she had any natural worries that an expecting mom would, we wouldn't have known because she was calm, collected and greeted us nervous nellies with a smile that immediately put us at peace.  That's kinda your mom's thing.

On a side note, another moment that I will always be so in awe of and grateful to your mom was the day you came home... two minutes after coming home with you for the first time, she put you in my arms without any worries that I had no prior experience with babies that were less than a year old (which is so unbelievably different than handling a newborn!).  The "to do" of the moment was to feed you, so she gave me the bottle and the basics, made me feel completely confident that I could get the task done and then sat chatting with the rest of the family as I got to work (immediately making feeding you my new favorite thing to do in life!).  I don't know if that's how all new moms would be, but in that moment and every time since then, your mom (who - without me ever saying it to her directly - knows I would want to be with you 24-7 if I could) has given me every chance possible to take care of you (irrespective of me still being a total clumsy novice - sorry about that first diaper change!).  Her doing so has made me experience something that I had many times before... deep love and gratitude that my bro scored your momma.

Now on to your so lucky-to-have your-Mom Daddy.  I've known your dad (my "bro") my whole life and well, I would have full blown Carpals Tunnels Syndrome if I went on about him the way I could.  What you should know is that as a big brother, he has always been and still is simply amazing, and as a human being, he is exceptional; I have always said "ideal," but I understand that I am biased.  You came into this world with lots of sister cousins and who knows if you arriving on Raksha Bandhan means you'll have a lil' sis of your own one day, but to say that your dad was an exemplary big bro would be the understatement of my life.  It is hard for most to believe but in all my years, your bro has never pushed, made fun of, excluded, or tormented me; instead, he took his big bro responsibilities very seriously from my arrival into this world almost 31 years ago and he has never stopped.  He has been my care taker, companion, friend and role model for my journey in life.

By the time you are reading this, you won't find this hard to believe because you'll know his nature well, but to-date, I have seen your dad mad (like enraged mad) twice in life - once when someone addressed me using a not-so-nice word and the other was when another someone acted towards me in a not-okay-with-a-big-bro kind of way - and I've never seen even an inkling of anger or frustration otherwise. They were 2 thirty-second moments and that was it, so saying that your dad is patient, kind, and tolerant would be yet another understatement.

You have been born to two extraordinary people who have such a tremendous love for each other and now you as well that just thinking about it all - and as of lately, seeing pictures of the 3 of you - can make your Bua teary-eyed.  In fact, your parents are one of the reasons that you don't have a Phupha!  Now hear me out, because that is not me blaming them; however, if after getting to know your so-awesome Bua (you are the one person in my life who is getting to know a new version of my former self and therefore might actually think I really am "so awesome"), you ever wonder why I was still single on the brink of 31, it is because after knowing couples like your parents (and my other "aspirational couples"), I am not willing to "settle."

By settle, I mean settle for the not-100%-right-with-my-gut partner simply for the sake of being married and marking off one of life's many check boxes to then get me closer to checking off the ultimate check box of having kids.  Don't get me wrong, I would still like to find that life partner and have bache (thank goodness I have you in the meantime!), but neither is any longer the end all be all for my life which they were for almost 10 months when your Bua blogged exclusively about South Asian dating (long story - I'll just send you the link one day :-P)

I'm going to stop for today, because I didn't really want to get started on me just yet (I will tell you all about your crazy-for-you Bua later!); however, I did want you to really know, never forget and constantly be grateful for you having scored with your parents.  Everything I said about them will be obvious to you growing up, but just in case you are reading this at 18 and might be thinking that you are slightly "too cool for school" (don't worry, I will always keep it real for you and remind you that you are not) and have shifted your focus to college, your friends, and having fun, you'll hopefully read this and at least go give your Mom & Dad a big hug.

Oh, and be sure to call your Bua up and begrudgingly tell her that you love her! :)

Write Soon ~ Smile Bua

We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures. - Thornton Wilder

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *
p.s. - A few people I had told about my letter idea wanted to take part in it as well (Baby Moon feels very blessed to have so many people excited at his arrival).  I plan on printing out all my blog posts to my nephew and binding them for him after I return from India, so if you want to post something to him here (please address to "Baby Moon") - whether you know him, me or his parents personally or not - it will go in the book.  & if you want to use your real name and don't feel comfie doing so here, please send e-mail at smilemoonsworld@gmail.com.

