My Uber-"Comment" to Vijay Uncle's Facebook Thread

Since there is no benefit for me personally - no ads, no counters, no anything - for you to come visit my blog, I hope everyone understands that my re-directing you here from Vijay Uncle's page was for no other purpose than to not be "that girl" who posted that horrifically long comment!


First, for anyone stumbling upon this who has not been reading the slew of posts & comments on Vijay Uncle's page, here's a brief re-cap (& if you have NO idea who Vijay Uncle is, please go to my very first blog post bag in September for an explanation):  

• Vijay Uncle has set up "Seriously Looking" albums for both men & women on his Facebook page on which individuals can post bio-datas with the purpose of engaging in a dating process with far higher accountability on the being direct, no-playing-games, & actually making effort factors.
• More women have posted & are posting their profiles; however, the majority of all people posting have been in their 30's with a few people in their late 20's.
• A 24-year old female contacted Vijay Uncle expressing interest in being in the album... that she was ready but (& someone please correct me if I'm wrong on any of this) she felt out of place considering the general age range for the group.
• Without identifying the girl, Vijay Uncle posted about her concern & many women (including yours truly) encouraged her to go for it b/c the 30-something guys would love to date someone in that age range.  It was inferred by some that us 30-somethings might be bitter or resentful of the 24-something.  
• Vijay Uncle's next post on his page read as follows:   "It may not be the age but attitude, stupid! Yesterday I had a lively discussion with lots of women in regards to our youngest (24 y/o) on seriously looking album. The basic tone (from other women) was that all those old guys would jump to joy due to her age. Implication was, 'no one likes me because of my biological age!' While this may be true to some extent I feel there may be something else in play. The attitude.
• To which my response (along with others was):  Hi Uncle, I hope that's not how I came across in my original "oh yeah, the 30 year-old guys will scoop you up! (or something to that effect" comment. & i'm def not threatened by girls younger than me & i think any guys or girls who are seriously looking should feel comfortable being in your album irrespective of their age. However (& i agree with A.O. on the reasoning), it's a fact that a good majority of guys do prefer women who are younger than them & for guys, that is just sooo much easier whether it b/c of a "ticking clock" or society's norms - people would look at me like a crazy person if i dated a 25-year old guy & i'd get some serious judgment thrown my way (& no i don't care, i've dated guys younger than me), but besides possibly saying "oh wow" no one would really be too bothered about a 36-year old dating a 25 year-old.  & to all the 20-somethings looking at the album & thinking "that would never be me. i'll find someone" i promise you that all of us in our early-to-mid 20's thought the same thing. so... get on it now if you're really ready!
• The clincher is Vijay Uncle's most recent posting (to which I naturally have a response & therefore decided to create a whole blog post dedicated to it) about a male who wrote to him expressing some thoughts that he could (for obvious reasons) not post with his name associated to them; therefore Uncle posted them anonymously.  
  

The message reads as follows:  "Hi Vijay Uncle, Just wanted to give you my $.02. No guy will say this with his name attached, but age is quite important to many of us. Yes, how they look and take care of themselves are key...  but, the age of "35" looms over many of us.  The statistics on childbirth scare many, and the push to marry someone younger is partially due to that number.   As well, most men simply prefer younger women, all other things equal. This would piss off, or hurt many of them who are looking...so many of us just don't want to publicize it on FB."

Oh wow.  Honestly, I wasn't sure where to begin & seriously, I'm not upset at the age part of what he is saying.  I understand that this is a consideration for men or at least for those who want to have kids one day, but I hope that EVERYONE is looking for a partner to be more than just the father/mother to their possible future children (or anything else like a paycheck, as a lot of men feel that they are to desi women), b/c you know what... you could pass up someone not in your "ideal age range" who you connect with tremendously (& who, unbeknownst to you, is actually as fertile as britney spears - FYI, conception chances decline & do not STOP as we age & men are effected as well) & end up with someone far younger thinking that relationship would be more ideal... only to find out that she has fertility problems (I think the stat is that 1 in every 7 women do) or shoot, that YOU do! ...or to the ladies, Mr. Money Bags loses his balleriffic job & you can no longer make your mortgage or buy your LV bags. Now what?


The reason divorce is so prevalent is in our generation (& I think we'd all agree that although it was infrequent in our parents' generation, Indian couples are almost on trend with American society on this one) b/c people only foresee a perfect future with their partner & aren't able to imagine all of life's "what if's"... then when REAL life hits (w/ the many ways that it does - infertility, wrinkles, hair loss, illness, children - sometimes those with special needs, job loss, financial issues, etc.), those marriages based on superficial qualities, check mark type things, & so on, are quick to fail. To people who are caught up in anything superficial, I want you to take pause (& although I wish no ill on anyone), imagine a worst case scenario that life could throw you with your partner who meets your superficial check-marks/desires.... like the ones above... or how about a situation like Christopher Reeves...?


He was only 43 (that age is really not that tremendously far off in the future for many of us) & pretty much in the prime of his life (I'm someone who believes your 30's & 40's are the true prime of people's lives & not your 20's where you just look good, party too hard, & so on) when he became a quadriplegic... I always talk about Dana & Christopher Reeves when I talk about an "ideal" relationship because their bond was so profound, spiritual & based on true unconditional love that their marriage did not take a turn for a worse; instead, it strengthened. Dana did not resent Christopher or her life... the couple even managed to be intimate with each other irrespective of the fact that he had no feeling in his body from the neck down. Now, I know a lot of people are thinking that all that worked b/c it was Christopher who suffered the injury & not Dana, but I'd like to believe different. I'd also like to believe that all these people who give so much importance to "how someone looks" & "how they take care of themselves" or "what their income/status is" that if they imagined their future life partner in a worst-case scenario (let's say the absolute worst being dropped in a tank of acid Joker-from-Batman style) would there be any substance in your relationship that would keep you from cheating or getting a divorce...? Like I said, I would hope... & the end of the day, "not leaving" comes down to character & not not obligation or anything else.


Also, sorry to rehash my point from one of my earlier comment on Vijay Uncle's page, but I can't help it after the posting about a 20-something female saying that she was "not at all concerned that (she) will not find a life partner) ... This is not directed specifically at you (I know I'm quoting you, but it's not in a negative way at all), because I understand how you feel b/c I felt it.. at 25, 26, 27, 28, even 29 & then (not b/c I think 30 is a "death sentence" or that "no one will marry me" but simply b/c I'm a practical person & can look back at how the past 4 years that had transpired), when 30 hit, that feeling of "it will happen when I want it to" started to decline. For anyone in the 20-something category, I hope you understand that Vijay Uncle's whole point & purpose is that all of us who were in awe of his presentation at NetIP, or who are in her seriously looking album, etc., we ALL thought that when we were ready - whether it was 26, 30 or later - that it would happen easily for us. We never thought we'd be here & STILL so single & free to mingle in spite of our not wanting to be.


I think Vijay Uncle would agree that we shouldn't set age targets, limits, restrictions or deadlines for ourselves. I know of plenty of girls & guys who broke up with their soulmate-type boyfriend/girlfriend when they were in their early-to-mid-2o's so that they could "explore what else is out there" or b/c they "were too young to settle down" only to find that they haven't had that connection with someone since then. The same concept applies for many who passed off meeting "potentials" (whether it be through a dating website, friends, family or otherwise) b/c "they hadn't lived life" or "they had to finish residency, their MBA, or some element of their schooling... A lot of them (especially the ladies) are now thinking "Ok, so I'm a 34-year old surgeon (or this far along in my career) but I am beyond struggling to meet guys to seriously date." I always wonder what people would choose if they had the opportunity to go back in time & do a "do-over"... omg, looking back, for a good amount of time in my 20's, I didn't want to date anyone older than my brother (who is 3 years older than me) b/c I thought it was "too weird." I was the weird one & if I could go back & do a "do over" for some of the guys I passed up for silly reasons, I definitely would.


