Ok, so I know that I put a lot of "disclaimers" in my blog, & I'm sorry, but I can't help it (I am desi so naturally always fearful of being judged!) :-P No, but seriously, I am really a very open-minded, non-stereotyping-type of person, so I want to make sure that everyone understands that my blog posts are simply a window into thoughts that I have had or sometimes continue to have. For this particular blog, I don't want any of my desi guys to think that I have unlove for them b/c I don't - Go Desi Boys All the Waaaay! & I don't want my desi girls (considering that I'm one of them) to think I'm hating on them/us either. However, the below & following blogs to come are about how I've felt from time to time & how I know other desi people - guys & girls alike - have told me they felt about interracial dating/marriages.
So, disclaimer complete & now I can get started! First off, I can say that I for one am all for interracial, inter-religion, inter-everything. Since I was a wee little girl I've always been massively confused by all the religion/race/color unlove as well as any drama & stereotypes related to it. I'm not saying I've never generalized or stereotyped (b/c I have), but I really do see people as just that... people - who they are based on how they are... not what they are (Hindu, Muslim, White, Black, Doctor, Teacher, etc.); although I've always had a significant # of desi friends, if at any stage of my life you put all my friends in a room together, it would look like the "It's a Small World" ride in Disney World. So even though I've always been open-minded & my friends have always been diverse, until I was 27 years old, I was beyond hell bent on "Indian only, preferably Hindi speaking, preferably blah, blah," & had never considered a non-desi guy (let alone gone on a date with one) until my last relationship with a white guy.
I wanted Indian-only for all the same reasons why anyone of any culture/race wants someone similar to themselves - culture, religion, language, upbringing, family, future kids, etc. etc. I get it & it's still what I ideally want; however, in the past few years I've definitely become open minded to the possibility of non-desi & thankfully I have very open-mind parents (minus the one race & one religion that are big NO-NO's) & a community back home where every 3rd person has married a white person, so it's something that's very accepted.
Now one thing about me & non-desi guys (white guys in particular - I've always had a thing for & still heart them - specifically blonde-haired, blue-eyed ones! :-P).... ever since I was in elementary school (one thing to know about me, I didn't have an awkward phase in my formative years; ages 4 through 21 were amazing times, it was 22-27 where I struggled), I have loved being around them b/c it was just easy. When I'm around non-desi guys, I wouldn't (& don't) get caught up in my mind, feel self-conscious (sometimes in the Desi world, I feel like we are constantly sizing each other up & critiquing one another) & can just be my silly, goofy self (non-desi guys have always found this to be super cute whereas I find it to not be something necessarily so appealing to some of my desi guy counterparts). & one of my favorite things is that these guys are just as silly/goofy/witty, so I am forever laughing & being entertained. (** Another disclaimer/side note - there have been & are desi-guys that I feel the above & below with; this is just me generalizing the non-desi-SmileMoon phenomenon!)
& as superficial as it is, the absolute best thing with non-desi guys is the attention they give me & how darn cute/pretty they make me feel (just like my beloved Walter!). Sure, it could be that they're intrigued by something different (a brown girl!) & find us to be exotic but who cares - at least they are intrigued?! & when they are, they have no problem expressing it; they are completely explicit, direct & they let you know that they are interested. Like I said in a previous post, my last boyfriend (who was white) was transparent in his actions upon meeting me, got my # that nite, called & asked me out on a "date" the very next day - he didn't beat around the bush, he didn't start chatting w/ me on gchat or via text & didn't make me wonder by all his nice actions whether he was interested; he told me his intentions & that was it. Whereas with a lot of desi guys (not only in my personal situations but my girlfriends as well), it's like this big long drawn out overly mysterious & confusing process that most of the time feels like a lot of wondering & game playing. I'm not saying that us desi girls don't help make it convoluted, because I know we do (& I'd looove to hear more on that from the guys!)
