I am much more charming in India :)

I'm also seemingly much more attractive, entertaining, & overall appealing to people at large.  From Uncles/Aunties, kids, family friends, strangers & guys, in India, I have an effect on people that I definitely do not have stateside.  At first meeting here, it's a big SM-gush-fest & people can't get enough of me, & I'm not going to lie that it's quite the temporary ego-boost - another something I definitely don't get while in the US.

For example, I visited my cousin out in Bangalore at the start of my trip & we went to dinner with some of her friends, 2 of whom were guys.  They were so complimentary (& me being a sucker for flattery I ate it up) about everything-me from how I looked to how I acted (per them... sweet, cute, "bahauth achi" - very good) that over saag paneer one guy literally said (in Hindi, so the charm factor for me is far more than if the same thing was said in English) "if I didn't have a girlfriend, I would ask for your hand in marriage."  I said back in Hindi while giggling like a lil' school girl, "if you didn't have a girlfriend, I'd say "yes."'  Sure, being that he had a girlfriend the whole convo was totally inappropriate but I blew it off to being in the motherland.  When it was time to go, I hugged the non-marriage proposal guy goodbye first (as I normally hug almost everyone I meet goodbye if not when I first meet them if it's through someone I know), & woah nelly, he almost died (not in a bad way).  I was so surprised by his reaction (uhh... apparently, you don't full-frontal-hug-at-random in the motherland) that I didn't hug marriage-proposal friend, & the poor thing has been telling my cousin how bummed he was by it for the past 2 weeks.  Too funny & too cute.

After all the love and attention these past few weeks, my still-not-understood-by-me SM-appeal factor here, & seeing where all my other relatives are at my age or much younger (whether they be my cousins or nieces), I can't help but feel how I felt in my "Sometimes I wish I was in the Motherland" post way back in September of last year.  I always feel like me just being me is enough here & I can't help but believe that had I been in the motherland, I would never have been 30 & still single and free to mingle.  Where my family is from in India - small cities that are pretty much the opposite of big metro areas like Mumbai, Delhi & Bangalore - life is pretty simple & 95% of everyone who is married is living in a joint-family-type situation.  It's so odd, but the same things that I'd find completely unappealing in the US (i.e.. - living in a joint family, having my life revolve 100% around essentially the service of my husband, in-laws & kids, wearing sindoor & a mangal sutra, etc.), I find uber-appealing here. 

My biggest desire in life has never been to be uber-wealthy or be on the fast track in my career; that does not make me lazy, unambitious, seeking financial dependency on someone else or anything along those lines, but I just gage personal success for myself differently.  More than anything else I want to have meaning in my life & bring meaning to the lives of others both of which I find through the people that touch my life or whose lives I touch.  To me, my big dream tied into my big value is to have my own family one day, so I can't help but feel a little "complete family" (as many people call it here)-envy when I see where my mid-20's-to-mid-30's cousins/nephews/nieces are in life; sure, they are not living the balleriffic life by any means, but they are living good and meaningful lives by my standard.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying the above to mean any unlove or lack-of-gratitude to my parents for coming to the US or for the life that I have there; it's just a thought that I can't help but having when I'm here.

Well, that's all from me for now.  I hope things are going well with everyone & will write again soon.

~ SmileMoon :)

The shoulds and should nots

Someone asked for a new topic, so I'm going to cop out a little here and throw this back at everyone following.

Write a post that fills in the following 4 statements.

1) Every girl should ____

2) Every guy should ____

3) Every girl should NOT ____

4) Every guy should NOT ____

I'll start us off...

Every girl should answer her phone when a guy calls, assuming she gave him a real number, (this is about common courtesy, maybe more calls would be made if they were answered/returned.)

Every guy should take a hint when a girl is not interested, (either she's actually not into you, prioritizing other parts of her life, playing games, you're coming off as an A**, or any number of other reasons.)

Every girl should NOT listen to her friends about who to date/marry... it's your life to live.  (that said, when you're really into someone, it's hard to be objective, good counsel can be invaluable.)