My "Mumbai or bust" dream...

(that I know is coming out of left field - sorry, I wanted to make sure it actually happened before I started writing about it)...has become a reality. On October 11th, I leave for 6 months of what some might say is my very own version of "Eat Pray Love," the NY Times best selling book by author, Elizabeth Gilbert, and recently released movie starring my all-time favorite, Julia Roberts (who I just heard recently is Hindu).  However, what I am looking to do is very different from and not at all inspired by the book; I actually bought the book after I made my decision when someone said "oh, kinda like EPL?!," but I eventually skipped past the first third of the book (Italy - I promise I did not ruin it for you) and went straight to India.  & the latter part of that is what my personal journey is going to be all about... INDIA and finally giving myself the opportunity to live in the country where I have always felt most "at home"... most like my natural and enlivened self.

Now it's natural to think that that feeling could very well be because I've only gone for short intervals and as a guest of relatives who, although I insisted they not do any of this, would sweetly but relentlessly ask me "agar mujhko kuch khaana peena hain" (if I wanted anything to eat or drink) and not allow me to even bring my own dishes to the sink after doing all that eating and drinking.   As amazing as those trips were, I know that I don't feel how I do in India because I got to live the easy life for a few weeks... unlike my parents who - in spite of spending half their lives there and being surrounded by their entire extended family - were usually  "done" with India after 2 weeks of being there, or my brother who - was born here and raised by the same parents - didn't know what to quite do with himself when our whole family went in '05 and was thrilled at being back, for some reason, India has always had an incredibly special place in my heart and every trip there has never felt like enough...

The "not enough" all started when I was 7....  My brother and I had spent the summer in India without our parents, and when it was time to leave, woah nelly.  I was in hysterics at the thought of leaving my Naaniji (grandmother) so much so that... I revolted against being "forced to leave" making for a very unpleasant long ride to the airport... when we got there, I desperately sat on the floor, engulfed my head in the pleats of my Naani's saree (oh wow, I didn't expect this... I am crying recounting this)... as I gasped for air between sobs, I responded (in Hindi) to her questions, "what about your Mummy-Papa? Your brother? won't you miss them?" by insisting that "I'd forgotten Hindi, so couldn't go back and that they would all just have to visit me!"... Finally, after refusing to follow my brother into security, I was tricked into making my way through with the lure of "Naaniji being over there."  After eagerly making my way across, I asked my brother "where is Naani?" My little girl heart shattered into a million pieces when he pointed and I saw that she was actually over there, and I was no longer allowed to go back.  *Sigh* to my poor parents & what I put them through when I came back...

Although leaving India in following trips was never something that I looked forward to, it was thankfully far less dramatic.  I understand that how I felt at the tender age of 7 was attachment to family that I only got to see every several years, but what I have felt in trips (4 in the past 6 years) during my adulthood, is something that not only tugs at my heart but at my soul.  Speaking of my soul...  after seeing my reactions to movies about India's fight for freedom, like "The Legend of Bhagat Singh," other injustices of the past (that still persist today not due to outsiders, but ignorance) in films like "Water," or even something like the present day frustration of life there which was wonderfully depicted in "Rang De Basanti," my mom has always said that I am an Indian krantikari (revolutionary) reincarnated (uhh... minus the whole-sacrificing-of-my-life-for-my-convictions thing!).

Now I don't know about all that, but I am aware that when in India, I am overcome by a sense of this is where I feel most alive (which is interesting b/c I'm really a pretty lively person as it is).  I also know my heart and how it fills up with everything from delight at non-stop hearing & speaking Hindi, intense emotion seeing something like a baraath (wedding procession) make its way down a crowded street, gratitude at experiencing the most remarkable kindness, pride at everything that is amazing, and grief over everything that is shameful and horrific... and more than anything else, my heart fills up with the possibility that I see India as and the possibility of me that I see in India.

More about that possibility, how it all transpired, & my intentions for India in future posts.

As always, thank you for reading.

