** The Great (Desi) AGE Debate **

I wasn't going to write a new post, but after some the recent comments in the 170+ comment thread from the last posting, I felt so compelled.  Now I'm just hoping I can knock this one out quickly & a discussion (I'm sure a lively one) can then take place; knowing me & considering I haven't written a post in a while, I won't be able to :-P 

First off, just in case anyone missed it in a previous posting or does not know me personally, I am (begin scary Jaws-type music).... 30.  *Sighs*, "boo's" & "oh, poor her's" to follow.  Naturally, being in the dreaded big 30-something category & single, my perspective will seem skewed on this topic, but I can say that as cliche as this saying is, that I have honestly felt this way my whole life... that age IS just a number.

The only thing that feels any different to me about being "in my 30's" is a now blatant & disturbing awareness that I am frequently being screened out by guys who might be interested/potential prospects due to my age.  Being a 30-year old desi female is such an interesting phenomenon & you really have to BE one (or have a sister/cousin/relative in the same boat) to understand it.  The 2 biggest things that are a part of the above-mentioned awareness that I had never felt before is an air of desperation that supposedly all of us 30-somethings have as well as our "expiring ovum."  I remember when I first heard Vijay Uncle use this phrase, I was horrified (sorry Uncle, I know you're a doctor & that everyone talks to you about everything, but I've still nonetheless been horrified on multiple occasions b/c in spite of how cool you are, you are still an Uncle!  :-P); however, since then, it's been brought up so much in conversation that it's really become commonplace for me like "Hey, how's it going?  How're your ovum today??  Healthy?  Oh, wonderful..."

I have been in multiple small intimate group settings, where the topic of dating comes up & really intelligent, seemingly wonderful & sweet guys 31+ say (very aware of their audience), "Yeah, I won't date anyone older than 27.....  I want to enjoy being married, don't want to have babies right away...  I want to have lots of kids so I want to have time to do that & not pop them out every year."  On top of that, after many of the below comments (& so many more conversations around this topic), I am officially convinced that a vast majority of desi men view their potential partner primarily as in incubator to his future spawn (hopefully boys!).  I really think that without me having to say too much, the comments do completely speak to the issue at hand.

From Blog post dated 12/12/09:    The message reads as follows:  "Hi Vijay Uncle, Just wanted to give you my $.02. No guy will say this with his name attached, but age is quite important to many of us. Yes, how they look and take care of themselves are key...  but, the age of "35" looms over many of us.  The statistics on childbirth scare many, and the push to marry someone younger is partially due to that number.   As well, most men simply prefer younger women, all other things equal. This would piss off, or hurt many of them who are looking...so many of us just don't want to publicize it on FB."

SM's reply:  Oh wow.  Honestly, I wasn't sure where to begin & seriously, I'm not upset at the age part of what he is saying.  I understand that this is a consideration for men or at least for those who want to have kids one day, but I hope that EVERYONE is looking for a partner to be more than just the father/mother to their possible future children (or anything else like a paycheck, as a lot of men feel that they are to desi women), b/c you know what... you could pass up someone not in your "ideal age range" who you connect with tremendously (& who, unbeknownst to you, is actually as fertile as britney spears - FYI, conception chances decline & do not STOP as we age & men are effected as well) & end up with someone far younger thinking that relationship would be more ideal... only to find out that she has fertility problems (I think the stat is that 1 in every 7 women do) or shoot, that YOU do! ...or to the ladies, Mr. Money Bags loses his balleriffic job & you can no longer make your mortgage or buy your LV bags. Now what?

Ah, these were fun times....  It was when the blog first caused a stir in "Getting her # but not calling it." (1/12/10)  For those of you who remember, that was the official beginning of the SM-directed "hateration."  & I'm posting this comment to show an underlying evilness in the desi community (which is a bigger concern of mine than anything else):  From an Anonymous poster:  "I assume from the long posts that you neither have a job nor gym membership.  This probably explains why noone has committed to you.  Tick tock... there goes the marriage clock.

