"Husband searching in the Motherland...?"

Hi everyone,

I know I've been MIA since my last post which I am sure nauseated some of you; I apologize and although they will be far and few between, you now know to quickly hit Alt-Tab or avert your eyes when you see anything addressed to "Baby Moon."  Since my "Mumbai or Bust" post before that, I have been completely non-stop (& perhaps operating in a state of slight mania) trying to figure out the logistics for my trip, getting ready for being away for 6 months (which really involves way more than just packing although I am likely being overly ambitious trying to do everything I have ever wanted to - which includes massive projects - before I leave!) and being a nauseatingly doting Bhua (I was told that is how it correctly spelled) to my nephew. 

I actually just got back from a week over at my brother and sister in-laws and although I tried to restrain myself, I still got all choked up saying saying bye to my lil' munchkin after so much quality one-on-one time (some serious bonding happens at 4:30 in the morning!).  As I was leaving, I declared to my sis in-law that everyone should be prepared for me to be a "hot mess" when I really have to say my last "miss you until I get to kiss you"' to my lil' munchkin.

Ok, I promise that's all on that for this post and now back to Mumbai!

Since my "I'm heading to India" post, people have naturally asked me mainly the following:

• How did I decide to go?
• What will I be doing there (Find a husband?  A job?  Myself?)
• Why 6 months? (Are you dying?)

Assuming that some people are reading this blog for the first time (& if so, thanks for stopping by), here's my standard disclaimer - this will not be brief, but for everyone's sake, I will just answer one question per post.  However, the 3rd question is a one-liner.  Six months because that's as long as a visitor's visa allows you to stay for, and as for "Am I dying?" (I swear this has been implied with my "rash behavior")... all tests are normal, so (knock on wood) as far as I know, the answer is no or better said, yes, but not any faster than the next person!

How did I decide to go?  Well, it was really less a decision and more of a compulsion.  As many of you know (& if not please see Getting Laid Off + India = Wonderful), I was laid off at the end of last year.  The first two months thereafter included a lot of grief (& at the same time, relief), angst and frustration, but oddly enough freedom as well.  Mid-February, I was pretty sure my brain would explode from all the thinking and feeling I was doing as well as from applying for jobs that I wasn't really that thrilled about (which even when I did apply for them, I did not hear back from), so I decided that I needed to escape.  Naturally for me, I went to India.

The original plan was to go for 3 weeks, and I have not shared the following publicly before, b/c well... it just seemed all too desperate and embarrassing, but now since I am finally out of my head about "omg, what will everyone think?!" I will share without care.  Towards the end of my trip (the entire last week), I was overwhelmed with feelings of "I'm not ready to go back... I need more time here" and finally, the day before my flight back, I extended my trip by 3 weeks.  In addition to simply having more time in a place I've always been enamored with, I decided (with a huge and understandable "what the...?!" reaction from most of my friends & family) that I would attempt to both look for a job and a guy in the motherland.  On a side note, when I reached out to Vijay Uncle, he scolded me and sweetly implied that I was "buddhu" for not having explored that possibility sooner.

Anywho, I was totally committed to all of it, but I was naive in my planning because three weeks isn't enough time to do any kind of search for anything anywhere - let alone the motherland!  Except for sending out my resume to my in-India contacts, getting formal bio-data pics taken (they are hysterical b/c they turned me into a WHITE person; I will post a pic or two later), perusing through the matrimonial ads and one almost-in-person-meeting that went bust, I basically just had three extra weeks of vacation.

So now, one would naturally think that I'm heading back for part two of that search - find a job and let's just say what it really was... find a husband.  That assumption would make sense, but this time around, I'm not going for any of that and although no one has any reason to believe me, it's the truth.  If you happened to read my Down With My South Asian Dating Blog post and have read my blog since then, I'm definitely not the same Smile Moon that you knew who was full of angst and frustration over the entire world of South Asian dating (perhaps that's why readership has plummeted :-P).  I don't attribute all of it to doing the course I talked about, but it was a major catalyst in no longer waiting for life to happen to me... waiting for the "dream" anything (job, husband, income, etc.)...  doing what was expected (& then some if you've read my posts about online dating!) to get the "dream" results I wanted but nonetheless, still waiting for things to "turn out" and "get better."  Mind you, I was not some morbidly depressed, bitter or resentful person; I did, however, feel that a whole lot more needed to happen before life could start feeling totally "complete" or "right" and more than anything, I believed that meant finding a "life partner."

