A girlfriend of mine told me about a recent correspondence she had with someone (a supposed "Serious Looker") that went something like this... after seeing each other's profiles, my friend (who we'll call "G" for girl) and this guy ("B" for boy") were mutually interested in each other and there was a common friend ("F") who was helping to facilitate the connection. B passes an e-mail along to F to make an inquiry to G... "Would you be willing to learn Gujarati?" When she told me this, I lol'd and said "Omg, we need to go non-desi."
I said that not because I have any un-love for my desi people (as I've said before in my "Interracial Dating" post, I heart desi everything & ideally still want to be with a desi guy), but because the whole idea of whether she would learn Gujarati as an up front deal breaker was just absurd to me. I honestly understand rejecting someone for height or age - two non-changeable factors - more than I do something like that... something someone could or would learn if they felt so compelled to later down the road. Like I said in my Interracial Dating & Check Mark Criteria posts, too many of us are looking for exact replicas of ourselves on all kinds of things like "dietary preference, secondary language spoken, etc." that we eliminate people as potential choices before even having an opportunity to know anything of real substance or value about them - like their personality or character. Eats non-veg? See you! Non-Brahmin/Gujarati/Punjabi/etc? It's been real!
The reason I always encourage everyone to explore beyond just-desi is because of this desi-desire to somehow perfectly blend arranged marriages of back in the day (when that vast choice of thousands of girls/guys matching up to your criteria doesn't exist) to present day dating, falling in love, etc. We all also have so much pride in our own little sub-cultures that simply being "Indian" is often not enough. Would my friend have learned Gujarati... would he have learned Hindi...? Maybe, down the road, when the two of them actually knew, valued and loved each other enough to learn/accommodate/blend what was important to the other.
I always refer to the one & only non-desi guy that I dated (he was white) and how he was essentially more Indian than any of the former coconuts (you know, brown on the outside, white on the inside) that I had dated. He knew I was obsessed with Bollywood (& Shahrukh Khan), so without my having to ask, he would sweetly say "I know you want to watch something with your real boyfriend, SRK... which of his 50 DVDs, do you want to watch tonight?" He would insist on going to Indian buffets (irrespective of how much he suffered afterwards) so he could learn more about the food... & he even had me e-mail him random Hindi phrases (& was researching Rosetta Stone on his own) because he knew how important it was to me. & I've heard some version of the above from countless interracial couples although it shouldn't make sense that an Indian person could work better with someone with ZERO shared culture versus say an Indian-Gujarati & an Indian-Punjabi. I understand that we are all attached to "how we were raised" our the culture/traditions of our parents, but in the grand scheme of LIFE a lot of these silly deal breaker things are completely irrelevant.
It is really unfortunate that people in their 30's, who insist more than anything that they want to "settle down" are still so hell bent on writing potential partners off for such silly reasons. Why not instead of asking will he/she be willing to learn/give up/do this or that... why not get to know that person, what they are all about, why certain things are important to them, etc...? Why not AFTER a real connection has been established have an honest conversation about how much it would mean to you if your partner learned (for example, to speak Gujarati) & how you would be just as thrilled to start learning Hindi.
Personally, I'm not willing to commit to doing anything for anyone I meet in an album, online or even after a few initial meetings. However, most decent people are willing to learn, compromise & accommodate when there is enough invested & a reason to... for example, my girlfriends know that I am "non-veg" to my core; however, if I fell in love with someone who was strictly vegetarian, as long as he wasn't making it a "deal breaker" or "making me" do anything, I would definitely & very happily give up my love for non-veg food. True story. I'm writing this post so we all seriously consider what kinds of things we are writing people off for from the outset and how many potential great people we could be missing in the process.
One other thing to consider... I understand times have changed, yadda yadda, but how is it that our parents who ONLY had bio-data basics, usually a one-time in-person (possibly just a photo) meeting, no knowledge of their physical compatibility, & limited knowledge to that person's personality (beyond what she showed while serving his family chai & he showed as he awkwardly sat there)... why were they able to make this whole thing work for the most part? Were their relationships perfect...? Are they all madly in love...? No & nope, but a good majority of them made really great lives with each other... whether they ever had romance, fell in love or not, they LOVE each other & share a common purpose. Why is it that now - after knowing & experiencing so much more - our expectations are out of this world, criteria are more out of control, deal breakers are rampant, divorces have become the norm & things seem to be on such an overall decline?
The answer is that our parents had to make the best of whatever (whoever) they were dealt with (essentially someone who seemed good on paper, but who really knew??); they managed & thrived due to their shared common purpose and didn't have an option of making everything a deal breaker (for example, in Vijay Uncle's case... woops, Auntie told a small white lie about enjoying to cook... would he maybe have not chosen her had he known up front? Possibly, but no divorce happened once the truth came out that the cooking Auntie really enjoyed was that at restaurants :-P).
Well, that's all from me on that... I did, however, want to clarify one random unrelated thing regarding what I've heard on the blog & otherwise about my hurting my chances to meet someone by blogging. One day, I really hope I can stop re-explaining this... to anyone who is still confused, this blog is about GENERAL dating topics and is not SmileMoon's dating diary ("Yesterday, I went on a date with this guy who was so... & omg, he...!"). Yeah, it's not that. Are certain dating behaviors being discussed? Yes, but again they are general and without the possibility of being linked to anyone. If you think I'm blogging about you or someone you know, you can rest assured that I'm not (unless we went on a date/dated prior to 2007); you just happen to fall into the general category I'm talking about.
Again, I know I wouldn't date someone so freaked out by "someone who blogs," but for those of you who may have been interested but hesitated (which I can genuinely understand) b/c you were worried that our date/dating happenings will be blogged about, I can assure you that they won't.
K, I hope everyone is having a great week & stay tuned for Bela Gandhi, "The Chicago Matchmaker" in my next posting.
Write soon ~ SmileMoon :)
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Casual Relationships & then some...
This blog topic is partly inspired by Vijay Uncle's most recent status: "Casual relationships are like placebos when you really need life saving medicine. It may not have harmful side effects but the time they eat up are harmful enough." More from Vijay Uncle's post later.... This blog is also inspired by a recent commenter who referenced many examples of some of the most gorgeous & successful women in the world who were in relationships where they were abused, cheated on, etc. Although they are seemingly unrelated topics, I still believe they are inter-connected...
In no way is this blog meant to be a male bashing; like every blog, I am writing so that we ALL look back at our past experiences and make sure we've learned something from them as well as reflect on what kind of results our current actions are getting & evolve as necessary... For starters, let me be clear that I think in every relationship, both parties have a part in how the relationship transpires & no one is completely innocent or a true 100% victim. I know I've certainly felt like a victim of let's say cheating in the past, but in the end, although I couldn't have been any different (as in been more appealing, sexier, whatever) to prevent him from cheating, I definitely had an inherent gut feeling about the 2 guys who ended up cheating on me. I am not making any judgments about what kind of people they were then or are now, but had I listened to my gut, I would have either not gotten into those relationships in the first place or when I saw certain "red flag" signals along the way, I at least could have made like Forrest Gump & RAN.
Ladies, I've said this before & I'll say it again and again because I beyond believe it's true... WE are the reason for the often "bad" behavior of men. When I look back at my dating experiences & even my just-liking-boys experiences from my teenage years, I realize that no matter how much love we got at home (if you know my family also known as "The Moon Household of Hugs," I personally got a "like woah" amount), how wonderful our families are & how much we know better because we were taught things like "self-worth, esteem, respect," us females still have this deep desire for attention, affection & ultimately, love, from that one guy. Whether she dates a guy at 17 or 27, the majority of girls do not get into most dating situations/relationships, thinking that the relationship is casual or is going to end. Even if she knows it's casual for the guy, most girls convince themselves that they can inspire feelings of love & deep commitment in said guy by their actions.
That desire to be loved by & with one man is not the problem because I think it more instinctual & biological then some kind of choice we make; the problem is all the sacrifices women make, truly bad behavior they tolerate (abuse, cheating, etc.) & overall unhealthy and unfulfilling relationships they remain in when they shouldn't. I always say that if some of the most famous, beautiful, intelligent & powerful women in the world become "victims" of the aforementioned, then us regular people are even more challenged.
On that note, let's take a trip down celebrity memory lane...
Some of the world's most beautiful women who have been cheated on: Uma Thurman, Christie Brinkley, Denise Richards, Halle Berry, Reese Witherspoon, Tea Leoni, Heather Locklear, Elizabeth Hurley....
Famous women who were victims of abuse: Aishwariya Rai, Rihanna, Tyra Banks, Oprah Winfrey, Tina Turner, Tori Amos...
(Side note: Men, it is not okay to blame your "just being a man" and your biological make-up for your decisions, and if you do that, you are no different than (for lack of a better animal example), an unneutered dog (I think that's a fair comparison for someone like Tiger Woods) that tries to hump everything it sees. We are HUMAN because we know the difference between right and wrong, we have the ability to make decisions based on how we think & feel, and we have a CONSCIENCE... The below is an interesting article on how women can forgive men for cheating, but usually not vice-versa....
Anyway, I am NOT saying that women don't cheat on or abuse men (& I understand that the latter is not as well-reported due to the stigma men face nor does it get as much media attention), but I would say the overall #s are such that women are more on the receiving end. I mentioned the above people not to liken their situations to our dating situations; however, to make everyone - men & women alike - think about... what they end up tolerating when they know they shouldn't... when they ignore character-type "red flags" or compromise who they are for the sake of being in a relationship... when they know it's wrong or not going anywhere (basically tolerating casual when what they want it serious), but they still stay.
Both attention & affection can be addictive; I know very few people who don't enjoy both. The thing is that we need to wean ourselves off that almost-drug & start using our brains a bit more. Guys & girls, I'm sure you've all been in this situation... where you feel like you are practically a boyf/girlf to someone, but they never commit for whatever reason... They put you in the friend or "I'm not ready for a serious relationship" zone (for whatever multitude of reasons) even though that's not what you want. They take your attention because they aren't getting it from anyone else, but the second they meet someone who gives them attention that they want to be affectionate with, you are out of the picture.
I really believe that no matter how old we are, we should ALL be more up front about our expectations. However, if more girls actually told guys from the get go that they were looking for something serious (since again, the majority of girls all are whether they are 14-34), then sure, a lot of guys would run in the other direction & that would be a GOOD THING. We all get so caught up in the social norm of "not being crazy/desperate" or scaring the other person away that we end up being completely inauthentic & disingenuous. Wanting to be in a serious, meaningful & fulfilling relationship does NOT make you desperate, and it really infuriates me that that's what is now perceived by everyone out there. Wanting that kind of relationship actually makes you very normal & shows that you value yourself and are at a stage in your life where you are ready to be serious. (Hence, Vijay Uncle's "Seriously Looking Albums.")
Anyone who wants to be in something just casual or who is perpetually "not ready" or "seeing where something is going," that shouldn't be the kind of person you want to be with when that's not what you want. I know of many good relationships, but there are 3 that really stand out in my mind as being the kind of relationships that one day I wish to be in something like (they are of my brother & his wife, my best friend since I was 4 and her fiance, & my recently engaged friend & her fiance). In these relationships, whether they dated for 6 months or 2 years before getting engaged, the guys were forthcoming about their intentions, persistent in their pursuit & SERIOUS, & the girls reciprocated accordingly making the same amount of effort & commitment. I understand that a guy being that way comes from a feeling he has about that girl & that can't be forced, but ladies, if you know in your heart that the guy you are with is not on the same page as you or he has managed to compartmentalize you out of his life (or into the background) for whatever reason, you have a lot of serious thinking (& hopefully acting) to do.
