What's our ISSUE...???

I mean issues & oh wow, where to begin...?   & here's my disclaimer of the day... depending on which issue I'm talking about - either due to my personal nature or a particular circumstance (being female, part of this generation, etc.) - I am likely plagued by it.  I'm sure we could collectively come up with a million reasons why our generation is struggling (I think that even the with-boyf/girlf/fiance/spouse individuals who read this would agree that there is a problem going on here), but I'm just going to start with a few that come to my mind when comparing things to the good ol' "back in the day" times...

Back in the day (I'm talking about the American day & not our desi parents' mostly-arranged-marriage-&-with-dowry-day), there were a lot of things going on that were in their favor at least when it came to finding the now-ever-elusive "one."  Here's my take on some of those things (that as you'll see have ZERO to be with being South Asian & everything to do with being a part of our generation)...

• Lives were simpler & therefore expectations more realistic - women & men had certain roles that they filled & the goal in life was to partner up, settle down & raise a family.  Men were looking for someone who would make a good wife, mother & manage the household while women looked for men who be good husbands, fathers & provide their families with security.   That was the American Dream. I know people wanted more for themselves than that, but now I fear that we all want waaay too much.  I'm all for feminism, modernization, equality & such, but with equality, technology (those who watch Sex in the City know what I mean), & intimate relationships happening outside of marriage, I think people (men especially) end up having very little incentive to get married.  Before, men knew that they were bringing a lot to the table & supplementing the partnership & that made them feel pretty darned great about themselves.  However, now I think many men are naturally a bit emasculated because women don't need all those things anymore; sure, women still want the partnership, security & emotional connection that comes with being married, but for men, to be all of that to a woman for the rest of their lives is a whole lot of pressure & something they might not be ready/capable of doing.

• People were not so overly stimulated... Our generation has had an obscene amount of things to entertain us from cable television, video games & gadgets, to countless activities & every humanity-ruining show on MTV (i.e. - Flavor of Love/Brett Michael's Rock Of Love 1, 2 & 3 or my new mind-kill-favorite, Tool Academy... my god, kill me now, but I'm not going to lie - I've watched episodes of all of them! :-/).  I believe that we are so used to constantly being entertained/stimulated in some way, that we often end up getting very bored easily of life & the people in it - meaning we'll date someone, get so super excited by them, but then that feeling doesn't sustain.  Another problem with over-stimulation that has been the biggest disservice to 95% of the women in the world (& as a result, all relationships) who do NOT look like this is that all these reality shows (which I think we all agree show all people who are far from real), celebrities, magazines, porn on demand (aka Skin-e-max), TV/movies & every other medium that had made most men idealize women like Megan Fox & Jessica Alba.  Even our desi films have become soft porn-ish; female stars from the good ol' black & white movie days who used to have curves & wore sarees are now super thin bikini-wearing stripper-type dancers who partake in make-out scenes.  Physical expectations are at an all-time absurd high (I say absurd b/c its many of the anti-Brad Pitt/Jon Abraham guys who have them) - anything less than a perfectly symmetrical face, flat abs, perky & sizable bust, cellulite/stretch-mark/imperfection-free everything & toned body that specifically makes the other guys green with envy is not acceptable
• Back in the day, gorgeous women that American men publicly idealized (like Marilyn Monroe - even though she was racy in her time, Grace Kelly & Audrey Hepburn) left things to the imagination by wearing clothes that did not show every part of their body that really should only be for the eyes of (I personally believe) someone you're in intimate relationship with.  ** Side note on this, don't get me wrong, I am not saying that we should dress in turtlenecks & slacks, b/c I don't; you'll mostly catch me in dresses (sometimes short ones) & like most females my age (& depending on the occasion), I like to show some skin from time-to-time.  However, for the most part, I think it's appropriate skin.  Here is where a few of you (especially the ones who know me) will just die at my being so conservative b/c you know me as the blog-writing, speak-her-mind, have a grand ol' time wherever she goes SmileMoon... Okay, so the thing is that even when I might've (& this is a big huge might have) had a bikini body, I never felt comfortable wearing one b/c I could not & still don't for the life of me (& no hateration to my friends or any girls who wear them) understand why anyone would want to... no, but seriously, how is wearing a bikini any different than wearing your underwear?  & if it's not okay for me to parade around in my bra & panties in public (or in front of any male relative of mine or guy that I am not not dating) why is it okay to wear bikinis...?   Anywho, I digress & sorry for the random SmileMoon tangent! :-P  

