My "Mumbai or bust" dream...

(that I know is coming out of left field - sorry, I wanted to make sure it actually happened before I started writing about it)...has become a reality. On October 11th, I leave for 6 months of what some might say is my very own version of "Eat Pray Love," the NY Times best selling book by author, Elizabeth Gilbert, and recently released movie starring my all-time favorite, Julia Roberts (who I just heard recently is Hindu).  However, what I am looking to do is very different from and not at all inspired by the book; I actually bought the book after I made my decision when someone said "oh, kinda like EPL?!," but I eventually skipped past the first third of the book (Italy - I promise I did not ruin it for you) and went straight to India.  & the latter part of that is what my personal journey is going to be all about... INDIA and finally giving myself the opportunity to live in the country where I have always felt most "at home"... most like my natural and enlivened self.

Now it's natural to think that that feeling could very well be because I've only gone for short intervals and as a guest of relatives who, although I insisted they not do any of this, would sweetly but relentlessly ask me "agar mujhko kuch khaana peena hain" (if I wanted anything to eat or drink) and not allow me to even bring my own dishes to the sink after doing all that eating and drinking.   As amazing as those trips were, I know that I don't feel how I do in India because I got to live the easy life for a few weeks... unlike my parents who - in spite of spending half their lives there and being surrounded by their entire extended family - were usually  "done" with India after 2 weeks of being there, or my brother who - was born here and raised by the same parents - didn't know what to quite do with himself when our whole family went in '05 and was thrilled at being back, for some reason, India has always had an incredibly special place in my heart and every trip there has never felt like enough...

The "not enough" all started when I was 7....  My brother and I had spent the summer in India without our parents, and when it was time to leave, woah nelly.  I was in hysterics at the thought of leaving my Naaniji (grandmother) so much so that... I revolted against being "forced to leave" making for a very unpleasant long ride to the airport... when we got there, I desperately sat on the floor, engulfed my head in the pleats of my Naani's saree (oh wow, I didn't expect this... I am crying recounting this)... as I gasped for air between sobs, I responded (in Hindi) to her questions, "what about your Mummy-Papa? Your brother? won't you miss them?" by insisting that "I'd forgotten Hindi, so couldn't go back and that they would all just have to visit me!"... Finally, after refusing to follow my brother into security, I was tricked into making my way through with the lure of "Naaniji being over there."  After eagerly making my way across, I asked my brother "where is Naani?" My little girl heart shattered into a million pieces when he pointed and I saw that she was actually over there, and I was no longer allowed to go back.  *Sigh* to my poor parents & what I put them through when I came back...

Although leaving India in following trips was never something that I looked forward to, it was thankfully far less dramatic.  I understand that how I felt at the tender age of 7 was attachment to family that I only got to see every several years, but what I have felt in trips (4 in the past 6 years) during my adulthood, is something that not only tugs at my heart but at my soul.  Speaking of my soul...  after seeing my reactions to movies about India's fight for freedom, like "The Legend of Bhagat Singh," other injustices of the past (that still persist today not due to outsiders, but ignorance) in films like "Water," or even something like the present day frustration of life there which was wonderfully depicted in "Rang De Basanti," my mom has always said that I am an Indian krantikari (revolutionary) reincarnated (uhh... minus the whole-sacrificing-of-my-life-for-my-convictions thing!).

Now I don't know about all that, but I am aware that when in India, I am overcome by a sense of this is where I feel most alive (which is interesting b/c I'm really a pretty lively person as it is).  I also know my heart and how it fills up with everything from delight at non-stop hearing & speaking Hindi, intense emotion seeing something like a baraath (wedding procession) make its way down a crowded street, gratitude at experiencing the most remarkable kindness, pride at everything that is amazing, and grief over everything that is shameful and horrific... and more than anything else, my heart fills up with the possibility that I see India as and the possibility of me that I see in India.

More about that possibility, how it all transpired, & my intentions for India in future posts.

As always, thank you for reading.