** A side note on dating websites, although I haven't obviously had success on sites like Shaadi, I think they are great; many of my friends have met their life partners & are in amazing relationships with someone they met on there. I know we all poke fun of them (& I'm sure I'll will later on in this blog), but what exactly is weird, embarrassing or wrong about being proactive about meeting people & expanding your dating options...? **

Anywho... back to the topic at hand... It doesn't take a genius to understand why so many more women are single later in life than men; I don't think it's b/c we're bitter, jaded or incapable of being loving partners... I think a lot of it has to do with (what I think) is a fact (as in a part of their DNA) for most men (& is often the reason behind their choice in women, cars, gadgets, etc. & choosing to leave said-woman/car/gadget for a new model)... men like what's shiny, new & catches their eye... they thrive on both being intrigued by & feeling like they have the shiniest toy at their side, in their pocket or as their mode of transportation. I personally believe that men will & are passing up the older women for their younger counterparts b/c they can... Another thing along those lines is that unlike our male counterparts, 99% of Indian women born & raised in America can't just pick up @ age 36 (actually, ANY age) & head to the motherland to find their version of what the guys are going abroad for (I personally or through one degree of separation know TEN guys who've done this & quite a few of them who had no problems getting girls here)... a made-to-order Aishwariya-Rai-looking-cooks-&-cleans-highly-educated-serve-the-husband-"haan-ji" wife. The annoying thing about all of this, is that most Indian women have held out on finding their ideal Indian man for so long (while most guys nowadays are forever playing their options - US & everyone who is non-Indian - & they have infinite back-up options), but had we considered guys outside of our culture, we would have been snatched up a long time ago.


One of the biggest annoying things with us as Indians is our perceptions of age & how a female somehow becomes "less desirable" goods after a certain age. It is definitely a cultural thing, b/c I've talked to both my non-desi guy & girl friends & they think that I'm a crazy person when I talk about the "old maid @ 30" phenomenon & that according to my parents & everyone else in my community, I should have been married with 2 kids - at least one - by now. I have had many a white guy friend tell me "SmileMoon, the second you tell me to, I can line up 10 great guys - the really good kind who you are attracted to & would treat you amazingly." & although I have dated a non-Indian guy & still say I'm "open" to marrying a non-Indian, I'd be lying if I said I still wasn't holding out hope for my right Desi guy. Well, I hope that the New Year brings me (& my female counterparts in the same boat) a changed perspective... that is not a diss to the desi boys, but because when it comes to "options" the odds are DEFINITELY in their favor, why not at least expand our horizons a bit & start skewing the odds slightly in our favor as well...?


Oh, & I really hope that men (& women, but mostly men) out there understand that the beauty of being human is that we are not 100% driven by our animal instincts, DNA, biology or whatever you want to call it & those factors are not an excuse for rationalizing behavior (as people are now doing for Tiger Woods) as "that's just the way we men are..." What makes us different than animals is that we have feelings & get to make choices based on them every day... we choose to... care about someone... stay faithful... follow rules & norms of society. Doing all of that takes character & personal responsibility, & I think that's where so many people are the most challenged nowadays.


Well, now you see why I couldn't have posted a comment in the discussion... I'll end by saying thank you to Vijay Uncle... As you know, I've been poked fun at ever since I've met you for "my uncle obsession" or whatever else people like to call it, but I can take it. You inspired me to write this blog & have given me a lot of perspective on what is important to me as a person (specifically when it came to whether I should continue writing this blog & you said something along these lines "SmileMoon, would you be with someone who is so fearful of judgment or persecution & with whom you couldn't be your true self?" You were right, I wouldn't. More than anything, I believe that what you are doing is SO important. & on that note, the next thing I'd love to see you/me/someone doing is to start gearing programs towards the young-to-mid 20 somethings & not just the late-20-&-30-something who are already in these situations. Instead of treating the problem (which is still important), I say we focus more on prevention of the disease...


Well, as you can all tell (since I never write back-to-back), the Facebook thread on Uncle's page got to me, but I feel better now :)


Ok, enjoy the weekend... Write Soon ~ SmileMoon


p.s. - I'd also be curious to hear how guys rank the below items that Vijay Uncle had asked for feedback on (assuming that all other qualities are the same):

1. Your attitude and innocence, optimism, flexibility etc.
2. The age you look
3. The age on your birth certificate

Whacked out values...

So I mentioned how our values are completely out of whack in the last post, & I wanted to elaborate....  For this topic, it's probably easiest for me to talk about myself, but please let me be clear...  I am no Mother Teresa, who has never done, said or thought a less than holy thing in her life, so I never intend to come across as one.  I've met a lot of phenomenal people in my life who I aspire to be like in many ways, but I have yet to ever meet anyone in the saintly-perfect category; & I'm sorry to break this to anyone who thinks you know, are married/related to, bff's with someone or are in that category yourself, but even the very best person you know has done something not-so-nice to someone, made fun of people, broken someone's heart, complained, gossiped or done something less than holy & noble.  Therefore, I try (key word, try) my best not to judge unless someone's values/character are really out of whack (or unless you are just so god awfully rude or annoying! :-P)

On the judgment note, I'm also not someone who does well with hypocrisy which I think is rampant in the desi community... you know, people who talk about seva & giving, but are stingy & selfish or don't do anything that involves helping others unless there's an audience or a tax-deduction... or people who pass judgment on anyone who does any of the following - drinks, smokes, hooks-up, eats meat/beef, etc. - but they do/ have done one or some combination of the aforementioned (whether it be once or a million times); I just love the hardcore judgmental-type religious non-beef eaters with their leather sofas, belts & shoes.... "I'm not eating it but it's okay if Mr. Cow loses his life for my Kenneth Coles."  Ri-iiight, 'cuz that makes sense.  I personally don't think what you do or do not eat/drink, how many people you have or have not hooked up with, your refraining from or partaking in smoking, whether you go to temple never or frequently, or anything along those lines makes anyone a good or bad person (& on a random side note, I'm sorry, but if you are one of the few severely whacked out people that still believes in the caste system here in AMERICA, you should likely move back to the motherland & preferably another planet...) - those all are personal lifestyle choices & don't necessarily speak to who you actually are as a person.  The thing is that when it comes down to it, considering that no one is in the saintly category, all of us regular human beings naturally rationalize & justify all of our behaviors/actions to ourselves and those close to us so that we can sleepy easy at the end of the day 

That whole loooong tangent was to make the point that SmileMoon does not think she is a saint b/c I am pretty sure someone would anonymously call me out on it if I pretended to be!  Sainthood aside & whilst being a regular human being (I've never used the word "whilst" before - probably didn't use it correctly! :-P), I do know what I value - what's important to me in the big picture of life & what kind of person I am.  As for the latter, I'd like to think I'm a decent person if not slightly better than decent & as for what I value, more than anything it is... my time & relationships.  This might stem from being a very idealistic person, but I know that for the most part, I am not motivated by a lot of things that I find typically motivate a lot of other people - especially South Asians.  Well, let's just jump right in...

Time - Time has always been something that I have been hyper-aware of & the fact that it is limited... I therefore live with a "life is precious because it ends" mentality.  For as long as I can remember, I have taken pause, reflected on my life & how I'm spending my time when individuals that I (or someone) knew passed too suddenly, family/friends have been sick, & those other world moments that deeply effected all of us other whether we were directly effected or not (like 9/11, the Tsunami, Katrina, etc).   No, this does not make me a morbid or pessimistic person; if you know me, you know I'm the opposite.  However, what it does make me is very appreciative of & grateful for what I have in life; I am always taking stock of what I have been blessed with & am forever making sure that the people in my life who are important to me know it now, b/c none of us are guaranteed a tomorrow (I live by the Anna Cummins quote "Do not save your loving speeches for your friends till they are dead.  Do not write them on their tombstones, speak them rather now instead."  My poor friends are forever having to deal with my random gush/sap-fests (Love you all for putting up with me! :-D)

I've also done what some would think are crazy & scary things like jump off a 50-foot cliff into the ocean in Jamaica (ok, that actually was crazy b/c I can't tread water & almost drowned - yes, I am a special person - Thanks Mr. Big Jamaican hero-man for the rescue!! :-P), white-water rafting & sky-diving b/c I love feeling alive & challenging myself to do something that scares me to death.  For those of you know me well, I also say "Yes" to a ton of social things b/c more than anything else, I love being around my friends (& family, who I am flying home to see every chance I can) & time spent with them is more valuable to me than anything else.  I try my hardest not to live in the past (more on this in the soon-to-come "I don't do gray" posting) & I would say for the most part , I don't get caught up in worrying about the future either; I'm an easy-going person with an "enjoy life" mentality who has a general "it will all work out" kind of attitude, & I'm sure to some people all of the above is irresponsible, immature or something along those lines, but again, for those who know me, I am none of those things.