• People were more conservative & reserved & as a result, relationships had some mystery/ anticipation to them.  I know this was something that changed as the times & culture changed but it definitely changed for the worse.  Back then, people were in committed relationships that resulted in marriage or most even married before they did half the things that people in our generation start doing long before that (errr.... if you have younger cousins, siblings or people you care about, talk to them frankly about all that stuff & I'm going to have a whole blog post dedicated to parents, but if you're one now or are going to be one, when Raju/Bittu/Gudia grow up, don't be naive & just assume - as most desi folk do & our parents did - that b/c they are a "good kid" who does well in school that they are not involved in everything that their American counterparts are involved in from relationships, smoking, drugs, & all kinds of other peer/internal pressures; I didn't get into the latter items but in spite of my being an honor-roll-never-got-in-any-trouble-student, I definitely liked boys in high school & so did 99% of my friends).  I think I can sum up this bullet point with the response that Vijay Uncle gave to a girl at NetIP who said "Uncle, the problem is that guys nowadays don't want to commit" to which he without blinking responded "Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free??"  Enough said on that for now...

• People were not so hyper-connected..... as you already know, this is one of my biggest pet peeves.  Back in the day (& omg, even back in my day of when we only had landlines & the invention of the beeper was life-changing), people actually had to meet up or if nothing else at least pick up the PHONE to connect to each other.  Now, from e-mail, IM, BBM-ing, texting, Facebook, every other online "networking" site & more, we are all so uber-connected but in - what I think - is the most empty & unrewarding way possible - via bing, ping & status posts.  Nothing feels special anymore b/c hardly anyone actually calls & "connection" happens via a few written words that the recipient is left to analyze & interpret intent.  I personally think that most guys have taken remarkable advantage of no longer having to actually talk to the girls they are interested in...  these modes of pseudo-communication have emboldened them with more wit, humor & sass than they might ever have in person, they can communicate with more than one girl at once (in an effort to keep their options open) & they are perpetually stringing girls along with a random text or some kind of message here or there (it's this whole "I don't like you enough to be with you; however, I still want your attention & would like to string you along for as long as I can" mentality).  It's kind of funny, but my girlfriends & I have said things like the following to each other more times that I can count... "He facebook'd me (I love how Facebook is both a networking site & a verb :-P)... He texted me 3 days ago, but I haven't heard from him since... etc."  Analyzing what guys mean in their e-communication or lack thereof adds to the already so-confusing feat of having to understand them in real life.  Ugh.

• People weren't so lazy.  I'm not saying we're all lazy, but for the most part, our generation has grown up wanting to reap (the usually instant) rewards with little to no effort.  We're far more willing to put in the effort into our education & professional success (& we spend so much of our lives doing just that), but when it comes to relationships, most of us are completely clueless; we think things are going to feel good always b/c they felt good in the beginning.... we think far more about I/me more than we think about we/us... & we don't understand that good, healthy, long-lasting relationships take a whole lot of effort, putting the other person's needs above your own & just plain old WORK.  We all expect this "oh wow, knock my socks off" connection with someone & won't settle for anything less than that; a lot of people get so swept up in that "in love" feeling, how "hot" someone is or how "amaaazing" some part of their chemistry is, but either before marriage (hopefully) or several years after, they realize that (most often when real life - kids, stretch marks, male pattern baldness, health/financial problems, etc. - sets in) they actually have nothing in common & go their separate ways.   Sorry, that has nothing to do with being lazy; that has to do with all of the above which can be summarized into our values are so jacked up (way more on that in later blogs).

I'd like to think that my values aren't jacked up, but that I was naive thinking that when I was ready to "settle down" that it would be easy schmeezy.... Also, I had a few less-than-stellar-character guys waste my time here or there & on top of that, I ignored my gut instincts (which have always been right) & spent time in a few relationships that probably shouldn't have ever started, &if nothing else, definitely shouldn't have lasted as long as they did.