From the comment thread from "The Comment That Got Its Very Own Blog Posting." (Posted 2/9/10)

Confused Woman:  Apparently studies have shown that men live longer and lead healthier lives if they are married where as it's the opposite for a woman. Why do woman feel such a pressure to settle down? Sure we have a biological clock, but so do men. Maybe they have 3-4 more years than us, but research has shown that a man in his late 30s is more likely to have children with genetic disorders. The other point I want to make is, it's better to be happily married than it is to beat the clock. If you can't have a kid, then adopt one. I read that article uncle posted and these points stand out to me the most:  "And as Elizabeth Gilbert points out in Committed, married women are more likely to suffer from depression than singletons. Marcus Buckingham, writing about women's happiness in the Huffington Post, notes, "Women's happiness with their marriage sinks below men's at age 39."  .....   "According to the most recent CDC data, for women, "higher age of marriage is associated with lower probability of marital disruption." If you want a healthy marriage, the cultural pressure to wait only helps." - http://www.slate.com/id/2243179/

A male poster in that same thread (& I think these are all from the same person):  "I see a lot of recommendations to date younger men. But as a guy, I have to warn you that it carries a bit of risk. As it is, men can delay marriage later than women. If you date a younger guy, the chances are higher that he won't be ready for marriage, or that he is just dating because you are Ms. Right Now and not Ms. Right. And that could get you emotionally stuck in a go-nowhere relationship. Of course, every guy is different. But a cold eyed realistic man could think, "Well if this beautiful, succesful, interested girl is older than me and still single, then what's the rush? When I'm older, there will be other beautiful, successful single girls out there, AND THEY WILL BE YOUNGER THAN ME!!!" So from a purely logical perspective, there is no reason for him not to wait. But I'm not accounting for love. So I guess you never know..."

"Again, I disagree with Vijay Uncle. Age probably matters more to men as they get older, not less. Because men after 30 are more serious about getting married and having children. When we are in our 20's, the pressure to have children is not there. We can marry a 28 year old woman at age 25 - what's the big deal? But a 32 year old man will think twice about marrying a 35 year old woman. For reasons you yourself have mentioned - the expiration date on ova. Although with modern in-vitro testing and fertility technologies, this is becoming less of an issue. I think Smilemoon might find a different milleu dating 30-something men who are younger than her as she progresses into her 30's than when she was in her 20's dating a 3 year younger man. I could be wrong. I am only expressing my opinion and what I have observed talking to my guy friends. Of note, I do have a late 30-something friend who doesn't mind dating older women in principle, but I don't pay attention to anything he says - because he's in his late 30's and still single. So obviously, he is a ridiculously picky guy."

Then a comment thread on Vijay Uncle's FB page that I definitely had a reaction to...  First, Vijay Uncle's response to a wall post from AP about women having healthy babies well into their 50's:  "What is so confounding is that our highly educated men take an isolated fact or statement and make it a deal breaker. They are not able to weigh the relative impact of it in big scheme of things.  Woman over 35 - overwhelming chance of Down's syndrome or women over 40 - no chance of having a baby etc. are good examples.  While I would not ignore the concern just as I am concerned about traveling by air post 9/11. I would still urge them to look at the total package and make up your mind.  What they do not factor is that if they wait another 2 -5 years their probability of facing the same risk is going to increase.  While there has been too much focus on maternal age there is also issues related to paternal age.

From poster JV:  Vijay Uncle, o.k. you mentioned the stats on Down's syndrome. But what about miscarriage? What about gestational diabetes? What about pregnancy induced hypertension? Premature birth? Stillbirth? Placental problems, and so on. I'm all for empowering older women, but I have issues with labeling a guy a "typical narrow-minded desi guy" just because they may state an age preference. Maybe you think it is easy to overblow these numbers, but one can also say that if I guy does take a concern over the potential health of his chilld, just maybe, that he possesses the qualities that would make a good father? Would you like it if your father played Russian roulette with your life, and retroactively gave you a 1/200 chance of having Down Syndrome? not a very good father, right? so just maybe a guy who doesn't want to take that chance (however small it may be) with his potential children, has the traits of becoming a good father, and isn't necessarily a "narrow minded desi".

Vijay Uncle:  thanks for your input. You are correct the risk does go up - however slightly - and you make a point that as a dad it is your duty to guard against any such probability.  Do you propose we put the prospective bride and groom through a complete evaluation to decide if any condition that may increase the risk? Maybe 

we need to make sure that she is not sterile due to endometriosis or ovarian cysts? Or may be the guy is not having some problem that prevents him from fathering a child? Should we do a DNA mapping? Should we check out all blood relatives to assess the risks?  And judging from your reasoning I admit there may be a subset of men and women who may see it that way.  However, I think there are simply too many attributes of a person that in big scheme of things the risk may be a factor in total picture but not a very prominent one.  By the way, my son was born with Spina Bifida at the level of T 10 and severe hydrocephalus. As much as I would have never wanted to be in this position, I learned a valuable lesson - in life you cannot control circumstances but you can control how you deal with it. I do know a little bit about being a father in challenging circumstances.  People who are too anal about 'never to be in such a situation' may start looking for someone to blame in such circumstances instead of putting themselves to gather and facing the situation.

