My Uber-"Comment" to Vijay Uncle's Facebook Thread

Since there is no benefit for me personally - no ads, no counters, no anything - for you to come visit my blog, I hope everyone understands that my re-directing you here from Vijay Uncle's page was for no other purpose than to not be "that girl" who posted that horrifically long comment!


First, for anyone stumbling upon this who has not been reading the slew of posts & comments on Vijay Uncle's page, here's a brief re-cap (& if you have NO idea who Vijay Uncle is, please go to my very first blog post bag in September for an explanation):  

• Vijay Uncle has set up "Seriously Looking" albums for both men & women on his Facebook page on which individuals can post bio-datas with the purpose of engaging in a dating process with far higher accountability on the being direct, no-playing-games, & actually making effort factors.
• More women have posted & are posting their profiles; however, the majority of all people posting have been in their 30's with a few people in their late 20's.
• A 24-year old female contacted Vijay Uncle expressing interest in being in the album... that she was ready but (& someone please correct me if I'm wrong on any of this) she felt out of place considering the general age range for the group.
• Without identifying the girl, Vijay Uncle posted about her concern & many women (including yours truly) encouraged her to go for it b/c the 30-something guys would love to date someone in that age range.  It was inferred by some that us 30-somethings might be bitter or resentful of the 24-something.  
• Vijay Uncle's next post on his page read as follows:   "It may not be the age but attitude, stupid! Yesterday I had a lively discussion with lots of women in regards to our youngest (24 y/o) on seriously looking album. The basic tone (from other women) was that all those old guys would jump to joy due to her age. Implication was, 'no one likes me because of my biological age!' While this may be true to some extent I feel there may be something else in play. The attitude.
• To which my response (along with others was):  Hi Uncle, I hope that's not how I came across in my original "oh yeah, the 30 year-old guys will scoop you up! (or something to that effect" comment. & i'm def not threatened by girls younger than me & i think any guys or girls who are seriously looking should feel comfortable being in your album irrespective of their age. However (& i agree with A.O. on the reasoning), it's a fact that a good majority of guys do prefer women who are younger than them & for guys, that is just sooo much easier whether it b/c of a "ticking clock" or society's norms - people would look at me like a crazy person if i dated a 25-year old guy & i'd get some serious judgment thrown my way (& no i don't care, i've dated guys younger than me), but besides possibly saying "oh wow" no one would really be too bothered about a 36-year old dating a 25 year-old.  & to all the 20-somethings looking at the album & thinking "that would never be me. i'll find someone" i promise you that all of us in our early-to-mid 20's thought the same thing. so... get on it now if you're really ready!
• The clincher is Vijay Uncle's most recent posting (to which I naturally have a response & therefore decided to create a whole blog post dedicated to it) about a male who wrote to him expressing some thoughts that he could (for obvious reasons) not post with his name associated to them; therefore Uncle posted them anonymously.  
  

The message reads as follows:  "Hi Vijay Uncle, Just wanted to give you my $.02. No guy will say this with his name attached, but age is quite important to many of us. Yes, how they look and take care of themselves are key...  but, the age of "35" looms over many of us.  The statistics on childbirth scare many, and the push to marry someone younger is partially due to that number.   As well, most men simply prefer younger women, all other things equal. This would piss off, or hurt many of them who are looking...so many of us just don't want to publicize it on FB."

Oh wow.  Honestly, I wasn't sure where to begin & seriously, I'm not upset at the age part of what he is saying.  I understand that this is a consideration for men or at least for those who want to have kids one day, but I hope that EVERYONE is looking for a partner to be more than just the father/mother to their possible future children (or anything else like a paycheck, as a lot of men feel that they are to desi women), b/c you know what... you could pass up someone not in your "ideal age range" who you connect with tremendously (& who, unbeknownst to you, is actually as fertile as britney spears - FYI, conception chances decline & do not STOP as we age & men are effected as well) & end up with someone far younger thinking that relationship would be more ideal... only to find out that she has fertility problems (I think the stat is that 1 in every 7 women do) or shoot, that YOU do! ...or to the ladies, Mr. Money Bags loses his balleriffic job & you can no longer make your mortgage or buy your LV bags. Now what?