I really believe that at the end of the day, things are so jacked up now, because we all tolerate relationships/dating situations that less than meet our most basic expectations simply for the sake of a big fat "MAYBE" & not wanting to be alone. We are also so caught up in this supposed social "norm" of not being perceived as "desperate" or "too serious" that we compromise ourselves and what we really want. In other countries, it is very normal for people to get married in their very early 20's, whereas here, CASUAL has unfortunately become the norm.
Here's a CHALLENGE to everyone, but especially the girls out there: Next time you are put in a situation that doesn't jive with what you are looking for (let's say for example someone putting you in their periphery as a casual option), confidently say "I'm sorry. I think you are *insert positive adjective(s)*, but I don't think we are on the same page. I'm not looking for a casual relationship/ hook-up/ etc." Say & mean it, and then more than anything, make sure your actions line up with your words and intentions.
Well, that's all from me today. Please see the first comment for more from Vijay Uncle on casual relationships & really consider how much of your life's time you have wasted on "casual" & that you continue to waste.
As always, your comments, insights & opinions are appreciated (as always, whether it's directed at me or anyone else, no name calling please!).
Write soon ~ SmileMoon :)
In no way is this blog meant to be a male bashing; like every blog, I am writing so that we ALL look back at our past experiences and make sure we've learned something from them as well as reflect on what kind of results our current actions are getting & evolve as necessary... For starters, let me be clear that I think in every relationship, both parties have a part in how the relationship transpires & no one is completely innocent or a true 100% victim. I know I've certainly felt like a victim of let's say cheating in the past, but in the end, although I couldn't have been any different (as in been more appealing, sexier, whatever) to prevent him from cheating, I definitely had an inherent gut feeling about the 2 guys who ended up cheating on me. I am not making any judgments about what kind of people they were then or are now, but had I listened to my gut, I would have either not gotten into those relationships in the first place or when I saw certain "red flag" signals along the way, I at least could have made like Forrest Gump & RAN.
Ladies, I've said this before & I'll say it again and again because I beyond believe it's true... WE are the reason for the often "bad" behavior of men. When I look back at my dating experiences & even my just-liking-boys experiences from my teenage years, I realize that no matter how much love we got at home (if you know my family also known as "The Moon Household of Hugs," I personally got a "like woah" amount), how wonderful our families are & how much we know better because we were taught things like "self-worth, esteem, respect," us females still have this deep desire for attention, affection & ultimately, love, from that one guy. Whether she dates a guy at 17 or 27, the majority of girls do not get into most dating situations/relationships, thinking that the relationship is casual or is going to end. Even if she knows it's casual for the guy, most girls convince themselves that they can inspire feelings of love & deep commitment in said guy by their actions.
That desire to be loved by & with one man is not the problem because I think it more instinctual & biological then some kind of choice we make; the problem is all the sacrifices women make, truly bad behavior they tolerate (abuse, cheating, etc.) & overall unhealthy and unfulfilling relationships they remain in when they shouldn't. I always say that if some of the most famous, beautiful, intelligent & powerful women in the world become "victims" of the aforementioned, then us regular people are even more challenged.
On that note, let's take a trip down celebrity memory lane...
Some of the world's most beautiful women who have been cheated on: Uma Thurman, Christie Brinkley, Denise Richards, Halle Berry, Reese Witherspoon, Tea Leoni, Heather Locklear, Elizabeth Hurley....
Famous women who were victims of abuse: Aishwariya Rai, Rihanna, Tyra Banks, Oprah Winfrey, Tina Turner, Tori Amos...
(Side note: Men, it is not okay to blame your "just being a man" and your biological make-up for your decisions, and if you do that, you are no different than (for lack of a better animal example), an unneutered dog (I think that's a fair comparison for someone like Tiger Woods) that tries to hump everything it sees. We are HUMAN because we know the difference between right and wrong, we have the ability to make decisions based on how we think & feel, and we have a CONSCIENCE... The below is an interesting article on how women can forgive men for cheating, but usually not vice-versa....
http://www.lemondrop.com/2009/12/18/women-cheat-on-men-but-women-are-more-forgiving-when-cheated-on/)
Anyway, I am NOT saying that women don't cheat on or abuse men (& I understand that the latter is not as well-reported due to the stigma men face nor does it get as much media attention), but I would say the overall #s are such that women are more on the receiving end. I mentioned the above people not to liken their situations to our dating situations; however, to make everyone - men & women alike - think about... what they end up tolerating when they know they shouldn't... when they ignore character-type "red flags" or compromise who they are for the sake of being in a relationship... when they know it's wrong or not going anywhere (basically tolerating casual when what they want it serious), but they still stay.
Both attention & affection can be addictive; I know very few people who don't enjoy both. The thing is that we need to wean ourselves off that almost-drug & start using our brains a bit more. Guys & girls, I'm sure you've all been in this situation... where you feel like you are practically a boyf/girlf to someone, but they never commit for whatever reason... They put you in the friend or "I'm not ready for a serious relationship" zone (for whatever multitude of reasons) even though that's not what you want. They take your attention because they aren't getting it from anyone else, but the second they meet someone who gives them attention that they want to be affectionate with, you are out of the picture.
I really believe that no matter how old we are, we should ALL be more up front about our expectations. However, if more girls actually told guys from the get go that they were looking for something serious (since again, the majority of girls all are whether they are 14-34), then sure, a lot of guys would run in the other direction & that would be a GOOD THING. We all get so caught up in the social norm of "not being crazy/desperate" or scaring the other person away that we end up being completely inauthentic & disingenuous. Wanting to be in a serious, meaningful & fulfilling relationship does NOT make you desperate, and it really infuriates me that that's what is now perceived by everyone out there. Wanting that kind of relationship actually makes you very normal & shows that you value yourself and are at a stage in your life where you are ready to be serious. (Hence, Vijay Uncle's "Seriously Looking Albums.")
Anyone who wants to be in something just casual or who is perpetually "not ready" or "seeing where something is going," that shouldn't be the kind of person you want to be with when that's not what you want. I know of many good relationships, but there are 3 that really stand out in my mind as being the kind of relationships that one day I wish to be in something like (they are of my brother & his wife, my best friend since I was 4 and her fiance, & my recently engaged friend & her fiance). In these relationships, whether they dated for 6 months or 2 years before getting engaged, the guys were forthcoming about their intentions, persistent in their pursuit & SERIOUS, & the girls reciprocated accordingly making the same amount of effort & commitment. I understand that a guy being that way comes from a feeling he has about that girl & that can't be forced, but ladies, if you know in your heart that the guy you are with is not on the same page as you or he has managed to compartmentalize you out of his life (or into the background) for whatever reason, you have a lot of serious thinking (& hopefully acting) to do.
I really believe that at the end of the day, things are so jacked up now, because we all tolerate relationships/dating situations that less than meet our most basic expectations simply for the sake of a big fat "MAYBE" & not wanting to be alone. We are also so caught up in this supposed social "norm" of not being perceived as "desperate" or "too serious" that we compromise ourselves and what we really want. In other countries, it is very normal for people to get married in their very early 20's, whereas here, CASUAL has unfortunately become the norm.
Here's a CHALLENGE to everyone, but especially the girls out there: Next time you are put in a situation that doesn't jive with what you are looking for (let's say for example someone putting you in their periphery as a casual option), confidently say "I'm sorry. I think you are *insert positive adjective(s)*, but I don't think we are on the same page. I'm not looking for a casual relationship/ hook-up/ etc." Say & mean it, and then more than anything, make sure your actions line up with your words and intentions.
Well, that's all from me today. Please see the first comment for more from Vijay Uncle on casual relationships & really consider how much of your life's time you have wasted on "casual" & that you continue to waste.
As always, your comments, insights & opinions are appreciated (as always, whether it's directed at me or anyone else, no name calling please!).
Write soon ~ SmileMoon :)
Friday, January 15, 2010
Desperate for Check Mark Criteria...?
For those of you who've been following the blog or who possibly saw the last "text vs. calling" posting that caused quite a stir, you may have also seen the large slew of comments. Sure, a lot of them were from yours truly trying to address various posters' comments, but there were 2 things that came up several times about desi women (& since I'm grouped into the whole lot of "us" I thought they needed to be addressed): 1) An apparent air of desperation we all seem to have & 2) Our supposed expansive list of "check mark criteria" that we are unwilling to compromise on which ultimately makes us pass up potential guys.
** Disclaimer -- Warning -- Alert -- Sirens ** - this is MY take on things.... I know I've always "disclaimered" things but I'm a bit hyper-sensitive to make that clear after the backlash from the last blog where some of the comments got a little too hectic & unpleasant for my taste (particularly the last one which was pure evil*).
Now, I don't mean to be all "woe is us to be women" but excuse me while I go there for a minute... When a guy - no matter how old he may be - wants to settle down, find his "one," etc., his guy friends may raise an eyebrow (or are more like "don't do it dude!") if he's "too young," but the overall perception of him is nothing if not endearing... you know "aweeee, he's one of the good guys." When a girl - no matter how old she may be - says she wants to settle down, find her "one" & the big dreaded "get married," she is perceived as desperate. After reading all the comments from the last post, I thought "oh wow, us XX's are royally screwed," b/c I interpreted the comments like this... as a female, if you reciprocate interest (essentially show a smidgeon of wide-eyed excitement at meeting someone you are jiving with), you are desperate, & if you play games (intentionally act aloof, flutter about, etc.) you're disingenuous, manipulative or simply a B!
I wracked my brain trying to figure out what the fine balance of playing it cool & also showing interest would look like, and I just couldn't come to any kind of determination, because I think that no matter what our intentions are, a good majority of desi guys get completely freaked out (over & over again) by the majority of all us. That's because no matter how we "act," they know that with most desi girls, whether you're 26 or 36, we are likely not looking for something casual. These guys might be great guys who are really interested, but they're just not 100% sure, so instead of explore the possibility with you (& the seriousness/potential risk of what that would mean), they prefer to continue their search. & they search... & they search ... & they search some more for that one girl that they are so sure about that the seriousness of pursuing something with her does not completely freak them out.
I'm not a guy here & as always this is just my SmileMoon perception of it all, but I can't help but believe that's what's going on. Now ladies (& guys this should not be shocking to you b/c almost every girl - whether she watched Bollywood movies or not - falls into this category), I believe that since the beginning of when-we-started-liking-boys time (Mummy-Daddy-Auntie-everyone-but-Vijay-Uncle, I'm sorry to break it to you, but this was a long, looong time ago), if we're all honest with ourselves, 99.44% of us NEVER wanted anything casual EVER. Even when we ended up in obviously casual situations (that we knew in our gut were wrong & our friends advised us weren't going to go anywhere), we hoped that our simply continuing to be present & our sweet wonderful selves, that it would all eventually come together & work out. A lot of us had made & continue to make ourselves okay with casual hoping that it will eventually "work out" & turn into serious... he'll eventually realize if you just care for & love him even more, but we are too often disappointed as we painfully realize that we just wasted another few months (& sadly, sometimes years) on someone who was "just not that into us," and the absolute worst part of it all is is realizing that you should have never been into him.
I've even seen a lot of friends or heard stories of friends-of-friends tolerating a whole lot of (for less than better words) CRAP/BS... essentially, un-fulfilling relationships, subpar if not completely degrading treatment, abuse - emotional, mental, physical - & everything across the spectrum of outright sucky guys, just for the sake of not being alone & due this eternal hope of being with their "one"/having their "happy ending." My issue thankfully has never been that. I don't do friends with benefits & once I realize you have sucky character or we just won't work (& in spite of how wildly attracted to you I am), I say "peace in the Middle East, these boots were made for walking, see ya, wouldn't want to be ya!"... Sorry, I got carried away at the thought of saying all those fun things I've never actually said & would never be bold enough to say! Ha. :-P I do, however, in an as uncomfie-for-me-and-the-other-person-way-as-possible, snip-snip that relationship/situation with a quickness. (Side note on the "snip-snip," I'm pretty sure I stole that expression from someone & have made it my own, but it's a good one b/c when your gut tells you it's wrong, you need to get the snipping!) My issue has always been getting majorly distracted by the super-fun, entertaining, & in my younger years, a lil' bad-a$$ guy.