My response:  Uncle that was PERFECTLY said.  JV, i don't know you so please don't take my opinion the wrong way, but i personally believe what makes someone a great father/mother/human being is not the avoidance of all less-than-perfect possiblities in life, but handling those at-the-time-situations with grace, dignity & courage. when i read your comment, my reply was going to be exactly what vijay uncle said in his 2nd paragraph. is that what you propose? will you avoid dating/marrying the girl whose family member had cancer? or should a girl pass up a guy b/c his father died of a heart attack at age 50 & her mom has diabetes & high BP? to add to vijay uncle's story, my parents were married by the age of 21/22, & it took them EIGHT years to have my brother, & then 3 years later, at the desi-considered-old-age of 33, they had a very healthy ME.  was the big delay b/c of my mom or b/c of my dad?  who knows & who cares?  LIFE - whether it be someone in their 20's, with all the DNA testing in the world, or a perfectly clear family history - in any aspect is never guaranteed to play out the way we necessarily hope or would prefer, & the only thing that i would personally avoid is someone who was so fearful of a less than sunshine-and-roses-filled future." 

I think (hope) all of the above will definitely get a conversation going.  & again, for those of you who are screening in & out due to age (& who also apparently think you have infinite options & frequently find yourself having amazing connections with multiple people), please consider the personal stories that Vijay Uncle & I shared as well as 2 other scenarios right below & the many infinite possibilities that life can present (copied from the posting called, "Reality Check")

• Infertility issues - male or female-related; it goes both ways people & is there no meaning to our relationship or our lives if we don't have our own kids?  Is it the loving of children that matters & has significance or simply the having of them?  I always give the example of my parents above b/c their parents likely would have put the kabash on the 2 of them getting together irrespective of everything "lining up" had some panditji told them "you will not be blessed with a baby for 8 years."  Sure, things worked out "ideally" - a boy & a girl - but there that's a whole lot of years when they thought they were not going to have kids.
• You're the only boy on your dad's side.  You have a super cool last name (like "Moon!" :-P).  You're married & you have kids.  3 girls (do keep in mind that it's entirely your biology that determines the sex of your bache).  Now what?

From Reality Check:  REAL life:  This scenario plays out a bit differently (this is not to be morbid or depressing, but these things are a reality for many if not all married couples at some point in their lives in spite of how outwardly happy or perfect they may seem)... "we were so in love but everything changed after we got married"... family drama, fertility issues (men, just a kind reminder, this one can be due to the anatomy of your 20-40 something wife, but b/c of yours as well - if the concept is lost on you, here you go - http://www.docshop.com/education/fertility/causes/male/), but then your formerly oh-so-sexy-thong-wearing wife gains 30 lbs afterwards that she never loses in spite of her best efforts (or we all know the equally attractive "uncle belly")... you have your 2 kids & now your whole world is turned upside down (sex?  sleep?  exercising?  more like hugs, naps, & weight lifting consists of carrying your kids around 50+ times a day)....  your oh-so-successful (& thus uber sexy) husband loses his balleriffic job & is unemployed for 2 years... financial issues... mortgages & foreclosures... having to move unexpectedly from your family & friends for a partner's job... the last time you traveled was your honeymoon... life's infinite challenges with your grown kids (all conversations starting with "Mom-Dad, I have something to tell you..."), managing the health issues of your parents/passing of our parents... managing your own health issues... erectile  dysfunction/cancer/diabetes/depression/heart attacks/strokes & their aftermath..."

Now look at the person you are with or considering being with, & think "Hmm... is this the person I want to be with through life posing any or all of the above?"

The comment that got its very own blog response...

(Sorry for the whacky spacing - this happens from time to time; it makes me nutty & I always do everything I can to try fix it to no avail).


Alright, so this is a first.  If you haven't read my previous post, "REALITY CHECK," that will give you more insight to how this all came about.  After reading that post, a commenter posted a comment that resulted in its very own blog posting response. Here is how it all transpired... 