Relationships - Relationships are completely tied into my perspective on time.  I'm always in awe of people who sacrifice their quality of life/the relationships they have (or could be in) for the sake of their careers; most would say that they are hard-working & okay, sure they are.  The thing is while taking the time thing into consideration & knowing that this is our one shot at this one life, how many of us are actually going to look back at our lives on our lasts day here & say "Oh, I'm so glad I spent 3-4 decades of my life in school, worked 80 hours a week, made a boat load of money, became VP of a company while missing out on... being in a fulfilling relationship/marriage, watching my kids grow up, enjoying life, etc.."  Why do we invest so more time & effort into our professional success but when it comes to relationships so many of us are half-a$$ about them or are simply oblivious as to what it takes to make one really work?


On this topic, I really think desi parents jacked it up for us big time b/c for the most part, they equated having a good life with having a successful career... financial security (preferably lots of $$$)... & status.  My parents also did this to some extent (sans the status part) which is understandable - when you come to a foreign country with $8 in your pocket, naturally placing a lot of value on financial success makes sense.  The thing is that my parents - through how they treated other people or the situations, people & experiences they exposed us to - taught me & my brother that the people in our lives matter more than anything else (more on this for soon-to-be or existing parents with still-young children)


Now please don't think I'm naive here; $$$ is great (Oh! I just thought of this great Adam Sandler quote from The Wedding Singer when he's interviewing for a job at a bank:  "No, sir, I have no experience but I'm a big fan of money. I like it, I use it, I have a little. I keep it in a jar on top of my refrigerator. I'd like to put more in that jar. That's where you come in." Ha... I love that movie)  Sorry, I digress... where was I...?  Oh yeah, I love nice things and experiences just like the next person; it's just that they aren't the end-all-be-all for me.  No one has ever impressed me because of what they do, how nice their house/car/said bling is or how much they make; instead, I get impressed by people who have great character (especially those who are humble & down to earth in spite of their rolling in it!), strong relationships and some kind of passion (whether it be saving the world, making other people laugh, music, cooking, dancing, living up life - anything!).

On the relationship-value-being-jacked-up-front, I think a lot of Desi girls are majorly twisted... faaaar too many are in pursuit of a doctor/lawyer/uber-wealthy husband...  sadly, too many are willing to compromise on a fulfilling relationship & have passed up many a great guy in an order to have Mr. Desi Perfect Check Mark Man.  & waaay too many guys out there who make a whole lot of $$$ only have that going for them & that's not a problem, b/c, like moths to a flame, the ladies will come without much effort on their part.  It goes something like this... "Doctor?  "Call me-eee"  Surgeon? (As she breaks out into song)... "Take me to the mandap in my red dress!"  True story :-D  To make another reference to that oh-so-fun Jagged Edge song... "we ain't getting no younger," so we need to get our priorities straight & figure out what's really important to us... 

I'm in NO way saying "settle" or be with someone with whom you don't have a strong connection with & attraction to, but don't pass up the strong connection (great conversation, laughter, etc.) b/c a certain superficial or not-so-important element is not there & don't stay in something that your gut instinct tells you is wrong or un-fulfilling just because it looks so right on paper.  Remember, you can marry Mr. DPCMM-doctor/lawyer/rolling in the $$$'s guy, but one day say he loses his job, his practice closes, or god forbid,  something else happens & all of a sudden he is not Mr. Money Bags.  Now what...?  Life is long & do you really want to spend it with just a hefty paycheck...?

Well, that's all for me today.  I hope everyone is enjoying the holidays (I love this time of the year although I'm putting myself on an emotional roller coaster having "All I want for Christmas" & "Christmas Shoes" on the same playlist! :-P) & I'll definitely be writing again before the end of the year.


2 more quotes for thought below... FYI, my mom used to type me up a different quote every day & put it in my lunch box/bag growing up & as a result, I'm a huuuuge fan.  I've been slow with using them so far & I'm sorry for the overload today, but they have always been so wonderful at giving me perspective & inspiration, & I hope that they do the same for you.


Write soon ~ SmileMoon :)


"Tell me who admires and loves you and I will tell you who you are." (Charles Augustine Sainte-Beuve)


"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."   (Maya Angelou)

What's our ISSUE...???

I mean issues & oh wow, where to begin...?   & here's my disclaimer of the day... depending on which issue I'm talking about - either due to my personal nature or a particular circumstance (being female, part of this generation, etc.) - I am likely plagued by it.  I'm sure we could collectively come up with a million reasons why our generation is struggling (I think that even the with-boyf/girlf/fiance/spouse individuals who read this would agree that there is a problem going on here), but I'm just going to start with a few that come to my mind when comparing things to the good ol' "back in the day" times...

Back in the day (I'm talking about the American day & not our desi parents' mostly-arranged-marriage-&-with-dowry-day), there were a lot of things going on that were in their favor at least when it came to finding the now-ever-elusive "one."  Here's my take on some of those things (that as you'll see have ZERO to be with being South Asian & everything to do with being a part of our generation)...

• Lives were simpler & therefore expectations more realistic - women & men had certain roles that they filled & the goal in life was to partner up, settle down & raise a family.  Men were looking for someone who would make a good wife, mother & manage the household while women looked for men who be good husbands, fathers & provide their families with security.   That was the American Dream. I know people wanted more for themselves than that, but now I fear that we all want waaay too much.  I'm all for feminism, modernization, equality & such, but with equality, technology (those who watch Sex in the City know what I mean), & intimate relationships happening outside of marriage, I think people (men especially) end up having very little incentive to get married.  Before, men knew that they were bringing a lot to the table & supplementing the partnership & that made them feel pretty darned great about themselves.  However, now I think many men are naturally a bit emasculated because women don't need all those things anymore; sure, women still want the partnership, security & emotional connection that comes with being married, but for men, to be all of that to a woman for the rest of their lives is a whole lot of pressure & something they might not be ready/capable of doing.

• People were not so overly stimulated... Our generation has had an obscene amount of things to entertain us from cable television, video games & gadgets, to countless activities & every humanity-ruining show on MTV (i.e. - Flavor of Love/Brett Michael's Rock Of Love 1, 2 & 3 or my new mind-kill-favorite, Tool Academy... my god, kill me now, but I'm not going to lie - I've watched episodes of all of them! :-/).  I believe that we are so used to constantly being entertained/stimulated in some way, that we often end up getting very bored easily of life & the people in it - meaning we'll date someone, get so super excited by them, but then that feeling doesn't sustain.  Another problem with over-stimulation that has been the biggest disservice to 95% of the women in the world (& as a result, all relationships) who do NOT look like this is that all these reality shows (which I think we all agree show all people who are far from real), celebrities, magazines, porn on demand (aka Skin-e-max), TV/movies & every other medium that had made most men idealize women like Megan Fox & Jessica Alba.  Even our desi films have become soft porn-ish; female stars from the good ol' black & white movie days who used to have curves & wore sarees are now super thin bikini-wearing stripper-type dancers who partake in make-out scenes.  Physical expectations are at an all-time absurd high (I say absurd b/c its many of the anti-Brad Pitt/Jon Abraham guys who have them) - anything less than a perfectly symmetrical face, flat abs, perky & sizable bust, cellulite/stretch-mark/imperfection-free everything & toned body that specifically makes the other guys green with envy is not acceptable
• Back in the day, gorgeous women that American men publicly idealized (like Marilyn Monroe - even though she was racy in her time, Grace Kelly & Audrey Hepburn) left things to the imagination by wearing clothes that did not show every part of their body that really should only be for the eyes of (I personally believe) someone you're in intimate relationship with.  ** Side note on this, don't get me wrong, I am not saying that we should dress in turtlenecks & slacks, b/c I don't; you'll mostly catch me in dresses (sometimes short ones) & like most females my age (& depending on the occasion), I like to show some skin from time-to-time.  However, for the most part, I think it's appropriate skin.  Here is where a few of you (especially the ones who know me) will just die at my being so conservative b/c you know me as the blog-writing, speak-her-mind, have a grand ol' time wherever she goes SmileMoon... Okay, so the thing is that even when I might've (& this is a big huge might have) had a bikini body, I never felt comfortable wearing one b/c I could not & still don't for the life of me (& no hateration to my friends or any girls who wear them) understand why anyone would want to... no, but seriously, how is wearing a bikini any different than wearing your underwear?  & if it's not okay for me to parade around in my bra & panties in public (or in front of any male relative of mine or guy that I am not not dating) why is it okay to wear bikinis...?   Anywho, I digress & sorry for the random SmileMoon tangent! :-P  