My point is... Hmm... oh wow... I swear, I had a point... Oh yeah! My point was.... Ladies, I think it's high time that we become very aware of what we are up against. The same guys who we likely ignored/rejected in our younger years & got their hearts broken or trampled on countless times by a whole lot of us (even if it was unknowingly & unintentionally), well, those guys are now the ones with a whole lot of power & seemingly infinite choices. He can choose you. He can choose the younger version of you. He can choose the non-Indian girl. He can even choose the girl from India who is possibly younger-better-looking-just-as-(if not more)-modern-educated-cooks-&-cleans version of you. Oh, & on top of ALL those options, time is also in his favor to make that choice. I'm not saying HE is not a great option or that you shouldn't be interested in HIM, but when is the last time you expanded your options...? Or actually, your "criteria"?
I can honestly say that my criteria has been in perpetual flux mode & continues to be. Back in my early twenties, I was so off in the head that my criteria read something like this... tall (5'10" kinda tall b/c that's how tall my dad & brother are), handsome, fun, funny, super sweet (always in reference to "like my brother"), North Indian (in spite of all my non-North Indian friends, that was a must), non-veg only (I know that's the opposite of a lot of desi girls & it's actually a funny story that my friends like to tell), speaks Hindi, likes Bollywood, loves to dance, max 3 years older than me, blah blah. The only thing that wasn't & I swear still isn't in my criteria is the whole "must-be-a-doctor/baller" criteria; do I like nice things & want a comfortable life? Heck yeah, but the whole concept of status is lost on me & I'm the kind of person who can be comfie anywhere & with anything; if you know what this Hindi word means, in that sense I'm very "Bindaas".
Anywho, now since that whole PARAGRAPH of criteria (my god...), I have dated a half-Indian guy, a white guy who was 3 years younger than me, & been interested in guys who range from being my height, half & even twice my body size (a slight exaggeration...) & basically the opposite of everything listed above. My "criteria" have definitely evolved just as I have, & most of the above are now non-factors (don't get me wrong, I still want to be with someone funny & sweet who I'm attracted to! :-P). Someone posted this in the comments of my last blog, & I've heard it time and time again straight from the mouths of many Indian girls (of every age) who still want Indian-only along with ALL the criteria that I had back in my young 20's plus a guy who is preferably a doctor or at least makes more $$ than them.
I know, I know, it's what we/you want so why settle & all that...? That's fair & I'm not here to judge anyone for sticking to their guns & "not settling;" all I can say though is what you already know - time waits for no one, so isn't it high time that we ALL evaluated our criteria, our actions as they relate to dating, what we ourselves have to offer (my fave line from an article I read recently is "you need to be the person you are seeking"), and instead of thinking of it as "settling" (which it is not), simply understand ourselves better & potentially evolve our criteria/deal breakers...?
Now that was directed towards my fellow ladies (that expression is any oxymoron, right...?)... having said all of that, I am in NO WAY saying that guys do not have their own criteria or in my opinion, often (just as women do) very skewed perceptions of themselves (to be later addressed in "Leagues. Who's in? Who's out? & do they exist??"). Just as guys hate on us lot of females for preferring a guy who is taller than them, I have been on dating websites & out in the real world enough to not know of very many guys out there who are seeking girls who are taller & wider than them. I think that sentiment is across the board, b/c just as most women like the "feeling" of a man who is in some way bigger than them, most men LOVE women who are significantly smaller than them & usually, the more petite the better. I also know guys have criteria on everything from age, skin color, looks, education, whether a girl can cook or not & a whole spectrum of other things. For some reason though, in spite of their having a whole slew of their own criteria, it's the women who get hated on for having theirs. Again, woe is us! :-P
Anyway, as always, all of the above is simply something to think about, & I'd like to end with a brief story about a matchmaker, Bela Gandhi, who I met yesterday at the NetIP recruitment event (side note - NetIP Chi-town - which I am not on the board of so this is a personal plug - is going to be doing a lot of great things this year & has opportunities for everyone to get involved. If you're interested in becoming a member/getting involved, def reach out to them. Someone from the board can let you know how!). Back to Bela! I hope to get to know her better & eventually share more about what she does with all of you. So while Bela, my engaged bff & I were talking, Bela mentioned an exercise that she does with people she works with that I thought all of us could benefit from. She basically has the individual reach out to 6 of his/her closest friends/relatives asking them to give a full & anonymous evaluation (that goes directly to Bela) on the person's strengths/weaknesses (as they pertain to relationships, dating, how they are perceived, etc.) as well as why they think that person is still single. Bela then processes all this information & has an at-length discussion which includes an action plan with that person. Can you imagine....? It's just as terrifying as it is exciting - knowing from your closest friends what they think your big issue/hold up is. I'm almost tempted to reach out to some of my friends & have Bela or Vijay Uncle collect this info on me & have them tell it to me like it is. Sure, I might cry & possibly want to jump off a bridge or something, but hey, I think we could all benefit from this kind of reality check because I think the good majority of us have huuuuge misperceptions of ourselves, our expectations & then some!
K, well, that's all for me. As always, thanks for reading & your comments* are always appreciated!
Write soon ~ SmileMoon :)
* As for the comments, the last post's 30+ comments were awesome, & I was thrilled at the conversation that took place (a special shout out to P.Diddy, who kind of became the "go to" guy for insight & people's opinions! :-P). I really hope everyone continues to be honest in their opinions & insights, and I beyond appreciate everyone who posted in a way that was considerate & not condescending, overly generalistic or just outright mean/unnecessary. I would hope that I wouldn't have to request this (& you are still free to post & say whatever b/c unless it gets completely inappropriate, there will be no censorship here), but let's all please try to play nice & be as kind as possible.
I'm not making that request b/c I can't handle the direct-at-SmileMoon jabs & nastiness; I knew what I was getting into when I started writing a blog on South Asian Dating. Naturally, it is really easy to say whatever when you are posting anonymously & I sense that some people get some kind of sick thrill in belittling people, but whether you know me or not, most decent people would agree that those individuals are showing what kind of character they have (my 2 personal faves were my lovely 20-something acquaintence who always gets called back & would like me off the market for 2 months as well as another kind poster with his "you must be fat & unemployed and are therefore single" implication.). At the end of the day, we are ALL a reflection of "what is out there" & the general spirit of our communicty, so my god, let's try our best to not horrify the opposite sex even more! :-P
** Disclaimer -- Warning -- Alert -- Sirens ** - this is MY take on things.... I know I've always "disclaimered" things but I'm a bit hyper-sensitive to make that clear after the backlash from the last blog where some of the comments got a little too hectic & unpleasant for my taste (particularly the last one which was pure evil*).
Now, I don't mean to be all "woe is us to be women" but excuse me while I go there for a minute... When a guy - no matter how old he may be - wants to settle down, find his "one," etc., his guy friends may raise an eyebrow (or are more like "don't do it dude!") if he's "too young," but the overall perception of him is nothing if not endearing... you know "aweeee, he's one of the good guys." When a girl - no matter how old she may be - says she wants to settle down, find her "one" & the big dreaded "get married," she is perceived as desperate. After reading all the comments from the last post, I thought "oh wow, us XX's are royally screwed," b/c I interpreted the comments like this... as a female, if you reciprocate interest (essentially show a smidgeon of wide-eyed excitement at meeting someone you are jiving with), you are desperate, & if you play games (intentionally act aloof, flutter about, etc.) you're disingenuous, manipulative or simply a B!
I wracked my brain trying to figure out what the fine balance of playing it cool & also showing interest would look like, and I just couldn't come to any kind of determination, because I think that no matter what our intentions are, a good majority of desi guys get completely freaked out (over & over again) by the majority of all us. That's because no matter how we "act," they know that with most desi girls, whether you're 26 or 36, we are likely not looking for something casual. These guys might be great guys who are really interested, but they're just not 100% sure, so instead of explore the possibility with you (& the seriousness/potential risk of what that would mean), they prefer to continue their search. & they search... & they search ... & they search some more for that one girl that they are so sure about that the seriousness of pursuing something with her does not completely freak them out.
I'm not a guy here & as always this is just my SmileMoon perception of it all, but I can't help but believe that's what's going on. Now ladies (& guys this should not be shocking to you b/c almost every girl - whether she watched Bollywood movies or not - falls into this category), I believe that since the beginning of when-we-started-liking-boys time (Mummy-Daddy-Auntie-everyone-but-Vijay-Uncle, I'm sorry to break it to you, but this was a long, looong time ago), if we're all honest with ourselves, 99.44% of us NEVER wanted anything casual EVER. Even when we ended up in obviously casual situations (that we knew in our gut were wrong & our friends advised us weren't going to go anywhere), we hoped that our simply continuing to be present & our sweet wonderful selves, that it would all eventually come together & work out. A lot of us had made & continue to make ourselves okay with casual hoping that it will eventually "work out" & turn into serious... he'll eventually realize if you just care for & love him even more, but we are too often disappointed as we painfully realize that we just wasted another few months (& sadly, sometimes years) on someone who was "just not that into us," and the absolute worst part of it all is is realizing that you should have never been into him.
I've even seen a lot of friends or heard stories of friends-of-friends tolerating a whole lot of (for less than better words) CRAP/BS... essentially, un-fulfilling relationships, subpar if not completely degrading treatment, abuse - emotional, mental, physical - & everything across the spectrum of outright sucky guys, just for the sake of not being alone & due this eternal hope of being with their "one"/having their "happy ending." My issue thankfully has never been that. I don't do friends with benefits & once I realize you have sucky character or we just won't work (& in spite of how wildly attracted to you I am), I say "peace in the Middle East, these boots were made for walking, see ya, wouldn't want to be ya!"... Sorry, I got carried away at the thought of saying all those fun things I've never actually said & would never be bold enough to say! Ha. :-P I do, however, in an as uncomfie-for-me-and-the-other-person-way-as-possible, snip-snip that relationship/situation with a quickness. (Side note on the "snip-snip," I'm pretty sure I stole that expression from someone & have made it my own, but it's a good one b/c when your gut tells you it's wrong, you need to get the snipping!) My issue has always been getting majorly distracted by the super-fun, entertaining, & in my younger years, a lil' bad-a$$ guy.
My point is... Hmm... oh wow... I swear, I had a point... Oh yeah! My point was.... Ladies, I think it's high time that we become very aware of what we are up against. The same guys who we likely ignored/rejected in our younger years & got their hearts broken or trampled on countless times by a whole lot of us (even if it was unknowingly & unintentionally), well, those guys are now the ones with a whole lot of power & seemingly infinite choices. He can choose you. He can choose the younger version of you. He can choose the non-Indian girl. He can even choose the girl from India who is possibly younger-better-looking-just-as-(if not more)-modern-educated-cooks-&-cleans version of you. Oh, & on top of ALL those options, time is also in his favor to make that choice. I'm not saying HE is not a great option or that you shouldn't be interested in HIM, but when is the last time you expanded your options...? Or actually, your "criteria"?
I can honestly say that my criteria has been in perpetual flux mode & continues to be. Back in my early twenties, I was so off in the head that my criteria read something like this... tall (5'10" kinda tall b/c that's how tall my dad & brother are), handsome, fun, funny, super sweet (always in reference to "like my brother"), North Indian (in spite of all my non-North Indian friends, that was a must), non-veg only (I know that's the opposite of a lot of desi girls & it's actually a funny story that my friends like to tell), speaks Hindi, likes Bollywood, loves to dance, max 3 years older than me, blah blah. The only thing that wasn't & I swear still isn't in my criteria is the whole "must-be-a-doctor/baller" criteria; do I like nice things & want a comfortable life? Heck yeah, but the whole concept of status is lost on me & I'm the kind of person who can be comfie anywhere & with anything; if you know what this Hindi word means, in that sense I'm very "Bindaas".