February 9, 2010 - Anonymous 7 pm:


"Hi Smilemoon,


I don't know many desi singles in the small town I live in but I'm soon moving to Boston and I had a couple of questions as I'm very oblivious to the desi dating scene in big cities(your blog has been tremendously helpful in providing me some insight, thank you). Hopefully, you or the visitors on this blog can clear up some puzzling questions I have.

1. Are desi guys in their late 20's and early 30's serious about marriage?
2. Do desi guys expect their wife to be 'pure' when they get married? What about the other way around?
3. Do most desi girls have sex (with the one they want to marry) before marriage or hold off until after they're married?
4. Are desi guys controlling and abusive?
5. Do they hold traditional views when it comes to the role the wife and the husband should play within a marriage?

I'd really appreciate any insight I can get. Thank you."



Vijay Uncle:


Hello Anonymous at 7 PM, while you are waiting for Smile moon to answer let me tell you what I have found

1. Desi guys in late 20's and early 30's are 'by and large' not too concerned about getting married. They feel there are enough choices out there so some perfect woman is going to come by. Many of them think why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?
2. At one of the youth convention (200+) I spoke and at Net IP (500+) I asked the audience directly, how many of you want a virgin wife and not a single hand went up. Of course I think there were about 10% or so who might have waned to say 'yes' but felt too embarrassed to speak up.
3.  I think vast majority of Desi women have had sex prior to marriage.
4.  Both desi guys and gals are controlling - obsessive - and abusive. In my generation that honor mainly went to men now with equal rights of women situation is lot more complicated.
5.  Role of wife and husband varies from one group to the other. In some very orthodox family and if the grooms parents are living with them there is a lot of pressure on woman to play traditional role.
Good luck with your social life in Boston. It is a dog eat dog world out there.


SmileMoon:


oh wow, that's what i call "the secret" phenomenon - ask the universe/will it to be true - & you shall receive. i thought to myself "universe (actually, "hai ram" - not b/c i'm religious but in a *gulp*, omg, please don't make me answer this kind of way), please let vijay uncle take this one." & without my ever having to ask him, he did. thanks universe (& uncle) :-D

i can definitely say though that i 100% agree with uncle on everything he said. being desi in america is a very interesting phenomenon... the vast majority of us were born & raised here, experienced liking boys/girls when others did (in our TEENS - like ALL people in this universe pretty much do), things like going to prom, the undergrad experience & dating since then in a completely (if not very closely) in-line way as our non-desi counterparts. however, i can't imagine that a 20-30-something old white girl would ever have to ask questions #2-5.

like i've said before, this is the challenge with our desi expectations of getting what our parents got back in the day from their arranged marriages (2 "pure" partners who line up with each other in every cultural, religious & other category) co-existing with our present day desire to FALL in love & not be forced into a marriage.

more in a second..."


Well, to no one's surprise, I had SO much more to say that the system REJECTED my next way-too-long comment!  :-D  Please see below...


Ok, this is a A LOT more (i should have probably made this a blog...)  now to address some of the specific questions which by doing so, i'm sure i will probably say too much by all desi standards... god seriously bless me & my gosh darned "krantikari" (revolutionary) spirit as my mom calls it (she's swears i was "jhansi ki rani" in my previous life! :-P)


1) i hate to generalize (don't get me wrong, i do it all the time, but i really DO hate it), but YES, uncle is right on this one.  for desi men in their 20's & 30's, time is infinite (the whole "they, TOO, are 'expiring'" concept is completely lost on most), as are their options of desi women.  like i've said before, as desi women near their 4th decade of life & proceed in it, their (desi male) options decrease & this works in the opposite way for desi men.  & yes... that does make you have to wonder why then are so many desi men are so single & struggling to meet someone...???


2-3)  "purity"/"innocence"/"good/bad" by any standard (in MY opinion) - whether it be for eating meat (or wearing it), drinking alcohol, smoking pot/cigarettes, cursing or intimacy (of any kind) - is a whole lot of BS & it is people - who either believe they are slightly "more pure (better)" than someone else by some standard or those who AREN'T "pure (better) at all" who live by a DOUBLE standard - are the ones making these judgments.


i also have a serious consideration for that 10% that uncle is probably right exists but wouldn't admit to it.  like i've mentioned before i know 10+ born-&-raised-here guys who've gone to india to find wives. i imagine that in addition to possibly being jerked around by many desi girls here (as one person suggested was the reason guys go abroad), that one reason is also definitely this whole "purity" thing.  however, from the big cities in india to the straight up GAOS (villages), people - including the girls - are not as "pure" as you might think (side note, for all you bollywood movie watchers, let's not forget basically every preity zinta movie - from kya kehna to salaam namaste - where she gets knocked up pre-marriage; in-india life is not as far removed from in-america life as many would like to believe).  & here's the BIG question - what makes someone "pure" or a virgin?  a person TELLING you that they are...? hmm... now i don't think i'm much of a smartie by any means, but i'd say that "i swear..." is far from a guarantee on anything...