Write Soon ~ Smile Moon :)

When you do things from your soul you feel a river moving in you, a joy.  When action comes from another section, the feeling disappears. ~ Jalal ad-Din Rumi

SM meets a Matchmaker (but better known as a Dating Coach) Part 2

So, for those of you who have been following the blog, you might vaguely remember a post back in February titled "Smile Moon Meets a Matchmaker."  (http://smilemoonblogs.blogspot.com/2010/02/smilemoon-meets-matchmaker.html)  In case you missed the post or don't feel like re-reading, I had recently met Bela Gandhi (then known as "Chicago's Matchmaker") and was intrigued by her services, & at the end of that post, I indicated that I was going to go through the initial personal strategy coaching that Bela offers.  Well, since then, after many meetings at "our favorite Starbucks," Bela has not only taken me through a big part of what she offers to her clients & as a result, given me incredibly insightful coaching (in regards to dating & otherwise), but she has also become one of my closest friends.  Now, due to Bela's kind heart and who she is as a human being which can be summed up as simply wonderful, I wouldn't be surprised if most of her clients feel that way about her, but I insist that I am special (not that kind of special - haters :-P) & she has really become just like the big sister I never had but always wanted.

Before being notoriously moi & going on (& on) about my personal dating coaching experience with Bela, I wanted to make sure I shared her recently launched website:  www.smartdatingacademy.com.  Please see the end of this post for an offer to receive a discount on any one of her many available coaching packages.

Now first off, for those of you who are thinking... "Why in the world would anyone want or need a dating coach?"  The answer is because DATING IS A SKILL, & it is something that the majority of us still singles are completely unskilled at.  I would say that most of us singles (I know that I was loudly & proudly in this boat), believe that we are still single either for reasons completely unbeknownst to us (see what most people selected as an answer for why they thought they were still single in the recent dating surveys @ http://smilemoonblogs.blogspot.com/2010_07_01_archive.html), because "we've tried everything & it is hopeless," or that we are single simply because the opposite sex singles or for lack of a better way of saying it - "what is left of them" - suck.  In other words, we are a victim of our circumstances and the problem (our still being single) lies outside of us & our control.

Now, please do not take this as me saying that if you/we are single that there is something wrong with us, because yes, at the end of the day, our being single or not is not 100% in our control.  However, most people are not putting in nearly as much effort as they could or should into their search.  They are resigned to sentiments such as "it is not supposed to be this hard" or because of a few (or more than they care to count) negative or unsuccessful experiences - whether it be actually dating someone & it not working out or trying a dating website, going on blind dates or attending singles/"networking" events - they have written off ever exploring any of these options again.  Or, even worse, they are still banking on it happening the "natural way" (guy & girl bump into each other at Borders & live happily ever after - I actually know a couple who met this way!), so they refuse to do anything that feels "unnatural" & if they do, then they go about in the least harmful-to-their-ego way as possible ("Fine, I'll get on one of those stupid websites, but I won't post my picture & I also won't pay for a membership.")  More on that in a future post, & now back to my coaching experience with Bela!

So... it all started off with a long initial conversation (think "consultation" in client terms) about my current dating situation which included everything from why I felt I was still single, any recurring patterns in regards to dating experiences, kinds of guys I typically went for, what I was actively doing to "put myself out there" & so on.  Basically, lots of questions from Bela & me blabbing at length (side note - Bela was plugged into my blog, so she had some solid background information like one of my big at-that-time woes "Getting her #, but not calling it" (http://smilemoonblogs.blogspot.com/2010/01/getting-her-but-not-calling-it.html -  this was also the post that got the comment from my 20-something acquaintance about how she had no trouble getting people to call her back & ironically, I'd received the comment on my Blackberry 5 minutes before meeting Bela for the first time & it made for some great conversation! :-P)

Sorry, I digress.  After the initial in-person meeting, Bela e-mailed me some questionnaires for me to fill out and gave me a homework assignment - to ask the people in my life that I felt knew me the best to give her anonymous feedback on why they thought I was still single.  You would think I'd be horrified at the thought, but like ever-the-good-student (read:  nerd) that I am, I e-mailed my brother, sister in-law along & my best friends who'd known me long enough to actually know my dating "history" & gave them Bela's e-mail address to directly send their feedback.  Bela ended up getting 5 separate responses (since I have no idea who sent in responses, thank you to whoever did!)