Anywho, now since that whole PARAGRAPH of criteria (my god...), I have dated a half-Indian guy, a white guy who was 3 years younger than me, & been interested in guys who range from being my height, half & even twice my body size (a slight exaggeration...) & basically the opposite of everything listed above. My "criteria" have definitely evolved just as I have, & most of the above are now non-factors (don't get me wrong, I still want to be with someone funny & sweet who I'm attracted to! :-P). Someone posted this in the comments of my last blog, & I've heard it time and time again straight from the mouths of many Indian girls (of every age) who still want Indian-only along with ALL the criteria that I had back in my young 20's plus a guy who is preferably a doctor or at least makes more $$ than them.
I know, I know, it's what we/you want so why settle & all that...? That's fair & I'm not here to judge anyone for sticking to their guns & "not settling;" all I can say though is what you already know - time waits for no one, so isn't it high time that we ALL evaluated our criteria, our actions as they relate to dating, what we ourselves have to offer (my fave line from an article I read recently is "you need to be the person you are seeking"), and instead of thinking of it as "settling" (which it is not), simply understand ourselves better & potentially evolve our criteria/deal breakers...?
Now that was directed towards my fellow ladies (that expression is any oxymoron, right...?)... having said all of that, I am in NO WAY saying that guys do not have their own criteria or in my opinion, often (just as women do) very skewed perceptions of themselves (to be later addressed in "Leagues. Who's in? Who's out? & do they exist??"). Just as guys hate on us lot of females for preferring a guy who is taller than them, I have been on dating websites & out in the real world enough to not know of very many guys out there who are seeking girls who are taller & wider than them. I think that sentiment is across the board, b/c just as most women like the "feeling" of a man who is in some way bigger than them, most men LOVE women who are significantly smaller than them & usually, the more petite the better. I also know guys have criteria on everything from age, skin color, looks, education, whether a girl can cook or not & a whole spectrum of other things. For some reason though, in spite of their having a whole slew of their own criteria, it's the women who get hated on for having theirs. Again, woe is us! :-P
Anyway, as always, all of the above is simply something to think about, & I'd like to end with a brief story about a matchmaker, Bela Gandhi, who I met yesterday at the NetIP recruitment event (side note - NetIP Chi-town - which I am not on the board of so this is a personal plug - is going to be doing a lot of great things this year & has opportunities for everyone to get involved. If you're interested in becoming a member/getting involved, def reach out to them. Someone from the board can let you know how!). Back to Bela! I hope to get to know her better & eventually share more about what she does with all of you. So while Bela, my engaged bff & I were talking, Bela mentioned an exercise that she does with people she works with that I thought all of us could benefit from. She basically has the individual reach out to 6 of his/her closest friends/relatives asking them to give a full & anonymous evaluation (that goes directly to Bela) on the person's strengths/weaknesses (as they pertain to relationships, dating, how they are perceived, etc.) as well as why they think that person is still single. Bela then processes all this information & has an at-length discussion which includes an action plan with that person. Can you imagine....? It's just as terrifying as it is exciting - knowing from your closest friends what they think your big issue/hold up is. I'm almost tempted to reach out to some of my friends & have Bela or Vijay Uncle collect this info on me & have them tell it to me like it is. Sure, I might cry & possibly want to jump off a bridge or something, but hey, I think we could all benefit from this kind of reality check because I think the good majority of us have huuuuge misperceptions of ourselves, our expectations & then some!
K, well, that's all for me. As always, thanks for reading & your comments* are always appreciated!
Write soon ~ SmileMoon :)
* As for the comments, the last post's 30+ comments were awesome, & I was thrilled at the conversation that took place (a special shout out to P.Diddy, who kind of became the "go to" guy for insight & people's opinions! :-P). I really hope everyone continues to be honest in their opinions & insights, and I beyond appreciate everyone who posted in a way that was considerate & not condescending, overly generalistic or just outright mean/unnecessary. I would hope that I wouldn't have to request this (& you are still free to post & say whatever b/c unless it gets completely inappropriate, there will be no censorship here), but let's all please try to play nice & be as kind as possible.
I'm not making that request b/c I can't handle the direct-at-SmileMoon jabs & nastiness; I knew what I was getting into when I started writing a blog on South Asian Dating. Naturally, it is really easy to say whatever when you are posting anonymously & I sense that some people get some kind of sick thrill in belittling people, but whether you know me or not, most decent people would agree that those individuals are showing what kind of character they have (my 2 personal faves were my lovely 20-something acquaintence who always gets called back & would like me off the market for 2 months as well as another kind poster with his "you must be fat & unemployed and are therefore single" implication.). At the end of the day, we are ALL a reflection of "what is out there" & the general spirit of our communicty, so my god, let's try our best to not horrify the opposite sex even more! :-P
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Getting her #, but not calling it...
This first part was added after the original blog posting & you will understand why after you read the expansive thread of comments at the end. Below is (as is every other posting) MY personal preference & any recommendations are just that; I am NOT trying to imply any dating "rules" or encourage game-playing, but simply that everyone evaluate their current dating behaviors/standards/M.O. & consider if possibly changing them up in some way might produce different results. Also, for those first time visitors, whether you like what you're reading here or not, I'd encourage you to read some of my other postings like the first one on why I started this blog, "Sometimes I wish I was in the motherland" or "New Year's Resolutions." Apparently, this somehow ended up being a very heated topic that people have very strong viewpoints on & irrespective of some of the hateration being thrown my way, I think the conversation that's finally happening is great. I hope you enjoy & also share your thoughts....
Ah... getting her (my) number, but not calling it... that could be the theme of my dating world in the past year plus & that of many of my girlfriends as well. Now fellas, I know you've been in this scenario on the flip side - where you talk to a girl, get her #, you actually do call her, it goes to VM & then you never hear back from her. Yes, that is awful... I'm not saying I've never done it (if you haven't read about my issue w/ being too nice, please see the end of my New Year's Resolution blog), & I really do apologize, b/c there have been a few instances (& honestly, just a few!) where b/c of a mostly awkward conversation for me (but an apparently good one for him), my inability to show disinterest & kindly get out of the interaction, and tremendously absurd guilt that I shouldn't have for someone I just met, I have given my # to a few guys that I had no intention of really communicating with. Ba-aaad SmileMoon, & I promise I am reformed and am following my resolution of not being "so darned nice."
So maybe this past year plus has simply been Karma being a you-know-what (Dear Bhagvan-ji, I think I've reaped the fruits of my actions & then some - please forgive meeee!), but I am really in awe of how many times I have really hit it off with someone (or at least so I thought) - or that a girlfriend of mine has (I'm seeing it & so is the rest of the world - it's not in her mind) - & a guy asks for our #, may even talk about meeting up/wanting to take us out sometime, etc., and then either we never hear from him at all or, we get (which I will expand upon, but most of us think is even worse) a text or a Facebook friend request some time later with possibly some random banter but nada about ever actually meeting up.... & ultimately, things never graduate beyond texting or Facebook. Unless your age ends in "-teen," I'm sorry, but to this latter behavior (staying in touch via e-only methods), I have to say (& many of my girlfriends agree) LA-AAAAAME.
First off, I really don't know very many guys who are plagued with SmileMoon "I feel bad" guilt syndrome, so I can't believe that is what's going on. From what I know about guys, when they spend time talking to us, offer to buy us a drink, continue talking to us or find us again & again when we are out somewhere, us silly girls take this as "he is interested." Some of you, we come to understand your real intentions - unfortunately sometimes after wasting too much time talking to you - when you try to get us to continue the night way past reasonable hours "just us," & then when we say that we have to go home, we are not dumb enough to have any expectation that you'll be in touch nor do we want you to. However, it's the seemingly really decent good guys that we talk to (that don't seem wasted out of their minds) when we're out & feel like we have a real (& mutual) connection with and who aren't trying to take us home with them, that we are a little bit (personally, I'm massively) in awe of.
Guys, I'd like to request you the following for the sake of me, my girlfriends & your own dating karma if you are at all worried about it. & if not your karma, maybe just your potential dating reputation. If you are not interested (& that is a-okay or omigoodness, if you have a GIRLFRIEND as I've found out after-the-fact at least a handful of times), but just think we're really fun to talk to, maybe say something like this early on in the conversation... "My girlfriend blah blah...." or... "you seem like a really fun/cool/interesting girl, I have some great guy friends I'd love for you to meet"... "see any guys you're interested in here tonight?"... Those all might be super lame or are just not viable things people would say, but I don't know, say something that makes your intentions clear. No, we do not just get super excited at the first guy we talk to who pays us some attention, & we used to think we were pretty good at reading you guys, but as of lately, not so much.
If at the end of the night, you are not interested-interested & would like to stay friends with her, there's nothing wrong with that. I don't know if any of this would fly, but maybe you could say "hey, it was great talking to you" and..."I'd love to hang out as friends sometime" or "I have friends, you have friends & we can all be friends (concept courtesy Biggie)".... or "hope to see you around again." Again, I don't know if any of that would work, but come up with something that suits you & then DO NOT get her #. I have recently averted giving a few guys my # who I knew I wasn't interested in & didn't want to lead on, and it honestly felt really good whereas before I would naively think "well maybe he's just asking as a friend & I don't want to be rude." I know, I know.... for someone who writes a dating blog, I am pretty uh-duhhh sometimes! :-P & remember guys, YOU are the ones who told us that you don't ask for our #s or make the effort if you're not interested, so please stop confusing the heck out of us.
Now, if you DO get her # & you really ARE interested and would like to see this girl again, then God Bless America, please pay attention... a text or two soon after your first meeting is a-okay (like that night, the next day) saying "hey great meeting you, will call you to plan something" (listen, this kind of verbage is not my forte, so I'm just throwing random stuff out here! :-P) Then, within the next day or two (this is not a hard & fast #, but don't let a week go by), CALL HER. If I could have underlined that for even more emphasis, I would have! Per my recent "E-communicating rules" (see previous blog posts from October), once I've given you my # & you either choose to only text/Facebook me, if I end up accepting your FB request (my rule was that if I'm actually interested in you & we start talking/dating/etc., I wouldn't accept for at least a month for the sake of actually having to get to know each other in the real world), it's because I've decided I'm not interested any more. Side note - the only time a FB contact is okay in my book is if there wasn't a chance for us to exchange info whenever we met; if you have my # are still trying to ask me out via FB, that just doesn't fly for me. Now calling her does not mean you have to have an at-length conversation (since I've heard plenty of people - guys & girls alike - tell me "they don't have time for the phone & texting is more convenient"); it can be a simple "hey, I'm on my way out to... or I just got back from & am in a rush... but I was wondering if you can get together for dinner/drinks on.... (girl: "Sure, that works").... Perfect, blah blah... see you then!"
Fellas, I cannot tell you this enough, if you are really interested & you CALL, you get TREMENDOUS bonus points from at least 95% of the females that I know. You immediately put yourself in a whole other category with a simple phone call & elevate your dating reputation (regardless of whether a relationship develops or not), because just like all of you talk about all of us/relationship/dating, when our girlfriends who saw us talking to you that night we were all out, ask "hey, did so & so call?," we tell them the truth of "nope, he texted" or "nope, never heard from him again" (which as much as it sucks, is far better than the random-never-goes-anywhere e-communicating).
So, in summary, just because she talked to you for a good part of the night, if at the end of that convo you decide that you're not interested, then don't get her # because you feel like you should. She might be confused because you sure seemed like you were & then there's always the whole "why didn't he get my #?" issue, but I promise, that's better than the alternative scenario.