Every guy should NOT listen to his friends about who to date/marry.... it's your life to live.  (ditto above)

- Posted by a frequent commenter during SM's absence

Off to the motherland to find a husband...!

... for my cousin!  Well, no, here's the truth... my younger cousin is looking, & I will certainly be helping her in her search however I can, but I just wanted a subject that would get people to the blog (kind of like my previous "Everyone is Doing It...")  *Sigh...* tell me why I'm such a dork and delight at being so not-so-sneaky.  :-D


Anywho... I'm heading to the motherland for a much-needed "soul recharge" and I couldn't be more excited!!!  For some reason, India is that one place that I can't ever get enough of and oddly enough, when I'm there, it just feels like perfect peace, & I am my absolutely most natural SmileMoon-self.  I haven't been in 3 years, and the last time was crazed because I was doing my whole family's shopping for my brother's wedding, so I CANNOT wait for this trip... a whole lot of family time, my lil' grandbache babies speaking Hindi (is anything cuter than that??), non-stop "ghar ka khana" (home food), scooter rides, feeling like you're on a race track (& playing frogger!) while riding in a car, monkeys running wild & just everything else that is so wonderful about being back there with your peoples.


I'm not sure if or how often I'll be able to get online, but if I am able to, I'll definitely try to post something (perhaps how the "shaadi nahi hui?" - "you're not married?" - conversations proceed considering that they started asking me that 7 years ago! :-P) or maybe just a quick entry about my trip.


In the meantime if anyone is new to the blog or hasn't seen the discussions that took place after a few particular blogs, definitely check out the below:

• "Getting her # but not calling it"
• "The Comment that Got Its Very Own Blog post" (170+ comments!)
• "The Great (Desi) AGE Debate"
• & the most recent posting "I heart you Anonymous 3:14"

Ok, I hope everyone has a good March!

Write Soon ~ SmileMoon :)

I long, as does every human being, to be at home wherever I find myself. - Maya Angelou

& this quote was my impetus for booking this trip; I read it a little over a week ago & within 2 hours, I'd booked a "last-minute trip to India."  Don’t worry about what the world wants from you, worry about what makes you come more alive. Because what the world really needs are people who are more alive. Your real job is to increase the color and zest of your life. — Lawrence Leshan  

I heart you Anonymous 3:14...

...for giving me such great content for a post when I'm in a massive time crunch.  Thank you!  :-D

SIDE NOTE:  Readers, please also see other comments in the last thread on everything from the age discussion to the “short girl/guy complex” & responses to the below comment in the previous post, "The Great (Desi) AGE Debate."  Also, although there was a whole blog post dedicated to it ("Getting her #, but not calling it" & woah nelly, it caused quite a stir), there is more on calling instead of texting in the previous comment thread as well.  

  

& if you haven't checked it out, although you would need a day to get through the 177 comments (!!!) that followed the posting "The comment that got its own blog response, (2/9)" there was a really interesting (to say the least) & expansive discussion on everything under the sun.... purity, being a V/BAV, organ size, abuse in the desi community & much much more...

"Anonymous 3:14" said...

Some common pitfalls, from a guy's perspective.

In the above discussion of some of the common perils and pitfalls in South Asian dating, there are a few in particular that I have encountered that I thought I would share with the blog:

(1) Inexplicable loss of interest

Often I will be introduced to or meet girls that are extremely promising prospects, and who I may initially find quite attractive. Over the course of a few meetings/dates, however, this interest seems to vanish for a number of reasons: (a) the girl asks for a commitment too soon; (b) the girl is not a challenge or develops feelings for me before I develop feelings for her; or (c) I get to know her better and discover something that is a deal-breaker.

I'm not sure how much of this is a pitfall versus me being overly picky, but I do feel that there *may* be an issue here since there appear to be many such situations where I have moderate-to-high interest which suddenly disappears after a few meetings. To some extent this is part and parcel of the dating process, but I wonder if it is necessary for one to constantly engage oneself and evaluate one's loss of interest. Or should you just trust what you feel?