Future meetings (which eventually became part-coaching & part girlfriend-chat fests as our friendship grew) included getting incredible insight into my dating "trends" based on what my friends & family had to say (they were dead on & although I am the queen of introspection and knew all the same things, knowing that they ALL indicated the same positives & areas for improvement really hit home), "casting my net wide" (screening in rather than out when it came to online or in-person dating), feedback on my online profile (I gave Bela a link to the one that I was a paid member on - at the time, Shaadi.com - & she had the writer on her team review it, give me suggestions on content & ways to spruce it up), tips on what to & not to do on a first date, how to get to the 2nd date & SO much more.   At the end of all of it, I said to Bela "Omg, if I had known any of this when I first started seriously looking (which was a long time ago), I'd be married with 2 kids by now!"

No regrets though, b/c I truly believe that things do or do not happen when they are supposed to, but still, you get the point - that the "Omg!" was realizing that there were things I could have been doing differently and that in a nutshell... I was searching/dating ineffectively b/c I lacked those basic skills.  Thankfully, as Biggie once said "If you don't know, now you know..."  or even more appropriate, my fave line from G.I. Joe... "Knowing is half the battle"  *Sigh* Perhaps I'm single greatly in part to my being a super dork. :-P

Anyway, you can read another gush fest from yours truly about Bela & her services at her website (again,http://www.smartdatingacademy.com) under "Success Stories," & you can also find more on the different packages that she offers to her clients (services for both men & women).  Some of you had asked me last time about pricing, and although I don't know the cost of her newly updated services, if you are either at your wits end with the dating process or don't even know where to start (but do know what you ultimately want), reach out to Bela.  Whether you choose to go forward with making the investment (& that's exactly what it is - an investment into revolutionizing who & how you date in an effort to find what most people believe will be the most important thing in their life - their life partner), is up to you.  Also, say that SmileMoon sent you or just mention the blog in order to get 10% off any package (Offer ends 9/30/10).

Well, that's all from me.  As always, good luck with your search (however you choose to go about doing it) & thanks for reading!

Write Soon ~ Smile Moon :)

"Insanity - doing the same thing over & over again and expecting different results" - Albert Einstein

Attending My Funeral

I hope that no one got too excited or grief-stricken at the potential earlier-than-expected demise of yours truly, & I apologize for the morbid title; this concept is from "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People" by Stephen Covey & if you bear with me, there is real value to this idea especially for us 20 to 30-somethings & yes, I do think there is a correlation to dating (see below!)

Ok, so... Covey sets it up "Attending Your Own Funeral" as something like this...  Imagine that you are attending a funeral.  You see all familiar faces and upon seeing yourself in the casket (I have never been to a funeral - *knock on wood * - so the thought of wanting to look at the body of a dead person is just personally bizarre & creepy to me) & realize that it is your own funeral.  You look at the program and see that there are to be four groups of speakers:

1)  Your family

2)  Your friends

3)  Your co-workers

4)  Your church or community organization

Now, ask yourself the following questions:

1)  What would each of these speakers say about your life?

2)  What do you want to resonate about you?

3)  How would you like them to describe your character?

4)  What difference would you like to have made in their lives?

I first heard of "attending your own funeral" while listening to Covey's audio book several years ago on a road trip with my family (the Moons are super dorks :-P), & I distinctly remember being really effected by it, b/c just prior to the trip, a family friend's teenage son had passed away from what can only be called a freak accident.  Like his passing, I had always experienced death peripherally (again, knock on wood) whether it was through a fellow classmate passing away the day before our college graduation, another family friend's young 20-something son being killed in a drunk driving accident & another undergrad classmate passing away just a few years after graduation from cancer.  As someone who had never been rational when it comes to death, in spite of not or no longer being close to these individuals, I was always completely stricken (& often temporarily paralyzed) by the loss that their families would feel & that they didn't get to live "complete" lives.