Well, I think that's the big momma of all my posts so far. I know it was a bit disjointed & I'm sorry about that; I also know that I must sound like someone who wants to go jump into a DeLorean time machine (sorry, I heart Back to the Future! :-P) & send myself back to another time period... I can't say I've never wished that I was raised in a different generation where things were just simpler or more than wishing I was some where else, just that our generation didn't make things so convoluted.  However, I'm also someone who is completely hopeful that I am going to meet & end up with someone who values the same things as me without ever having to worry about inventing a flux capacitor!  (Mom & Dad, SmileMoon knows what she wants for Christmas - the Back to the Future trilogy!  :-P)

Ok, I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving.  Thanks for reading & talk soon ~ SmileMoon

p.s. - Upcoming blog posts in the next few weeks... Deal Breakers... Leagues (Who's In?  Who's Out?  Do they exist?) - this was slightly touched on in this posting... the Elusive "Spark" & how important is it?  &... Made to Order Brides from the Motherland.

Interracial Dating/Marriages - one of the few blogs on this topic...

Ok, so I know that I put a lot of "disclaimers" in my blog, & I'm sorry, but I can't help it (I am desi so naturally always fearful of being judged!) :-P  No, but seriously, I am really a very open-minded, non-stereotyping-type of person, so I want to make sure that everyone understands that my blog posts are simply a window into thoughts that I have had or sometimes continue to have.  For this particular blog, I don't want any of my desi guys to think that I have unlove for them b/c I don't - Go Desi Boys All the Waaaay!  & I don't want my desi girls (considering that I'm one of them) to think I'm hating on them/us either.  However, the below & following blogs to come are about how I've felt from time to time & how I know other desi people - guys & girls alike - have told me they felt about interracial dating/marriages.

So, disclaimer complete & now I can get started!  First off, I can say that I for one am all for interracial, inter-religion, inter-everything.  Since I was a wee little girl I've always been massively confused by all the religion/race/color unlove as well as any drama & stereotypes related to it.   I'm not saying I've never generalized or stereotyped (b/c I have), but I really do see people as just that... people - who they are based on how they are... not what they are (Hindu, Muslim, White, Black, Doctor, Teacher, etc.); although I've always had a significant # of desi friends, if at any stage of my life you put all my friends in a room together, it would look like the "It's a Small World" ride in Disney World.  So even though I've always been open-minded & my friends have always been diverse, until I was 27 years old, I was beyond hell bent on "Indian only, preferably Hindi speaking, preferably blah, blah," & had never considered a non-desi guy (let alone gone on a date with one) until my last relationship with a white guy.

I wanted Indian-only for all the same reasons why anyone of any culture/race wants someone similar to themselves - culture, religion, language, upbringing, family, future kids, etc. etc.  I get it & it's still what I ideally want; however, in the past few years I've definitely become open minded to the possibility of non-desi & thankfully I have very open-mind parents (minus the one race & one religion that are big NO-NO's) & a community back home where every 3rd person has married a white person, so it's something that's very accepted.

Now one thing about me & non-desi guys (white guys in particular - I've always had a thing for & still heart them - specifically blonde-haired, blue-eyed ones! :-P).... ever since I was in elementary school (one thing to know about me, I didn't have an awkward phase in my formative years; ages 4 through 21 were amazing times, it was 22-27 where I struggled), I have loved being around them b/c it was just easy.  When I'm around non-desi guys, I wouldn't (& don't) get caught up in my mind, feel self-conscious (sometimes in the Desi world, I feel like we are constantly sizing each other up & critiquing one another) & can just be my silly, goofy self (non-desi guys have always found this to be super cute whereas I find it to not be something necessarily so appealing to some of my desi guy counterparts). & one of my favorite things is that these guys are just as silly/goofy/witty, so I am forever laughing & being entertained.  (** Another disclaimer/side note - there have been & are desi-guys that I feel the above & below with; this is just me generalizing the non-desi-SmileMoon phenomenon!)