In the desi world, & I'm sorry guys, but if you looked at all our movie stars (let's compare a Shahrukh Khan who I worship to a Madhuri Dixit/Ashwariya Rai), significant # of Miss Worlds & Universes & just general population, there is no scarcity of attractive Indian girls. Seriously (& this is not to be mean or to sound completely awful), but to every ONE Jon Abraham/Abhishek Bachan, there are 10 drop dead gorgeous Shilpa Shetty-types. In Chicago alone (& I've heard guys says this here & in NY) guys are like "kids in a candy shop" with the massive # of above-average to very good looking desi girls. So, although I'm not saying that I'm anything special to look at or fall into the "good looking" category, I regardless always feel like a "dime a dozen" around most desi guys. Kinda like "hey, you're cute (they're interested, they're talking to me), but when a new girl walks in 2 seconds later, it's "hey, you're even cuter" & NEXT! It's funny b/c in every group I've been in & at every phase in my life, guys are like moths to a candle flame whenever there's a new pretty girl in town or who shows up to some event; they know nothing about her except that she's easy on the eyes & they are all tripping all over themselves to be around her.
On the desi-guys' side who've dated/married non-desi girls, I've heard them say that it's just less complicated - less drama (family, personal, or otherwise), fewer insecurities to deal with, & just fewer things in general to have to "deal" with. I hear where they're coming from & that very well might be true. However, at the end of the day, I think that whether it be the attention we desi girls perceive from non-desi guys or the "less drama" desi-guys feel with non-desi girls, these relationships work because of a connection & the rest is irrelevant.
One thing I've also felt is that sometimes we get so caught up on finding someone who meets all are our endless "desi-check mark" criteria (more on this later; I feel like us desis are something else when it comes to that!), but at the end of the day, that connection/spark isn't necessarily there... or they could be desi by name, but not desi by nature. I have dated "white-washed" desi guys who resented, were embarrassed by or pushed away their culture growing up (either with the help of their parents who wanted to make them "Amreekanized" or all on their own).... they couldn't understand/speak the language, had no affinity for their culture or the motherland & basically, other than their actually being brown, there was very little that actually made them Indian. Then on the other hand, there was someone like my ex who was as white as they come, but who appreciated everything about how into my culture I was... watched the movies & went to Indian buffets with me... had asked me to start teaching him some Hindi as he was looking into Rosetta stone on his own... & who made me feel like the best thing since sliced bread (again, some of you who haven't read previous blogs - this relationship didn't work out but not due to some dramatic reason; this person is still someone who I still think so highly of b/c he is just a great guy).
I've seen many desi-non-desi couples in action & they - just like any other great couples - are amazing not because they have "check mark criteria"-type things in common, but because they have great chemistry, a profound partnership & understanding of each other, & so on. These couples talk about how all the supposed "differences" (religion, culture, secondary language, etc.) didn't matter at the end of the day because their relationships were so great & easy & their values & goals aligned that all that stuff sorted itself out. I'm not saying it's so easy for all interracial couples but I think for those who see the BIG picture & whose families support them (I find this part interesting & I know Vijay Uncle would agree, b/c some parents would rather have their kids be single until eternity than marry a non-desi, non-Guju-Patel-from-this-particular-gaam, non-Brahmin, etc.) can easily make it work.
Anywho, I have to start ironing my saree (it should only take me 3 hours) for yet another brown "networking event" - this time a gala Net-IP event in Chicago. Like Net-IP Toronto back in September, my goal is to spend time with my friends, have a whole lot of fun & get my balle-balle shaava shaava on & hey, if a guy happens to catch my eye or vice versa, that's never a bad thing either.
Hoping everyone has a great weekend ~ SmileMoon :)
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Smilemoon,
ReplyDeleteLet me explain a couple things about us guys so you can better understand. I think you feel like what guys are doing is "playing a game" whereas actually what most of them are going through is what I like to call "fear of loss." What am I talking about? Most guys, when they meet girls, and a girl shows any sort of interest (or maybe even none at all) will try to go for a number. They put so much stock into that number, they don't want to lose everything they have earned up to that point (good conversation, number, good times, etc...). So rather than be direct about his intent, he will play what you feel is a "game" with you.
