Desperate for Check Mark Criteria...?

For those of you who've been following the blog or who possibly saw the last "text vs. calling" posting that caused quite a stir, you may have also seen the large slew of comments.  Sure, a lot of them were from yours truly trying to address various posters' comments, but there were 2 things that came up several times about desi women (& since I'm grouped into the whole lot of "us" I thought they needed to be addressed):  1)  An apparent air of desperation we all seem to have & 2)  Our supposed expansive list of "check mark criteria" that we are unwilling to compromise on which ultimately makes us pass up potential guys.

** Disclaimer -- Warning -- Alert -- Sirens ** - this is MY take on things.... I know I've always "disclaimered" things but I'm a bit hyper-sensitive to make that clear after the backlash from the last blog where some of the comments got a little too hectic & unpleasant for my taste (particularly the last one which was pure evil*).

Now, I don't mean to be all "woe is us to be women" but excuse me while I go there for a minute...  When a guy - no matter how old he may be - wants to settle down, find his "one," etc., his guy friends may raise an eyebrow (or are more like "don't do it dude!") if he's "too young," but the overall perception of him is nothing if not endearing... you know "aweeee, he's one of the good guys."  When a girl - no matter how old she may be - says she wants to settle down, find her "one" & the big dreaded "get married," she is perceived as desperate.  After reading all the comments from the last post, I thought "oh wow, us XX's are royally screwed," b/c I interpreted the comments like this... as a female, if you reciprocate interest (essentially show a smidgeon of wide-eyed excitement at meeting someone you are jiving with), you are desperate, & if you play games (intentionally act aloof, flutter about, etc.) you're disingenuous, manipulative or simply a B!

I wracked my brain trying to figure out what the fine balance of playing it cool & also showing interest would look like, and I just couldn't come to any kind of determination, because I think that no matter what our intentions are, a good majority of desi guys get completely freaked out (over & over again) by the majority of all us.  That's because no matter how we "act," they know that with most desi girls, whether you're 26 or 36, we are likely not looking for something casual.   These guys might be great guys who are really interested, but they're just not 100% sure, so instead of explore the possibility with you (& the seriousness/potential risk of what that would mean), they prefer to continue their search.  & they search... & they search ... & they search some more for that one girl that they are so sure about that the seriousness of pursuing something with her does not completely freak them out.

I'm not a guy here & as always this is just my SmileMoon perception of it all, but I can't help but believe that's what's going on.  Now ladies (& guys this should not be shocking to you b/c almost every girl - whether she watched Bollywood movies or not - falls into this category), I believe that since the beginning of when-we-started-liking-boys time (Mummy-Daddy-Auntie-everyone-but-Vijay-Uncle, I'm sorry to break it to you, but this was a long, looong time ago), if we're all honest with ourselves, 99.44% of us NEVER wanted anything casual EVER.  Even when we ended up in obviously casual situations (that we knew in our gut were wrong & our friends advised us weren't going to go anywhere), we hoped that our simply continuing to be present & our sweet wonderful selves, that it would all eventually come together & work out.  A lot of us had made & continue to make ourselves okay with casual hoping that it will eventually "work out" & turn into serious... he'll eventually realize if you just care for & love him even more, but we are too often disappointed as we painfully realize that we just wasted another few months (& sadly, sometimes years) on someone who was  "just not that into us," and the absolute worst part of it all is is realizing that you should have never been into him.

I've even seen a lot of friends or heard stories of friends-of-friends tolerating a whole lot of (for less than better words) CRAP/BS... essentially, un-fulfilling relationships, subpar if not completely degrading treatment, abuse - emotional, mental, physical - & everything across the spectrum of outright sucky guys, just for the sake of not being alone & due this eternal hope of being with their "one"/having their "happy ending."  My issue thankfully has never been that.  I don't do friends with benefits & once I realize you have sucky character or we just won't work (& in spite of how wildly attracted to you I am), I say "peace in the Middle East, these boots were made for walking, see ya, wouldn't want to be ya!"... Sorry, I got carried away at the thought of saying all those fun things I've never actually said & would never be bold enough to say!  Ha. :-P  I do, however, in an as uncomfie-for-me-and-the-other-person-way-as-possible, snip-snip that relationship/situation with a quickness.  (Side note on the "snip-snip," I'm pretty sure I stole that expression from someone & have made it my own, but it's a good one b/c when your gut tells you it's wrong, you need to get the snipping!)  My issue has always been getting majorly distracted by the super-fun, entertaining, & in my younger years, a lil' bad-a$$ guy.

My point is... Hmm... oh wow... I swear, I had a point... Oh yeah!  My point was.... Ladies, I think it's high time that we become very aware of what we are up against.  The same guys who we likely ignored/rejected in our younger years & got their hearts broken or trampled on countless times by a whole lot of us (even if it was unknowingly & unintentionally), well, those guys are now the ones with a whole lot of power & seemingly infinite choices.  He can choose you.  He can choose the younger version of you.  He can choose the non-Indian girl.   He can even choose the girl from India who is possibly younger-better-looking-just-as-(if not more)-modern-educated-cooks-&-cleans version of you.  Oh, & on top of ALL those options, time is also in his favor to make that choice.  I'm not saying HE is not a great option or that you shouldn't be interested in HIM, but when is the last time you expanded your options...?  Or actually, your "criteria"?

