I'm just going to say it point blank that I think the guy should. In every really amazing relationship that I know & admire (from engaged couples to marrieds, & to those who have been together for 50+ years), the guy did the chasing (pursuing or whatever you want to call it) & whether it was majorly or minorly, no matter what, he was & always slightly is more interested/hard-pressed than the girl. ** Side note - I am going to be asking some halves of these amazing couples if I can share their story with you or if they will share it themselves & ladies, just a warning... you will turn into a puddle of mush when you hear about a man named Walter... **
** & Side Note Part 2 - Vijay Uncle, if you are reading this, I know you are calling me 'buddhu' right now, b/c you said something to the effect of "whoever does the calling is the stronger one", but on this, we'll have to agree to disagree (& for those of you are wondering "why does this weirdo keep referring to some Uncle?," please click on his picture on the main page & go to his website! :-P) **
Anywho, to continue.... every book from The Rules to He's Just Not that Into You (My mom bought me both - sad, but true; Mommy, the latter one hurt my feelings :-/) & Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man (my sister-in-law got me that one!) says the same thing. Yes, okay, my whole family is apparently convinced that if I get well-versed in strategic thinking as it relates to dating & start understanding when "he's just not that into me", I'll get it together on this whole meeting-a-guy thing, but that's besides the point. :-P The point is that as absurd as it is that I own these 3 books (which I refused to display until a particular girlfriend insisted that I had to or she'd be mad at me!), the message in all of them is SO TRUE - when a guy is really into you, he is NOT casual, cool or nonchalant about it - he is just the opposite!
Think back to all those guys that you might not have necessarily been that into, but how they were when they were really into you - persistent, sometimes awkward, nervous, texting/calling ever day & so on. Sure, we often didn't like these guys the way they liked us, so we didn't care for all of that & we thought "ugh, staaaalker", but if a guy we were into did all that we'd be just thrilled. Whenever my girlfriends start telling me not to be so practical about "how into me" I perceive a guy to be or not to brush him off due to what I perceive to be a lack of interest, I always tell them a story about a recent ex of mine (Uhhh... Hi, if you are reading & please don't hate me for telling this story!)
Well, the first time we met (through friends, at a lounge), he literally tripped over one of the low-set tables to come over to talk to me & then leapt over one of my girlfriends & squeezed right in between the 2 of us to be able to continue talking to me (I had relocated but not with any intention of avoiding him). He was blatant about being interested & I thought he was just the cutest & sweetest thing ever; he definitely wasn't my typical "type", but I was offiically interested right back. So... when he texted that night telling me how great it was meeting me & then called the next day asking me if I could go to the zoo (that day), I didn't think he was a weirdo freak; I thought "yaaaay!" & then when he told me within week #1 that even though we'd be doing long distance for a significant part of our relationship, that he seriously wanted to see where this would go, I wasn't horrified at it being "too soon;' instead, when we talked for hours every night, I never worried if I was wasting my time. Oh & when he told me that I was "the prettiest girl in the world" (I had to include this one, b/c shoot, someone actually thought that! :-P), even though I thought he was delusional for thinking it, it didn't feel like "too much;" I knew he believed it so it felt amazing..
In the end & after almost a year, things unfortunately didn't work out (the whole non-dramatic story is not necessary), but during that relationship, I always felt perfectly secure with how he felt about me. So when my girlfriends tell me not to be so practical I remind them of that relationship, because from the beginning, I could be my completely gushy-mushy, expressive, quirky & hopeless romantic-self because it was always appreciated & reciprocated; I didn't have to question what I said/did/how I "acted" or wonder anything because of a lull in our communicating. To this day, any of my girlfriends will tell you that even though it didn't work out with us, I still think he is one of the absolute greatest guys.
So... the point of my story...? Good question. Oh yeah, the point (sorry Dancing With The Stars is on & I got distracted! :-P) is that even though a guy doesn't necessarily have to be so overt in his liking you, I believe that he should be the one making more of the effort & that he should just like you just a smoodge more. I know some of you are thinking "ok, SmileMoon, that's a nice story & all, but it still didn't have a happy ending;" this is true, but for every relationship going forward I know that even if there is no tripping or leaping, that I want to feel some version of "he's just that into me."