The reason divorce is so prevalent is in our generation (& I think we'd all agree that although it was infrequent in our parents' generation, Indian couples are almost on trend with American society on this one) b/c people only foresee a perfect future with their partner & aren't able to imagine all of life's "what if's"... then when REAL life hits (w/ the many ways that it does - infertility, wrinkles, hair loss, illness, children - sometimes those with special needs, job loss, financial issues, etc.), those marriages based on superficial qualities, check mark type things, & so on, are quick to fail. To people who are caught up in anything superficial, I want you to take pause (& although I wish no ill on anyone), imagine a worst case scenario that life could throw you with your partner who meets your superficial check-marks/desires.... like the ones above... or how about a situation like Christopher Reeves...?


He was only 43 (that age is really not that tremendously far off in the future for many of us) & pretty much in the prime of his life (I'm someone who believes your 30's & 40's are the true prime of people's lives & not your 20's where you just look good, party too hard, & so on) when he became a quadriplegic... I always talk about Dana & Christopher Reeves when I talk about an "ideal" relationship because their bond was so profound, spiritual & based on true unconditional love that their marriage did not take a turn for a worse; instead, it strengthened. Dana did not resent Christopher or her life... the couple even managed to be intimate with each other irrespective of the fact that he had no feeling in his body from the neck down. Now, I know a lot of people are thinking that all that worked b/c it was Christopher who suffered the injury & not Dana, but I'd like to believe different. I'd also like to believe that all these people who give so much importance to "how someone looks" & "how they take care of themselves" or "what their income/status is" that if they imagined their future life partner in a worst-case scenario (let's say the absolute worst being dropped in a tank of acid Joker-from-Batman style) would there be any substance in your relationship that would keep you from cheating or getting a divorce...? Like I said, I would hope... & the end of the day, "not leaving" comes down to character & not not obligation or anything else.


Also, sorry to rehash my point from one of my earlier comment on Vijay Uncle's page, but I can't help it after the posting about a 20-something female saying that she was "not at all concerned that (she) will not find a life partner) ... This is not directed specifically at you (I know I'm quoting you, but it's not in a negative way at all), because I understand how you feel b/c I felt it.. at 25, 26, 27, 28, even 29 & then (not b/c I think 30 is a "death sentence" or that "no one will marry me" but simply b/c I'm a practical person & can look back at how the past 4 years that had transpired), when 30 hit, that feeling of "it will happen when I want it to" started to decline. For anyone in the 20-something category, I hope you understand that Vijay Uncle's whole point & purpose is that all of us who were in awe of his presentation at NetIP, or who are in her seriously looking album, etc., we ALL thought that when we were ready - whether it was 26, 30 or later - that it would happen easily for us. We never thought we'd be here & STILL so single & free to mingle in spite of our not wanting to be.


I think Vijay Uncle would agree that we shouldn't set age targets, limits, restrictions or deadlines for ourselves. I know of plenty of girls & guys who broke up with their soulmate-type boyfriend/girlfriend when they were in their early-to-mid-2o's so that they could "explore what else is out there" or b/c they "were too young to settle down" only to find that they haven't had that connection with someone since then. The same concept applies for many who passed off meeting "potentials" (whether it be through a dating website, friends, family or otherwise) b/c "they hadn't lived life" or "they had to finish residency, their MBA, or some element of their schooling... A lot of them (especially the ladies) are now thinking "Ok, so I'm a 34-year old surgeon (or this far along in my career) but I am beyond struggling to meet guys to seriously date." I always wonder what people would choose if they had the opportunity to go back in time & do a "do-over"... omg, looking back, for a good amount of time in my 20's, I didn't want to date anyone older than my brother (who is 3 years older than me) b/c I thought it was "too weird." I was the weird one & if I could go back & do a "do over" for some of the guys I passed up for silly reasons, I definitely would.