Now, let me back up and tell you, this is true for most guys but not all of them. Some will still state their intent. Also realize, a lot of these Desi guys have stated their intent with a Desi girl and got shot down. So they technically have not had a positive experience with it, and rather than risk it all, they will play this safe game and experience fear of loss.
I think the other thing you should think about is that this happens with all other races, not just Desi's. I've had this happen to myself, as well as friends of mine who are not Desi. I understand that being Desi (I am Desi as well) that you feel it only happens to us but it really is a universal thing. Anyways, realize that the guys who you feel may be "playing a game" might actually be into you and it's not necessarily a bad idea to let them know if you are into them as well (although at the end of the day I think a man should step up and indicate his interest, whether verbally or nonverbally to a girl).
Good luck.
hi anonymous, thank you for writing. i appreciate the "fear of loss" explanation & it makes sense. i also agree that this is not a desi-only phenomenon or something that a particular race/culture of men (or women) is better or worse at. the majority of my experiences have been in the desi-only world, so (although i try to "disclaimer" away my generalizations), i'm naturally still making them. however, b/c i know some fabulously amazing desi boys out there (err... quite a few who i am either related to or who are dating my friends! :-P) & i have had some very positive dating experiences with desi guys as well, i know every good & bad situation out there is on a case-by-case basis & not something across the board for all desi guys (or girls!)
ReplyDeletelastly, about letting the guy know i'm into them... i always thought that i was transparent when i liked a guy by my actions; however, i've recently been told that because i am nice to everyone (guys, girls, uncles, aunties, kids, animals & everyone/thing in between) that a lot of guys misread this as me liking them & the guy that i actually like-like may not be able to pick up on it. this smilemoon behavior has recently been deemed "flirting with the janta" (although i'd say it's far from flirting & just my natural demeanor), i like the phrase.
personally, it's hard for me to be overt in my interest when i have no idea where that guy stands; the same way i'm nice to everyone, a lot of guys are nice & flirtatious with me, so until they say something really explicit, ask me out to dinner or something where they'd "like to take me out," or something along those lines, i end up thinking that they're just "being nice."
my guy friends have tried to explain to me that guys aren't just "being nice" without reason. i dunno why, but i'm just not buying that...
ok, my comment is as long as my blog posts. i have issues :-P
thanks again & hope to hear from you again ~ SM
"my guy friends have tried to explain to me that guys aren't just "being nice" without reason. i dunno why, but i'm just not buying that..."
ReplyDeleteBuy into it, it's not true in all cases, but definitely in most cases.
I agree. Indian women are much harder on Indian guys, demand more from them, and play many more games with them. Perhaps with white guys they are more forgiving, since they can expect less culturally from then. Perhaps it has to do with the fact that dating a white guy gives them more status in American society. Perhaps it has to do with the fact that the white guys willing to seriously date Indian women are more moldable and open-minded. I think white is probably the way to go too for many Indian girls AND guys.
ReplyDeleteok, so although i have a pretty expansive group of friends with a substantial # of guys (who i think are all nice), i also know that they all don't like me; however, going forward, i will be a little less naive when someone is being especially nice.