So in summary, I believe (& I feel like I have to keep saying this b/c I know a lot of people will not be thrilled with my perspective) that when a guy is really into you, he doesn't miss a beat in letting you know & showing you how much b/c he knows that if he does, some other guy could swoop in & steal his prize. Guys are very territorial like that - I think we all are to some extent (this past year, I realized that if seeing the guy I'm interested in with some random girl does not elicit an ounce of jealousy in me, I'm not that interested) - so trust me, if he wants you, he will do everything in his power to get you. Now if you aren't interested & reject him, that's a whole other story! On another note, if you, sister-friend, do end up doing all the chasing/pursuing & assuming you end up together, I would imagine that you'd spend the rest of your life constantly having to prove again & again how great you are. Now I could be wrong (I often am), but that's how I think it'd play out.
Well, I'd love to hear your thoughts on this one; actually, I'd just love to hear your thoughts in general! I'm soooo excited that so many of you have gotten in touch with me via e-mail or Facebook, but I'd love for this to be a conversation with more perspectives than just mine (thank you to those of you have joined/posted!). Some people have said that they don't feel comfie putting it all out there & that doing this is very "brave" of me (that is very sweet, but I don't think I'm saying or doing anything brave-worthy), but just remember that no one needs to know who you are; you can create an anonymous user ID & start posting!
Ok, well thanks always for reading.
Write soon... SmileMoon :)
p.s. - & as much as I made fun of them, all those books are interesting reads & you can take what you want from them or nothing at all. Oh & everyone has to see "He's Just Not That Into You" (great book & movie!)
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I think that following these books may get you a guy, but not necessarily the kind of guy you want. There are, by the way, mens' versions of all of these. And my opinion is that they select for a slightly obsequious, possibly desperate, mate. And when a guy looks at a woman's book like that, it makes him think, "well gee, maybe I shouldn't even pursue a girl unless I'm willing to do all of this stuff to get her." And that nips what could otherwise be a solid relationship in the bud.
ReplyDeleteBut I do agree that when people are into each other, they trip over themselves to be with each other. Sometimes it can take some time to get to that stage though.
ReplyDeletehey interested observer (i love the name & obsequious - "overly attentive, fawning" - is one of my favorite words from the SAT days! :-D)... i agree with you on the books & that's why i didn't want to display them. i would hope though that if someone saw them that they wouldn't think that i was trying to be so strategic, desperate or that i was high maintenance, but that they are entertaining anectodal books that in their own way try to bring some clarity to this bizarre world of dating. so the tripping thing is real, but what do you think about the guy being more interested & doing the chasing/pursuing?
ReplyDelete(Consolidated and condensed from two posts)
ReplyDeleteI guess I'm what you would call a "modern" traditional guy. I think it is my responsibility to ask a girl out, pay for dates, open doors, ensure a girl makes it home safely, etc. However, I think it's nice when a woman is an active player in the courting process. For instance, a thank you after a date; a phone call here and there; suggestions on what to do next. Most of my guy friends think the same way. There are too many women out there who will go out with a guy just because he's making it easy and convenient - even though she has very little interest in him. A woman who gives active input without being overbearing differentiates herself. And think about it - if you're REALLY into a guy, you can't help but do all of the "active" things I mentioned, "Rules" or no "Rules."
Also, when women are interested in a guy, they SHOULD take steps to make it known. It doesn't have to amount to asking the guy out. It can be an email to ask about the guy's weekend, or saying hello at a social event. What's there to lose? The time investment is minimal, and it's not like you're really putting yourself on the line. If the guy likes you, he'll ask you out! And if he doesn't then you'll have made a positive impression on someone - and that will only be beneficial in the long run.
I personally don't know many girls who would go out with a guy if they weren't interested (at least not past a date or two) & my goodness, I would hope that all girls would say "thank you" after a date; however, I'm not saying that girls like that aren't out there.