I can honestly say that my criteria has been in perpetual flux mode & continues to be.  Back in my early twenties, I was so off in the head that my criteria read something like this... tall (5'10" kinda tall b/c that's how tall my dad & brother are), handsome, fun, funny, super sweet (always in reference to "like my brother"), North Indian (in spite of all my non-North Indian friends, that was a must), non-veg only (I know that's the opposite of a lot of desi girls & it's actually a funny story that my friends like to tell), speaks Hindi, likes Bollywood, loves to dance, max 3 years older than me, blah blah.  The only thing that wasn't & I swear still isn't in my criteria is the whole "must-be-a-doctor/baller" criteria; do I like nice things & want a comfortable life?  Heck yeah, but the whole concept of status is lost on me & I'm the kind of person who can be comfie anywhere & with anything; if you know what this Hindi word means, in that sense I'm very "Bindaas".

Anywho, now since that whole PARAGRAPH of criteria (my god...), I have dated a half-Indian guy, a white guy who was 3 years younger than me, & been interested in guys who range from being my height, half & even twice my body size (a slight exaggeration...) & basically the opposite of everything listed above.  My "criteria" have definitely evolved just as I have, & most of the above are now non-factors (don't get me wrong, I still want to be with someone funny & sweet who I'm attracted to! :-P).  Someone posted this in the comments of my last blog, & I've heard it time and time again straight from the mouths of many Indian girls (of every age) who still want Indian-only along with ALL the criteria that I had back in my young 20's plus a guy who is preferably a doctor or at least makes more $$ than them.

I know, I know, it's what we/you want so why settle & all that...?  That's fair & I'm not here to judge anyone for sticking to their guns & "not settling;" all I can say though is what you already know - time waits for no one, so isn't it high time that we ALL evaluated our criteria, our actions as they relate to dating, what we ourselves have to offer (my fave line from an article I read recently is "you need to be the person you are seeking"), and instead of thinking of it as "settling" (which it is not), simply understand ourselves better & potentially evolve our criteria/deal breakers...?

Now that was directed towards my fellow ladies (that expression is any oxymoron, right...?)... having said all of that, I am in NO WAY saying that guys do not have their own criteria or in my opinion, often (just as women do) very skewed perceptions of themselves (to be later addressed in "Leagues.  Who's in? Who's out? & do they exist??").  Just as guys hate on us lot of females for preferring a guy who is taller than them, I have been on dating websites & out in the real world enough to not know of very many guys out there who are seeking girls who are taller & wider than them.  I think that sentiment is across the board, b/c just as most women like the "feeling" of a man who is in some way bigger than them, most men LOVE women who are significantly smaller than them & usually, the more petite the better.  I also know guys have criteria on everything from age, skin color, looks, education, whether a girl can cook or not & a whole spectrum of other things.  For some reason though, in spite of their having a whole slew of their own criteria, it's the women who get hated on for having theirs.  Again, woe is us! :-P

Anyway, as always, all of the above is simply something to think about, & I'd like to end with a brief story about a matchmaker, Bela Gandhi, who I met yesterday at the NetIP recruitment event (side note - NetIP Chi-town - which I am not on the board of so this is a personal plug - is going to be doing a lot of great things this year & has opportunities for everyone to get involved.  If you're interested in becoming a member/getting involved, def reach out to them.  Someone from the board can let you know how!).  Back to Bela!  I hope to get to know her better & eventually share more about what she does with all of you.  So while Bela, my engaged bff & I were talking, Bela mentioned an exercise that she does with people she works with that I thought all of us could benefit from.  She basically has the individual reach out to 6 of his/her closest friends/relatives asking them to give a full & anonymous evaluation (that goes directly to Bela) on the person's strengths/weaknesses (as they pertain to relationships, dating, how they are perceived, etc.) as well as why they think that person is still single.  Bela then processes all this information & has an at-length discussion which includes an action plan with that person.  Can you imagine....?  It's just as terrifying as it is exciting - knowing from your closest friends what they think your big issue/hold up is.  I'm almost tempted to reach out to some of my friends & have Bela or Vijay Uncle collect this info on me & have them tell it to me like it is.  Sure, I might cry & possibly want to jump off a bridge or something, but hey, I think we could all benefit from this kind of reality check because I think the good majority of us have huuuuge misperceptions of ourselves, our expectations & then some!

K, well, that's all for me.  As always, thanks for reading & your comments* are always appreciated!

Write soon ~ SmileMoon :)

* As for the comments, the last post's 30+ comments were awesome, & I was thrilled at the conversation that took place (a special shout out to P.Diddy, who kind of became the "go to" guy for insight & people's opinions! :-P).  I really hope everyone continues to be honest in their opinions & insights, and I beyond appreciate everyone who posted in a way that was considerate & not condescending, overly generalistic or just outright mean/unnecessary.  I would hope that I wouldn't have to request this (& you are still free to post & say whatever b/c unless it gets completely inappropriate, there will be no censorship here), but let's all please try to play nice & be as kind as possible. 

I'm not making that request b/c I can't handle the direct-at-SmileMoon jabs & nastiness; I knew what I was getting into when I started writing a blog on South Asian Dating.  Naturally, it is really easy to say whatever when you are posting anonymously & I sense that some people get some kind of sick thrill in belittling people, but whether you know me or not, most decent people would agree that those individuals are showing what kind of character they have (my 2 personal faves were my lovely 20-something acquaintence who always gets called back & would like me off the market for 2 months as well as another kind poster with his "you must be fat & unemployed and are therefore single" implication.).  At the end of the day, we are ALL a reflection of "what is out there" & the general spirit of our communicty, so my god, let's try our best to not horrify the opposite sex even more! :-P