Everyone is doing it...

Getting on Vijay Uncle's Seriously Looking Albums that is!  Ha, I know, so sneaky with my subject, but I knew that was a sure thing for getting people here.  :-P

As always, if you don't know who Vijay Uncle is by now (I'd say "what rock are you under?" but I had no idea until my trip to NetIP Toronto), please go to my very first blog posting back in September where you'll learn all about him & how my blog was inspired by meeting him.  His website is VijayUncle.com, if you are connected through some people he knows on Facebook, he will befriend you & as I explained in a previous posting, he has launched a process called "Infrared Dating."  (Please also see the comment I'm posting with Vijay Uncle's information & how to get involved in the process)

Now, if you are Vijay Uncle's friend on Facebook, in the past few weeks, you've seen a flurry of pictures & profiles added to his albums (come on... you know you've clicked through them) & you might have even thought "Hmmm... should I be on this site?  No wait, it's too bold/out there/whatever."  Yes, it is bold by common standards, but it shouldn't be because these individuals participating in Infrared Dating are simply putting out there that they are (what we all say we are, but that a good majority of us likely aren't or Uncle at least wouldn't deem so by our actions)... SERIOUSLY LOOKING.  Again, supposedly like most of us, these individuals do not want their next relationship to be casual; they want to meet "the one" & are willing to be on the fast track plan of getting to know each other & ultimately, get married (not in X # of years, but on the one year or less plan). 

If that whole idea frightens you, Vijay Uncle & I are sorry to break it to you, but you probably aren't seriously looking, and if you're just one of those people who needs well more than 6 months to "really get to know whether someone is 'the one,'" you also wouldn't qualify.  I've said it before & I'll say it again, at this stage (& age) in our life, finding out & understanding the core character & personality traits in someone should not take more than 6 months.  On that note, if you are in a situation where you are sure about the person you are dating after a few months & your boyf/girlf is still in "TBD" mode about you, think long & hard about the he/she is just not that into you phenomenon & whether you might possibly be wasting your time.  Remember, getting married is not something a person should have to be convinced to do & I promise you that if you bargain, deal or threaten your way into one, you are going to regret it (if you didn't read the CNN interview article with "Eat, Pray, Love" author, Elizabeth Gilbert, definitely check out the below at the end).

Another thing to consider is this... most of our parents either met each other at the mandap, maybe for one formal meeting before that, or possibly if they were really lucky, a few times beforehand.  That was it.  Are they all madly in love?  Nope, but the vast majority of them love each other, the families they've made, & the time they've shared together.  Remember, there's a 50+% divorce rate in our American society all based on love marriages, so I really don't think we can say that one system is better than the other.  Now I'm not saying I want to go back to the days of arranged marriages, but I am also not a fan of the way things are nowadays where people are perpetually getting into & out of relationships and are forever needing more time to "figure it out." 

Anywho, I digress (I know, shocking :-P)  So now what exactly is Infrared Dating?  Well, unlike some of the dating websites out there (that I still think people should try & I'll be sharing some stories on them later), the person you are meeting online is not a mystery person because everyone is connected to Vijay Uncle.  He communicates with the individuals posting about their experiences, what they are looking for, etc., before they go up on the album.  Once a person posts their profile (everyone has to provide basic information about themselves including "Dealbreakers"), if someone expresses interest, Vijay Uncle will pass that information along to the other person.  However, this is where Infrared Dating is very different - there is accountability.  It's really easy to "Decline" the guy/girl on Shaadi.com who you don't know & will never likely see again, but in Infrared dating, if someone expresses interest & you say you aren't interested back right from the get go, that's fine, but Uncle will need to know why.  If you then continue to reject every person who gets in touch with you from out the outset, Uncle will probably need to have a talk to you about how serious you really are & what exactly is that you are looking for.  Lastly, if you & someone start communicating, he will also ask for updates, and again, if a person completely flakes without any word, Uncle will know about it.  & if you stop communicating with someone entirely, Uncle will ask you to provide feedback to him so he can convey it to the other person.  For example, you think you're wildly entertaining & funny; however, 3 girls who spoke with you thought you were a complete bore; it will suck to hear it, but its important to know.