I completed Landmark Forum on July 13th, was officially done with waiting for life to "turn out," and exactly 2 weeks later, I announced that I was going to India for 6 months.  & I swear it happened just like that...  I was sitting thinking deep thoughts as I often do (now in my parents home - I moved from Chicago and back home with them) and the "I'm going to India" thought smacked the inside of my forehead and then fell right down and out of mouth.  That day, I must have contacted at least 15 different people who were either in India or had in-India connections (& omg, I was so not my typical SM self - I shamelessly asked everybody and anybody for help and I will gush later on about how amazed I was at the response from the most unexpected people!) and for the last 2 months, I've been trying to wrap up my entire life in the states as I know it.  This might sound odd since I fully intend to come back, but wrapping things up included parting with more than half of my life's belongings; I've been ruthless about getting rid of all my "stuff" and I have to say it has been quite freeing!  I have no idea why, but for some reason, knowing that I had a ton of stuff sitting here just didn't feel right.

Okay... (scroll up... scroll some more)... Hmm...  I'm not sure if I've even answered the "How did you decide?" question because it really didn't play out as most of my normal big life decisions I've made in the past have which included lots of... mulling it over, anxiety (maybe even a few sleepless nights), pros and cons lists, and most of all, seeking advice/permission/buy-in from my nearest and dearest.  Like India Part 1, for India Part 2, I did not do any mulling nor did I ask anyone; I informed them which was incredibly liberating.  Although it didn't play out like this, imagine the following conversation with the universe (& if you think it is crazy to talk to yourself, stop and listen to your thoughts for a whole minute b/c you are constantly talking to yourself!)... Me:  "Oh wait, this is my life?  & I don't have to ask for permission or justify everything I do?"  Universe: "Yes (you moron), who told you that you did?"  Me: "Uh... I did?? Oh, I did...  Sorry!"  Universe:  "Stop apologizing for everything and go do something (Idiot)!  Me:  "*Gulp* Fine, I will!"

So how did I decide?  Well, I didn't decide; I simply chose to go... chose to do something in life - versus waiting for life to happen and be "just right" - and that something is simply taking a step in the direction of a new life experience that I can only imagine that I will enjoy.  That life experience will be of living in a country I adore surrounded by "my peoples" speaking my beloved "mother tongue" (that I speak like a true Amreekan, but still I love it!); however, I've heard that all the Mumbai-ites (that is probably not what they are all called) speak English more than Hindi which is quite the bummer.  & although I will be far from actively seeking a job out there or searching for a spouse, I will also certainly not be closed to either possibility b/c that would just be... dumb, for lack of a better word.

More on what I exactly plan on doing in my next post...

Thanks for reading and write soon,

Smile Moon :)

We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. - Joseph Campbell

It is only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth - and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up - that we begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had. - Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Love at first sight is definitely real...

L.O.V.E.

For those of you who are friends with me on Facebook, you know that I recently became a Bua (which means "Dad's sister" in Hindi, so an Aunt!), and if you haven't blocked me from your news feed just yet, you also know that I am BEYOND obsessed with my nephew.  So much so that I'm finding it a bit disconcerting thinking about how much I'm going to miss him while I'm in India for 6 months and woah nelly to the guilt of even planning the trip knowing he was on his way.  However, since I've convinced myself that my nephew wants his Bua to do her thing (specific thing still TBD) and complete her forever wish of living in India, I'm just going to enjoy the time with him that I have now, continue flooding your news feeds until you block me, and use my blog as a place to stay connected with him (even if it is just in my mind) while I'm away.

Actually, my blog postings to him will be a continuation of the homework I'd assigned my family which was to write my soon-to-nephew a letter before he was born for him to open up one day in the future (perhaps when heading off to college and yes, I am the queen of everything sappy :-P).  Well, to our surprise, he arrived a month earlier than expected (Mom and baby are doing well), and I'm pretty sure no one got to write the letter.  I started writing the letter after his arrival and realized (& this won't shock anyone) that I had way too much to say for one single letter and wanted to say it all just in case; I say that not to be morbid but if you have ever been in a car in India or attempted crossing the street where cars travelled, you'll understand!  So, instead of a letter for my nephew to read in the future, he will end up with a mini "while Bua was in India" book after I bind all my postings.

Although my "letters" will be directed to my nephew, they will really be for all the lil' possibilities who come into this world in the form of babies who have arrived recently or are on their way, because on August 24th, I felt this enormous and exciting feeling of responsibility to do everything that I can to do my part (no matter how small it is) to make this world a better place for their future.  Although idealistic and perhaps naive, part of my journey to India will be an exploration on how to do just that.  I want to thank my nephew for being one of the many catalysts in getting me out of the "all about me"-and-"what I get out of life/the world," mentality that I was without any awareness living in, because from here on out, it is all about what I give to life and the world (which is his playground) because it is now all about him and his future.