Write Soon ~ Smile Moon :)

When you do things from your soul you feel a river moving in you, a joy.  When action comes from another section, the feeling disappears. ~ Jalal ad-Din Rumi

SM meets a Matchmaker (but better known as a Dating Coach) Part 2

So, for those of you who have been following the blog, you might vaguely remember a post back in February titled "Smile Moon Meets a Matchmaker."  (http://smilemoonblogs.blogspot.com/2010/02/smilemoon-meets-matchmaker.html)  In case you missed the post or don't feel like re-reading, I had recently met Bela Gandhi (then known as "Chicago's Matchmaker") and was intrigued by her services, & at the end of that post, I indicated that I was going to go through the initial personal strategy coaching that Bela offers.  Well, since then, after many meetings at "our favorite Starbucks," Bela has not only taken me through a big part of what she offers to her clients & as a result, given me incredibly insightful coaching (in regards to dating & otherwise), but she has also become one of my closest friends.  Now, due to Bela's kind heart and who she is as a human being which can be summed up as simply wonderful, I wouldn't be surprised if most of her clients feel that way about her, but I insist that I am special (not that kind of special - haters :-P) & she has really become just like the big sister I never had but always wanted.

Before being notoriously moi & going on (& on) about my personal dating coaching experience with Bela, I wanted to make sure I shared her recently launched website:  www.smartdatingacademy.com.  Please see the end of this post for an offer to receive a discount on any one of her many available coaching packages.

Now first off, for those of you who are thinking... "Why in the world would anyone want or need a dating coach?"  The answer is because DATING IS A SKILL, & it is something that the majority of us still singles are completely unskilled at.  I would say that most of us singles (I know that I was loudly & proudly in this boat), believe that we are still single either for reasons completely unbeknownst to us (see what most people selected as an answer for why they thought they were still single in the recent dating surveys @ http://smilemoonblogs.blogspot.com/2010_07_01_archive.html), because "we've tried everything & it is hopeless," or that we are single simply because the opposite sex singles or for lack of a better way of saying it - "what is left of them" - suck.  In other words, we are a victim of our circumstances and the problem (our still being single) lies outside of us & our control.

Now, please do not take this as me saying that if you/we are single that there is something wrong with us, because yes, at the end of the day, our being single or not is not 100% in our control.  However, most people are not putting in nearly as much effort as they could or should into their search.  They are resigned to sentiments such as "it is not supposed to be this hard" or because of a few (or more than they care to count) negative or unsuccessful experiences - whether it be actually dating someone & it not working out or trying a dating website, going on blind dates or attending singles/"networking" events - they have written off ever exploring any of these options again.  Or, even worse, they are still banking on it happening the "natural way" (guy & girl bump into each other at Borders & live happily ever after - I actually know a couple who met this way!), so they refuse to do anything that feels "unnatural" & if they do, then they go about in the least harmful-to-their-ego way as possible ("Fine, I'll get on one of those stupid websites, but I won't post my picture & I also won't pay for a membership.")  More on that in a future post, & now back to my coaching experience with Bela!

So... it all started off with a long initial conversation (think "consultation" in client terms) about my current dating situation which included everything from why I felt I was still single, any recurring patterns in regards to dating experiences, kinds of guys I typically went for, what I was actively doing to "put myself out there" & so on.  Basically, lots of questions from Bela & me blabbing at length (side note - Bela was plugged into my blog, so she had some solid background information like one of my big at-that-time woes "Getting her #, but not calling it" (http://smilemoonblogs.blogspot.com/2010/01/getting-her-but-not-calling-it.html -  this was also the post that got the comment from my 20-something acquaintance about how she had no trouble getting people to call her back & ironically, I'd received the comment on my Blackberry 5 minutes before meeting Bela for the first time & it made for some great conversation! :-P)

Sorry, I digress.  After the initial in-person meeting, Bela e-mailed me some questionnaires for me to fill out and gave me a homework assignment - to ask the people in my life that I felt knew me the best to give her anonymous feedback on why they thought I was still single.  You would think I'd be horrified at the thought, but like ever-the-good-student (read:  nerd) that I am, I e-mailed my brother, sister in-law along & my best friends who'd known me long enough to actually know my dating "history" & gave them Bela's e-mail address to directly send their feedback.  Bela ended up getting 5 separate responses (since I have no idea who sent in responses, thank you to whoever did!)