4)  i've never experienced this so can't attest to it.  i would never date someone who exuded any of those characteristics, which i honestly believe don't all of a sudden come out once you're in a relationship or post-marriage.  those qualities are there & i think too many women turn a blind eye to them or think they can "love those qualities away."  i do, however, think that for the most part a good majority of both desi men & women have completely out-of-this-world expectations for what "the right person/marriage/life" should look like.  in general, as desi people, we live by & for the perceptions of others & give SO much importance to things like status & wealth, that core CHARACTER traits are so often lost in the mix.  sad, but true.


5)  i think cha-cha (1st comment) really addressed this one the best.  however, if you have ever heard of (oh, or i hear even more fun, experienced!) "desi momma's boy" phenomenon (mom thinks son is GOD.  son buys into it) & then mix that in with the present day expectations of women that guys have that include visuals of megan fox & even the recently bikini-wearing rani mukherjee, well, i think it would be an understatement to say that a vast majority of desi men are looking for what their moms provided to their fathers & families (obedient wives who cook, clean, mind the household & the bache), PLUS she should also be career-oriented, brilliant, fit, sexy, well-traveled, charming, wild in bed, etc. etc.


i know far too many AMAZING desi women who feel wildly insufficient to meet the standards of desi men.  & yes, sure, i'm sure that works in the opposite direction as well; however, i think it's fair to say that it works disproportionately so.


anyway, thank you 7 pm for your questions.  oh, & can someone please remind me to call my mom tomorrow??  the funny thing is that she - in spite of definitely thinking of my brother as RAM BHAGVAN reincarnate - never did so in a way that confused him into actually believing he was.  go mommy & go bro. :-D


* * * * * * *
THAT was my "comment" in its entirety.  I know, "my god."  I'm sure this one will generate many comments of its own & I hope it does.  Please keep in mind though that I'm not blogging to be different or racy; I'm blogging b/c there is a SITUATION - not a fist pumping one, but a REAL one - going on with our desi community in regards to dating/finding the "one/marriage - THE WHOLE BIT.


No, this is not a threat (well, ok, yes, it kind of is), but the second that it gets nasty, inappropriate or wildly off topic, I will (as I indicated in previous posts & per the request of readers) just start deleting.  That's not for my sake (b/c I can take all the @ SM comments & supposed "concern" for my future dating possibilities that Anonymous folks throw my way), but it is for the sake of those people who actually look to the blog as a resource for information/insight/introspection.  I seriously feel like a kindergarten teacher saying this (& there probably IS a kindergarten teacher in me along w/ my "revolutionary" self), but EVERYTHING can be said kindly & without name callling.  Thank you for playing nicely.  :-D


Write soon ~ SmileMoon

** REALITY CHECK **

A perfect life:  Two people fall madly in love, get married, have 2 kids, a beautiful home, are successful in their personal & professional lives, travel the world... enjoy life, are happy, healthy & worry-free... they grow old together... everything plays out like a fairy tale until the one day they proceed to the afterlife together embracing each other in their "Notebook"-type ending (sans the Alzheimers).


REAL life:  This scenario kicks off the same way, but plays out a bit differently (this is not to be morbid or depressing, but these things are a reality for many if not all married couples at some point in their lives in spite of how outwardly happy or perfect they may seem)... "we were so in love but everything changed after we got married"... family drama, fertility issues (men, just a kind reminder, this one can be due to the anatomy of your 20-40 something wife, but b/c of yours as well - if the concept is lost on you, here you go - http://www.docshop.com/education/fertility/causes/male/), but then your formerly oh-so-sexy-thong-wearing wife gains 30 lbs afterwards that she never loses in spite of her best efforts (or we all know the equally attractive "uncle belly")... you have your 2 kids & now your whole world is turned upside down (sex?  sleep?  exercising?  more like hugs, naps, & weight lifting consists of carrying your kids around 50+ times a day)....  your oh-so-successful (& thus uber sexy) husband loses his balleriffic job & is unemployed for 2 years... financial issues... mortgages & foreclosures... having to move unexpectedly from your family & friends for a partner's job... the last time you traveled was your honeymoon... life's infinite challenges with your grown kids (all conversations starting with "Mom-Dad, I have something to tell you..."), managing the health issues of your parents/passing of our parents... managing your own health issues... erectile dysfunction/cancer/diabetes/depression/heart attacks/strokes & their aftermath...

