Down with my South Asian Dating Blog

For any naysayers who started to have a moment of satisfaction thinking "I told you so" or "We finally broke her down," I'm sorry but what you think is happening isn't. The short of it is that I no longer have a blog solely dedicated to South Asian Dating (reasons below & nope, I have not met my jeevan saathi/life partner & am therefore changing my direction), but I will still be blogging. 

& now comes the long of it....

For those of you who don't know the background as to why I started the blog (the extended explanation is in my first post back in September of last year), basically... I had recently come back from a NetIP conference in Toronto where I had my first encounter with Vijay Uncle, saw almost 900 (99% of whom where single) desi people (most in their late 20's to late 30's) nod their heads in agreement at his sentiments, flock to have one-on-one sessions with him as he stayed up all night long (literally, the man does not sleep when he is at these things) to give counsel, & befriend him on Facebook soon after.  I was completely in awe of & inspired by this Uncle, felt that I also had something to say about the whole "process" (what it felt like to me until recently was a lot of "ughhhh, this should not be this difficult" sentiments) & soon after, started what was formerly known as http://southasiandating.blogspot.com/. 

Since then, it's been quite the roller coaster ride (as you'll soon understand, I created the roller coaster & then chose to ride it) with moments of (& blog posts titled) "To Blog or not to Blog."  That was the one public display of me asking myself that question, but several times after that - after directly (usually indirectly) hearing the advice (sometimes solicited, but more often, not) & opinions of my fellow desis - I waivered on whether there was a point in doing this... Am I really doing any real good?  Would I be hurting my chances of meeting someone in the long run by talking about this topic?  Would a guy write me off in spite of how much he was interested as soon as he found out that I write a blog on the topic of South Asian dating?

Irrespective of the fact that I wasn't blogging Carrie-from SATC-style about my personal dating life, some of my general topic posts (like "Getting her # but not calling it") caused such an intense reaction & direct-at-me "hateration" (that I chose to be personally hurt & appalled about) that I was close to shutting down the blog many times.  Also, irrespective of all the positive affirmation I got about the blog - the countless amazing e-mails I received saying that I was doing a great service to the community or that I'd helped to change someone's perspective (even their life b/c they are now with their life partner - my god) & a few close friends trying to get me out of my head on what everyone else thought & reminding me that I would not want to be with nor would I be happy with a guy that would write me off b/c of something like this - I was still never 100% comfortable about being known as "Smile Moon, South Asian Dating Blogger."

Well, I can now say that me being caught up in what everyone else thought & not being comfortable as a result was the general theme of almost the last decade of my life.  & I'm completely okay with that, b/c I realized that this past weekend through an amazing course that I took in Chicago, & I'm completely done with it.  Allow me to introduce myself, aka-SmileMoon-(still-blogger)-but-who-the-only-person-whose-perception-I-care-about-is-my-own-&-even-that-not-so-much.

I will explain the not-so-much & tell you more about the course (just think "self development" for now, but SO much more than that) in a minute, but here's a side story first... After the second day of the course, I went back to my girlfriend's place where I was staying & I told her that I was having this transformative & eye-opening experience where I realized that I was my authentic self for the first two-thirds of my life as I then proceeded to describe that person to her... I was SM who... as a Sophomore in HS ran for president of a new club against 2 Seniors, won & then built that to be the largest club in our HS... decided to do an Indian dance (the first cultural act in our school's history) for our HS Senior Variety show, tried out by myself (b/c my 2 friends backed out of trying out in front of the Student Council), got picked for one of the acts (the 2 girls rejoined me) & kicked off being SM-choreographer....

My first week into freshman year of undergrad, I walked into a room of 200+ Indian people at BU's India Club, randomly went up to 4 girls I didn't know & asked them if they wanted to do a dance with me & afterwards, I went on to co-choreograph some of the best dances (saying out loud that anything I did was "the best" would have been difficult for me until a week ago) BU had seen in the 4 years I was there (I was also the voice of our co-choreograping duo & therefore had a lot of people express their dissatisfaction with me/us for "monopolozing" whatever they felt we monopolized (which I believe was being the closing act for the shows), for picking/not picking certain people & so on, but I was unapologetic for how people felt about any of it & most of all for where we ended up in the show - which was based on the caliber of our performance & something that was decided by others)... that same first week of freshman year, I also got up in front of my entire freshman class, told them that I was running for president, won & stayed president for the next 4 years... 

As I shared those stories of my former self & recounted how I was (bold, empowering, fearless, a leader), my girlfriend (in no negative way) said that she was surprised b/c she felt that how I came across was so the opposite of that.  She was being kind, b/c forget coming across as anything, I was the opposite of that person who was remarkably that way when most people were feeling teenage angst, awkwardness & were the most susceptible to being caught up in "what people thought." 

I could waste a lot of text telling you the in-my-mind-&-just-until-last-Sunday reasons that I eventually stopped being this person who, although I'd claim otherwise, got so caught up in how people perceived me & let other people's opinions/advice/feedback/whatever steer me in every which direction (never taking me any place that I was actually hoping to go), & caused me to become someone who had anxiety, self-doubt, & was constantly comparing myself to others (& not in a "I'm better than anyone" kind of way - just the opposite).  For those of you who know me or who might think that I didn't seem like what I just described, this was not my whole personality - I wasn't depressed, I was a fun & positive person, I still loved life & all that good stuff, but I also had all of the above lying beneath the surface.