A new baby is the beginning of all things - wonder, hope, a dream of possibilities. - Eda J. Le Shan


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Dear Baby Moon,

Welcome to this world and to this amazing experience called LIFE.  Even though I know you won't be reading this letter for a long, looong time, I'm going to write it to you as a wish that I'm sending into the universe for your future, a testament to my love for you and as if you came out knowing how to read (which knowing your super genius parents, I would not be surprised!).  It's really hard to start a letter like this, but I suppose a good place to start is our first meeting which happened a month earlier than our family expected.

When we arrived at the hospital the next day, your parents were visiting with you, so your grandparents and I hung out in your Mom's room.  I honestly felt like I was going to jump out of my skin if they didn't come back soon (hello, your dad had said 20 minutes and it had been 30!), and when I got the "OTW back" text from my bro, I was finally able to breathe normally again.  When they got back, we figured out who would meet you first from the Moon family and like the now-2nd baby in the family that I am, I insisted that I go first and solo because I needed my just-Bua-&-baby moment.

Your dad took me over to see you and when I first held the teeny-tiny-and-so-precious-smoosh that you were and you looked into my eyes, I was overcome with an emotion that I have never felt before - so much so that I cried with joy.  You and the Bro were real sweethearts for being so cool about my breakdown moment (sorry in advance because that will be the first of many - your Bua loves to cry when she's happy! :-P).  On a random note, I want you to know that that you sneezed for the first time (that we at least know of) in my arms.  Um, it was the cutest thing ever until the next cutest thing ever that you do and for the first time, "God bless you" wasn't something that just fell out of my mouth to be polite; it was really God Bless You...

One day, I'm going to take you through our convoluted family tree and explain how when you were born you were already an uncle to many and your so-cool-and-young-looking-that-this-will-be-really-hard-for-you-to-believe aunt is not only an aunt but a grandma to far too many kids in India who she is completely smitten with.  However, how I feel about you, is just oh wow; I'm talking in love, completely obsessed, and you are officially my favorite person in this whole world kind of wow.

How I feel about you almost concerns me about how I'll one day feel about my own kids (that is if your Bua actually finds you a Phupha - an Uncle - and has some!)...  You should have seen me the first time I went to the baby store to get gifts for your Mom's baby shower... I spent 3 hours in awe of everything that "my nephew needed (which of course included baby wear that professed your love for me)," came out having spent an obscene amount of money (mind you, at the time I'm writing this I've been unemployed for 9 months), and just the other day, while at Bed Bath Beyond, I became fixated on a $99 "Baby Can Read" box (I'm pretty sure you need that too!).  It is seriously a situation; however, it is also great motivation to find myself a real source of income again!

On that note, although I'm not going to explain it here, I'm heading to India for 6 months to help move me forward on the whole job/career (read: "What I want to do when I grow up") thing as well as to simply spend an extended amount of time in a place I beyond love.  Although I am completely distraught at having to leave you, I know it is the right thing for me and I'm just grateful that you didn't come a week earlier b/c I'm not sure that my sentimental-self would have booked my trip.  I'll be sure to write to you tons while I'm away and now that your super nerd dad has set up a Gmail account for you, you be sure to write me too.  Oh, and I've made your parents promise that they set up their extra laptop to Skype video you as much as humanly possible; I can't stand to miss you growing up.  & now that you're here and in the clear, I also wanted to thank you for pushing up your debut because now I get to spent 6 weeks doting on you versus the original two weeks! Yay :-D

Okay, well enough about that and let's move on to all the hopes and wishes I'm sending into the universe for your life...  First, I wanted to start with your parents because your life began with them.  I hope that you are always aware of how phenomenal your parents are and that you are so incredibly lucky to have been blessed with your Mom and Dad.  I'm going to start with your mom, because although your dad certainly helped (I know, so disturbing to us both!), your Mom not only carried you for all those months and brought you into this world, but also because there is nothing quite like the love between a mom and her child nor is there anyone quite like your mom.  Not only do you have a mom who all your guy friends are going to have crushes on one day and all your friends-who-are-girls (sorry, you are not allowed to have girlfriends - I am marrying you off one day!) are going to aspire to be like (because she is the whole package, has it all together, and makes it look enviably easy), but your mom is also a super smartie, business woman extraordinaire, and a walking personification of sweetness, love, generosity and grace.