Now ladies, here's some advice for you as well... what this past year of the call-that-never-happens taught me, is not to spend too much time talking to any one guy in any given night (before anyone calls me out, it's been 11 days since my New Year's Resolutions & I'm still practicing! :-D) Here is what I recommend doing when you meet a guy who catches your eye & you catch his (or at least so it seems) & I apologize if any of this sounds like game playing, but I think it's become a necessity based on the current circumstances. Say your "hi's, hello's" & basic introduction and be on your merry way. If you felt a spark, that's great, but politely say something like "hey, it was nice meeting you. One of my girlfriends is waiting for me. I'll talk to/see you later" & then walk away. If he felt a spark, he will come & find you. Even if he does & irrespective of how many times, just because of how flattered you are, how special you feel, or omg, how much you really like-like him, DO NOT end up in a mini-committed talking/dancing/hanging out-relationship with him that evening. Remember, you might never hear from this guy again, & there could have been other guys who were possibly interested in you, but who got the loud & clear "she's with THAT guy" message so they naturally didn't bother. The worst is that the guy you spent all night talking to might not call you, but another potential guy might not ever try again simply because of the interaction he saw the first time. Trust me, guys are very observant & sensitive to these things. Also, remember, guys are constantly considering their options, so why is that as girls, we feel so committed or obligated b/c someone started talking to us or even when we first start dating someone...?
& if you are someone who loves text-only communicating, then hey, that's awesome & there's no judgment here, but if you are like me & you are the anti-fan of e-communicating, -flirting, etc., then in some kind of playful/sweet/direct way (I think my new thing is going to be "hey, I think I'm getting carpal tunnel's syndrome. call me sometime!" :-P) let him know that you prefer communicating on the phone or meeting up in person. If he lets you know back that he prefers e-communicating, well, it's probably not a match, & at the end of the day, all of this just boils down to personal preference.
I know some guys & girls out there are thinking "wow, SmileMoon, thank you for making this process even more difficult," & to that, I'd like to say if making or taking a phone call is too much effort for you, then you should seriously consider how serious you actually are about meeting someone. & on a personal level, the "no time" or "more convenient" excuse simply doesn't fly in my book - I am someone who makes a whole lot of effort & then some towards the people I care about in my life, so I don't befriend or date people who are such minimalists in their efforts. Lastly, when it comes to my blog in general, these are all simply insights into my dating experiences & those of friends (including many of my guy friends) and yes, I'm making some recommendations based on them. However, I'm not delusional enough to think that anything I'm saying here is going to change how people date, but if at least one guy or girl out there gets some insight & gets it together, then that's great. What would be really great though is if those of you have thoughts on what I'm writing & want to give your perspective or experience would please post comments (you can do so anonymously)... ideally, this blog will move away from a one-sided SmileMoon conversation. On a side note, to those of you who do comment or write to me privately, I really do appreciate it.
Ok everyone, thanks for reading. Write soon ~ SmileMoon :)
Ah... getting her (my) number, but not calling it... that could be the theme of my dating world in the past year plus & that of many of my girlfriends as well. Now fellas, I know you've been in this scenario on the flip side - where you talk to a girl, get her #, you actually do call her, it goes to VM & then you never hear back from her. Yes, that is awful... I'm not saying I've never done it (if you haven't read about my issue w/ being too nice, please see the end of my New Year's Resolution blog), & I really do apologize, b/c there have been a few instances (& honestly, just a few!) where b/c of a mostly awkward conversation for me (but an apparently good one for him), my inability to show disinterest & kindly get out of the interaction, and tremendously absurd guilt that I shouldn't have for someone I just met, I have given my # to a few guys that I had no intention of really communicating with. Ba-aaad SmileMoon, & I promise I am reformed and am following my resolution of not being "so darned nice."
So maybe this past year plus has simply been Karma being a you-know-what (Dear Bhagvan-ji, I think I've reaped the fruits of my actions & then some - please forgive meeee!), but I am really in awe of how many times I have really hit it off with someone (or at least so I thought) - or that a girlfriend of mine has (I'm seeing it & so is the rest of the world - it's not in her mind) - & a guy asks for our #, may even talk about meeting up/wanting to take us out sometime, etc., and then either we never hear from him at all or, we get (which I will expand upon, but most of us think is even worse) a text or a Facebook friend request some time later with possibly some random banter but nada about ever actually meeting up.... & ultimately, things never graduate beyond texting or Facebook. Unless your age ends in "-teen," I'm sorry, but to this latter behavior (staying in touch via e-only methods), I have to say (& many of my girlfriends agree) LA-AAAAAME.
First off, I really don't know very many guys who are plagued with SmileMoon "I feel bad" guilt syndrome, so I can't believe that is what's going on. From what I know about guys, when they spend time talking to us, offer to buy us a drink, continue talking to us or find us again & again when we are out somewhere, us silly girls take this as "he is interested." Some of you, we come to understand your real intentions - unfortunately sometimes after wasting too much time talking to you - when you try to get us to continue the night way past reasonable hours "just us," & then when we say that we have to go home, we are not dumb enough to have any expectation that you'll be in touch nor do we want you to. However, it's the seemingly really decent good guys that we talk to (that don't seem wasted out of their minds) when we're out & feel like we have a real (& mutual) connection with and who aren't trying to take us home with them, that we are a little bit (personally, I'm massively) in awe of.
Guys, I'd like to request you the following for the sake of me, my girlfriends & your own dating karma if you are at all worried about it. & if not your karma, maybe just your potential dating reputation. If you are not interested (& that is a-okay or omigoodness, if you have a GIRLFRIEND as I've found out after-the-fact at least a handful of times), but just think we're really fun to talk to, maybe say something like this early on in the conversation... "My girlfriend blah blah...." or... "you seem like a really fun/cool/interesting girl, I have some great guy friends I'd love for you to meet"... "see any guys you're interested in here tonight?"... Those all might be super lame or are just not viable things people would say, but I don't know, say something that makes your intentions clear. No, we do not just get super excited at the first guy we talk to who pays us some attention, & we used to think we were pretty good at reading you guys, but as of lately, not so much.
If at the end of the night, you are not interested-interested & would like to stay friends with her, there's nothing wrong with that. I don't know if any of this would fly, but maybe you could say "hey, it was great talking to you" and..."I'd love to hang out as friends sometime" or "I have friends, you have friends & we can all be friends (concept courtesy Biggie)".... or "hope to see you around again." Again, I don't know if any of that would work, but come up with something that suits you & then DO NOT get her #. I have recently averted giving a few guys my # who I knew I wasn't interested in & didn't want to lead on, and it honestly felt really good whereas before I would naively think "well maybe he's just asking as a friend & I don't want to be rude." I know, I know.... for someone who writes a dating blog, I am pretty uh-duhhh sometimes! :-P & remember guys, YOU are the ones who told us that you don't ask for our #s or make the effort if you're not interested, so please stop confusing the heck out of us.
Now, if you DO get her # & you really ARE interested and would like to see this girl again, then God Bless America, please pay attention... a text or two soon after your first meeting is a-okay (like that night, the next day) saying "hey great meeting you, will call you to plan something" (listen, this kind of verbage is not my forte, so I'm just throwing random stuff out here! :-P) Then, within the next day or two (this is not a hard & fast #, but don't let a week go by), CALL HER. If I could have underlined that for even more emphasis, I would have! Per my recent "E-communicating rules" (see previous blog posts from October), once I've given you my # & you either choose to only text/Facebook me, if I end up accepting your FB request (my rule was that if I'm actually interested in you & we start talking/dating/etc., I wouldn't accept for at least a month for the sake of actually having to get to know each other in the real world), it's because I've decided I'm not interested any more. Side note - the only time a FB contact is okay in my book is if there wasn't a chance for us to exchange info whenever we met; if you have my # are still trying to ask me out via FB, that just doesn't fly for me. Now calling her does not mean you have to have an at-length conversation (since I've heard plenty of people - guys & girls alike - tell me "they don't have time for the phone & texting is more convenient"); it can be a simple "hey, I'm on my way out to... or I just got back from & am in a rush... but I was wondering if you can get together for dinner/drinks on.... (girl: "Sure, that works").... Perfect, blah blah... see you then!"
Fellas, I cannot tell you this enough, if you are really interested & you CALL, you get TREMENDOUS bonus points from at least 95% of the females that I know. You immediately put yourself in a whole other category with a simple phone call & elevate your dating reputation (regardless of whether a relationship develops or not), because just like all of you talk about all of us/relationship/dating, when our girlfriends who saw us talking to you that night we were all out, ask "hey, did so & so call?," we tell them the truth of "nope, he texted" or "nope, never heard from him again" (which as much as it sucks, is far better than the random-never-goes-anywhere e-communicating).
So, in summary, just because she talked to you for a good part of the night, if at the end of that convo you decide that you're not interested, then don't get her # because you feel like you should. She might be confused because you sure seemed like you were & then there's always the whole "why didn't he get my #?" issue, but I promise, that's better than the alternative scenario.
Now ladies, here's some advice for you as well... what this past year of the call-that-never-happens taught me, is not to spend too much time talking to any one guy in any given night (before anyone calls me out, it's been 11 days since my New Year's Resolutions & I'm still practicing! :-D) Here is what I recommend doing when you meet a guy who catches your eye & you catch his (or at least so it seems) & I apologize if any of this sounds like game playing, but I think it's become a necessity based on the current circumstances. Say your "hi's, hello's" & basic introduction and be on your merry way. If you felt a spark, that's great, but politely say something like "hey, it was nice meeting you. One of my girlfriends is waiting for me. I'll talk to/see you later" & then walk away. If he felt a spark, he will come & find you. Even if he does & irrespective of how many times, just because of how flattered you are, how special you feel, or omg, how much you really like-like him, DO NOT end up in a mini-committed talking/dancing/hanging out-relationship with him that evening. Remember, you might never hear from this guy again, & there could have been other guys who were possibly interested in you, but who got the loud & clear "she's with THAT guy" message so they naturally didn't bother. The worst is that the guy you spent all night talking to might not call you, but another potential guy might not ever try again simply because of the interaction he saw the first time. Trust me, guys are very observant & sensitive to these things. Also, remember, guys are constantly considering their options, so why is that as girls, we feel so committed or obligated b/c someone started talking to us or even when we first start dating someone...?
& if you are someone who loves text-only communicating, then hey, that's awesome & there's no judgment here, but if you are like me & you are the anti-fan of e-communicating, -flirting, etc., then in some kind of playful/sweet/direct way (I think my new thing is going to be "hey, I think I'm getting carpal tunnel's syndrome. call me sometime!" :-P) let him know that you prefer communicating on the phone or meeting up in person. If he lets you know back that he prefers e-communicating, well, it's probably not a match, & at the end of the day, all of this just boils down to personal preference.
I know some guys & girls out there are thinking "wow, SmileMoon, thank you for making this process even more difficult," & to that, I'd like to say if making or taking a phone call is too much effort for you, then you should seriously consider how serious you actually are about meeting someone. & on a personal level, the "no time" or "more convenient" excuse simply doesn't fly in my book - I am someone who makes a whole lot of effort & then some towards the people I care about in my life, so I don't befriend or date people who are such minimalists in their efforts. Lastly, when it comes to my blog in general, these are all simply insights into my dating experiences & those of friends (including many of my guy friends) and yes, I'm making some recommendations based on them. However, I'm not delusional enough to think that anything I'm saying here is going to change how people date, but if at least one guy or girl out there gets some insight & gets it together, then that's great. What would be really great though is if those of you have thoughts on what I'm writing & want to give your perspective or experience would please post comments (you can do so anonymously)... ideally, this blog will move away from a one-sided SmileMoon conversation. On a side note, to those of you who do comment or write to me privately, I really do appreciate it.