• People were more conservative & reserved & as a result, relationships had some mystery/ anticipation to them.  I know this was something that changed as the times & culture changed but it definitely changed for the worse.  Back then, people were in committed relationships that resulted in marriage or most even married before they did half the things that people in our generation start doing long before that (errr.... if you have younger cousins, siblings or people you care about, talk to them frankly about all that stuff & I'm going to have a whole blog post dedicated to parents, but if you're one now or are going to be one, when Raju/Bittu/Gudia grow up, don't be naive & just assume - as most desi folk do & our parents did - that b/c they are a "good kid" who does well in school that they are not involved in everything that their American counterparts are involved in from relationships, smoking, drugs, & all kinds of other peer/internal pressures; I didn't get into the latter items but in spite of my being an honor-roll-never-got-in-any-trouble-student, I definitely liked boys in high school & so did 99% of my friends).  I think I can sum up this bullet point with the response that Vijay Uncle gave to a girl at NetIP who said "Uncle, the problem is that guys nowadays don't want to commit" to which he without blinking responded "Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free??"  Enough said on that for now...

• People were not so hyper-connected..... as you already know, this is one of my biggest pet peeves.  Back in the day (& omg, even back in my day of when we only had landlines & the invention of the beeper was life-changing), people actually had to meet up or if nothing else at least pick up the PHONE to connect to each other.  Now, from e-mail, IM, BBM-ing, texting, Facebook, every other online "networking" site & more, we are all so uber-connected but in - what I think - is the most empty & unrewarding way possible - via bing, ping & status posts.  Nothing feels special anymore b/c hardly anyone actually calls & "connection" happens via a few written words that the recipient is left to analyze & interpret intent.  I personally think that most guys have taken remarkable advantage of no longer having to actually talk to the girls they are interested in...  these modes of pseudo-communication have emboldened them with more wit, humor & sass than they might ever have in person, they can communicate with more than one girl at once (in an effort to keep their options open) & they are perpetually stringing girls along with a random text or some kind of message here or there (it's this whole "I don't like you enough to be with you; however, I still want your attention & would like to string you along for as long as I can" mentality).  It's kind of funny, but my girlfriends & I have said things like the following to each other more times that I can count... "He facebook'd me (I love how Facebook is both a networking site & a verb :-P)... He texted me 3 days ago, but I haven't heard from him since... etc."  Analyzing what guys mean in their e-communication or lack thereof adds to the already so-confusing feat of having to understand them in real life.  Ugh.

• People weren't so lazy.  I'm not saying we're all lazy, but for the most part, our generation has grown up wanting to reap (the usually instant) rewards with little to no effort.  We're far more willing to put in the effort into our education & professional success (& we spend so much of our lives doing just that), but when it comes to relationships, most of us are completely clueless; we think things are going to feel good always b/c they felt good in the beginning.... we think far more about I/me more than we think about we/us... & we don't understand that good, healthy, long-lasting relationships take a whole lot of effort, putting the other person's needs above your own & just plain old WORK.  We all expect this "oh wow, knock my socks off" connection with someone & won't settle for anything less than that; a lot of people get so swept up in that "in love" feeling, how "hot" someone is or how "amaaazing" some part of their chemistry is, but either before marriage (hopefully) or several years after, they realize that (most often when real life - kids, stretch marks, male pattern baldness, health/financial problems, etc. - sets in) they actually have nothing in common & go their separate ways.   Sorry, that has nothing to do with being lazy; that has to do with all of the above which can be summarized into our values are so jacked up (way more on that in later blogs).

I'd like to think that my values aren't jacked up, but that I was naive thinking that when I was ready to "settle down" that it would be easy schmeezy.... Also, I had a few less-than-stellar-character guys waste my time here or there & on top of that, I ignored my gut instincts (which have always been right) & spent time in a few relationships that probably shouldn't have ever started, &if nothing else, definitely shouldn't have lasted as long as they did.

Well, I think that's the big momma of all my posts so far. I know it was a bit disjointed & I'm sorry about that; I also know that I must sound like someone who wants to go jump into a DeLorean time machine (sorry, I heart Back to the Future! :-P) & send myself back to another time period... I can't say I've never wished that I was raised in a different generation where things were just simpler or more than wishing I was some where else, just that our generation didn't make things so convoluted.  However, I'm also someone who is completely hopeful that I am going to meet & end up with someone who values the same things as me without ever having to worry about inventing a flux capacitor!  (Mom & Dad, SmileMoon knows what she wants for Christmas - the Back to the Future trilogy!  :-P)

Ok, I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving.  Thanks for reading & talk soon ~ SmileMoon

p.s. - Upcoming blog posts in the next few weeks... Deal Breakers... Leagues (Who's In?  Who's Out?  Do they exist?) - this was slightly touched on in this posting... the Elusive "Spark" & how important is it?  &... Made to Order Brides from the Motherland.

Interracial Dating/Marriages - one of the few blogs on this topic...

Ok, so I know that I put a lot of "disclaimers" in my blog, & I'm sorry, but I can't help it (I am desi so naturally always fearful of being judged!) :-P  No, but seriously, I am really a very open-minded, non-stereotyping-type of person, so I want to make sure that everyone understands that my blog posts are simply a window into thoughts that I have had or sometimes continue to have.  For this particular blog, I don't want any of my desi guys to think that I have unlove for them b/c I don't - Go Desi Boys All the Waaaay!  & I don't want my desi girls (considering that I'm one of them) to think I'm hating on them/us either.  However, the below & following blogs to come are about how I've felt from time to time & how I know other desi people - guys & girls alike - have told me they felt about interracial dating/marriages.

So, disclaimer complete & now I can get started!  First off, I can say that I for one am all for interracial, inter-religion, inter-everything.  Since I was a wee little girl I've always been massively confused by all the religion/race/color unlove as well as any drama & stereotypes related to it.   I'm not saying I've never generalized or stereotyped (b/c I have), but I really do see people as just that... people - who they are based on how they are... not what they are (Hindu, Muslim, White, Black, Doctor, Teacher, etc.); although I've always had a significant # of desi friends, if at any stage of my life you put all my friends in a room together, it would look like the "It's a Small World" ride in Disney World.  So even though I've always been open-minded & my friends have always been diverse, until I was 27 years old, I was beyond hell bent on "Indian only, preferably Hindi speaking, preferably blah, blah," & had never considered a non-desi guy (let alone gone on a date with one) until my last relationship with a white guy.

I wanted Indian-only for all the same reasons why anyone of any culture/race wants someone similar to themselves - culture, religion, language, upbringing, family, future kids, etc. etc.  I get it & it's still what I ideally want; however, in the past few years I've definitely become open minded to the possibility of non-desi & thankfully I have very open-mind parents (minus the one race & one religion that are big NO-NO's) & a community back home where every 3rd person has married a white person, so it's something that's very accepted.