That's the short list of some of the real life things that can happen over the course of a couple's married life, & I think it's important to reflect upon not to induce panic and scare people away from marriage, but because I believe that our generation has it quite twisted when it comes to what we are looking for in our future life partner.  We get so caught up in the "OMG/WOW feeling" (how "amazing he/she is," how happy we are, how great it all feels) & curb-appeal factors as Vijay Uncle calls them that we often don't think of what a LIFE (complete with all its challenges) would be like with the person we're falling head over heels with.  We don't ask ourselves is he/she the person we will still be so in love with (& vice-versa) in spite of & through all of the above & the then some that life often throws our way. When I say "we," I mean myself included, b/c in spite of what I inherently believe, I've certainly been distracted along the way.

& that bring us to today's disclaimer!  I'm pretty sure I've said this particular one before so please forgive me for the repetition, but saying this will hopefully prevent the potential backlash.  So, here's the thing... I think I'm a decent if not most times a better-than-decent person; I'd like to even think I'm even a good person, but I am not perfect.  I am no Mother Teresa who has never complained, hurt someone's feelings, judged/made fun of someone or something, made any bad choices in my life or whose whole only life purpose is to "save the world."  I'm saying that so as not to start the directed-at-SmileMoon-hateration (people who've called me out on my use of this word, yes, it is not a real word; it's borrowed from MJ Blige & it works!), but so that we can all pause, think upon ourselves & understand that we are ALL in this imperfect and simply HUMAN boat together.

I also say that because there are so many people out there who have wildly skewed perceptions of themselves & especially those who fit the bill of meeting "check mark criteria."  We've all had check mark guys & girls that we've been interested in or have been interested in us, but we often realize that there's nothing under the surface - limited to no personality, sense of humor, interests or passions, or real character.  If it really was all about "just check marks," these people wouldn't still be single, and thankfully, a lot of people out there are looking for more than that

Now here's an exercise for everyone... Think of the couple you admire the most & would one day wish to emulate when it comes to their relationship... Is it the best looking, most outwardly put together & successful couple with their "sexy" lives, lined up check mark criteria (i.e. - Guju-Guju, Doctor-Lawyer, 6'1"-5'8"...) and grand gestures of love that comes to mind or the possibly more subtle couple where both partners genuinely respect, care for, admire, appreciate, enjoy and love each other.  That's not to say that the former couple I described couldn't or wouldn't have the latter characteristics or that the latter couple is unattractive, unsuccessful or anything along those lines, but I think you know what I'm trying to say.  I don't know many people who truly admire couples b/c of outward characteristics or in line check mark criteria... we admire them for who they are and how they are to each other.

Now we all know what good character is, how  "really good people" make us feel, and what strong character would look like in terms of a marriage that was faced with any of the above mentioned real-life challenges, so I'm not going to spell it out for you.  This post was simply something to think about & if nothing else was a reminder for me to stay the course... like I said, in spite of knowing better, I've definitely gotten caught up in the curb-appeal guys, or the ones who are so entertaining & "always makes me laugh", or who I have "everything in common with" and says all the right things, only to realize (thankfully, usually very soon) that in spite of being so appealing, their actions don't line up with their words which really turn out to be empty flattery, they are selfish & often only interested in me not for who I am but b/c of how they perceive me physically (that's not a self-compliment; everyone has had people attracted to them, so you know what I mean), would never treat me the way that I deserve to be treated & that ultimately, a real marriage with someone like that would never be fulfilling or successful

On that note, I hope everyone thinks about the kind of people they generally gravitate towards and why things usually don't ever get off the ground or don't end up lasting with that kind of person.  Or are you in a situation where you "know better" but are rationalizing and justifying someone being in your life for the sake of making it work or not being alone...?  If your now boyf-girlf didn't have all their appeal factors, would you still be so in love with who they are as a person...?  We all know this, but looks & appeal will fade, but character lasts a lifetime*...

