He/she said what...?!

I was recently talking to a girlfriend who told me a story about a guy that she had been dating for about a year.  While they were dating, I had heard from another friend who knew this guy well & said that he was super shady at least until very recently (multiple girlfriends, hook-ups & such).  I mulled over saying anything to my friend because she seemed really happy & he sounded like a great guy, but after asking some girlfriends what I should do, they said that I should definitely share the info, so I did.  She appreciated knowing, did not get upset at me & things continued.

My friend & I had been playing phone tag forever & when we finally caught up, she told me a story that made me... aaahhh, soooo furious (one at this super-jerk guy & two, at my girlfriend for giving this guy a second chance)!  Well, long story short, after months of dating, some kind of situation with an ex (or someone else he was possibly seeing at the same time) happened, things ended, he relentlessly tried to get my friend back swearing that he was a changed man forever, she finally caved in, relationship part 2, major mistrust, then yet another still unclear something happened with the ex, & things were then over for good.  & as upset as she was, to this I said "thank goodness!"

She continued the story by telling me the whacky & messed up things this guy had said to her while they were dating like... "You're pretty but you're no Miss America" (not in reference to how she acts which one could describe as the anti-diva but in reference to how she looks; mind you she is GORGEOUS, always turns heads wherever she goes & is completely clueless to it all) & "I wish you had more style - I like girls who wear high heels, accessorize, are trendy, etc." (again, this is not some delusional evaluation of my friend, but she has a completely classic look sans 4"-inch heels & some trendy super-fitted hooch dress).

At this point, even though I wanted to violently shake my friend for sticking it out with someone who could say things like that , I can't say that I'm 100% sure what I would do if someone said something like that to me when I'd already invested so much time with them.  I'd like to think I'd say "You're decent but no Jon Abraham yet I still dated you & stop watching so much porn" as I made my way to the door.  Ok, so I might say nothing (it's so easy to be sassy & fiery in writing but often in person I'm a lot more "Err... & Umm... :-P" than I'd personally like to be), but I'd definitely make my way to the nearest exit.

After she told me the whole story, I made my girlfriend promise me that she would never ignore red flags like the things this moron said.  I told her that it's better to be solo than with someone who - if god forbid you did end up spending the rest of your life with - would make your loooong life miserable because you would be forever riddled with insecurity & constantly wondering "Am I (insert any quality or trait - attractive, smart, blah, blah - enough?"

There's so much I know I still need to learn when it comes to relationships, but the one thing I can say that I am good at is bumping anyone who has blatant poor character with a quickness.  I have a ZERO tolerance policy for poor character that I learned the hard way after one defining relationship in my life; I completely ignored all the reasons why I didn't want to be with this guy for the almost 2 years he pursued me (his being super arrogant, a complete narcissist & the clincher was that he continued to pursue me even while he was dating someone else); I had actually explicitly told this guy that he was "the most cocky person I knew" & then 2 years later, we were in a committed relationship & I was sure that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. Oh & you'll love this... the best part of the story is that he then cheated on me.  My god & true story, but thankfully one from sooo long ago, that I can pass it off to being young, naive & really stupid.  :)

This is something that I hope everyone - guys & girls alike - keep in mind... things like how outgoing, funny, charming, well-traveled, speaks (Gujarati, Hindi, your language of preference), rhythmically-inclined, "Indian" & the hundreds of other criteria that we all have & gage who we will or will not date by, are all trivial & really shouldn't be deal breakers.  However, if someone is selfish, untrustworthy, makes you feel bad about yourself, disrespectful or shows any other poor character red flags, do not run, SPRINT in the other direction & don't look back - poor character IS FOREVER.  Oh, & if he/she cheated in the past, I'm sorry honey (b/c I was this delusional), but how wonderful you are will not reform him/her into the trustworthy non-cheating-type; you know what they say... "Once a cheater, always a cheater."

Honestly, I think as girls we've jacked it up for ourselves big time, because when we were younger, we all (ok, most.  ok, I) went for the bad-boy, playerish, most charming type; he treated us like crap & made us constantly wonder where we stood in his book, but yet we still wanted him.  He was so darn charming!  The good guys stood by watching as they got ignored, & now the whole standard has been set so far backwards (to the point that it feels like there is no standard) because we so eagerly sought out being treated like crap.  & the funny-sad thing is that we went for that guy not once, but again & again, until finally it seemed that "all the good guys" were taken b/c so few of the good guys were even left.

To the above, I know so many girls - including myself because I've seen it a hundred times - would say "ok fine, but what about the super nice guy who ends up with a complete super-B?"  We all know these couples as well, & you know, I have no idea what it is about so many people that makes them often seek out & end up with people who treat them awfully.

It's one of those great mysteries of life, but being the eternal optimist/idealisT that I am, I'm hoping that the generation that follows us at least learns from some of our mistakes versus repeating all of them... that they learn to heed the warning of all character red flags & bump the shady-jerk/b!tch-playerish-too-charming-for-their-own-good types (with a quickness!!)... & learn to pay attention to the maybe slightly more shy, subtle-good-human-being guy/girl type.

Here's to wishful thinking & g'nite ~ SmileMoon :)