Now one thing about me & non-desi guys (white guys in particular - I've always had a thing for & still heart them - specifically blonde-haired, blue-eyed ones! :-P).... ever since I was in elementary school (one thing to know about me, I didn't have an awkward phase in my formative years; ages 4 through 21 were amazing times, it was 22-27 where I struggled), I have loved being around them b/c it was just easy.  When I'm around non-desi guys, I wouldn't (& don't) get caught up in my mind, feel self-conscious (sometimes in the Desi world, I feel like we are constantly sizing each other up & critiquing one another) & can just be my silly, goofy self (non-desi guys have always found this to be super cute whereas I find it to not be something necessarily so appealing to some of my desi guy counterparts). & one of my favorite things is that these guys are just as silly/goofy/witty, so I am forever laughing & being entertained.  (** Another disclaimer/side note - there have been & are desi-guys that I feel the above & below with; this is just me generalizing the non-desi-SmileMoon phenomenon!)

& as superficial as it is, the absolute best thing with non-desi guys is the attention they give me & how darn cute/pretty they make me feel (just like my beloved Walter!).  Sure, it could be that they're intrigued by something different (a brown girl!) & find us to be exotic but who cares - at least they are intrigued?!  & when they are, they have no problem expressing it; they are completely explicit, direct & they let you know that they are interested.  Like I said in a previous post, my last boyfriend (who was white) was transparent in his actions upon meeting me, got my # that nite, called & asked me out on a "date" the very next day - he didn't beat around the bush, he didn't start chatting w/ me on gchat or via text & didn't make me wonder by all his nice actions whether he was interested; he told me his intentions & that was it.  Whereas with a lot of desi guys (not only in my personal situations but my girlfriends as well), it's like this big long drawn out overly mysterious & confusing process that most of the time feels like a lot of wondering & game playing.  I'm not saying that us desi girls don't help make it convoluted, because I know we do (& I'd looove to hear more on that from the guys!)

In the desi world, & I'm sorry guys, but if you looked at all our movie stars (let's compare a Shahrukh Khan who I worship to a Madhuri Dixit/Ashwariya Rai), significant # of Miss Worlds & Universes & just general population, there is no scarcity of attractive Indian girls.  Seriously (& this is not to be mean or to sound completely awful), but to every ONE Jon Abraham/Abhishek Bachan, there are 10 drop dead gorgeous Shilpa Shetty-types.  In Chicago alone (& I've heard guys says this here & in NY) guys are like "kids in a candy shop" with the massive # of above-average to very good looking desi girls.  So, although I'm not saying that I'm anything special to look at or fall into the "good looking" category, I regardless always feel like a "dime a dozen" around most desi guys.  Kinda like "hey, you're cute (they're interested, they're talking to me), but when a new girl walks in 2 seconds later, it's "hey, you're even cuter" & NEXT!  It's funny b/c in every group I've been in & at every phase in my life, guys are like moths to a candle flame whenever there's a new pretty girl in town or who shows up to some event; they know nothing about her except that she's easy on the eyes & they are all tripping all over themselves to be around her.

On the desi-guys' side who've dated/married non-desi girls, I've heard them say that it's just less complicated - less drama (family, personal, or otherwise), fewer insecurities to deal with, & just fewer things in general to have to "deal" with.  I hear where they're coming from & that very well might be true.  However, at the end of the day, I think that whether it be the attention we desi girls perceive from non-desi guys or the "less drama" desi-guys feel with non-desi girls, these relationships work because of a connection & the rest is irrelevant.

One thing I've also felt is that sometimes we get so caught up on finding someone who meets all are our endless "desi-check mark" criteria (more on this later; I feel like us desis are something else when it comes to that!), but at the end of the day, that connection/spark isn't necessarily there... or they could be desi by name, but not desi by nature.  I have dated "white-washed" desi guys who resented, were embarrassed by or pushed away their culture growing up (either with the help of their parents who wanted to make them "Amreekanized" or all on their own).... they couldn't understand/speak the language, had no affinity for their culture or the motherland & basically, other than their actually being brown, there was very little that actually made them Indian. Then on the other hand, there was someone like my ex who was as white as they come, but who appreciated everything about how into my culture I was... watched the movies & went to Indian buffets with me... had asked me to start teaching him some Hindi as he was looking into Rosetta stone on his own... & who made me feel like the best thing since sliced bread (again, some of you who haven't read previous blogs - this relationship didn't work out but not due to some dramatic reason; this person is still someone who I still think so highly of b/c he is just a great guy).

I've seen many desi-non-desi couples in action & they - just like any other great couples - are amazing not because they have "check mark criteria"-type things in common, but because they have great chemistry, a profound partnership & understanding of each other, & so on.  These couples talk about how all the supposed "differences" (religion, culture, secondary language, etc.) didn't matter at the end of the day because their relationships were so great & easy & their values & goals aligned that all that stuff sorted itself out.  I'm not saying it's so easy for all interracial couples but I think for those who see the BIG picture & whose families support them (I find this part interesting & I know Vijay Uncle would agree, b/c some parents would rather have their kids be single until eternity than marry a non-desi, non-Guju-Patel-from-this-particular-gaam, non-Brahmin, etc.) can easily make it work.

Anywho, I have to start ironing my saree (it should only take me 3 hours) for yet another brown "networking event" - this time a gala Net-IP event in Chicago.  Like Net-IP Toronto back in September, my goal is to spend time with my friends, have a whole lot of fun & get my balle-balle shaava shaava on & hey, if a guy happens to catch my eye or vice versa, that's never a bad thing either.

Hoping everyone has a great weekend ~ SmileMoon :)

Creepy Guy Stare

So, I had addressed this in one of the posts that I deleted & I know that I'll get some hateration my way, but I usually call this "Creepy Indian Guy Stare."  However, I know this is not a desi-specific thing... There's my disclaimer & now I begin on "Creepy Staring..."  :-D

So, what the bleep is up with Creepy-starers...?!?!  I mean, reeeeally....  I can't think of anything more repulsive than being stared at with big creepy "I want to you eat you for dinner" eyes on a  blank expressionless face (well, there is being howled at from a car passing you by or having inappropriate things said to you as walk down the street, but today we're just talking about the staring).  Recently, I experienced this twice in one night & I wanted to... 1)  Punch Creepy Starer in the face  2)  Puke my brains out.  The first time that night, I was out at Vertigo (a lounge in Chicago) with my bff, our common family friend couple & some of their friends.  Well, this one gunda-ish looking guy kept awkwardly planting himself within 3 feet of us right near the small circle we were talking in & just stared in our direction.  Then he started this annoying move where (although there was more than enough space to maneuver around us), he tried to get past us by randomly touching the small of our backs (voooomit) as he moved past us.  He did this to both of us at least twice & finally my friend goes "why do you keep touching me?!"  Love her.

Well, then the 2 of us went for a late nite bite at Bijon.  I wish I could draw you a diagram of how we were sitting but basically my bff was looking in the direction of the main restaurant & I was sitting right next to her & across the way from me was a table with a few Indian guys.  Every time I'd talk to my friend, I'd catch this majorly Creepy Indian Guy (CIG) staring at me & I'm not talking about a glance & then a quick look away.  I'd be talking to my friend & I'd see him in my peripheral vision JUST STARING for 30-40 seconds at a time.  I finally complained to my bff & told her to look over just as he was mid-stare; she, being just the most does-not-tolerate-BS person ever, yelled "STOP STARING!"  CIG then pointed to his ears & up above pretending not to be able to hear her (mind you, half the restaurant heard) & then the staring stopped.

First off, I'm inspired by my friend to call people out on their absurd behavior; my natural tendency is to get annoyed by things but to ignore them, but maybe if we all actually started calling out bad behavior more often, it might actually stop or change (that comes to momentary bad behavior from strangers & the stuff that people unncessarily put up with in relationships).  I won't try to figure out the why behind the awkward staring (possibly a repressed childhood, non-exposure to the opposite sex until a very late age, & a slew of other reasons), but guys, if you really want to get our attention (& not freak us out completely & force us to write blog postings called "Creepy Guy Stare"), I highly recommend Tara Banks' technique of "smeye-zing" - smiling with your eyes. Definitely feel free to smile with your mouth too, but just look - better yet, BE - pleasant & friendly.

