Anywho... I'm heading to the motherland for a much-needed "soul recharge" and I couldn't be more excited!!! For some reason, India is that one place that I can't ever get enough of and oddly enough, when I'm there, it just feels like perfect peace, & I am my absolutely most natural SmileMoon-self. I haven't been in 3 years, and the last time was crazed because I was doing my whole family's shopping for my brother's wedding, so I CANNOT wait for this trip... a whole lot of family time, my lil' grandbache babies speaking Hindi (is anything cuter than that??), non-stop "ghar ka khana" (home food), scooter rides, feeling like you're on a race track (& playing frogger!) while riding in a car, monkeys running wild & just everything else that is so wonderful about being back there with your peoples.
I'm not sure if or how often I'll be able to get online, but if I am able to, I'll definitely try to post something (perhaps how the "shaadi nahi hui?" - "you're not married?" - conversations proceed considering that they started asking me that 7 years ago! :-P) or maybe just a quick entry about my trip.
In the meantime if anyone is new to the blog or hasn't seen the discussions that took place after a few particular blogs, definitely check out the below:
- "Getting her # but not calling it"
- "The Comment that Got Its Very Own Blog post" (170+ comments!)
- "The Great (Desi) AGE Debate"
- & the most recent posting "I heart you Anonymous 3:14"
Ok, I hope everyone has a good March!
Write Soon ~ SmileMoon :)
I long, as does every human being, to be at home wherever I find myself. - Maya Angelou
Posts
Well given no SM entries will be coming until she gets back, and the headline of her post is so enticing, I will throw this out there --- in the borng-and-raised in America desi crowd, why are so many guys I know willing to go to India to find a wife, but basically no girls I know willing to go to India to find a husband? Would love to hear the readers' take on this disparity.
ReplyDeleteHave a great trip SM. And while you are in India, can you let us know how to translate born-again virgin into Hindi??? lol
ReplyDeleteHey Anon 3:19,
ReplyDeleteHere's a simple answer to a complicated question. Desi guys will go to India to find girls that will happily bring garam roti to the table for her husband and sons. Desi girls in America want the same thing, but no eligible guy from India will bring garam roti for his wife! Sadly, she will be better off bringing back a servant from India than a husband.
I think that Indian women, when they come to the States, are more accommodating and adjusting vs. their male counterparts in India (plus they are much better looking). Plus the desi guys in India have a much higher "way too FOB" percentage whereas the girls are more sophisticated and cosmopolitan. Unfair how easy it is to be an Indian guy vs Indian girl in this search.
ReplyDeleteWhat's the point of complaining? Start dating non-Indian guys. Its not like the desis are the cream of the crop or anything. After what I have read on here with all the emotionally abusive men, men who stick to weird checklists, don't commit, give women hard time, are judgemental, I say, heck you aint got nothing to loose. Start dating out of the culture. Just try it! Even in the Indian community people are divorcing. Men who want the perfect obeject, and when somehow they get it and realize after marriage that this woman and this marriage are both very real and fruaght with reality. Well then, this man might try to replace one object with another, so I just think that keep dating desis if you want, but keep your options open to dating outside the culture. Empowering yourself by thinking of new ways to make your life better is better than sitting around complaining like a victim.
ReplyDeleteI agree with 7:38pm. Why are we sticking to Indian men? The more we explore our options the more we are saying there are other men out there so Indian men please shape up or ship out.
ReplyDeleteBut dating outside our culture has its draw backs. We are not necessarily getting the cream of the crop. People tend to stick to their own culture/race and we get the few who are willing to date outside. I don't see white/Chinese/black successful men lining up to date Indian women but rather date women who are either from their own culture or white women.
I know what I said is not politically correct. However in my experience it has been true. It seems as though, people desire white women for their western features/lighter skin tone. Even in Indian culture, fairer women, who look less Indian are considered more beautiful.