ReplyDeleteas for the 2nd comment & indian women being harder on on indian guys, that might be true, but if it is, i think (actually, i know) it goes both ways. honestly, when it comes to my expectations from a guy (or anyone) it has very little do with anything cultural, but who they are as a person, how they treat me & ultimately, my connection with them; all 3 elements need to be there. your perspective is yours & i appreciate it, but i'm not sure if dating a white guy/girl gives that individual/couple any kind of elevated status. i've dated a white guy & i definitely didn't feel that at all.
i also hope i didn't imply that i thought "white" was the better option or for people to not be down with brown; i just think people should be open-minded to all possibilities & not pigeon-hole themselves in to any "Indian/White/Guju/Brahmin/Etc... only" categories. & at the end of the day, none of us can or should say that "all indian girls/guys" are anything good or bad; this is called a "South Asian Dating" Blog, but the issues discussed are felt by everyone.
just a side note, most of the interracial couples that i personally know are of desi guys dating/marrying non-desi girls & i imagine they ended up with these women not b/c they were anti-desi, but b/c they had a connection with that person that they had never had with anyone else before that.
lastly, ALL individuals - male & female alike (doesn't matter what their race or culture is) - play games to some extent. Some play them on purpose b/c they are "players;" some play them unknowingly b/c they are feeling out their options. That's my 10 cents :)
LOL, I'm detecting a smidgeon of racism here. But it's ok, I suppose. I've seen happy AND divorced white-desi couples. One of the happiest I've seen was Black-Desi. The elevated status bonus from dating a white guy was actually mentioned to me by a desi girl. One doesn't need to be anti-desi to date white guys or girls. We live in a melting pot - so take advantage of it. For that matter, consider Asians and educated Latinos too - they have a similar outlook to desi's and if you can find one open-minded enough to date a desi, he/she is probably a very malleable, understanding person in other aspects of life too!
ReplyDeleteoy, well i just hope the smidgeon is not coming from me, b/c i am all about one love. my post was about my personal experience dating/being around desi & non-desi guys & like i said, i've had wonderful experiences with both & i truly believe that at the end of the day, it doesn't matter if a relationship is interracial or inter-anything, but just that 2 people are committed to each other & to making it work.
ReplyDeleteHey Mr. Anonymous, it's not racism. It's called a perspective. Smilemoon is not trying to be racist, she is speaking from her perspective honestly. It's called South Asian dating blog for a reason genius.
ReplyDelete"One doesn't need to be anti-desi to date white guys or girls."
Thank you captain obvious!
wuh oh, everyone pleeease play nice.
ReplyDeleteCome now, let's be honest with ourselves. I know this is slightly off-topic, but I have observed Desi's to be some of the most race and class-conscience ethnic groups in the country. There only the slight exception of our community's tepid embrace of Barrack Obama, a barely black, black Democrat. It is something we really need to work on, IMO. In no way am I implying Smilemoon specifically or any of the other commentators are racist.
ReplyDeleteI.O., i agree w/ you completely... the desi community is beyond race & class conscious. i think our generation is still super-plagued by it & i just hope that future generations won't be. thanks for writing ~ SM
ReplyDeleteI think Anonymous, the guy that's defending racism as your perspective (not saying I agree one way or another) but it's an example of being nice with an ulterior motive.
ReplyDeleteI think he's got a crush on you.
Shoot Anon 2, you totally called me out! Can I take you out on a date sometime SmileMoon?
ReplyDeleteeh...? i'm going to go out on a limb here (being that the last 2 postings were w/in one whole minute of each other) & say that i think anon2 & anon3 are the same person, but i'll still write to you like 2 separate people. Anon 2, i really didn't get the vibe that Anonymous (who may have perceived me to be a smoodge racist) has an ulterior motives b/c I didn't find his post nice or not-nice - it was very neutral. So, I'm sorry to squash that theory, but I think the crush thing is way off. As for Anon3, wow, you proved the naysayers wrong; this blog is not hurting my dating potential! No, just kidding, I did not take your asking (being that I have NO idea who you are) seriously. & my new personal rule is no more dates - only group hang-outs & being friends (real friends) for a looong time. Thank you both for reading, writing & being entertaining :)
ReplyDeleteThe best city for Desi girls to find a Desi guy San Francisco. There are almost 5 guys to 1 girl. You will see lots of guys who are 8's and 9's with girls who are 5's and 6's. Demand and supply.
ReplyDelete