& as superficial as it is, the absolute best thing with non-desi guys is the attention they give me & how darn cute/pretty they make me feel (just like my beloved Walter!).  Sure, it could be that they're intrigued by something different (a brown girl!) & find us to be exotic but who cares - at least they are intrigued?!  & when they are, they have no problem expressing it; they are completely explicit, direct & they let you know that they are interested.  Like I said in a previous post, my last boyfriend (who was white) was transparent in his actions upon meeting me, got my # that nite, called & asked me out on a "date" the very next day - he didn't beat around the bush, he didn't start chatting w/ me on gchat or via text & didn't make me wonder by all his nice actions whether he was interested; he told me his intentions & that was it.  Whereas with a lot of desi guys (not only in my personal situations but my girlfriends as well), it's like this big long drawn out overly mysterious & confusing process that most of the time feels like a lot of wondering & game playing.  I'm not saying that us desi girls don't help make it convoluted, because I know we do (& I'd looove to hear more on that from the guys!)

In the desi world, & I'm sorry guys, but if you looked at all our movie stars (let's compare a Shahrukh Khan who I worship to a Madhuri Dixit/Ashwariya Rai), significant # of Miss Worlds & Universes & just general population, there is no scarcity of attractive Indian girls.  Seriously (& this is not to be mean or to sound completely awful), but to every ONE Jon Abraham/Abhishek Bachan, there are 10 drop dead gorgeous Shilpa Shetty-types.  In Chicago alone (& I've heard guys says this here & in NY) guys are like "kids in a candy shop" with the massive # of above-average to very good looking desi girls.  So, although I'm not saying that I'm anything special to look at or fall into the "good looking" category, I regardless always feel like a "dime a dozen" around most desi guys.  Kinda like "hey, you're cute (they're interested, they're talking to me), but when a new girl walks in 2 seconds later, it's "hey, you're even cuter" & NEXT!  It's funny b/c in every group I've been in & at every phase in my life, guys are like moths to a candle flame whenever there's a new pretty girl in town or who shows up to some event; they know nothing about her except that she's easy on the eyes & they are all tripping all over themselves to be around her.

On the desi-guys' side who've dated/married non-desi girls, I've heard them say that it's just less complicated - less drama (family, personal, or otherwise), fewer insecurities to deal with, & just fewer things in general to have to "deal" with.  I hear where they're coming from & that very well might be true.  However, at the end of the day, I think that whether it be the attention we desi girls perceive from non-desi guys or the "less drama" desi-guys feel with non-desi girls, these relationships work because of a connection & the rest is irrelevant.

One thing I've also felt is that sometimes we get so caught up on finding someone who meets all are our endless "desi-check mark" criteria (more on this later; I feel like us desis are something else when it comes to that!), but at the end of the day, that connection/spark isn't necessarily there... or they could be desi by name, but not desi by nature.  I have dated "white-washed" desi guys who resented, were embarrassed by or pushed away their culture growing up (either with the help of their parents who wanted to make them "Amreekanized" or all on their own).... they couldn't understand/speak the language, had no affinity for their culture or the motherland & basically, other than their actually being brown, there was very little that actually made them Indian. Then on the other hand, there was someone like my ex who was as white as they come, but who appreciated everything about how into my culture I was... watched the movies & went to Indian buffets with me... had asked me to start teaching him some Hindi as he was looking into Rosetta stone on his own... & who made me feel like the best thing since sliced bread (again, some of you who haven't read previous blogs - this relationship didn't work out but not due to some dramatic reason; this person is still someone who I still think so highly of b/c he is just a great guy).

I've seen many desi-non-desi couples in action & they - just like any other great couples - are amazing not because they have "check mark criteria"-type things in common, but because they have great chemistry, a profound partnership & understanding of each other, & so on.  These couples talk about how all the supposed "differences" (religion, culture, secondary language, etc.) didn't matter at the end of the day because their relationships were so great & easy & their values & goals aligned that all that stuff sorted itself out.  I'm not saying it's so easy for all interracial couples but I think for those who see the BIG picture & whose families support them (I find this part interesting & I know Vijay Uncle would agree, b/c some parents would rather have their kids be single until eternity than marry a non-desi, non-Guju-Patel-from-this-particular-gaam, non-Brahmin, etc.) can easily make it work.

Anywho, I have to start ironing my saree (it should only take me 3 hours) for yet another brown "networking event" - this time a gala Net-IP event in Chicago.  Like Net-IP Toronto back in September, my goal is to spend time with my friends, have a whole lot of fun & get my balle-balle shaava shaava on & hey, if a guy happens to catch my eye or vice versa, that's never a bad thing either.

Hoping everyone has a great weekend ~ SmileMoon :)