ReplyDelete& I completely agree that both people need to be making an effort & that a lot of that stuff will come naturally when both parties are on the same page & things are transparent. I find that when there isn't clarity in a relationship - even if it's just in the beginning stages - that there's a lot of game playing & second guessing every maneuver (should I do text him? what next? etc.)
the part that i personally find challenging is about "letting it be known" that i like a guy. honestly, i've had too many experiences where i think i'm being nothing less than blatant, where a guy will spend hours talking to me all night & i'm sending him all the signals, & then it's usually "nice to meet you & c-ya" on their end or they'll get my # & not call. all onlookers (my girlfriends) & i have been very confused by this because it's become a bit of a smilemoon-trend. :-P
First, kudos for sharing your experience and happy birthday!
ReplyDeleteI have a few random thoughts:
Try re-reading your article and pretend you're the guy that wants to meet you, have you told him exactly how you want to be treated?
I'm interpreting your advice to your lady friends to mean that they essentially play hard to get... forever forward. If games are what you want, then games are what you'll have... forever forward.
I'm much more in favor of the mutual intangible necessity to move towards and be in the presence of that certain someone. When you just can't help yourself and neither can they.
If you'd like to break your trend of guys not following up, then by all means try something new.
For the guys that "forget" to get your number, thank them for the great conversation and mention a specific place / time you'll be to talk more. Your only expectation can be to talk and to give them one more chance to man up.
For the guys that don't call... if you have their number as well and are truly interested, then call them up and mention a specific place / time you'll be... once again manage your expectations.
I look forward to reading more!
hey rahul, thanks for the b-day wishes, posting & for trying to save my beloved iPod :) i can appreciate everything you had to say, & i'm def not recommending that my girlfriends play games, hard to get or anything of the sort, but really just that they stop going for idiot guys who from the get go treat them poorly & then they painfully wonder "why it didn't work out" however many months/years later.
ReplyDeleteyou know me personally now & i would definitely say (& i'd hope you'd agree) that i'm far from being obnoxious or so overt, but i'm also not a meek person who doesn't express myself. so when it comes to my being interested, i am def transparent (but not in a weird too interested way). & it's not that i'm not open to making the suggestion of meeting up or being the one who calls, i just have always found that in those instances where i have, it never works out anyway. the guy was simply not interested enough to be bothered to make the effort.
as for how i want to be treated, that's going to be coming in a new blog posting shortly.
thanks again for posting & talk soon!
~ SmileMoon :)
I guess the right answer is 'no one should be doing the chasing.'
ReplyDeleteThis is not a hindi movie where they guy is going to chase you. Even though bollywood movies might make you believe that. This is a matter of give and take.
Every relationship needs at least one hero. The hero is able to rise above the usual and lead the relationship to the ultimate goal - goal being, is it going somewhere or not?
You need to be able to tell the difference between a guy who is shy or 'I am so busy or disorganized that even if I feel great about you I am not able to convey you in so many words.' versus the one who is giving you a signal that, 'I am not so interested in you'
Based on what is the reason for him not taking the lead the female needs to have the appropriate response.
Once again, it may be an appropriate topic to talk about in the initial stages as to what is your preferred method of giving the feedback?
All said when in doubt this is how you should weigh two options.
Suppose the guy was not interested and you did call him up and found out that he was not into you. What is the downside? He was never yours to begin with.
Suppose the guy was shy, busy or for some reason was not able to give you a clear signal and you contacted him. The upside is you might have rescued your relationship from misunderstanding and presumption that he is not interested.
the role of the man and the women were much different 50+ years ago. Way back men and women didn't have as many ways to meet each other. There were fewer people to choose from and the marrying age was much younger. Back then women waited to be pursued because they welcomed it.
ReplyDeleteNow both men and women work and are well educated. Travel, technology and population levels have given men and women more options and thus "dating" A.D.D." Safety issues are a larger concern as well.
If a girl is not interested in the chaser or the pursuer, then he is a stalker and creepy. Yes I know you mentioned this. If she likes him then he is the love of her life.
Guys and Girls have many requirements now regardless of love - height, weight, looks, occupation, education and income levels. A guy could trip over himself to pursue a girl but that effort could be null and void if the above is not met.
If it is going to happen, it will happen. Not every relationship is a great story; not every psychological breakthrough is like what you saw in Good Will Hunting.
If you are open to being pursued - emotionally, physically and metsphysically then it will happen.
constructively honest, well said & all very true. thanks for reading & for sharing your thoughts.
ReplyDelete