Now I don't agree with these terms...but it is what it is.
guest bloggers please while you're gone!! i'm too hooked to wait til you come back!! people, keep this discussion going in the comments section :)
ReplyDeleteHi everyone! So, it turns out that my Mausiji got internet at home which is life-changing (ok, life-in-India changing) considering I'd have to plan weekly visits to a cyber cafe. The connection is slow as all get out, so I think if I manage to make a full blog post, it'll be an SM-patience miracle.
ReplyDeletePlease definitely keep the convo going here & in other posts, & if anything comes up like "The Comment that Got Its Own Blog Post" or "I Heart you Anon 3:14," I will definitely post it.
As for why Indian men can go to the motherland to bring back wives, I agree with everyone's explanation. By nature - desi womene are taught to be accomodating & are told to sacrifice/compromise/do the "seva" of their husband/family which are all nice/great things; however, there is a big disparity when it comes to that on the flip side from desi men where there standad role has always been provider for the family.
I don't think a desi girl would be satisfied emotionally/mentally with a guy from India, where a guy from here will be satisifed with his 10X better-looking-than-him-cooks-cleans-&-raises the bache-wife.
At least that's how I see it.
Thanks everyone for the travel wishes. I'm off to Bangalore day after tomorrow & am so excited for my first trip outside of U.P.!!
Write soon ~ SmileMoon
Hey Anon 8:37,
ReplyDeleteWhat planet are you living on??? I am a Desi guy and have seen lots of my Desi women friends marry successful White men across the US. These men range from high-end lawyers (TX) to police captains (CA) to business executives (MI). None looks like Brad Pitt, but most of these guys would still be considered the cream of the crop in any culture.
The bigger challenge is for Desi women to overcome the cultural stigma of dating/marrying Black men, many of whom would love to star in a sequel to Mississippi Masala. However, that is an issue that may take a few more generations to overcome, but certainly not because of issues that successful Black men have.
I bet if you were to look closely, you will find plenty of Desi women who married "up" when they went outside their demographic.
I can't recall now how I found this, but I am glad I did. This is honestly very refreshing and comforting at same. I have always been a big non believer in the age game and thinking you will miss a train on things post a certain age.
ReplyDeleteenjoy the motherland
Hey, what's the difference? When these women start dating white guys, they'll just end up bitter about them too. Some people are just plain bitter and would rather blame others (Indian guys) than introspect.
ReplyDeletewho said that quote, something like "missing a train is only painful if you chase after it."
ReplyDeletePeople are bitter for a reason. Nothing just happens automatically. Stimulus leads to response. Anyways, there is such a thing as accountability, assuming responsibility for bs actions that Indian men put women through.
ReplyDeleteShit happens, and its okay to complain, for some time not forever. We do have a CHOICE as to how we react to the stimulus. "Between stimulus and response there is a space in this space lies greatest of our freedoms." Viktor Frankl
amen to the post right above
ReplyDeleteI don't agree with SM's comment completely- She's right about why the women from here can't marry the men from India, but even the men from here who marry indian women from India these days aren't nearly as satisfied emotionally/mentally as maybe the past generation would have been taking this route. Also, this comment is not true either
ReplyDelete"a guy from here will be satisifed with his 10X better-looking-than-him-cooks-cleans-&-raises the bache-wife."
There are so many women from India who're marrying these guys not based on love, or respect but because it's a ticket to freedom. Some of them are using it as a way to get an opportunity to escape the traditional stereotype. Not to mention, many of them have a really hard time adjusting. Times have changed, people need to get with it.
Also, the indian woman here who is a hot shot doctor, lawyer, engineer in her early/mid 30s is much more humble, traditional when she finds the right guy, and she also got the whole career/freedom thing out of her system, that I think she'd be far more likely to be a better wife, emotionally and when it comes to balancing domestic responsibilities between work and family.