& to the next guy that creepily stares, says something offensive to me, or anything that I deem as non-gentleman-like behavior, brace yourself because SmileMoon is going to have a word or two to say you.  Ok, maybe not, but I will sure try. :-P

Write Soon ~ SmileMoon :)

Random Health Tidbits - Coronary Heart Disease

So, for those of you know me well, you know that I am obsessed with everything related to nutrition, fitness & general health (that by no means I'm the walking manifestation of that obsession - I haven't worked out in 2 weeks & I ate all kinds of inappropriate things at 10:30 last nite...).  I'm also hell bent on spreading the word on the information that I think is important.  So... although it will have absolutely nothing to do with South Asian Dating, every now & then I'm going to share some health info with you... as always, read what you like & skip what you don't...

Why am I starting with Coronary Heart Disease (CHD)...? Well, in the past 2-3 years, I have known 4 mid-30 something South Asian males who passed away from a sudden heart attack & one who survived a massive coronary episode & is now struggling with recovery. These were 5 seemingly healthy, non-overweight, active young men in the prime of their lives..... (side note - I knew these men either directly or through one degree of separation; 2 of them were physicians).

We all know of Uncles & Aunties or our own relatives who have had challenges with CHD... whether it be heart attacks, stroke, artery blockage, bypass surgeries, etc... We think that we are more in the know, are way healthier than them & that these things won't happen to us or that they are problems we will deal with way off in the future (actually, most of us don't give any of this stuff any thought at all).  That all might be true, but remember those five young men...  Being overweight or unhealthy is not purely aesthetic which is the part we focus on the most; it's serious & scary stuff.  Also, being seemingly slim (or as I like to call myself a "fat skinny person") & Indian is apparently not a great combination either; we need to be more proactive & plugged into our risk factors.

Anyway, long story short (& I know, I'm no good at that either), if you don't feel like reading the clinical article (link below) from Dr. Enas Enas - an expert in Cardiology & specifically on Coronary Heart Disease in Asian Indians - pleeease at least read the bullet points below.


Key Points:

• Compared to the general population of the US, the prevalence of coronary heart disease (CHD) in Asian Indians is approximately 4 times higher
• The rates are similar amongst vegetarians & non-vegetarians
• The consequences of atherosclerosis in the Asian Indian population tend to be more severe & develop earlier in life.
• CHD mortality rates from studies done in 4 countries (Canada, Singapore, England & South Africa), show that CHD rates were highest for Asian Indians, intermediate for whites, & lowest for Chinese & African Americans. Women had a similar pattern to that of men.
• In California, Asian Indians have the highest rate of hospitalization for CHD & Chinese have the lowest rates.
• The higher CHD risk in the Asian Indian population may be related to higher prevalence of metabolic syndrome, insulin resistance & diabetes.
• Metabolic syndrome is thought to be associated w/ genetic factors, overweight/obesity & physical inactivity. The syndrome is characterized by abdominal obesity, & some really long scientific words... (see article) :-D
• See Table 6 for bloodwork all Indian-folk need to be getting done
• While total cholesterol & LDL levels are similar to whites, HDL levels are lower, trigylceride levels are higher, & Lp(a) - a strong heart disease indicator - levels are higher
• The most important aspect of preventing CHD is identifying individuals @ high risk of developing CHD at an early age.
• Modification of lifestyle, such as increasing physical activity & decreasing consumption of calories - particularly saturated fat - should begin early in life.
• Avoiding abdominal obesity is as important, if not more important, than avoiding total obesity.
• Consumption of all tobacco-related products should be eliminated (dear friends, please don't hate me as i keep up the obnoxious "you shouldn't smoke routine"!)
• Appropriate drug therapy should be considered for all lipid abnormalities & risk factor abnormalities which do not respond to lifestyle adjustment

http://www.southasianheartcenter.org/docs/AAPImonograph.pdf


If any of you had an "ah ha" or "woah" moment reading some of the above, please spread the word about this to the people you care about... go get the tests that Dr. Enas recommends (which may cost you some $$ out-of-pocket b/c they go beyond standard lipid profile tests, but they are worth it)... & reconsider the choices you are making as they relate to your health.

Ok, well, the last time I'd sent the above to every single brown person I knew, one person wrote back to me saying that she found it interesting & that she passed it along... other people deleted it... several made fun of "how random I am."  I don't know how many people actually read this blog, but even if just one more person is effected by this, all my randomness is worth it. 
 
That's all for me for today & as always, I'd love to hear from you.
 
Write soon ~ SmileMoon :)

Down w/ Facebook!

Okay so to continue on my I-hate-"e"-everything rant, today I'm going to get into why even though I "blow up Facebook all the time" (per my friends who've told me that I do) I think that it's another thing that just mucks up the whole dating/getting-to-know-someone process. 

Ah Facebook... my beloved time waste where I get to randomly stalk people I wouldn't have thought about otherwise who are all now my "Friends"... oh how I hate & love you so...  I love you because I get to be connected to people I'd lost touch with from my past... for spreading the word about events, various causes & fun things to watch/read (like this blog... :-P)... for entertaining me via my friends' random status updates & allowing me to post my own (for example... my morbid, "I went to a meet & greet for Shahrukh Khan & got trampled" & "Omg, kill me now. ... My dad is on Facebook" & for making me feel connected to some people I wouldn't normally get a chance to stay that connected with otherwise.

I hate you because...  even though I think I'm pretty controlled w/ the amount of time I spend on you, I'm sure I'd still want to kill myself if I knew exactly how much of my precious life was wasted perusing on Facebook... (did you know that the average American watches 2 full MONTHS of TV a year??)...  for making some things that used to be personal/private/for-close-family/friend-eyes-only-type things (like baby ultrasound sonograms - no joke, I almost died when I saw the first one) so bizarrely public... for taking away the meaning of being "wished a Happy Birthday" (no unlove to anyone who wished me on Facebook b/c I really did appreciate it, but I would take personal phone calls, e-mails or omg, b-day cards in the mail over a hundred "Happy Birthday" Facebook wishes to which I then feel so awful writing a generic "Thank you everyone" to any day)....  for awkward moments as a result of you... I have one of those familiar faces that wherever I go always elicits a "I know you from somewhere" or "You look just like..." (this is something I've never been thrilled with hearing - "omg, you look just like everyone else I know!" :-P) but now I get super-weirded out by it b/c I know that I've known people in person after only having seen them online.  Just a little while ago, I totally freaked a girl I'd met out in Chicago by asking her if she had dated my friend back in Maryland; how'd I know...? Errrr... I remember her from his Facebook page & my justification for being such a stalker & so vividly remembering her...?  "She had such a distinctly beautiful face" (she really does, but my god...)

...  b/c I think you've really destroyed the meaning of the word "friend" since there are now qualifiers on the word - there's a big difference between a "real friend" or "Facebook friend?" ... & more than anything, I can't stand you because you're worse than any Shaadi.com profile or Vijay Uncle "Seriously Looking" page because you give everyone who meets me once (like most guys who I meet & then get Friend Requests from) a full view into my life (sure I can restrict & all that, but it took me so long to figure that all out when Daddy got online that I just figure that full access is better than bothering with trying to hide everything).  A person can meet me & know essentially all of the following... my "favorite" everything, where I went to school, who I'm related to & friends with (& a great conversation starter "did you know we're connected to so & so through..."), what I looked like when I was 6 years old (pretty darned freakin' cute! :-P) & in my 230 other pictures, my religious views, how I celebrated my 30th birthday & the few before that, the recent vacation(s) I went on & all my other random life happenings. 