With that said, I want to make a request to the real life couples out there - engaged or married (especially married for some time) - on anything that goes with the above "reality check"... how your partner's character motivated you to spend the rest of your life with them, how in spite of a challenge, your relationship grew stronger & anything along those lines.  You can write me anonymously or if you write me non-anonymously, if I use anything you write it will be without revealing who you are in the blog or to anyone else.  I say, ok sure, let's forget Holly/Bolly-wood stories and let's get some real life inspiration on how this whole "marriage/life partner" thing is actually supposed to work out.

As always, thanks for reading & write soon ~ SmileMoon (smilemoonblog@gmail.com or if you know me on Facebook, you can write me there).

* - All of the above was not me saying that you should go for the really great person who you are simply not attracted to.  If you can consider the possibility or if someone can "grow on you" physically, that's great, but if not, I don't think that's wrong, because fundamentally, I don't believe that a relationship (one in which for most people, they desire to make babies) works without that attraction.  However, I do agree with Vijay Uncle that we're all not going to end up with "10's" when it comes to looks (& often the "10's" in looks quite frankly suck as human beings), so maybe all us non-10's still seeking Jon Abraham & Aishwariya... maybe we should cast our nets a little wider... & if nothing else, take a hard look in the mirror (& possibly get some outside opinions) on where exactly on the looks scale we all fall.

One more thing on that... Guys, I understand that you generally want someone better looking than you (that's fine & I'll even pass that off to being something biological rather than ego-related); however, I believe that too many of you want that in such a wildly disproportionate & skewed way compared to the ladies out there who have a much more practical perception of themselves, who they can get, & who they ultimately seek based on that.  Just something to think about... :)

We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly. - Anonymous

SmileMoon meets a Matchmaker...

About 2 months ago, one of my close girlfriends was telling me and several other girlfriends about a matchmaker she had met who she "thought was really amazing" and was encouraging us to get in touch with.  I smiled, nodded & said "oh yeah, that sounds great," took her business card only to, of course, never look at it again.  I stumbled upon that business card a few weeks later & thought "SmileMoon, if not for yourself, you should at least look into this for research purposes."  I then reached out to the matchmaker, Bela Gandhi, and within a few days we met for the first time at NetIP Chitown's Recruitment Night.  

To say that Bela was not what I expected would be an understatement.  First off (& she doesn't know this), when I initially met Bela I couldn't hear her name properly when we were introduced, so I thought she was "one of us" (you know... the mostly singles who go to these events to "network" & not married for 10+ years with 2 kids...  side note:  NetIP, I am not poking fun at the organization or its efforts at all, but I think we'd all agree that if it weren't for all the single people out there, membership & participation would be sparse).  Within a few minutes, I realized that "ohhhh, that's BELA!" and soon after, several friends (even a pair of my engaged friends who thought she was fabulous!) & I had at-length conversations with her throughout the night.  I was so impressed with Bela that I asked her if we could please meet up some time soon to talk some more.  

She happily agreed and a few days later we met up at Starbucks for what I originally thought would be a one-hour or so-ish conversation but turned into a 3-hour conversation that could have gone on had we both not had other commitments.  We talked about a lot but below are some of the key questions & answers that will help all of you get an understanding of what matchmaking - Bela Gandhi style - is all about.

1)  We are all familiar with online dating, networking (often aka meet-people-to-date) events, etc., but what exactly do you do as "Matchmaker" & why did you get into it?

I have always loved connecting people, personally and professionally. I have been a matchmaker as long as I can remember – back to my college roommate Audrey.  I felt that unquestionable “sixth sense” kick in – and knew that she should be with my friend Simon.   Finally, just before my wedding a few years later, they were both single, and I gave them my own dose of tough love.   I told them they could either go out on a date, or I would “force” them into an awkward date by seating them next to each other at my wedding.  I told them, “If you go out on one date – you will marry each other.”   Simon capitulated, and called her one-week before the wedding. They are now married with 3 kids – living in Glenview.      

So…. the reason I’ve decided to do this professionally now is ironically due to the online dating revolution.  Online dating has become so prevalent, that even 2003 statistics show that 1 out of 2 single people in America had tried online dating.  Online dating services and social networking sites have dramatically increased people’s access to one another.  The downside to increased access is that people are now far more apt to screen out good candidates because they feel that a better person is just a mouse click away--and worse, they find themselves screened out for the same reasons.  What we’ve found is people more than ever want and need the human touch in helping them find their significant other…enter…..The Matchmaker…..