Ok everyone, thanks for reading. Write soon ~ SmileMoon :)
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Everyone is doing it...
Getting on Vijay Uncle's Seriously Looking Albums that is! Ha, I know, so sneaky with my subject, but I knew that was a sure thing for getting people here. :-P
As always, if you don't know who Vijay Uncle is by now (I'd say "what rock are you under?" but I had no idea until my trip to NetIP Toronto), please go to my very first blog posting back in September where you'll learn all about him & how my blog was inspired by meeting him. His website is VijayUncle.com, if you are connected through some people he knows on Facebook, he will befriend you & as I explained in a previous posting, he has launched a process called "Infrared Dating." (Please also see the comment I'm posting with Vijay Uncle's information & how to get involved in the process)
Now, if you are Vijay Uncle's friend on Facebook, in the past few weeks, you've seen a flurry of pictures & profiles added to his albums (come on... you know you've clicked through them) & you might have even thought "Hmmm... should I be on this site? No wait, it's too bold/out there/whatever." Yes, it is bold by common standards, but it shouldn't be because these individuals participating in Infrared Dating are simply putting out there that they are (what we all say we are, but that a good majority of us likely aren't or Uncle at least wouldn't deem so by our actions)... SERIOUSLY LOOKING. Again, supposedly like most of us, these individuals do not want their next relationship to be casual; they want to meet "the one" & are willing to be on the fast track plan of getting to know each other & ultimately, get married (not in X # of years, but on the one year or less plan).
If that whole idea frightens you, Vijay Uncle & I are sorry to break it to you, but you probably aren't seriously looking, and if you're just one of those people who needs well more than 6 months to "really get to know whether someone is 'the one,'" you also wouldn't qualify. I've said it before & I'll say it again, at this stage (& age) in our life, finding out & understanding the core character & personality traits in someone should not take more than 6 months. On that note, if you are in a situation where you are sure about the person you are dating after a few months & your boyf/girlf is still in "TBD" mode about you, think long & hard about the he/she is just not that into you phenomenon & whether you might possibly be wasting your time. Remember, getting married is not something a person should have to be convinced to do & I promise you that if you bargain, deal or threaten your way into one, you are going to regret it (if you didn't read the CNN interview article with "Eat, Pray, Love" author, Elizabeth Gilbert, definitely check out the below at the end).
Another thing to consider is this... most of our parents either met each other at the mandap, maybe for one formal meeting before that, or possibly if they were really lucky, a few times beforehand. That was it. Are they all madly in love? Nope, but the vast majority of them love each other, the families they've made, & the time they've shared together. Remember, there's a 50+% divorce rate in our American society all based on love marriages, so I really don't think we can say that one system is better than the other. Now I'm not saying I want to go back to the days of arranged marriages, but I am also not a fan of the way things are nowadays where people are perpetually getting into & out of relationships and are forever needing more time to "figure it out."
Anywho, I digress (I know, shocking :-P) So now what exactly is Infrared Dating? Well, unlike some of the dating websites out there (that I still think people should try & I'll be sharing some stories on them later), the person you are meeting online is not a mystery person because everyone is connected to Vijay Uncle. He communicates with the individuals posting about their experiences, what they are looking for, etc., before they go up on the album. Once a person posts their profile (everyone has to provide basic information about themselves including "Dealbreakers"), if someone expresses interest, Vijay Uncle will pass that information along to the other person. However, this is where Infrared Dating is very different - there is accountability. It's really easy to "Decline" the guy/girl on Shaadi.com who you don't know & will never likely see again, but in Infrared dating, if someone expresses interest & you say you aren't interested back right from the get go, that's fine, but Uncle will need to know why. If you then continue to reject every person who gets in touch with you from out the outset, Uncle will probably need to have a talk to you about how serious you really are & what exactly is that you are looking for. Lastly, if you & someone start communicating, he will also ask for updates, and again, if a person completely flakes without any word, Uncle will know about it. & if you stop communicating with someone entirely, Uncle will ask you to provide feedback to him so he can convey it to the other person. For example, you think you're wildly entertaining & funny; however, 3 girls who spoke with you thought you were a complete bore; it will suck to hear it, but its important to know.
I understand that that kind of accountability can be scary for some, but if you are looking for a process that is completely transparent, then Vijay Uncle's Infrared Dating is where it's at. From the beginning, there have always been twice as many females in the Seriously Looking albums than males & all I can say to that is fellas, whether they are in the albums or not (Uncle, correct me if I'm wrong on people outside of the album being able to express interest), there are a whole lot of ladies out there who are friends with Vijay Uncle & looking, and they might just be so inspired to reach out to you. Also, by putting yourself in Uncle's album, you are making a strong statement to women that you are the ultimate in seriousness - something that most women are not finding in men nowadays no matter what their age.
Before anyone so kindly calls me out on it, some of you may have noticed that I was in the album previously & then took myself out; that was because I was talking to someone & felt weird being up there, but that was a premature move. As Uncle kindly pointed out to me "SmileMoon, it has been more than four months since our conversation in Toronto. You need to constantly come up with new strategies and execute them. If you keep doing the same thing you have done in the past and expect a different results, that is called dreams and not a goal. So focus on coming up with better way to meet that special someone and move the process right along once you meet him." True story, I have made no progress whatsover & I may have actually regressed! :-P Thankfully, '09 is over & you'll be proud to know that in '10, I've already been far more proactive than I have ever been in my life about meeting someone. I will be re-joining the album - that is if Uncle will have me & hopefully, I won't end up getting booted. For the first time on Shaadi.com, I searched for guys & expressed interest in someone complete with a personalized message. Come on now, that is huge - normally, I just sit around waiting to be contacted! I also reached out to a few of my friends who are in relationships either locally or elsewhere, & told them that in spite of 6 months of probably being the most social I have ever been in my life nothing was developing on the relationship front, so I asked them to reach out to their networks (in the most non-awkward way possible) to see if they or someone knew of any good guys for me; I even included "bio-data pics." :)
Lastly, I also made a very conscious decision to change up my social scene in '10; I honestly believe that sometimes we become so social, routinized in all our fun activities, & are having so much fun with our friends (who are also single which puts very little pressure on anyone) that the entire group can end up having very little motivation to move themselves towards the "in a relationship/getting married" direction. This is no unlove to my group of friends nor is this a breaking up with them ('cuz I heart all of you); this is simply a realization that since I can't turn my girlfriends into boys & it is very unlikely that I am going to date anyone within my friend circle at this point (or it honestly would have happened by now), for the sake of accomplishing my "big goal" as Vijay Uncle calls it, I'm simply changing up what I'm doing. It's something I honestly recommend that everyone does - start meeting new people & making new friends, participate in different social activities, etc... keep in mind that with a massive group of friends, an introduction of one "new girl/guy" into the group every now & then, who everyone gets really excited about b/c everyone is looking is simply not enough to help meet everyone's goals. & let's be honest, how many new guys/girls does anyone within the group really ever end up dating??
Anyway, there you have it, a little bit again about InfraRed dating & a little about SmileMoon trying to shake things up. Remember everyone, many years have passed where we've all done the same thing (mostly, think that the woman/man of our dreams will fall right into our figurative laps) expecting different results, and thankfully, we were all given a fresh new year to start doing things differently.
Good luck to everyone with that & write soon ~ SmileMoon
** From the CNN Interview with Elizabeth Gilbert **
CNN: Marriage has often been portrayed as something that protects women. But you found in your book that it benefits men the most. Were you surprised by that?
Gilbert: It's surprising, though it shouldn't be. Looking at study after study, it becomes quite chilling to see how very much benefited men are by marriage. Married men perform in life exceptionally better than single men, they live longer, they're richer, they're happier.
CNN: And yet men are often reluctant to enter into marriage.
Gilbert: Which is the big irony. They have to be dragged kicking and screaming into something that will benefit them enormously in life. And the cruel irony is that the people who drag them kicking and screaming into it -- the women -- are the ones who often find that they've gotten the short end of the stick.
As always, if you don't know who Vijay Uncle is by now (I'd say "what rock are you under?" but I had no idea until my trip to NetIP Toronto), please go to my very first blog posting back in September where you'll learn all about him & how my blog was inspired by meeting him. His website is VijayUncle.com, if you are connected through some people he knows on Facebook, he will befriend you & as I explained in a previous posting, he has launched a process called "Infrared Dating." (Please also see the comment I'm posting with Vijay Uncle's information & how to get involved in the process)
Now, if you are Vijay Uncle's friend on Facebook, in the past few weeks, you've seen a flurry of pictures & profiles added to his albums (come on... you know you've clicked through them) & you might have even thought "Hmmm... should I be on this site? No wait, it's too bold/out there/whatever." Yes, it is bold by common standards, but it shouldn't be because these individuals participating in Infrared Dating are simply putting out there that they are (what we all say we are, but that a good majority of us likely aren't or Uncle at least wouldn't deem so by our actions)... SERIOUSLY LOOKING. Again, supposedly like most of us, these individuals do not want their next relationship to be casual; they want to meet "the one" & are willing to be on the fast track plan of getting to know each other & ultimately, get married (not in X # of years, but on the one year or less plan).
If that whole idea frightens you, Vijay Uncle & I are sorry to break it to you, but you probably aren't seriously looking, and if you're just one of those people who needs well more than 6 months to "really get to know whether someone is 'the one,'" you also wouldn't qualify. I've said it before & I'll say it again, at this stage (& age) in our life, finding out & understanding the core character & personality traits in someone should not take more than 6 months. On that note, if you are in a situation where you are sure about the person you are dating after a few months & your boyf/girlf is still in "TBD" mode about you, think long & hard about the he/she is just not that into you phenomenon & whether you might possibly be wasting your time. Remember, getting married is not something a person should have to be convinced to do & I promise you that if you bargain, deal or threaten your way into one, you are going to regret it (if you didn't read the CNN interview article with "Eat, Pray, Love" author, Elizabeth Gilbert, definitely check out the below at the end).
Another thing to consider is this... most of our parents either met each other at the mandap, maybe for one formal meeting before that, or possibly if they were really lucky, a few times beforehand. That was it. Are they all madly in love? Nope, but the vast majority of them love each other, the families they've made, & the time they've shared together. Remember, there's a 50+% divorce rate in our American society all based on love marriages, so I really don't think we can say that one system is better than the other. Now I'm not saying I want to go back to the days of arranged marriages, but I am also not a fan of the way things are nowadays where people are perpetually getting into & out of relationships and are forever needing more time to "figure it out."
Anywho, I digress (I know, shocking :-P) So now what exactly is Infrared Dating? Well, unlike some of the dating websites out there (that I still think people should try & I'll be sharing some stories on them later), the person you are meeting online is not a mystery person because everyone is connected to Vijay Uncle. He communicates with the individuals posting about their experiences, what they are looking for, etc., before they go up on the album. Once a person posts their profile (everyone has to provide basic information about themselves including "Dealbreakers"), if someone expresses interest, Vijay Uncle will pass that information along to the other person. However, this is where Infrared Dating is very different - there is accountability. It's really easy to "Decline" the guy/girl on Shaadi.com who you don't know & will never likely see again, but in Infrared dating, if someone expresses interest & you say you aren't interested back right from the get go, that's fine, but Uncle will need to know why. If you then continue to reject every person who gets in touch with you from out the outset, Uncle will probably need to have a talk to you about how serious you really are & what exactly is that you are looking for. Lastly, if you & someone start communicating, he will also ask for updates, and again, if a person completely flakes without any word, Uncle will know about it. & if you stop communicating with someone entirely, Uncle will ask you to provide feedback to him so he can convey it to the other person. For example, you think you're wildly entertaining & funny; however, 3 girls who spoke with you thought you were a complete bore; it will suck to hear it, but its important to know.