Yes, I choose to be on Facebook & I enjoy sharing my life & being random-me on there; it's just that the whole getting to know someone process of having to ask questions about those things really gets lost.  In 10 minutes of reading & a few clicks later, everything that I would've way-back-in-the-day asked about, I now know!  So, new SmileMoon rule, if you're a friend already, you're good & totally privy to my overexposed self... if you're someone new I just met locally (this will be for guys & girls alike), I'm implementing my new "One Month Rule."  The rule can be bent as long as we are still in touch, have seen each other out, have met up or had some kind of connection after meeting each other; if so, whether it be a month or soner I'll then add you as a friend or accept your request.  & if we're dating, I might make this the "3 month rule" (no good can come from me obsessing over all the "beautiful men" from my trip to Costa Rica!) :-P   The thing is that I have 643 "Friends" on Facebook & I would say a hundred of those people are actually real friends whether we keep in touch on the regular or not.  Before I'd add & "accept" (the whole concept of accepting a "friend request" always makes me laugh) everyone & anyone, but since an ever increasing # does nothing for me, going forward, I'd like to get to really know you & let you get to know me versus us just reading about each other & feeling like we do.  I want conversations to move away from "I saw that you..." & "I read about..." to being asked questions like "where's your hometown, do you have any brothers or sisters, where'd you go to school, how'd you celebrate your b-day & go anywhere fun this year...?" & having the pleasure of actually answering.

Encouraging everyone to try the "One (or 3!) Month Rule"...

Write soon ~ SmileMoon

To blog or not to blog...?

That is the question...

Hi everyone, so it was brought to my attention that because I'm far from anonymously blogging that blogging at all about this topic could prevent me from eventually meeting someone long-term.  After hearing this perspective & mulling it over, it makes sense for so many reasons.  First, I'm overly exposed - someone who starts dating me & stumbles upon my blog immediately gets to know all my inner thoughts (which he might have found endearing had he had the chance to slowly get to know them) & my past happenings as they relate to my dating history, likes/dislikes/etc. in less than an hour's worth of reading time.

Second, & woah nelly... I never thought about the pressure for future-interested-in-me-guy as another close guy friend pointed out.  I'm trying to imagine reversing the situation & putting myself in said guy's shoes... what would I do & how would I feel if the guy I liked wrote a South Asian Dating blog...?  Naturally, I'd always be on the blog wondering " if this does/doesn't work out, if I do something right/wrong, will I be posted about?" & if I really liked the guy I would feel extra pressure over making a wrong move, living up to their expectations, etc...  Oh, & worse of all, any guy interested in me could very well put on a facade that he shares the same values, opinions & interests as me whereas in reality he doesn't & has just gotten content from my blog.

The really tough thing is that starting this blog & having gotten such positive feedback (countless private messages from males & females alike - tons from people i don't even know- telling me how they can relate, what I'm doing is great & my favorite - "you should write a book") has been such a wonderful experience.  However, I also agree with what the person who was concerned said... anything that's controversial is interesting, so no one is going to tell me that what I'm doing is a negative thing (& moreover, no one else will likely tell me that "SmileMoon, you are shooting yourself in the foot"), but in the end am I really going to change anything...?  & more importantly, selfishly speaking, who cares if I change anything if I end up hurting/hindering myself in the long-run?  However, another person who disagreed entirely made an equally good point... would I really end up with a guy who was so sensitive to something like this & so caught up in what everyone else thinks...?  & this is true too... would I want to be with someone who can't accept the go-against-the-grain, concerned for/try-to-save-the-world SmileMoon?  Probably not.  Ughhh....

I can honestly say that I'm not sure what I'm going to do with this blog... delete a few posts & hope these potential guys haven't seen them...?  Take it down entirely & just say that it was fun while it lasted?  One thing I can say for sure (& feel free to sue me if I do the contrary) that I would NEVER post about someone I am talking to, dating, or end up in a relationship with; the "dating horror stories, who should do the chase & SM Dating history" were just posts to tell a story, be entertaining & certainly not to imply that I am high-maintenance or require a lot to impress (I'm not & don't).

I would like to believe that if a guy really likes me that this wouldn't scare him away or at least he'd have the courage to talk to me about his concerns before running in the other direction.  Like I've said in previous posts, SmileMoon of real life doesn't go on & on like this... one-sided conversations do nothing for her because she likes to listen as much as she likes to talk... nor is she anything like Carrie from Sex in the City as someone recently called me (other than the fact that we both like to write).  I would also like to believe that someone who is interested in me would want to get to know me & then be able to understand me for the person I am in person not via some pseudo-anonymous character on a blog.

I also hope that none of what I've written portrays me as being desperate or that I think being married is the end-all-be-all & not because I care what everyone thinks, but because it just isn't true.  Honestly, if I was desperate to just "be married" & thought that it was some check mark I needed to complete, I could have been married many times over in the past however many years.  However, I didn't just want to just be married for the sake of saying I was; I wanted & still want to find "the one" & like many other late-20-& early-to-mid-30-somethings I am at a place in my life that I didn't expect to be... sans the one.

Most importantly, if I do take this blog down, I hope I've at least made some people think about what our generation's issue is & why it's become such a taboo thing that gets so much negative judgment to say that you want to be "settled, married, etc."  Every single person I know is looking for the same thing I am, but for some reason, because I'm saying it out loud, I have to worry about how I'm being perceived & if talking about it will be a detriment to me...  If you are the exception to norm - prefer living your life solo, don't want to "settle down" (I wonder if we hate that phrase b/c it includes the word "settle" in it) & appreciate your life more sans life partner than you think you would with one - please, I would looove to hear from you.

What's so funny to me is that some of my friends or people I know who poke fun of "desi people being so desperate to get married" or who supposedly aren't "hard-pressed" like everyone else, have profiles that I've stumbled upon Shaadi.com.  If you are single, have gone on blind dates, been set up through friends, have ever been on a dating website, went to any NetIP/SAPA/NetSAP conferences or go to any other related events, have asked your friends "will there be any guys/girls there?" before heading somewhere, you are looking for the same thing; I'm just not sure why no one is okay with saying it.

Well, I have a lot of thinking to do.... my original intention with this blog was to start a conversation about South Asian dating issues in general, so maybe just a little clean up of "everything-SmileMoon" would be a good place to start...

As always or at least until it lasts, I'd love to hear your perspectives...

Write soon ~ SmileMoon :)

Higher Learning...?

Hey everyone, this will be a rare brief (for me) post!  I wanted to see how guys & girls felt about how important or whether it is important at all that the person you date-to-marry has some kind of "higher" degree.  For me personally, it's just not something that I care about (I'd like the guy I'm with to be smart & ambitious but I far from want someone who is the brainiac intellectual type); however, my mom has been very insistent for the past seeeeveral years telling me that "Indian ladke MBA ko chaathe hai" (Desi guys want girls w/ secondary degrees) as she lists off my sister-in-law, my best friend & multiple other examples... as she then continues to tell me all the other reasons why I'm wonderful & would be with a guy "if only..."  Please know that my mom is incredibly sweet & good-hearted, but at the end of the day, she's also an Indian Mom!

Anywho, I'm just curious for the guys & girls out there, how important is it to you that your boo-boo-2-be have a masters, doctorate or something along those lines...?  & this is for the guys, how important is it to you that your wifey-to-be be career-minded?

K, Happy Sunday & write soon!

~ SmileMoon :)

Omg, the funniest thing ever....!!!

http://melodymaker.posterous.com/the-reason-some-girls-stay-single-very-funny

This is hysterical, disturbing, creepy (especially the 2nd message - you have to listen to both) & oh wow, so many more things!!  

Ahahahahaha.  Thank you Dmitri :-D

Seriously looking & open to something new...? Get to know Vijay Uncle

Hi everyone, so if you read my very first post, you know about "Vijay Uncle."  Its pretty funny because ever since coming back from NetIP Toronto, I have been asked "who the heck is Vijay Uncle & why are you obsessed with him?" & told that I seem to officially be into much older men.  Well, I hope I explained who he is in the first post & as much as I heart Vijay Uncle, it's just not like that people! 