As a matchmaker, I develop personalized strategies to help people find their mates. This starts out with an in-depth questionnaire, which helps me to get to know the client deeply….general profile (background, education, etc), relationship history/what works/what hasn’t.   Then, we have a phone / in person session, where we co-author a “find someone wonderful” plan.  Depending on the person, this plan can include “dating coaching” (have you seen the movie “Hitch”?), image consulting, online profile consulting, and of course, matchmaking in its traditional definition (I hand pick several candidates to introduce my clients to).

2)   2)    You've worked with a significant amount of clients/friends - if there was one thing that you would say is the most common "hang-up"/personal issue that individuals have with their approach to dating?

Dating has become about screening out, not screening in.  People have so many choices, that they are looking to not waste time, and to rule people out quickly.  I see people getting screened out by one questionable text, one questionable comment on a phone conversation, etc.  In line with this, people are unaware of how behaviors can be hurting them on dates.  Ironically, it's very often small things that we say/do or how we say them that cause people to form negative/incorrect stereotypes about our personality.   I employ many interesting methods (including calling the dates themselves) to get to the real information, and it can be transformational to the client.   

3)     What advice would you give a single person?

Love is usually not what happens in Hollywood or Bollywood.   Keep an open mind and think critically about what will matter to you long term.

You should take the search for a mate as seriously as you would take a job search and approach it with the same level of strategy and planning.   At minimum, you need to get out of your house, and out of your rut to meet more of the kinds of people you want to meet.  However, if what you’re doing to meet people isn’t working, get feedback from people who will be honest with you, re-evaluate, and make the necessary changes.

4)     How can interested people contact you?   

They can email me at chicagosmatchmaker @gmail.com.    

*    *    *    *    *    *    *     *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *     *    *    *    *    *    *    *     *    *    *     

We talked about a lot more including my dating experiences, current potential "situations" (if they can even be called that) and within that short time, I had so much insight into yours truly as well as the dating process, that I asked her to explain the "how to get involved" process.  Basically, every client of Bela's - no matter to what extent they utilize her services - goes through an initial "personal strategy" consultation.

For the sake of research for this blog (of course, you know how committed I am :-P), I am going to go through this "personal strategy" process with Bela, and I see it as one of the most enlightening parts of her service.  Most people go to more networking events, different dating websites ("didn't meet anyone on Indiandating?  let's hit up Shaadi.  Shaadi a no go? Match here I come"), and even a matchmaker thinking all they need is to be introduced to better people.  What they don’t realize is that some (or a lot or ALL) of the issue may be in themselves and how they’ve been viewing/ approaching dating.  The personal strategy helps you understand if you are approaching dating in the best possible way:   Are you looking in the right places for the right kind of mate?   Does your on-line profile stand out?  How do you behave on dates?  Do you know what kinds of things are turn-ons (and turn-offs) to the opposite sex?    Are you dressing and carrying yourself in the most attractive way?  Through in-depth interviews and feedback with friends and family, Bela’s process helps people zero in on the few things people need to tweak to become successful daters.  I’m truly looking forward to insights about what I’ve been doing, and concrete tips on improving myself, the process, hopefully paving the road to find the right person J   

If you are one of those people who - when it comes to dating & finding your "one" - has been doing essentially the same thing for the last 5-20 years (the latter # is not exaggerated considering we all know late 30/early 40-something individuals & most of us have been on this search since our early 20's) expecting different results, I highly recommend considering reaching out to Bela (she has clients all over the country).  She is kind, honest & so on point, and I strongly encourage everyone make that small investment in themselves because if you are willing to hear the feedback & make the necessary changes, you WILL get different results and make progress towards finding your right person.

That's all from me today & I'll keep you posted on my results as I go through the initial consultation process.

Write soon ~ SmileMoon :)

p.s. - Bela is one of only 4 Matchmakers nationwide trained by Rachel Greenwald, who in the world of dating is a pretty big deal (http://www.findahusbandafter35.com/?id=1)!  Meet Bela (& me! although I will not be SmileMoon at the event :-P) @ NetIP Chicago's Valentine Mixer on Thursday, February 11th, which includes an opportunity for speed dating (spots for this are limited).  If you are interested, please see the links below.  

If you are not a member, please register for Speed Dating here:

https://secure.www.alumniconnections.com/olc/pub/LVNI/events/LVNI2243809.html

If you are a member, please register for Speed Dating here:

https://secure.www.alumniconnections.com/olc/pub/LVNI/events/LVNI2243818.html

"Waiting is a trap. There will always be reasons to wait. The truth is, there are only two things in life, reasons and results, and reasons simply don't count."  - Dr. Robert Anthony