However, after that particular drive & mentally "attending my own funeral," I became less concerned about what everyone would say about me (I felt that I would fare okay in that regard, but please forgive the unsolicited advice giver in me for highly recommending that anyone who has strained relationships with their family/friends or perhaps puts everything else in life above their relationships or has financial/career success at the expense of them, to consider the above seriously), & I became uber concerned with what I might not get to say to the people that I cared about in my life if my life were to unexpectedly be cut short (if my mom was reading this - & my god, thank goodness she doesn't - she would be yelling at me in Hindi saying "Shubh shubh bolo!" meaning "Speak good things").  Sorry Momma & anyone else who shares those sentiments, but I assure you that there is a positive point in all of this.

As all my close friends & family know, whether it was same-aged Aaliyah passing away in 2001 or 9-11 happening just 2 weeks later, after anything that struck that particular chord, they would get a gushy e-mail from yours truly making sure that they knew exactly how much they meant to me.  To the likely dismay of my poor friends who had to endure the sappy over-expression that has always been SM, this quote by Anna Cummins became a big part of my life "Do not save your loving speeches for your friends until they are dead.  Do not write them on their tombstones; speak them rather now instead."  I know that thinking that we might not get a chance to say or do what we want because life - our's or someone else's that we care about - gets cut short is an un-fun thought, but whether you've experienced death peripherally or directly, you know that this is simply how life sometimes goes... a person leaves their home & sometimes just doesn't come back (for my fellow fobs out there, I watched "Baabul" for the second time this weekend & the movie was part my inspiration for writing this blog. Uh... Sorry if I ruined it for anyone, but I figured if you haven't watched it by now...).

Anyway, now for the part about not getting a chance to DO what we want... (if anyone is wondering about my recent turn in subject matter, no, I am not - or at least not that I know of - dying any faster than we all are, but thank you for being concerned :-P).  If you read my last last post, "Down with the Dating Blog!" and my experience going through the Landmark Forum class, although you might still not get it, you at least know that it was a completely life changing experience for me.  I have never used this expression before, but I feel like have a new "lease on life" as well as this intense urgency about doing & being everything I want NOW.

Now the reason this all relates to dating is because I know that I was definitely someone who had put aspects of my life on pause as I would think things like "I'd like to do so & so one day with my husband..." or "when I have kids, I will..." & I know so many people - guys & girls alike - who are waiting for the rest of their lives to start or take a turn for the better (to be truly happy/fulfilling) once they find that special someone.  As a good friend of mine, JP, said to me as I shared my latest life plans with her, "Everything in life is so transient so it really just comes down to enjoying every moment and doing something that makes you happy and fills your life with meaning. Just b/c someone has a man and a career does not mean that is everlasting and etched in stone; we would like it to be, but you see the reality, engagements are broken, people die and get divorced.  Not fun, but happens.... So, it's good to focus on what makes you happy, b/c in the end your joy is like a lighthouse that will guide your soulmate to you."

So smart that friend is, & well, I have personally decided to do just that.  I am going to do whatever it takes to make sure that I am 100% complete and happy as SM & as for all the things that by most standards are "missing" right now like an appropriate job/career, a suitable husband, 2 kids & a house, if & when that all happens, that's great, but for the first time in a long time, I'm just not bothered about any of it.  This feeling is actually overwhelming because knowing that I am not my circumstances (what I do or do not have), & that happiness comes from within not from without no longer allows me to make any excuses or rationalizations about my life.  As for what's next for me??  Well, I've basically decided to throw caution to the wind (& am perhaps being a bit reckless - maybe even crazy - with my intentions) and follow my heart.  I promise to fill you in on my plans (which I'd like to again thank everyone who's been helping me make them happen) shortly!

Thanks always for reading & write soon,

Smile Moon :)

* Quotes Corner *

"Dream as if you'll live forever.  Live as if you'll die today."  - James Dean

"I'm less interested in why we're here.  I'm wholly devoted to while we're here." - Erika Harris

"Why must conversions come so late?  Why do people always apologize to corpses?" - David Brin

"Men for the sake of getting a living forget to live." - Margaret Fuller

"Most of us spend our lives as if we had another one in the bank." - Ben Irwin