Future meetings (which eventually became part-coaching & part girlfriend-chat fests as our friendship grew) included getting incredible insight into my dating "trends" based on what my friends & family had to say (they were dead on & although I am the queen of introspection and knew all the same things, knowing that they ALL indicated the same positives & areas for improvement really hit home), "casting my net wide" (screening in rather than out when it came to online or in-person dating), feedback on my online profile (I gave Bela a link to the one that I was a paid member on - at the time, Shaadi.com - & she had the writer on her team review it, give me suggestions on content & ways to spruce it up), tips on what to & not to do on a first date, how to get to the 2nd date & SO much more.   At the end of all of it, I said to Bela "Omg, if I had known any of this when I first started seriously looking (which was a long time ago), I'd be married with 2 kids by now!"

No regrets though, b/c I truly believe that things do or do not happen when they are supposed to, but still, you get the point - that the "Omg!" was realizing that there were things I could have been doing differently and that in a nutshell... I was searching/dating ineffectively b/c I lacked those basic skills.  Thankfully, as Biggie once said "If you don't know, now you know..."  or even more appropriate, my fave line from G.I. Joe... "Knowing is half the battle"  *Sigh* Perhaps I'm single greatly in part to my being a super dork. :-P

Anyway, you can read another gush fest from yours truly about Bela & her services at her website (again,http://www.smartdatingacademy.com) under "Success Stories," & you can also find more on the different packages that she offers to her clients (services for both men & women).  Some of you had asked me last time about pricing, and although I don't know the cost of her newly updated services, if you are either at your wits end with the dating process or don't even know where to start (but do know what you ultimately want), reach out to Bela.  Whether you choose to go forward with making the investment (& that's exactly what it is - an investment into revolutionizing who & how you date in an effort to find what most people believe will be the most important thing in their life - their life partner), is up to you.  Also, say that SmileMoon sent you or just mention the blog in order to get 10% off any package (Offer ends 9/30/10).

Well, that's all from me.  As always, good luck with your search (however you choose to go about doing it) & thanks for reading!

Write Soon ~ Smile Moon :)

"Insanity - doing the same thing over & over again and expecting different results" - Albert Einstein

Attending My Funeral

I hope that no one got too excited or grief-stricken at the potential earlier-than-expected demise of yours truly, & I apologize for the morbid title; this concept is from "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People" by Stephen Covey & if you bear with me, there is real value to this idea especially for us 20 to 30-somethings & yes, I do think there is a correlation to dating (see below!)

Ok, so... Covey sets it up "Attending Your Own Funeral" as something like this...  Imagine that you are attending a funeral.  You see all familiar faces and upon seeing yourself in the casket (I have never been to a funeral - *knock on wood * - so the thought of wanting to look at the body of a dead person is just personally bizarre & creepy to me) & realize that it is your own funeral.  You look at the program and see that there are to be four groups of speakers:

1)  Your family

2)  Your friends

3)  Your co-workers

4)  Your church or community organization

Now, ask yourself the following questions:

1)  What would each of these speakers say about your life?

2)  What do you want to resonate about you?

3)  How would you like them to describe your character?

4)  What difference would you like to have made in their lives?

I first heard of "attending your own funeral" while listening to Covey's audio book several years ago on a road trip with my family (the Moons are super dorks :-P), & I distinctly remember being really effected by it, b/c just prior to the trip, a family friend's teenage son had passed away from what can only be called a freak accident.  Like his passing, I had always experienced death peripherally (again, knock on wood) whether it was through a fellow classmate passing away the day before our college graduation, another family friend's young 20-something son being killed in a drunk driving accident & another undergrad classmate passing away just a few years after graduation from cancer.  As someone who had never been rational when it comes to death, in spite of not or no longer being close to these individuals, I was always completely stricken (& often temporarily paralyzed) by the loss that their families would feel & that they didn't get to live "complete" lives.