About that whole grace thing, let me tell you about the 2 big moments in your mom's life that I was left thinking "eh?!" as to how truly graceful she was.  The first was her wedding day where you would have thought she was attending a friend's wedding and not her own because she just was SO zen about it; she wasn't concerned about or fussing over the details, how she looked or how things would turn out - she was simply enjoying the day.  The second moment was the day she went in for a routine prenatal check up one month before your actual due date and found out that YOU were going to be coming out that same day.  Even if she had any natural worries that an expecting mom would, we wouldn't have known because she was calm, collected and greeted us nervous nellies with a smile that immediately put us at peace.  That's kinda your mom's thing.

On a side note, another moment that I will always be so in awe of and grateful to your mom was the day you came home... two minutes after coming home with you for the first time, she put you in my arms without any worries that I had no prior experience with babies that were less than a year old (which is so unbelievably different than handling a newborn!).  The "to do" of the moment was to feed you, so she gave me the bottle and the basics, made me feel completely confident that I could get the task done and then sat chatting with the rest of the family as I got to work (immediately making feeding you my new favorite thing to do in life!).  I don't know if that's how all new moms would be, but in that moment and every time since then, your mom (who - without me ever saying it to her directly - knows I would want to be with you 24-7 if I could) has given me every chance possible to take care of you (irrespective of me still being a total clumsy novice - sorry about that first diaper change!).  Her doing so has made me experience something that I had many times before... deep love and gratitude that my bro scored your momma.

Now on to your so lucky-to-have your-Mom Daddy.  I've known your dad (my "bro") my whole life and well, I would have full blown Carpals Tunnels Syndrome if I went on about him the way I could.  What you should know is that as a big brother, he has always been and still is simply amazing, and as a human being, he is exceptional; I have always said "ideal," but I understand that I am biased.  You came into this world with lots of sister cousins and who knows if you arriving on Raksha Bandhan means you'll have a lil' sis of your own one day, but to say that your dad was an exemplary big bro would be the understatement of my life.  It is hard for most to believe but in all my years, your bro has never pushed, made fun of, excluded, or tormented me; instead, he took his big bro responsibilities very seriously from my arrival into this world almost 31 years ago and he has never stopped.  He has been my care taker, companion, friend and role model for my journey in life.

By the time you are reading this, you won't find this hard to believe because you'll know his nature well, but to-date, I have seen your dad mad (like enraged mad) twice in life - once when someone addressed me using a not-so-nice word and the other was when another someone acted towards me in a not-okay-with-a-big-bro kind of way - and I've never seen even an inkling of anger or frustration otherwise. They were 2 thirty-second moments and that was it, so saying that your dad is patient, kind, and tolerant would be yet another understatement.

You have been born to two extraordinary people who have such a tremendous love for each other and now you as well that just thinking about it all - and as of lately, seeing pictures of the 3 of you - can make your Bua teary-eyed.  In fact, your parents are one of the reasons that you don't have a Phupha!  Now hear me out, because that is not me blaming them; however, if after getting to know your so-awesome Bua (you are the one person in my life who is getting to know a new version of my former self and therefore might actually think I really am "so awesome"), you ever wonder why I was still single on the brink of 31, it is because after knowing couples like your parents (and my other "aspirational couples"), I am not willing to "settle."

By settle, I mean settle for the not-100%-right-with-my-gut partner simply for the sake of being married and marking off one of life's many check boxes to then get me closer to checking off the ultimate check box of having kids.  Don't get me wrong, I would still like to find that life partner and have bache (thank goodness I have you in the meantime!), but neither is any longer the end all be all for my life which they were for almost 10 months when your Bua blogged exclusively about South Asian dating (long story - I'll just send you the link one day :-P)

I'm going to stop for today, because I didn't really want to get started on me just yet (I will tell you all about your crazy-for-you Bua later!); however, I did want you to really know, never forget and constantly be grateful for you having scored with your parents.  Everything I said about them will be obvious to you growing up, but just in case you are reading this at 18 and might be thinking that you are slightly "too cool for school" (don't worry, I will always keep it real for you and remind you that you are not) and have shifted your focus to college, your friends, and having fun, you'll hopefully read this and at least go give your Mom & Dad a big hug.

Oh, and be sure to call your Bua up and begrudgingly tell her that you love her! :)

Write Soon ~ Smile Bua

We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures. - Thornton Wilder

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p.s. - A few people I had told about my letter idea wanted to take part in it as well (Baby Moon feels very blessed to have so many people excited at his arrival).  I plan on printing out all my blog posts to my nephew and binding them for him after I return from India, so if you want to post something to him here (please address to "Baby Moon") - whether you know him, me or his parents personally or not - it will go in the book.  & if you want to use your real name and don't feel comfie doing so here, please send e-mail at smilemoonsworld@gmail.com.