(For those of you who I've had recent conversations with about the blog, I wrote this post well before I left for India in March, but just never got around to posting it. Dating websites happened to be coming up a lot recently, so here's at least one more SM-post...)
Shaadi.com... 1,400,000 matches & counting... “Ranked the most visited matrimonial website in the world!” (Ranking.com). Now, I know everyone has an opinion about the desi dating websites, but that # is pretty remarkable to me (although it probably shouldn't be considering we Indians have wildly overpopulated this world!) especially if 1.5 million matches means that almost 3 million people are now married. & on top of that, that # doesn't include all the people who don’t inform Shaadi.com that they were a success story due to their services or who make up stories about how they met other than Shaadi!
Now, admitting this might make me instantaneously pathetic or "Omg, you've been 'looking' for that long & still haven't found someone. What's wrong with you??" but you know me, ever the glutton for some hateration. :) Anywho, here it goes... (roll sheepish music)... in some form or another, I've been on some kind of online dating website since I was 23. I remember it distinctly; my girlfriend from undergrad had recently gotten married & I'd been in the DC area for 2 years with nada happening on the meeting guys front. A handful of (older) friends of mine had mentioned IndianDating.com & Shaadi.com as being good ways of meeting people (one was seriously dating someone & a guy friend had recently gotten engaged to someone), so I said what the heck, let's do this! Side note - I was not ready to be married at 23, but I did think it made sense to eventually start dating someone so it would all happen when I thought I'd wanted it to - 26! :-D
I remember a few months into it, I was killing time at work & chatting on AIM with a good guy friend of mine. I'd told him that I'd gotten on a dating website & suggested that he do the same. He got on the website, & ironically enough (majorly ironically for me uhh... considering it is 7 years later & here I am blogging about it! :-P), within 2 weeks, a GORGEOUS, incredibly sweet, amaaazing personality & perfectly-matched-up-to-him-in-every-way Gujarati girl reached out to him (now he's totally easy on the eyes, but she is WOW - sorry if you are reading, but you know it's true!), & I think they were engaged within a couple of months, and married within a year or so. I'm still good friends with the guy; the 2 of them are a great couple, & to this day, I give him flack for not getting a shout out at the wedding reception for making it all happen! (I'm also a glutton for praise :-D)
My online world experiences along the way included the following... multiple phone/e-mail connections that eventually resulted in in-person meetings... one that included me walking right past the guy b/c "that couldn't possibly be him," another where the guy definitely must have listed his height when wearing heels b/c I don't wear them, am a solid 5'4" & was looking him dead in the eyes (not that the height thing was the biggest issue; it was the misrepresentation), & many more instances where the in-person connection did not line up to the tele/e-communicating & glamour shot picture I'd seen online.
In my younger to mid-20's, as a non-paid member, I remember being overwhelmed at the number of "interests" I would get every day & would "decline" like it was my J.O.B. Decline, decline, decline, ma-aaybe, actually nope, de-cline! I rejected on all kinds of "criteria" & was specifically looking for a guy raised in North America, 5'8" or taller, a North Indian guy who ideally also spoke Hindi & oh, someone who was smashingly good looking. Yes, I know very well what they say about Karma, but I’d like to think that was less me being an evil human being (anyone who has been on a dating website has used the “Decline” button) & more just being naïve thinking that the guy possibilities were infinite which is exactly how the online dating world can make one feel.
Well, now, at 30, with a profile edited by my brother & a membership sponsored by my father (true story, finding SM her jeevan saathi is completely a family effort :-P), things are a bit different... Whereas in my 20's, I could get hundreds of interests in a week, now if I even get 10, it's been a really strong week. Now, I might be lying to myself, but I really don't think that I've aged that dramatically (& I might really be lying to myself even more but I think I actually look better than I did back then), so I don't think it's the looks thing. I do, however, think it's definitely the age thing or at least that's a biggie. (If you haven't read my "Great Age Debate" posting, you can see my in-depth thoughts on that topic :-P).
Nowadays, I'm definitely not as quick to reject people although I'm sorry, what's that saying... a picture says a thousand words? The guys with 3 pics all wearing sunglasses, or every picture has a girl in it (this to me just shows lack of common sense) & quite honestly, the guys I just know I'd never be attracted to, I do decline. Declining is an unfun thing whether you are on the delivering or receiving end, but what I do find highly amusing are the pre-written rejection statements that the websites make for you... From Shaadi - "Hello, Thanks for expressing interest in my profile. I may not be a suitable match for you (I love it, it's not you, it's me!) Wish you good luck in your partner search" & my favorite is from JeevanSathi - "We are sorry, but your profile does not meet our expectation. Keep looking there must be someone out there for you." How encouragingly sweet? Lol.