I understand that that kind of accountability can be scary for some, but if you are looking for a process that is completely transparent, then Vijay Uncle's Infrared Dating is where it's at. From the beginning, there have always been twice as many females in the Seriously Looking albums than males & all I can say to that is fellas, whether they are in the albums or not (Uncle, correct me if I'm wrong on people outside of the album being able to express interest), there are a whole lot of ladies out there who are friends with Vijay Uncle & looking, and they might just be so inspired to reach out to you. Also, by putting yourself in Uncle's album, you are making a strong statement to women that you are the ultimate in seriousness - something that most women are not finding in men nowadays no matter what their age.
Before anyone so kindly calls me out on it, some of you may have noticed that I was in the album previously & then took myself out; that was because I was talking to someone & felt weird being up there, but that was a premature move. As Uncle kindly pointed out to me "SmileMoon, it has been more than four months since our conversation in Toronto. You need to constantly come up with new strategies and execute them. If you keep doing the same thing you have done in the past and expect a different results, that is called dreams and not a goal. So focus on coming up with better way to meet that special someone and move the process right along once you meet him." True story, I have made no progress whatsover & I may have actually regressed! :-P Thankfully, '09 is over & you'll be proud to know that in '10, I've already been far more proactive than I have ever been in my life about meeting someone. I will be re-joining the album - that is if Uncle will have me & hopefully, I won't end up getting booted. For the first time on Shaadi.com, I searched for guys & expressed interest in someone complete with a personalized message. Come on now, that is huge - normally, I just sit around waiting to be contacted! I also reached out to a few of my friends who are in relationships either locally or elsewhere, & told them that in spite of 6 months of probably being the most social I have ever been in my life nothing was developing on the relationship front, so I asked them to reach out to their networks (in the most non-awkward way possible) to see if they or someone knew of any good guys for me; I even included "bio-data pics." :)
Lastly, I also made a very conscious decision to change up my social scene in '10; I honestly believe that sometimes we become so social, routinized in all our fun activities, & are having so much fun with our friends (who are also single which puts very little pressure on anyone) that the entire group can end up having very little motivation to move themselves towards the "in a relationship/getting married" direction. This is no unlove to my group of friends nor is this a breaking up with them ('cuz I heart all of you); this is simply a realization that since I can't turn my girlfriends into boys & it is very unlikely that I am going to date anyone within my friend circle at this point (or it honestly would have happened by now), for the sake of accomplishing my "big goal" as Vijay Uncle calls it, I'm simply changing up what I'm doing. It's something I honestly recommend that everyone does - start meeting new people & making new friends, participate in different social activities, etc... keep in mind that with a massive group of friends, an introduction of one "new girl/guy" into the group every now & then, who everyone gets really excited about b/c everyone is looking is simply not enough to help meet everyone's goals. & let's be honest, how many new guys/girls does anyone within the group really ever end up dating??
Anyway, there you have it, a little bit again about InfraRed dating & a little about SmileMoon trying to shake things up. Remember everyone, many years have passed where we've all done the same thing (mostly, think that the woman/man of our dreams will fall right into our figurative laps) expecting different results, and thankfully, we were all given a fresh new year to start doing things differently.
Good luck to everyone with that & write soon ~ SmileMoon
** From the CNN Interview with Elizabeth Gilbert **
CNN: Marriage has often been portrayed as something that protects women. But you found in your book that it benefits men the most. Were you surprised by that?
Gilbert: It's surprising, though it shouldn't be. Looking at study after study, it becomes quite chilling to see how very much benefited men are by marriage. Married men perform in life exceptionally better than single men, they live longer, they're richer, they're happier.
CNN: And yet men are often reluctant to enter into marriage.
Gilbert: Which is the big irony. They have to be dragged kicking and screaming into something that will benefit them enormously in life. And the cruel irony is that the people who drag them kicking and screaming into it -- the women -- are the ones who often find that they've gotten the short end of the stick.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
2 interesting articles
1) http://www.cnn.com/2010/LIVING/01/05/elizabeth.gilbert.marriage.book/index.html - An interview with Elizabeth Gilbert, the author of "Eat, Pray, Love," in an interview about her own marriage(s) & upcoming book, "Committed." The part about cultures that move away from arranged marriages to romantic marriages & divorce rates as well as marriage benefiting men more than women are both very interesting...
2) http://www.eyeweekly.com/article/55882 - Although this is geared towards those experiencing a "Quarter Life Crisis," I think many of us past (& we-eeell past) the quarter stage can relate to the sentiments described in this article. I particular like the whole bit about Facebook, because I could've sworn I said almost the same exact thing in my "Down w/ E-communicating" blog - go me! :-P
Thanks Eva & Palak (respectively) for sending these to me & more to come specifically for the 20-something (females only) in a few posts...
As always thanks for reading & a huge thank you to everyone who's been reaching out to me about your own experiences & thoughts on the blog.
Write soon ~ SmileMoon :)
Monday, January 4, 2010
Random Tips
(For a little New Year inspiration - or so I'd like to think - please check out my posting from 2 days ago called "New Year's Resolutions)
Ok, so... for those of you who missed my random coronary artery disease posting some time ago, you also missed me saying that I'd be using this blog to share all kinds of information - mostly dating & relationship stuff, but your random health or life-in-general stuff as well every now & then. Seriously, these are really random all-over-the-place tips, but they are things I learned this last year (& maybe a few I've learned before but have been really effective):
Ok, so... for those of you who missed my random coronary artery disease posting some time ago, you also missed me saying that I'd be using this blog to share all kinds of information - mostly dating & relationship stuff, but your random health or life-in-general stuff as well every now & then. Seriously, these are really random all-over-the-place tips, but they are things I learned this last year (& maybe a few I've learned before but have been really effective):
- Read the fine print on your gift cards (& Groupon coupons!) & try to use them as soon as possible. Tons of businesses are closing & if they do, they've got your or the gifter's money for good with no recourse for you on getting your goodies, services, etc. Also, quite a few company's deduct a monthly service fee after a certain # of months which is quite rude, but hey, it's in the fine print. I'm the queen of having gift cards, not carrying them with me & then thinking "D'oh!" as I'm checking out at a store. Note to SmileMoon: stop doing that!
- Always be looking for jobs, maintain your personal/professional network & be ready to leave with a quickness. I have to say that I did not have an inkling of a clue that I was going to get laid off. I definitely got comfortable in my role & thought I'd become a bit indispensible; yep, someone had lied to me & sadly it was me! As for being ready to leave, often when you're laid off (although this wasn't the case with me thankfully), you are asked to turn in your computer right then & there (so it's advisable you don't do, save or download anything personal on your work computers), & then you're left without any positive e-mails, things you might have created, contacts, etc.
- Never keep anything of value in your car - not even for a minute... & definitely not for two. In November of 2007, I was on my way to the airport to go home for Thanksgiving. I had put my computer & personal bags underneath the glove compartment of the front seat of my car & then drove to the post office for a quick stop. I grabbed the item I needed to mail & since I always literally run my errands, I sprinted in, dropped off the letter & ran right back out. In that short time (a whole 2 minutes in broad daylight & without seeing me ever bring anything to my car), my window had been smashed (whatever they used to smash it must've been part of those emergency car kits b/c there was nothing in my car) & my 2 bags gone. The *bleeping* thieves got the motherload of all thefts (this is almost comical now, but not so much then): Coach purse, Movado watch, digital camera, iPod, gift cards, check book, license, cell phone, computer, all my notes from my new job, jump drive, a ring I'd been wearing since I was 13 (that made it the ultimate tragedy) & my electric toothbrush! & no, I was not brand-dropping with the Coach & Movado; they were 2 things that I'd pined & saved for a looong time & they were pretty much my only two big brand items at that time, so my point was to demonstrate that those jerks made out like bandits! On that note, make sure you do the following:
- Get Renter's Insurance. Your car insurance does not cover property in your car; however, Renter's Insurance which costs a whopping $100-200 a year, does. It also (& I know this a no-brainer) covers all the stuff you have in your apartment/home if the apartment above your's has a flood, or there's a fire, someone breaks in, etc. Renter's insurance = Smart move.
- Keep copies of your license, passport, credit cards (front & back), insurance card, & anything else of equal value in a safe place & have all your phone #s/account info for things like your checking account, etc. easily accessible (possibly in an e-mail or a jump drive). It's no fun trying to cancel credit cards & get things re-issued when you have no phone #s or back-up of anything.
- Keep receipts for all big purchase items incase they ever get nabbed b/c having them will help big time with getting compensated through renter's insurance. Actually, keep receipts of everything during the return window, because stuff stops working, people lose jobs (I thankfully had my receipts for all the stuff I bought over Thanksgiving & have been making returns on anything I hadn't used/worn) & you might just decide you no longer like/need/want whatever you purchased.
- Even if it costs you something, have your cell phone contact list downloaded/backed-up. Getting #s again or never being able to get some numbers ever again, is a royal pain.
- **Side note** I have also had my car stolen (the 1st time I ever drove to DC & I know you all are thinking "woah there SmileMoon w/ the crap luck! :-P), so it is also very wise to have your license plate & VIN # jotted down in a safe place.
- ACT mouthwash (or any kind of strengthening flouride mouthwash) is much better than the awaken-your-senses exhilarating rush of Listerine. This was something I learned this year from my dentist after in spite of my brush twice a day, floss & drink-through-straws efforts, I still got cavities. Ughhh.
- Google online coupon codes for vendors before you check-out. Just recently, I made a large purchase on Snapfish for calendars I was making as gifts for my family. I decided to search "Snapfish coupons" online & found one for 30% off my order. Ooh, also, I had made a purchase on another website & had received 10% off & went back to make another purchase only to see that there was now a 20% off coupon. I called the company & I got the difference back for the first purchase. For those of you who know me, I am not cheap; I just love getting a deal & not saving that 30% & not getting that difference back (when I could & the effort in doing so took less than a minute) would have been just silly.
Okie dokie (yeah, I said that. what...?), that's all from me & my randomness today. I hope one or some of those tips helps someone now or in the future.
I hope everyone's 2010 kicked off to a good start & write soon ~ SmileMoon :)
p.s. - 2010 will be the year of quotes on the blog...
In about the same degree that you are helpful, you will be happy. - Karl Reiland
It's easy to make a buck. It's a lot harder to make a difference. - Tom Brokaw
Saturday, January 2, 2010
New Year's Resolutions
Hi everyone, I know it's been a while. I hope everyone enjoyed the holidays & that you are as excited as I am about 2010. I generally get really excited about the New Year, but I have a particularly good feeling about this one. As most years tend to, 2009 completely flew by, but it was a really good one. I celebrated my 30th b-day (best birthday everrrr!), went to Costa Rica with some of my closest girlfriends, became friends with a great new group of people (more importantly, formed some of my closest friendships with a few amazing girls since post-college), became a Bikram Yoga junkie (for anyone who hasn't tried it, look up your local Bikram studio & the first-timers deal that they likely have; this is no over exaggeration, but Bikram not only permanently helped me improve my physique but changed my whole life. I swear I've even developed some Spidey-kills but that's a whole other story! No, but seriously, Bikram - aka Hot Yoga - is not about strength, stamina, or flexibility - it's about intention (mental & physical) - going as far as you can in a posture, holding it & reaping all the beautiful benefits), I got bangs (this was a big deal for me & I have no idea how me & my big forehead lived w/out them for 30 years! :-P), recently got laid off (no, I'm not embarrassed & yes this is where I'm choosing to let the general public know b/c I think this is a blessing in disguise & I'm hopeful that this will mean a new, better & more fulfilling opportunity in the near future) & overall, it was THE year when I felt like I had completely come into my own & knew that I was headed in the right direction.