** A side note on dating websites, although I haven't obviously had success on sites like Shaadi, I think they are great; many of my friends have met their life partners & are in amazing relationships with someone they met on there. I know we all poke fun of them (& I'm sure I'll will later on in this blog), but what exactly is weird, embarrassing or wrong about being proactive about meeting people & expanding your dating options...? **

Anywho... back to the topic at hand... It doesn't take a genius to understand why so many more women are single later in life than men; I don't think it's b/c we're bitter, jaded or incapable of being loving partners... I think a lot of it has to do with (what I think) is a fact (as in a part of their DNA) for most men (& is often the reason behind their choice in women, cars, gadgets, etc. & choosing to leave said-woman/car/gadget for a new model)... men like what's shiny, new & catches their eye... they thrive on both being intrigued by & feeling like they have the shiniest toy at their side, in their pocket or as their mode of transportation. I personally believe that men will & are passing up the older women for their younger counterparts b/c they can... Another thing along those lines is that unlike our male counterparts, 99% of Indian women born & raised in America can't just pick up @ age 36 (actually, ANY age) & head to the motherland to find their version of what the guys are going abroad for (I personally or through one degree of separation know TEN guys who've done this & quite a few of them who had no problems getting girls here)... a made-to-order Aishwariya-Rai-looking-cooks-&-cleans-highly-educated-serve-the-husband-"haan-ji" wife. The annoying thing about all of this, is that most Indian women have held out on finding their ideal Indian man for so long (while most guys nowadays are forever playing their options - US & everyone who is non-Indian - & they have infinite back-up options), but had we considered guys outside of our culture, we would have been snatched up a long time ago.


One of the biggest annoying things with us as Indians is our perceptions of age & how a female somehow becomes "less desirable" goods after a certain age. It is definitely a cultural thing, b/c I've talked to both my non-desi guy & girl friends & they think that I'm a crazy person when I talk about the "old maid @ 30" phenomenon & that according to my parents & everyone else in my community, I should have been married with 2 kids - at least one - by now. I have had many a white guy friend tell me "SmileMoon, the second you tell me to, I can line up 10 great guys - the really good kind who you are attracted to & would treat you amazingly." & although I have dated a non-Indian guy & still say I'm "open" to marrying a non-Indian, I'd be lying if I said I still wasn't holding out hope for my right Desi guy. Well, I hope that the New Year brings me (& my female counterparts in the same boat) a changed perspective... that is not a diss to the desi boys, but because when it comes to "options" the odds are DEFINITELY in their favor, why not at least expand our horizons a bit & start skewing the odds slightly in our favor as well...?


Oh, & I really hope that men (& women, but mostly men) out there understand that the beauty of being human is that we are not 100% driven by our animal instincts, DNA, biology or whatever you want to call it & those factors are not an excuse for rationalizing behavior (as people are now doing for Tiger Woods) as "that's just the way we men are..." What makes us different than animals is that we have feelings & get to make choices based on them every day... we choose to... care about someone... stay faithful... follow rules & norms of society. Doing all of that takes character & personal responsibility, & I think that's where so many people are the most challenged nowadays.


Well, now you see why I couldn't have posted a comment in the discussion... I'll end by saying thank you to Vijay Uncle... As you know, I've been poked fun at ever since I've met you for "my uncle obsession" or whatever else people like to call it, but I can take it. You inspired me to write this blog & have given me a lot of perspective on what is important to me as a person (specifically when it came to whether I should continue writing this blog & you said something along these lines "SmileMoon, would you be with someone who is so fearful of judgment or persecution & with whom you couldn't be your true self?" You were right, I wouldn't. More than anything, I believe that what you are doing is SO important. & on that note, the next thing I'd love to see you/me/someone doing is to start gearing programs towards the young-to-mid 20 somethings & not just the late-20-&-30-something who are already in these situations. Instead of treating the problem (which is still important), I say we focus more on prevention of the disease...


Well, as you can all tell (since I never write back-to-back), the Facebook thread on Uncle's page got to me, but I feel better now :)


Ok, enjoy the weekend... Write Soon ~ SmileMoon


p.s. - I'd also be curious to hear how guys rank the below items that Vijay Uncle had asked for feedback on (assuming that all other qualities are the same):

1. Your attitude and innocence, optimism, flexibility etc.
2. The age you look
3. The age on your birth certificate

Whacked out values...

