I know I've been MIA since my last post which I am sure nauseated some of you; I apologize and although they will be far and few between, you now know to quickly hit Alt-Tab or avert your eyes when you see anything addressed to "Baby Moon." Since my "Mumbai or Bust" post before that, I have been completely non-stop (& perhaps operating in a state of slight mania) trying to figure out the logistics for my trip, getting ready for being away for 6 months (which really involves way more than just packing although I am likely being overly ambitious trying to do everything I have ever wanted to - which includes massive projects - before I leave!) and being a nauseatingly doting Bhua (I was told that is how it correctly spelled) to my nephew.
I actually just got back from a week over at my brother and sister in-laws and although I tried to restrain myself, I still got all choked up saying saying bye to my lil' munchkin after so much quality one-on-one time (some serious bonding happens at 4:30 in the morning!). As I was leaving, I declared to my sis in-law that everyone should be prepared for me to be a "hot mess" when I really have to say my last "miss you until I get to kiss you"' to my lil' munchkin.
Ok, I promise that's all on that for this post and now back to Mumbai!
Since my "I'm heading to India" post, people have naturally asked me mainly the following:
- How did I decide to go?
- What will I be doing there (Find a husband? A job? Myself?)
- Why 6 months? (Are you dying?)
How did I decide to go? Well, it was really less a decision and more of a compulsion. As many of you know (& if not please see Getting Laid Off + India = Wonderful), I was laid off at the end of last year. The first two months thereafter included a lot of grief (& at the same time, relief), angst and frustration, but oddly enough freedom as well. Mid-February, I was pretty sure my brain would explode from all the thinking and feeling I was doing as well as from applying for jobs that I wasn't really that thrilled about (which even when I did apply for them, I did not hear back from), so I decided that I needed to escape. Naturally for me, I went to India.
The original plan was to go for 3 weeks, and I have not shared the following publicly before, b/c well... it just seemed all too desperate and embarrassing, but now since I am finally out of my head about "omg, what will everyone think?!" I will share without care. Towards the end of my trip (the entire last week), I was overwhelmed with feelings of "I'm not ready to go back... I need more time here" and finally, the day before my flight back, I extended my trip by 3 weeks. In addition to simply having more time in a place I've always been enamored with, I decided (with a huge and understandable "what the...?!" reaction from most of my friends & family) that I would attempt to both look for a job and a guy in the motherland. On a side note, when I reached out to Vijay Uncle, he scolded me and sweetly implied that I was "buddhu" for not having explored that possibility sooner.
Anywho, I was totally committed to all of it, but I was naive in my planning because three weeks isn't enough time to do any kind of search for anything anywhere - let alone the motherland! Except for sending out my resume to my in-India contacts, getting formal bio-data pics taken (they are hysterical b/c they turned me into a WHITE person; I will post a pic or two later), perusing through the matrimonial ads and one almost-in-person-meeting that went bust, I basically just had three extra weeks of vacation.
So now, one would naturally think that I'm heading back for part two of that search - find a job and let's just say what it really was... find a husband. That assumption would make sense, but this time around, I'm not going for any of that and although no one has any reason to believe me, it's the truth. If you happened to read my Down With My South Asian Dating Blog post and have read my blog since then, I'm definitely not the same Smile Moon that you knew who was full of angst and frustration over the entire world of South Asian dating (perhaps that's why readership has plummeted :-P). I don't attribute all of it to doing the course I talked about, but it was a major catalyst in no longer waiting for life to happen to me... waiting for the "dream" anything (job, husband, income, etc.)... doing what was expected (& then some if you've read my posts about online dating!) to get the "dream" results I wanted but nonetheless, still waiting for things to "turn out" and "get better." Mind you, I was not some morbidly depressed, bitter or resentful person; I did, however, feel that a whole lot more needed to happen before life could start feeling totally "complete" or "right" and more than anything, I believed that meant finding a "life partner."
I completed Landmark Forum on July 13th, was officially done with waiting for life to "turn out," and exactly 2 weeks later, I announced that I was going to India for 6 months. & I swear it happened just like that... I was sitting thinking deep thoughts as I often do (now in my parents home - I moved from Chicago and back home with them) and the "I'm going to India" thought smacked the inside of my forehead and then fell right down and out of mouth. That day, I must have contacted at least 15 different people who were either in India or had in-India connections (& omg, I was so not my typical SM self - I shamelessly asked everybody and anybody for help and I will gush later on about how amazed I was at the response from the most unexpected people!) and for the last 2 months, I've been trying to wrap up my entire life in the states as I know it. This might sound odd since I fully intend to come back, but wrapping things up included parting with more than half of my life's belongings; I've been ruthless about getting rid of all my "stuff" and I have to say it has been quite freeing! I have no idea why, but for some reason, knowing that I had a ton of stuff sitting here just didn't feel right.
Okay... (scroll up... scroll some more)... Hmm... I'm not sure if I've even answered the "How did you decide?" question because it really didn't play out as most of my normal big life decisions I've made in the past have which included lots of... mulling it over, anxiety (maybe even a few sleepless nights), pros and cons lists, and most of all, seeking advice/permission/buy-in from my nearest and dearest. Like India Part 1, for India Part 2, I did not do any mulling nor did I ask anyone; I informed them which was incredibly liberating. Although it didn't play out like this, imagine the following conversation with the universe (& if you think it is crazy to talk to yourself, stop and listen to your thoughts for a whole minute b/c you are constantly talking to yourself!)... Me: "Oh wait, this is my life? & I don't have to ask for permission or justify everything I do?" Universe: "Yes (you moron), who told you that you did?" Me: "Uh... I did?? Oh, I did... Sorry!" Universe: "Stop apologizing for everything and go do something (Idiot)! Me: "*Gulp* Fine, I will!"
So how did I decide? Well, I didn't decide; I simply chose to go... chose to do something in life - versus waiting for life to happen and be "just right" - and that something is simply taking a step in the direction of a new life experience that I can only imagine that I will enjoy. That life experience will be of living in a country I adore surrounded by "my peoples" speaking my beloved "mother tongue" (that I speak like a true Amreekan, but still I love it!); however, I've heard that all the Mumbai-ites (that is probably not what they are all called) speak English more than Hindi which is quite the bummer. & although I will be far from actively seeking a job out there or searching for a spouse, I will also certainly not be closed to either possibility b/c that would just be... dumb, for lack of a better word.
More on what I exactly plan on doing in my next post...
Thanks for reading and write soon,
Smile Moon :)
We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. - Joseph Campbell
It is only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth - and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up - that we begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had. - Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
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