Now, I'm hoping that 2010 is the year that I keep moving in that direction & in some aspects of my life actually get to where I'm trying to go. & yes, that does mean on the relationship-front; this is a dating blog & unlike so many people who want that more than anything but think it's embarrassing or weird to say it out loud, I have no problem saying that's what I want. A few may perceive it as desperate, but I would hope that most people who introspect on their own lives (whether they are single or not) or the lives of others would take it as me just being honest. For quite a few years now, being in a serious relationship that would move in the jeevan saathi (life partner) direction has been something I'd hoped for, but I don't think it was until the latter part of this past year that I became fully ready for it due to the now complete understanding of who I am & what I am looking for in that partner.
I had some fleeting experiences in '09 on the dating-&-being-interested-in /liked-by guys-front that really taught me quite a bit & helped me make some of my New Year's resolutions.. Some of the below I've believed in or have been doing for a long time time, but I have definitely gotten distracted from a few along the way. They are as follows (note to self SmileMoon, print these out & hang them up somewhere b/c now that you're posting them here, there will be an accountability issue come the end of the year... :-P ):
Wishing everyone a wonderful 2010 & hoping that it brings all the best & lots of love, health & happiness ~ SmileMoon :)
p.s. - On a side note (& this is in honor of a friend of mine who came up with it), an underlying theme/resolution for me in 2010 will also be to "WDO" which stands for "Workout. Dress Better." No, this is not for the sake of attention from the opposite sex, but I think nothing makes a person (at least I know this is definitely the case for me personally) feel better about themselves than being healthy, improving their physique/fitness levels & having their outward exterior be a true reflection of their inner self. We all know that when we are comfortable in our skin, in possibly better shape than we were & we're wearing a fabulous outfit, we feel good & project a completely different energy. Therefore, as a result of WDO-ing & the natural positive energy you project, if you catch the attention of more people, there is nothing wrong with that. Anyone who is rolling their eyes at the thought of the superficiality of WDO, remember that just like you want to be attracted to someone, the opposite sex feels the same way. & whether it is right or wrong, your outward appearance is the first thing that people see & make a judgment about you on, so why not have it be the best that you can make it...?
Now, I'm hoping that 2010 is the year that I keep moving in that direction & in some aspects of my life actually get to where I'm trying to go. & yes, that does mean on the relationship-front; this is a dating blog & unlike so many people who want that more than anything but think it's embarrassing or weird to say it out loud, I have no problem saying that's what I want. A few may perceive it as desperate, but I would hope that most people who introspect on their own lives (whether they are single or not) or the lives of others would take it as me just being honest. For quite a few years now, being in a serious relationship that would move in the jeevan saathi (life partner) direction has been something I'd hoped for, but I don't think it was until the latter part of this past year that I became fully ready for it due to the now complete understanding of who I am & what I am looking for in that partner.
I had some fleeting experiences in '09 on the dating-&-being-interested-in /liked-by guys-front that really taught me quite a bit & helped me make some of my New Year's resolutions.. Some of the below I've believed in or have been doing for a long time time, but I have definitely gotten distracted from a few along the way. They are as follows (note to self SmileMoon, print these out & hang them up somewhere b/c now that you're posting them here, there will be an accountability issue come the end of the year... :-P ):
- Trust your gut instinct. When it (it being a job, relationship, friendship, choice of outfit, etc.) feels wrong, it IS wrong. There is nothing more powerful or accurate than our inner voice that often whispers - sometimes SCREAMS - at us saying "Nooooo, run awaaaay, get out while you caaaan!" or on the flip side "Ah, this is just right." Listen to that voice.
- Be your true authentic self. Don't ever pretend to be someone you are not or be interested in something that you aren't (for example, in my case, all sports movies, yes, real live sports, not so much) for the sake of impressing someone else. I have to say that this was the beauty of this past year... SmileMoon of a long long time ago (5-21) was fearless, bold & did what she wanted (not in a reckless or arrogant way, but in a simply & subtly confident way)... She got up in front of her freshman class @ BU & told them she was running for president & then was for all of undergrad. She was never far from her passion & was nothing short of a dancing/performing machine. She spoke her mind without a care in the world of being judged or scrutinized. 21-29 were all fine years, but that person was definitely repressed & now she is back - finally, comfortable in her own skin (& with her quirky self) again & most importantly, comfortable in her voice. She knows what drives her, what kind of people she wants to keep as company & where she wants to go in life. I have to say there is almost nothing better than having that feeling.
- Take care of numero uno - yourself. From Bikram yoga to manis-pedis, facials & treating myself to some of the finer things & experiences in life, I am finally living my life with a "take care of ME & live life to the fullest NOW" attitude. I really believe in that expression that goes something like "you can't care for others if you can't care for yourself" & that when we sit on our hands waiting to be taken care of by someone else, we project an unattractive energy that actually pushes that potential someone away. I also believe that caring for one's self means everything from your physical, emotional, mental & spiritual well-being. 2009 was the year of more for me... more... moving & challenging myself physically, reading/listening to books about wellness (every kind of wellness) & spirituality, investing in things that make me happy & actually using them (there was a part of me that definitely used to be that person that would save the nice things for a "special occasion," but this past year made me believe that every day is special & since we never know which day will be our last, we might as well enjoy & live each day to the fullest), & most importantly, gratitude. That is definitely a big resolution for this year - sure, when I talk to friends or write in my blog, I'll talk about certain elements of my life that are "missing," but I am going to try to be fully focused on all the good in my life (knock on wood) & live my life from a place of abundance & gratitude (yes, I'm pretty sure I got that from "The Secret"). That book is brilliant b/c it doesn't say something we all don't already know & I have seen it in my own life & others - that people who live their lives this way attract more positive things.
- Remember, that when it's the right guy & fit for you, there will be no questions, everything else other than that is (pay attention SmileMoon)... "He's just not that into you." If only everyone - guys & girls alike (but more the ladies on this one!) - understood this concept, there would be a tremendous amount of brain & emotional energy that would be saved that could be put to better use. We often delude ourselves into thinking that we can make someone like us or that they simply should b/c shoot, we are just so darned fabulous! :-P Things that we should all remember are that a flirtation that never graduates to more is just a flirtation (or momentary - sometimes long-term - time pass) & not a potential real something... Ladies, you will not have to make sure he sees you more often (sometimes in a sexier outfit or with make-up), flirt more, call/text him, or ANYTHING, b/c when he's interested, he will not need any kind of nudge. He will come a running... often sprinting. Fellas, if a girl isn't sending you very loud & clear signals that she's interested in you, it doesn't matter how nice, sweet, doting, thoughtful or generous you are because she, too, is just not that into you. Remember, we all want to be someone's choice & not just an option, way to pass time, fill a void or anything of the sort. At the end of the day, it's a blech-tasting pill to swallow, but an important one; in those moments where I forget the "just not that into you" policy, when I come to this realization & get some much-needed clarity on a situation, I thank God for "putting me out of my misery." Wondering whether someone likes you or not is a real... you know.
- Live your life in black & white. I think this partly ties into the last point & I have to give myself a big pat on the back, b/c I would say that I live my life this way 99.44% of the time (why 99.44%? Because it was from that Ivory commercial way back in the day & woah nelly, talk about effective marketing, b/c that stuck for life!). I know everyone knows what this means (actually, I think everyone knows everything that I'm saying here & that friends/"self-improvement/help" books tell us but we lose sight of it), but this a blog & I get to tell you about my "I don't do gray" (said with a whole lot of att-i-tude) life policy. There is nothing more torturous than living in gray... Gray is that space where there's a lot of wondering & trying to figure something out going on. Gray is when you break-up with someone & afterwards you're still friends (in my book, this is not possible. Facebook, maybe but totally unproductive b/c than you live more in gray as your FB-stalk your ex & in real life, absolutely not.), friends with benefits, or my favorite stupid life-waste move ever (that I have honestly never done) is breaking up with someone & then getting back together... breaking up & getting back together... & again & freaking again. To me, when a relationship ends the FIRST time, there was a reason & that reason will not go away, get better or whatever else people convince themselves of. Gray is wishy-washy, wimpy & in my opinion, just lame because gray means indecision & the complete opposite of being proactive. On that note, go back to the first point & when your gut is telling you that the relationship your in is not meeting your needs, never going to get to the point you want it to or is in perpetual limbo (I'm sorry, but I don't understand people 30+ "not knowing" after a few solid months - 6 max in my book) & is just unfulfilling overall, get out of gray, & snip-snip that relationship with a quickness. & then don't sulk & say "I just got out of something," think, say & act "Thank youuu. Have a nice day. NEXT!"
- The biggest resolution for me will be to stop being so darned nice; this is not a self-compliment - it's a curse actually & a really big character flaw b/c I feel bad or guilty over everything that most normal people wouldn't think about twice. I'm so hyper-aware of everyone's feelings & not hurting them that I'm that person who often wastes time talking to someone when we're out just because I'm cornered & I don't want to be rude or worse, b!tchy, by making a quick exit. When I think of all the people I've humored in pointless (more than "Nice to meet you") conversations that I'm not remotely interested in, it saddens me to think of so many of my life's precious minutes wasted that could have been better spent with people I do care about or just as okay, by myself. I know I will get hated on for this, but I've even given people my # that I don't care to talk to (I know, I know, that is awful) simply because they asked & I didn't know what to say (b/c I "felt bad") & as a result, my niceness has confused many a really nice guy into thinking that I'm interested. I know, it's rude, but I swear that it's not a conscious thing that I do with any ill intention, but at the end of the day, someone was still lead on (been on the receiving end of that) & that sucks. In 2010, I resolve to be more like many of my girlfriends who in less than 10 seconds flat can (still politely) get out of any conversation or situation they don't want to be in, who tell a guy asking for their # that they aren't interested in something like "hey, if you want to hang out as friends, that's great, but...," who let the d-bag skeevy guy know that he is one, or who won't respond to guys who want to be in e-relationships with them (this means where all communication happens via text, gchat or e-mail). One girlfriend told me that when a guy keeps texting her she'll ask him "Are you a text person?" He'll say no "I'm a phone person." Friend: "Alright.........?" & then she won't respond until said-guy catches a clue & calls. & if he never does, no big loss there. I'm not saying I've never snip-snipped something I was in when I knew it needed to end or wouldn't go anywhere, but for the most part I have such a hard time even saying all that - so much that I end up delivering the message in the most awkward way possible. Yep, 2010 is the year of not-being-so-nice (which does not mean being b!tchy but I think just more straight forward & less hyper-conscious of everyone's feelings at the sake of sacrificing my own ) & I'm soooo looking forward to it. To my girlfriends, you've noticed it & we've discussed it, so I will need you to please help me with this, because this has been a life-long problem that will take lots of practice & coaching (maybe yelling at) to undo.
Wishing everyone a wonderful 2010 & hoping that it brings all the best & lots of love, health & happiness ~ SmileMoon :)
p.s. - On a side note (& this is in honor of a friend of mine who came up with it), an underlying theme/resolution for me in 2010 will also be to "WDO" which stands for "Workout. Dress Better." No, this is not for the sake of attention from the opposite sex, but I think nothing makes a person (at least I know this is definitely the case for me personally) feel better about themselves than being healthy, improving their physique/fitness levels & having their outward exterior be a true reflection of their inner self. We all know that when we are comfortable in our skin, in possibly better shape than we were & we're wearing a fabulous outfit, we feel good & project a completely different energy. Therefore, as a result of WDO-ing & the natural positive energy you project, if you catch the attention of more people, there is nothing wrong with that. Anyone who is rolling their eyes at the thought of the superficiality of WDO, remember that just like you want to be attracted to someone, the opposite sex feels the same way. & whether it is right or wrong, your outward appearance is the first thing that people see & make a judgment about you on, so why not have it be the best that you can make it...?
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