So I mentioned how our values are completely out of whack in the last post, & I wanted to elaborate....  For this topic, it's probably easiest for me to talk about myself, but please let me be clear...  I am no Mother Teresa, who has never done, said or thought a less than holy thing in her life, so I never intend to come across as one.  I've met a lot of phenomenal people in my life who I aspire to be like in many ways, but I have yet to ever meet anyone in the saintly-perfect category; & I'm sorry to break this to anyone who thinks you know, are married/related to, bff's with someone or are in that category yourself, but even the very best person you know has done something not-so-nice to someone, made fun of people, broken someone's heart, complained, gossiped or done something less than holy & noble.  Therefore, I try (key word, try) my best not to judge unless someone's values/character are really out of whack (or unless you are just so god awfully rude or annoying! :-P)

On the judgment note, I'm also not someone who does well with hypocrisy which I think is rampant in the desi community... you know, people who talk about seva & giving, but are stingy & selfish or don't do anything that involves helping others unless there's an audience or a tax-deduction... or people who pass judgment on anyone who does any of the following - drinks, smokes, hooks-up, eats meat/beef, etc. - but they do/ have done one or some combination of the aforementioned (whether it be once or a million times); I just love the hardcore judgmental-type religious non-beef eaters with their leather sofas, belts & shoes.... "I'm not eating it but it's okay if Mr. Cow loses his life for my Kenneth Coles."  Ri-iiight, 'cuz that makes sense.  I personally don't think what you do or do not eat/drink, how many people you have or have not hooked up with, your refraining from or partaking in smoking, whether you go to temple never or frequently, or anything along those lines makes anyone a good or bad person (& on a random side note, I'm sorry, but if you are one of the few severely whacked out people that still believes in the caste system here in AMERICA, you should likely move back to the motherland & preferably another planet...) - those all are personal lifestyle choices & don't necessarily speak to who you actually are as a person.  The thing is that when it comes down to it, considering that no one is in the saintly category, all of us regular human beings naturally rationalize & justify all of our behaviors/actions to ourselves and those close to us so that we can sleepy easy at the end of the day 

That whole loooong tangent was to make the point that SmileMoon does not think she is a saint b/c I am pretty sure someone would anonymously call me out on it if I pretended to be!  Sainthood aside & whilst being a regular human being (I've never used the word "whilst" before - probably didn't use it correctly! :-P), I do know what I value - what's important to me in the big picture of life & what kind of person I am.  As for the latter, I'd like to think I'm a decent person if not slightly better than decent & as for what I value, more than anything it is... my time & relationships.  This might stem from being a very idealistic person, but I know that for the most part, I am not motivated by a lot of things that I find typically motivate a lot of other people - especially South Asians.  Well, let's just jump right in...

Time - Time has always been something that I have been hyper-aware of & the fact that it is limited... I therefore live with a "life is precious because it ends" mentality.  For as long as I can remember, I have taken pause, reflected on my life & how I'm spending my time when individuals that I (or someone) knew passed too suddenly, family/friends have been sick, & those other world moments that deeply effected all of us other whether we were directly effected or not (like 9/11, the Tsunami, Katrina, etc).   No, this does not make me a morbid or pessimistic person; if you know me, you know I'm the opposite.  However, what it does make me is very appreciative of & grateful for what I have in life; I am always taking stock of what I have been blessed with & am forever making sure that the people in my life who are important to me know it now, b/c none of us are guaranteed a tomorrow (I live by the Anna Cummins quote "Do not save your loving speeches for your friends till they are dead.  Do not write them on their tombstones, speak them rather now instead."  My poor friends are forever having to deal with my random gush/sap-fests (Love you all for putting up with me! :-D)

I've also done what some would think are crazy & scary things like jump off a 50-foot cliff into the ocean in Jamaica (ok, that actually was crazy b/c I can't tread water & almost drowned - yes, I am a special person - Thanks Mr. Big Jamaican hero-man for the rescue!! :-P), white-water rafting & sky-diving b/c I love feeling alive & challenging myself to do something that scares me to death.  For those of you know me well, I also say "Yes" to a ton of social things b/c more than anything else, I love being around my friends (& family, who I am flying home to see every chance I can) & time spent with them is more valuable to me than anything else.  I try my hardest not to live in the past (more on this in the soon-to-come "I don't do gray" posting) & I would say for the most part , I don't get caught up in worrying about the future either; I'm an easy-going person with an "enjoy life" mentality who has a general "it will all work out" kind of attitude, & I'm sure to some people all of the above is irresponsible, immature or something along those lines, but again, for those who know me, I am none of those things.