However, just incase... Vijay Uncle is a retired surgeon who has made it his life's mission to help fix whatever issues (it apparent that we have them) with our finding a "life partner" & make the process far easier. He is the most "with it" person you'll meet who is your parents' age & if you remember the "why buy the cow when you give the milk away for free" comment, he certainly doesn't think or talk like any uncle you know!  Uncle has been a keynote speaker at the past 4 NetIP conferences & stayed up until 7 in the morning speaking with attendees at the recent NetIP conference; I was one of them & woah, was that an experience.

Anywho, Vijay Uncle is recruiting individuals who are really serious about finding someone & who are open to a completely new dating-to-get-married process.  If you participate (& I plan on participating & girlfriends of mine are participating as well; however, not surprising at all, the # of girls far outweighs the guys right now), just make sure that you are really serious & not of the game playing mentality.  You are at the place in your life where you do not need years to figure out whether someone is the right one & you are willing to make the effort, ask the right questions, etc. to come to that determination far sooner.

I really challenge the guys to put themselves out there; not only are the odds in your favor, but (& this is for everyone - male & female alike) THERE IS NOTHING WRONG with saying that you are "seriously looking."  As Vijay Uncle says, it is more likely that there is likely something wrong with you if you say that you are not.  It is OKAY & in fact, really normal & natural, to say (& if not say, just feel) that you want to be "settled," married, & on the path to eventually having children.  This is far less about what we want & more about evolution & the natural way of human history.  & I've always personally been so confused when & why it became the most embarrassing, weird thing to say you feel that way.

So please, put whatever perceived embarrassment aside, tell your friends about Vijay Uncle's mission & if you are interested in getting involved as a "Serious Looker," please add "VijayUncle Mehta" as a friend on Facebook.

I leave you with this... almost 900 desi people attended this past NetIP conference most in their late 20s, early 30s & late 30s... 99% of them were single... all of them were moved by Vijay Uncle & agreed with what he was saying...  however, only 5 people are currently participating in his program as "Seriously Looking."  Yep, we definitely have some issues.... :-P

K, well, I hope to see you on there & write soon ~ SmileMoon :)

"Beta, you're just not trying..."

Not to harp on the issue (being that my last post was called "A Family Matter"), but parents are truly something else. My honestly adorable dad just blew up my facebook page (his getting on FB was one of the more traumatizing experiences of my life)... in addition to wishing me a Happy Birthday, he said "Our prayer on this 30th BD is that almighty God find the best, loving and caring life partner for you soon." I know, aweee.  & before heading to the NetIP conference in Toronto my mom wrote this ridiculously cute e-mail (that I so wrongly turned into a forward - sorry momma!) that gave me the following advice: "Please try to create and generate positive energy around you. Listen first the other person, feel tall and intelligent. If (you) don't (have a) response just give a cute smile. You have a beautiful smile. Try to make some net working from girls too."  Mommy, I tried to be as tall & smile as much possible - no such luck though; however I did meet some great girls! :-P

I'm not saying that they aren't the sweetest for caring, but it's just a bit much to handle when that's all that every conversation with the parental units seems to revolve around including the every now & then "Beta, you are just not trying."

They are conveniently forgetting the several years of my being on various dating websites, going on blind dates & set ups, awkwardly being 3rd wheel to my parents & attending weddings where I knew no one purely for the sake of humoring their "Beta, you never know...," my participating in a Charity Date Auction (I was actually auctioned & how absurd is this...?  The guy payed $850 to go on a date w/ me to one of the Top 10 restaurants in the country & a hot air balloon ride & he didn't even end up ever going on the date! Talk about an ego killer :-P), NetIP/NetSAP/SAPA/whatever events, etc.   So I would like just a little credit for being open-minded & putting in what I think is a good amount of effort.

Parents don't understand how easy it was for them when they tell us that we aren't trying.  When they got married 30-40+ years ago, I would say at least 75% of them had arranged marriages (if not more) & as awful as I think this system was/is, a lot of them had the assistance of a generous dowry to help seal the deal.  They could've been short, dark, balding (or more likely overly-hairy!), overweight & maybe just not necessarily so pleasant on the eyes (sure, sure "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder" & all that), but the majority of them all got hitched up one way or the other by the time they were in their early 20's.

Believe me, even though my own father didn't get a dowry when he married my mom (& I have to say "Go Nanaji!" for not giving dowries for any of his 3 daughters!), if he could now offer some guy a washing machine, microwave & some substantial amount of rupees/$'s to seal the deal, he would in a heartbeat (he wouldn't tell me about it, but he would!)  As we all know, the dowry system is still so prevalent in the motherland; to some extent it has either helped or hindered weddings from happening on both sides of my famliy there & horrific as I think it is, I can't help but think of one particular story with a niece of mine (she is older than me - you all know how that works).

Anywho, well, my gorgeous, sweet, "gharelu" ("homely" as some people in appropriately say or "good w/ household things") niece had polio when she was a baby & essentially lost all use of one leg.  Now she was educated & had everything going for her, but when it came to her settling down, finding the right guy was impossible; people could not see past her "handicap".  Well, my cousin found a great guy for her & wooed over his parents with a very generous dowry; it wasn't something the guy was asking for, but his mummy & daddy were.  No one on my niece's side was offended by this; they happily gave the dowry & several years later, she has a precious daughter & a really happy home life with an honestly amazing man.  So, I dunno, would I wish away the dowry in this instance when it ended up getting her everything she wanted...?  I don't think I would...

Well, as usual, this got long, but that's how my stream of thought works when I'm writing; thanks to all of you who actually read my complete posts!  Also, sorry for being MIA for a bit; I just had the most amaizng 30th-bday weekend celebrating with friends & family & was traveling non-stop before that & I'm sooo glad to finally be back!

K, write soon ~ SmileMoon :)

A Family Matter

If you are single & in your late 20's or early 30's & your parents are not on you about getting married, they are saintly exceptions to the general norm, & I am personally green with envy.  If you read my last post about my mom & sister-in-law buying me how-to dating guide books (which I honestly enjoyed all of them), you'll be amused to know that  my whole family - males included - is fully involved in the "Get SmileMoon Married - Jaldi" plan.  

This past May after asking to see my Shaadi.com profile, my brother thought it was a bit "too SmileMoon," so he came up with the plan to compete with me (via IndianDating) by creating his own version of my profile & we would see who got contacted more.  Thankfully, he realized he didn't have the time to actually compete, so he just asked for my user ID & password & whether he could "tweak" my profile.  3 new pics & a "whoa, what happened to SmileMoon?!" later, I had a completely new & PAID profile; I almost died at the latter part (I was of the "I'm-a-girl-on-Shaadi-so-don't-have-to-pay" mentality; in fact, in my 30 years of life, it was my first time getting mad at my brother.  True story).  However, go figure, the next day & every day onwards I got contacted more than I ever had before!  Ugh... losing without even competing is the worst... 

As for my father, he has been "involved" in every awkward way imaginable... from maneuvering me across dance floors & then spinning me into some guy "SmileMoon, this is..." to calling me up for food (while I was hiding away in the basement during some "Kitty Party") & introducing me to an Auntie with "Beta, this is Radha Auntie.  She has 29 year old single son."  Awesome.  My parents are very open to me dating non-Indian (white guys specifically b/c it has become the accepted norm in our community) so Daddy sponsored an E-harmony membership for me earlier this year.  & just last week, he sent me the most depressing e-mail about his lack of sleep over my lack-o-shaadi & how "if he had stayed in India he would have grandkids by now" & woah nelly, did I almost lose it. :-P  

I know it might sound like I’m poking fun at my family, but I promise you that there is no unlove for their efforts; I understand & more than appreciate what they have done & continue to do because their intentions come from a place of love & wanting to see me happily settled.  I’m sure if I was the older married sibling, I’d be on a personal mission to help make the same happen for my younger sibling & when I have kids of my own, I know I’ll wish the same for them.  So, this post is really truly just a big THANK YOU to the powers that be for giving me such great friends & family who have & will do everything they can for me – whether it comes to finding me my jeevan saathi or anything in between.

With lots of love to all of them,

SmileMoon