Agree with 6:17 pm. There was an incident 8-10 years ago where this girl from India came to US and married a Doctor man from US and had a boyfriend back home. She went to a movie with him one evening and stabbed him to death. My cousin married a girl from India and he somehow got her email and she had a boyfriend and intended to leave my cuz after she got here. Clearly the former man is dead and my cousin is divorced. 6:17pm u are right!
ReplyDelete651pm - anecdotal horror stories exist for anyone. I am sure girls born here have screwed over their husbands as well and had BFs in the background. Bad people exist everywhere. But 617pm has it right -- the hot shot in her 30s that is here in the states tends to be more traditional and humble once she meets the right guy and Indian women do have a family oriented nature in their DNA. This is why as a "checklist guy" I only look for someone who is smart, accomplished, intelligent, independent -- but amazing to me, most guys I know want the not that smart hottie so they can always feel like the man.
ReplyDeleteSM, nice lead in to the post!
ReplyDelete3:19, I know a few successful (4+ year marriages) of guys going to India and zero successful gals going to india to find spouses. I think it has to do with the traditional idea that a girl grows up expecting to leave the house, while a boy grows up expecting the reverse. Add in the expectation of caring for parents. In that situation, how many mother-in-laws would be ready to move from India to the US losing all of their friends and servants. Sounds like you'd need a unique minded guy and parents.
10:18, Indian girls have more "choices" in terms of shear numbers... Usually, a guy is expected to approach a girl... I'm not saying every choice is a quality choice, but I doubt they're all bad. The real issue seems to be a sense of urgency... when you remove the traditional age boundary for marriage, then what's left to make you pick.
7:38, I concur. Dating outside the culture is enlightening. You can only gain from this... either you'll find a whole new dating pool or you'll come back with a greater appreciation for what you left.
8:37, Tops and Flops exist in all cultures and all geographies. (no idea where I heard that... I just like the rhyme.)
SM 10:03, Unfortunately every overseas bride doesn't fit the profile. I can think of at least 1 that used the situation with the expectation of gaining a green card... fortunately, she didn't get it, but what a waste of life, emotional turmoil and money for 2 years. I can only hope that he and those like him are better off for the experience.
5:24, Bitterness happens, but it's hard to say without knowing a person's history.
4:07, I concur. Ultimately, happiness is a choice.
6:17, Something about the phrase, "and she also got the whole career/freedom thing out of her system" irks me. Almost like you're saying that a woman's career is just something she does until she's ready to have kids.
6:51 yikes! that's taking it to a whole new level. I can see a remake of the Black Widow already in the works.
3:33, You tell it brother! ...with a minor edit "This is why as a "checklist guy" I only look for someone who is smart, accomplished, intelligent, independent -- [AND] amazing to me, most guys I know want the not that smart hottie so they can always feel like the man."
ooh, good catch and nice edit for 3:33!
ReplyDeleteRahul, I'm assuming Smita left you in charge of the blog while she is in the motherland.
ReplyDeleteSince this post is boring won't you please start a new topic?
"Almost like you're saying that a woman's career is just something she does until she's ready to have kids." - I don't think that was the point of that comment. It shows that guys here think a girl raised here is too independent, too into her career to be a good wife/good mother etc. unlike the one they recruit from India.
ReplyDeleteThe poster is saying, a woman who has experienced the career life would value her life as a mother, and know how to balance it better than a girl who is using an ABCD as a ticket to freedom (his citizenship, his green card, his credit card, his bank balance). Next thing you know, she's a complete liability. And if she's a hot shot career girl in India, why would she come here? Probably for the same reasons (green card)
ABCD guys are plain naive when they think a girl from India is coming for the right reasons. Majority of them think of it as a business transaction, and it's a practical decision.
10:09 sure.
ReplyDelete8:47 Fair enough, I can see how that can help one find balance... assuming of course, that is what the woman intends. So, ultimately you're making the case for a woman from the US regardless of whether she pursues a career? I'm asking, if you're implying that all women from India make their decision for practical reasons (green card)? If ABCD guys are naive about women from India, then are they also naive about women from the US?