Another bizarro thing that happens often as of lately is that a guy will express interest in me, I'll accept back, write a one or two liner about how I don't check my shaadi e-mail account & can be reached at my real e-mail address & then nada. This whole express interest, I reciprocate & then never hear from them thing has happened to me more times than I can count, & although I can definitely get that the person is now communicating with someone else, is no longer interested, etc., I don't understand how that all goes down so quickly and why people keep their interests "open" when they are apparently no longer interested.
Or, there are those people that you will hear back from initially, but it takes them 2-4 weeks before they get around to communicating again. I'm Ms. Reply-in-a-Jiffy-otherwise-I'm-likely-to-not-reply-at-all, & I understand that most people aren't like that in general & that especially when it comes to "dating," people like to sit on messages for a few days so as not to seem hard pressed. So I decided to wait to respond a few days to play it cool, play the game, whatever, but doing that just resulted in more of the same. I also used to never express interest in guys, but have started to (all of about 4), & it's the same thing all over again. Because I'm a paid member, I'll write something brief & witty (or so I think) along with my "expression of interest", the guy will accept, & then nothing. At the end of the day, I know that it's the online world, so basic common courtesy & etiquette is a non-factor to most whereas yours truly, queen of guilt, tries to acknowledge everyone including the ones she has to reject.
In spite of all these experiences and those that countless girlfriends (as well as guy friends who have horror stories of whacky/misrepresented/lack-of-connection girls they've met) have had, I still think online dating websites are a great way to put yourself out there considering that we all know that in-person dating has its own many frustrations. I definitely believe that no one way is perfect or right, but considering that it's just one way/time that needs to "work," the more ways in which you put yourself out there - whether it be actively asking your friends/family to introduce you to people, heading to every desi "networking" event you can, being in Vijay Uncle's Seriously Looking Albums, or the countless dating websites (desi & non) - the more likely you are to eventually meet someone. To borrow from my dear friend & matchmaker, Bela Gandhi, it's all about "casting your net as wide as possible."
The biggest thing is to realize that you will continue to get the same results if you continue to do the same exact thing. Yes, for those of us in this single boat it's really easy to get jaded because we feel that in spite of our best efforts (& our strong belief that we are really nice, normal & moderately attractive people so it shouldn't be this difficult!), but if time has taught us anything, it should be that Mr. Prince Charming or Ms. Fair & Lovely is not going to show up at our doors.
Another big thing to keep in mind is getting rid of this whole silly feeling of "feeling desperate b/c you are 'looking'" Everyone, at pretty much every stage in their life (since their hormones kicked in) has had their eyes open & is "looking" whether or not they openly say they are & irrespective of whether they were ready to settle down or not. If everyone stopped trying to play it so cool & made the effort required to make this eventually happen, I think far more love connections would be happening. One other big thing is that in spite of your age - whether you are in your 20's to 40's - let's stop writing off people that we actually connect with due to logistical/circumstantial reasons. Let's throw caution to the wind (in a still moderate & practical way) & at least explore/humor possibilities whether it be with that one guy you met at the NetIP conference who lives across the country or you're completing residency (your MBA, going through some other life phase/transition that causes you to compartmentalize, etc.) & "have no time." I've seen, experienced it & probably done it myself enough times, where both guys & girls pass up a great connection they have with someone due to circumstances & it's unfortunate because years - for some people their whole lives - have passed by playing it like Goldilocks & waiting for everything to be "just right." & one piece of advice specific to the ladies, in spite of my still fully believing that a guy should do the actual "chasing," I've realized that some guys just don't pick up on our signals no matter how transparent we think we're being or at the end of the day, they are just nervous about being rejected. So, definitely don't chase, stalk or anything along those lines, but a friendly lil' nudge might just give him the confidence boost that he needs & get things going in the right direction.
Some ending thoughts for those on the websites or considering exploring them... Regarding pictures... no sunglasses, should be within the last 3 years, should not have someone from the opposite sex in them (it doesn't matter that it's your sister/brother - the person looking doesn't know that) & your main picture probably shouldn't have a baby in it unless he/she is your own... should accurately reflect what you really look like as much as possible (the more pics you can post, the better). Regarding your profile... Grammar & spell check is a MUST (my general rule is: 2 missing prepositions/misspellings & I'm out!) If you are a guy avoid saying that you are seeking someone "very good looking, attractive, etc." This is an "uh duh" & does not need to be stated... Have someone from the opposite sex (that you trust & who will be frank with you) review your profile & even better, have a few people you trust, give you feedback... Try your hardest not to be uber generic - say something clever, witty (but not sarcastic), interesting about you - your interests, somewhere you've traveled, anything. & lastly, I don't know about all of you, but as soon as I see that the profile is posted by someone other than the person himself, I usually pass that profile up; whether you don't know that your family is searching on your behalf or you allow them to screen for you, I find it all disconcerting.
Well, that's all from me! I would love to hear about your online dating experiences - good or bad - or perhaps, even some success stories of you or someone else meeting someone they are now with online.
Write Soon ~ SmileMoon :)
People are very open-minded about new things - as long as they are exactly like the old ones. - Charles F. Fettering
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