Well, now on to me no longer being that inauthentic version of myself & the course, called Landmark Forum; the general experience I'm going to share with you was also shared by 130 people who went through the forum with me (some of whom I hope comment); these were people from every walk of life - CEOs of huge companies, high level consultants, store clerks, college students to housewives & everyone in between.   I signed up for this course b/c I interpreted it to be a self-development course that would give me a much needed boost as I was going through a major transition time in my life - having been laid off & moving away from the city I loved (& all my friends) & back home w/ my parents. At 30. 

What the Forum was is self-development in the loosest sense b/c what it wasn't was "being better/more/less" of anything than you were before; it was self-transformation, self-realization, & a complete deprogramming (yes, as cultish or sci-fi as that sounds, but in a completely non-forced, or "this is how you should live your life" way) of how we are naturally set to behave, react, rationalize - the whole bit.  By the end of the 3 days (Fri - Sun, 9 am to 10 pm), things as dramatic as a man (who himself was a life coach), who had made up his mind to divorce his wife of 30+ years, had reconciled with her & a woman, whose husband had shot himself in front of her & her young daughter, had closure on the experience that 20+ years of therapy had not given her (if nothing else, the Forum gives most people instant perspective on how great they have it).  My life & those of many other participants didn't have any traumatic incidents, but we just had a sense that there was more to our lives than simply being alive, going through the motions, fulfilling obligations, doing things in expected timelines (desi life as we know it) or life phases (school, work, marriage, kids, retirement, die), being content with life but not exhilarated by it or anything along those lines.

Personally, I became hyper aware of my people pleasing, not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings, "feeling bad"/guilt-ridden (over silly little things like being late - which I hardly ever am!), undermining myself (primarily by my sense of humor) by constantly explaining all my actions/"where I was in life" & sizing my life up (always resulting in me feeling less than) by where it fell based on the desi or supposed every-human-being standard - basically a belief that life will be more fulfilling & complete once I do find that life partner & even moreso once I eventually have kids.  & this is why I will not be blogging anymore purely about South Asian dating - at my core (& I promise that this is not something I'm just telling myself to make myself feel better althought you are welcome to think so), I want to live a fulfilling, blissful & contributing life & be whole & complete irrespective of whether I ever find that elusive life partner, whether I find him & he's in my life for 10 years or 50, whether I have kids, adopt or am simply an aunt to my soon-to-arrive nephew (& a grandmommy to my bazillion "kids" in India) - whatever & however it plays out, I'm done worrying about it.  However, I'm still in the single world & find it so interesting, so I'll definitely be blogging about it from time to time, but you'll find that my approach & sentiments are different.

I imagine that a lot of people will read this & think that I've gone off the deep end or have been brainwashed & made to lie to myself (i.e. - live in a world of self delusion).  I definitely know that I haven't been made to do anything other than make a choice & even if it was delusion, if I could feel as alive, excited, & carefree as I do now, then bring on the delusion baby :)  For those of you who are skeptics, I promise you that people you know - the normal, not-so-sentimental ones - have done this course; one desi guy from Chicago, whose name I won't be mentioning but most desi Chicagoans would know (& who is so "normal" & actually a great person), had gifted this to his equally normal & super cool girlfriend.  Start asking around & you'll find that people you know have done this; they all just don't have a blog to be able to tell you about it.  No, but seriously, if you can take away all your pre-conceived notions about "self-help" or anything touchy-feely (there was no touching or feeling), & become open to the possibility that your life could be completely transformed, that you will no longer be consumed by any of your life's previous traumas no matter how big or small (or stories like "mommy issues, sibling rivalry, trust issues," etc.) & that you could be your authentic self irrespective of any of life's circumstances (& by those I'm talking everything from being single/coupled, employed/unemployed, healthy/ill to things that we never anticipate but that do happen like 9/11, Katrina, etc.), then I highly recommend the Landmark Forum to you.

The website is http://www.landmarkforum.com/ (please see below for some more info) & if anyone has any questions about the cost (I would seriously have paid 2-3 times what I'd paid if I knew how I would be walking out of there on Sunday), how the 3 days transpired or ANYTHING about my experience, please reach out to me here.  Even if one person does the Forum b/c of my recommendation, I know I will have helped to make made a profound impact on someone's life, the lives of all the people in their life & so on, so this is me, finally having my Gandhi moment & being the change I wish to see in this world :)

As always, thanks for reading & write soon ~  Smile Moon (that's still my blog name, but if you do sign up for the forum, be sure to tell them that Smita Chand sent you - nope, I don't get a cut of your registration!)

** MORE INFO ** - 1.2 million people have gone through the forum, it is offered all over the world including Mumbai, Delhi & Bangalore & the 50 people who lead the forum have committed that they will never work in any other profession for the rest of their lives (have any of us ever been committed to a job?); I think that in itself speaks to the profound impact the Forum makes on people's lives.  One thing though.... definitely feel free to Google reviews (I'm happy I didn't), but take this from someone who writes a blog... people are much more vocal, livid, harsh & sometimes plain old nasty when they are in the anonymous world of the internet.  Most people don't go rushing to spread their joy & warm fuzzies when they experience something positive, but they do rush to their computers b/c they can't wait to tell the world about it when they have the opposite experience.  I just want you to be aware of that before you stumble upon those reviews b/c they are definitely out there.