Relationships - Relationships are completely tied into my perspective on time.  I'm always in awe of people who sacrifice their quality of life/the relationships they have (or could be in) for the sake of their careers; most would say that they are hard-working & okay, sure they are.  The thing is while taking the time thing into consideration & knowing that this is our one shot at this one life, how many of us are actually going to look back at our lives on our lasts day here & say "Oh, I'm so glad I spent 3-4 decades of my life in school, worked 80 hours a week, made a boat load of money, became VP of a company while missing out on... being in a fulfilling relationship/marriage, watching my kids grow up, enjoying life, etc.."  Why do we invest so more time & effort into our professional success but when it comes to relationships so many of us are half-a$$ about them or are simply oblivious as to what it takes to make one really work?


On this topic, I really think desi parents jacked it up for us big time b/c for the most part, they equated having a good life with having a successful career... financial security (preferably lots of $$$)... & status.  My parents also did this to some extent (sans the status part) which is understandable - when you come to a foreign country with $8 in your pocket, naturally placing a lot of value on financial success makes sense.  The thing is that my parents - through how they treated other people or the situations, people & experiences they exposed us to - taught me & my brother that the people in our lives matter more than anything else (more on this for soon-to-be or existing parents with still-young children)


Now please don't think I'm naive here; $$$ is great (Oh! I just thought of this great Adam Sandler quote from The Wedding Singer when he's interviewing for a job at a bank:  "No, sir, I have no experience but I'm a big fan of money. I like it, I use it, I have a little. I keep it in a jar on top of my refrigerator. I'd like to put more in that jar. That's where you come in." Ha... I love that movie)  Sorry, I digress... where was I...?  Oh yeah, I love nice things and experiences just like the next person; it's just that they aren't the end-all-be-all for me.  No one has ever impressed me because of what they do, how nice their house/car/said bling is or how much they make; instead, I get impressed by people who have great character (especially those who are humble & down to earth in spite of their rolling in it!), strong relationships and some kind of passion (whether it be saving the world, making other people laugh, music, cooking, dancing, living up life - anything!).

On the relationship-value-being-jacked-up-front, I think a lot of Desi girls are majorly twisted... faaaar too many are in pursuit of a doctor/lawyer/uber-wealthy husband...  sadly, too many are willing to compromise on a fulfilling relationship & have passed up many a great guy in an order to have Mr. Desi Perfect Check Mark Man.  & waaay too many guys out there who make a whole lot of $$$ only have that going for them & that's not a problem, b/c, like moths to a flame, the ladies will come without much effort on their part.  It goes something like this... "Doctor?  "Call me-eee"  Surgeon? (As she breaks out into song)... "Take me to the mandap in my red dress!"  True story :-D  To make another reference to that oh-so-fun Jagged Edge song... "we ain't getting no younger," so we need to get our priorities straight & figure out what's really important to us... 

I'm in NO way saying "settle" or be with someone with whom you don't have a strong connection with & attraction to, but don't pass up the strong connection (great conversation, laughter, etc.) b/c a certain superficial or not-so-important element is not there & don't stay in something that your gut instinct tells you is wrong or un-fulfilling just because it looks so right on paper.  Remember, you can marry Mr. DPCMM-doctor/lawyer/rolling in the $$$'s guy, but one day say he loses his job, his practice closes, or god forbid,  something else happens & all of a sudden he is not Mr. Money Bags.  Now what...?  Life is long & do you really want to spend it with just a hefty paycheck...?

Well, that's all for me today.  I hope everyone is enjoying the holidays (I love this time of the year although I'm putting myself on an emotional roller coaster having "All I want for Christmas" & "Christmas Shoes" on the same playlist! :-P) & I'll definitely be writing again before the end of the year.


2 more quotes for thought below... FYI, my mom used to type me up a different quote every day & put it in my lunch box/bag growing up & as a result, I'm a huuuuge fan.  I've been slow with using them so far & I'm sorry for the overload today, but they have always been so wonderful at giving me perspective & inspiration, & I hope that they do the same for you.


Write soon ~ SmileMoon :)


"Tell me who admires and loves you and I will tell you who you are." (Charles Augustine Sainte-Beuve)


"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."   (Maya Angelou)