(2) FEAR OF REJECTION

I have always been and continue to be most afraid of expressing interest in the girls that I am most interested in. It's the girls that put me at a loss for words, or put a lump in my throat, that I seem to avoid at all costs...probably because rejection by them would hurt a lot more than girls that I was never really that interested in to begin with. The potential with these girls is sky high, and I probably owe it to myself to pursue these opportunities, but I find myself so hamstrung and so afraid of what might happen that I often invent excuses as to why it wouldn't work or why I shouldn't show interest.

(3) CASUAL TRAP

In the process of trying to find a potential partner, you may come across someone whom you can't for whatever reason see a future with, but who is willing to see you casually. In some cases she actually senses the loss of interest on your part and tries to hold on to you through sex (the old adage about women exchanging sex for love; and men, love or the promise of love for sex).

A number of thoughts may be going through her head: (a) she hopes that you will eventually see how great she is and 'come around' (b) she doesn't see any other great prospects and figures that having fun with you now is better than nothing (c) it's easy, it's NSA, and who knows maybe she can really handle it (probably not).

I have found that in some cases, women will try to even 'lure' you into a relationship by sleeping with you, and then acting like you are a player when you tell them you are not interested. To be fair, I will admit that I have used the line "I am not ready" when in reality I have just lacked the courage to tell them that I am not interested in them.

LESSONS FOR GUYS:

(1) Don't give into temptation. Stay away from casual relationships; they will likely prevent you from finding and/or pursuing the One.

(2) Don't be afraid of pursuing the girl that makes your heart skip a beat. You know who she is. Why is it okay for you to take risks in so many other aspects of your life, but be reluctant to take a chance in the one area of life that is arguably most important?

(3) Be realistic. If you have dated many amazing women in your life, you cannot expect that your future wife will exceed all of your previous dates in every respect. Think hard about what is most important, and what you can compromise on.

Now if I can only practice what I preach... 

SMILEMOON:  

Anonymous 3:14, *sigh*... if only we all could practice what we preach.  Thanks again for your comment; I think it provides very on point insight into the male perspective.  Ladies, we have limited control over point #1, & no control over point #2, but point #3, well, we have full control there.  Let's stop being naive in our beliefs and actions & even worse let's stop blaming guys for the aftermath we perceive after something doesn't pan out.  I am a firm believer that the writing is always on the wall in these kinds of "casual" situations; we just unfortunately choose to ignore it.  More on that from one of my comments in the last thread:  

"& on that note ladies, again, i really recommend being genuine from the beginning (w/out being crazy). there is no harm in telling a guy who you are spending more than "hi/hello" time with that you are not looking for something casual (& if it does cause harm, as much as it sucks, you're probably just a time pass to him & HJNTIY - "He's just not that into you"). the kind of guy you really want to be with will respect you for not wanting something casual & let the ones who get scared be on their way. as i said in my posting "Casual Relationships," it's a whole lot of CASUAL that has gotten us all in this predicament.

& one more thing ladies, i can't say this enough, as women we are all about "commitment" to everything, but modern times require that we not get so committed to any one guy until he gives us very good & clear reasons to. for example, we'll meet a guy out that we really like & then we don't talk to anyone else. or we start talking to a guy who we are interested in, & stop considering other guys (whether they be in real life or online) only to have that one thing not pan out & all those other guys end up as non-options. ladies, i promise you that guys are not "in it to win it" until they make it clear with their actions. 

& so much of the frustration that women feel is that they are constantly trying to figure out everything a guy does from his in-person behavior to a text, an emoticon in that text & everything in between. i've definitely gotten caught up in it & i've seen it make some people completely looney tunes; now THAT is not that guy's fault. when there's so much "what does that mean? where are we at?" WE are just being blind to what he's making clear."

More on the "Casual Trap" in my previous posting (& the discussion that followed) from January 21^st called “Casual Relationships & then some:”  http://southasiandating.blogspot.com/2010/01/casual-relationships-then-some.html

Thanks for reading.  Write Soon ~ Smile Moon :)