I understand that that kind of accountability can be scary for some, but if you are looking for a process that is completely transparent, then Vijay Uncle's Infrared Dating is where it's at.  From the beginning, there have always been twice as many females in the Seriously Looking albums than males & all I can say to that is fellas, whether they are in the albums or not (Uncle, correct me if I'm wrong on people outside of the album being able to express interest), there are a whole lot of ladies out there who are friends with Vijay Uncle & looking, and they might just be so inspired to reach out to you.  Also, by putting yourself in Uncle's album, you are making a strong statement to women that you are the ultimate in seriousness - something that most women are not finding in men nowadays no matter what their age.

Before anyone so kindly calls me out on it, some of you may have noticed that I was in the album previously & then took myself out; that was because I was talking to someone & felt weird being up there, but that was a premature move.  As Uncle kindly pointed out to me "SmileMoon, it has been more than four months since our conversation in Toronto. You need to constantly come up with new strategies and execute them. If you keep doing the same thing you have done in the past and expect a different results, that is called dreams and not a goal. So focus on coming up with better way to meet that special someone and move the process right along once you meet him."  True story, I have made no progress whatsover & I may have actually regressed!  :-P Thankfully, '09 is over & you'll be proud to know that in '10, I've already been far more proactive than I have ever been in my life about meeting someone.  I will be re-joining the album - that is if Uncle will have me & hopefully, I won't end up getting booted.  For the first time on Shaadi.com, I searched for guys & expressed interest in someone complete with a personalized message.  Come on now, that is huge - normally, I just sit around waiting to be contacted!  I also reached out to a few of my friends who are in relationships either locally or elsewhere, & told them that in spite of 6 months of probably being the most social I have ever been in my life nothing was developing on the relationship front, so I asked them to reach out to their networks (in the most non-awkward way possible) to see if they or someone knew of any good guys for me; I even included "bio-data pics." :)

Lastly, I also made a very conscious decision to change up my social scene in '10; I honestly believe that sometimes we become so social, routinized in all our fun activities, & are having so much fun with our friends (who are also single which puts very little pressure on anyone) that the entire group can end up having very little motivation to move themselves towards the "in a relationship/getting married" direction.  This is no unlove to my group of friends nor is this a breaking up with them ('cuz I heart all of you); this is simply a realization that since I can't turn my girlfriends into boys & it is very unlikely that I am going to date anyone within my friend circle at this point (or it honestly would have happened by now), for the sake of accomplishing my "big goal" as Vijay Uncle calls it, I'm simply changing up what I'm doing.  It's something I honestly recommend that everyone does - start meeting new people & making new friends, participate in different social activities, etc...  keep in mind that with a massive group of friends, an introduction of one "new girl/guy" into the group every now & then, who everyone gets really excited about b/c everyone is looking is simply not enough to help meet everyone's goals.  & let's be honest, how many new guys/girls does anyone within the group really ever end up dating??

Anyway, there you have it, a little bit again about InfraRed dating & a little about SmileMoon trying to shake things up.  Remember everyone, many years have passed where we've all done the same thing (mostly, think that the woman/man of our dreams will fall right into our figurative laps) expecting different results, and thankfully, we were all given a fresh new year to start doing things differently.

Good luck to everyone with that & write soon ~ SmileMoon


** From the CNN Interview with Elizabeth Gilbert **

CNN: Marriage has often been portrayed as something that protects women. But you found in your book that it benefits men the most. Were you surprised by that?

Gilbert: It's surprising, though it shouldn't be. Looking at study after study, it becomes quite chilling to see how very much benefited men are by marriage. Married men perform in life exceptionally better than single men, they live longer, they're richer, they're happier.

CNN: And yet men are often reluctant to enter into marriage.

Gilbert: Which is the big irony. They have to be dragged kicking and screaming into something that will benefit them enormously in life. And the cruel irony is that the people who drag them kicking and screaming into it -- the women -- are the ones who often find that they've gotten the short end of the stick.