However, after that particular drive & mentally "attending my own funeral," I became less concerned about what everyone would say about me (I felt that I would fare okay in that regard, but please forgive the unsolicited advice giver in me for highly recommending that anyone who has strained relationships with their family/friends or perhaps puts everything else in life above their relationships or has financial/career success at the expense of them, to consider the above seriously), & I became uber concerned with what I might not get to say to the people that I cared about in my life if my life were to unexpectedly be cut short (if my mom was reading this - & my god, thank goodness she doesn't - she would be yelling at me in Hindi saying "Shubh shubh bolo!" meaning "Speak good things").  Sorry Momma & anyone else who shares those sentiments, but I assure you that there is a positive point in all of this.

As all my close friends & family know, whether it was same-aged Aaliyah passing away in 2001 or 9-11 happening just 2 weeks later, after anything that struck that particular chord, they would get a gushy e-mail from yours truly making sure that they knew exactly how much they meant to me.  To the likely dismay of my poor friends who had to endure the sappy over-expression that has always been SM, this quote by Anna Cummins became a big part of my life "Do not save your loving speeches for your friends until they are dead.  Do not write them on their tombstones; speak them rather now instead."  I know that thinking that we might not get a chance to say or do what we want because life - our's or someone else's that we care about - gets cut short is an un-fun thought, but whether you've experienced death peripherally or directly, you know that this is simply how life sometimes goes... a person leaves their home & sometimes just doesn't come back (for my fellow fobs out there, I watched "Baabul" for the second time this weekend & the movie was part my inspiration for writing this blog. Uh... Sorry if I ruined it for anyone, but I figured if you haven't watched it by now...).

Anyway, now for the part about not getting a chance to DO what we want... (if anyone is wondering about my recent turn in subject matter, no, I am not - or at least not that I know of - dying any faster than we all are, but thank you for being concerned :-P).  If you read my last last post, "Down with the Dating Blog!" and my experience going through the Landmark Forum class, although you might still not get it, you at least know that it was a completely life changing experience for me.  I have never used this expression before, but I feel like have a new "lease on life" as well as this intense urgency about doing & being everything I want NOW.

Now the reason this all relates to dating is because I know that I was definitely someone who had put aspects of my life on pause as I would think things like "I'd like to do so & so one day with my husband..." or "when I have kids, I will..." & I know so many people - guys & girls alike - who are waiting for the rest of their lives to start or take a turn for the better (to be truly happy/fulfilling) once they find that special someone.  As a good friend of mine, JP, said to me as I shared my latest life plans with her, "Everything in life is so transient so it really just comes down to enjoying every moment and doing something that makes you happy and fills your life with meaning. Just b/c someone has a man and a career does not mean that is everlasting and etched in stone; we would like it to be, but you see the reality, engagements are broken, people die and get divorced.  Not fun, but happens.... So, it's good to focus on what makes you happy, b/c in the end your joy is like a lighthouse that will guide your soulmate to you."

So smart that friend is, & well, I have personally decided to do just that.  I am going to do whatever it takes to make sure that I am 100% complete and happy as SM & as for all the things that by most standards are "missing" right now like an appropriate job/career, a suitable husband, 2 kids & a house, if & when that all happens, that's great, but for the first time in a long time, I'm just not bothered about any of it.  This feeling is actually overwhelming because knowing that I am not my circumstances (what I do or do not have), & that happiness comes from within not from without no longer allows me to make any excuses or rationalizations about my life.  As for what's next for me??  Well, I've basically decided to throw caution to the wind (& am perhaps being a bit reckless - maybe even crazy - with my intentions) and follow my heart.  I promise to fill you in on my plans (which I'd like to again thank everyone who's been helping me make them happen) shortly!

Thanks always for reading & write soon,

Smile Moon :)

* Quotes Corner *

"Dream as if you'll live forever.  Live as if you'll die today."  - James Dean

"I'm less interested in why we're here.  I'm wholly devoted to while we're here." - Erika Harris

"Why must conversions come so late?  Why do people always apologize to corpses?" - David Brin

"Men for the sake of getting a living forget to live." - Margaret Fuller

"Most of us spend our lives as if we had another one in the bank." - Ben Irwin