Someone asked for a new topic, so I'm going to cop out a little here and throw this back at everyone following.
Write a post that fills in the following 4 statements.
1) Every girl should ____
2) Every guy should ____
3) Every girl should NOT ____
4) Every guy should NOT ____
I'll start us off...
Every girl should answer her phone when a guy calls, assuming she gave him a real number, (this is about common courtesy, maybe more calls would be made if they were answered/returned.)
Every guy should take a hint when a girl is not interested, (either she's actually not into you, prioritizing other parts of her life, playing games, you're coming off as an A**, or any number of other reasons.)
Every girl should NOT listen to her friends about who to date/marry... it's your life to live. (that said, when you're really into someone, it's hard to be objective, good counsel can be invaluable.)
Every guy should NOT listen to his friends about who to date/marry.... it's your life to live. (ditto above)
- Posted by a frequent commenter during SM's absence
- Posted by a frequent commenter during SM's absence
Posts
I know this is off topic, but I really need Vijay Uncle's advice. Vijay Uncle, I'm an ABCD girl dating a guy who moved here from India 10 yrs ago. I am almost 30 and have been following your advice and trying to find a spark in something I might not have otherwise. After a lot of time spent with him, I did find myself developing a spark and very grateful to find someone as wonderful and caring as him. It's only been 3 months, but yesterday I realized, he doesn't seem to be that in to me. He still talks to me every day and we meet and he is always there for me. He also doesn't seem too concerned that he doesn't feel a spark and thinks it will develop over time. I find that it is very easy for us to connect intellectually, but as time goes on, we're not able to connect emotionally. I don't feel secure in his affections for me. I've been in relationships in the past where the guy was obviously into me...would stare into my eyes, be irrationally drawn to see me, think about me in his free time and smile. I asked my guy about these things, and he's not feeling these things. Right now, we've taken 2 days apart to see if we miss each other and feel it, but I admit I'm scared of losing him. What if he never feels it? Is it still advisable to compromise and go ahead anyway if I feel emotionally not understood? Yesterday I tried explaining to him in detail that I felt we lacked an emotional connection. The poor guy tried so hard to understand but could not grasp exactly what I meant...it seemed he was just not a very emotional person and could not even manage a conversation about it...even though we've had hours upon hours of conversation about every other topic under the sun...in fact, he's a terrific conversationalist. I guess what I'm saying is there is no passion or emotional intimacy and I feel alone even though he's always there and goes out of his way to be there for me...perhaps out of duty or habit. He'd never cheat on me and he'd be a good husband and father too. Vijay Uncle, I'm so confused, please help. Thanks so much.
ReplyDeleteHi anonymous 9:26
ReplyDeleteIt sure sounds like a very confusing situation. Here are some of my thoughts. Based on what I read between the lines here… (I call this He likes you but does not love you after 3 months.)
1. Spark may develop over time but the sense of commitment needs to develop early on.
2. You have to dig deeper to define what do you mean by ‘not able to connect emotionally.” This is more about perception than reality.
3. When you say “I do not feel secure in his affection for me” could it be you rather than him?
4. Many guys who do not ‘would stare into my eyes, be irrationally drawn to see me” etc may make great husbands.
5. “I feel emotionally not understood?” You are not the only woman who is emotionally not understood. As a matter of fact from where most men stand we find most woman are too difficult or impossible to be understood.
6. I somehow feel bad for this poor guy he seems like a great guy, not playing games, making an effort, great conversationalist
7. “I feel alone even though he's always there and goes out of his way to be there for me” this might have lot to do with you than him and there is a good chance that you will feel alone with any other guy too.
8. Time is terrible thing to waste but here I would say you focus on your perception and seek professional help if necessary but make this a project.
9. Vacation is a great idea. But 2 days are not enough and most important part of vacation should be that both of you are clear on what you are doing and why you are doing what you are doing?
10. Would he happy to talk to you or him or both of you.
I hope this helps. Good luck. I have good news and bad news for you. Good news is … than nearly 80% of problem lies with you (so you may be able to work on it) and the bad news is that 80% of problem lies with you (hardest thing to do is to work on our selves.) :P
How do you girls exactly go about showing interest or non-interest? Is non-interest more about ignoring his calls or is it more than that?
ReplyDeleteThanks Vijay uncle for your reply. I am the poster whose post you replied too. I'm wondering why you feel sorry for him...I have been a good partner to him and committed as well. This is just a question I'm asking that I don't feel an emotional connection, which I have felt in previous relationships. When you don't feel someone understands you, you can still feel alone in their company. I don't think I need professional help or that I gave enough information for you to conclude I am 80% of the problem here. I have been there for him completely as well and this is something I only realized yesterday...that we weren't progressing and don't have emotional intimacy. I have felt secure in the affections of my past relationships...this is the first time I don't. What I'm trying to highlight and what has been mentioned in comments on other threads is why it is hard for ABCD women to connect with Indian men from India. Others mentioned too that it is difficult to establish that emotional connection. I do take my share of the blame...but don't really think this is a situation where anyone is to blame. We are kind to each other...I'm just saying we don't emotionally click, that's all. Whose fault is that? I have remained with him anyway and been patient and am still willing to work on it and be with him to explore it more. I'm just asking if you're advocating for these sort of marriages as well...where the spark isn't there.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your time...much appreciated.
“I'm wondering why you feel sorry for him.”
ReplyDeleteI feel bad for the guy because obviously he likes you and he is not going to be able to move on. There is nothing he can do to change your affection sensor. So he might end up burning valuable time – as you know ‘time is the terrible thing to waste!’
“I don't feel an emotional connection, which I have felt in previous relationships. When you don't feel someone understands you, you can still feel alone in his or her company. “
I think this may not change over time but actually get worse over time. So do not plan for 2 day vacation but choose either 3 months vacation or simply call it done and move on and let him move on.
“ I don't think I need professional help or that I gave enough information for you to conclude I am 80% of the problem here. “
While you are not able to quite put a finger on the problem there is a problem. Here is a nice guy by your own definition who is a good conversationalist, kind, treats you nice etc but you are not feeling that affection. That is where a professional can sort it out for you.
“ I have felt secure in the affections of my past relationships...this is the first time I don't. “
Well here is your homework. Please reflect upon why you did not take those secure affection relationship to the finish line? And why are you still wondering what to do with this one after 3 months of clear lack of feeling of security that you know from past relationships. Just let him GO.
“What I'm trying to highlight and what has been mentioned in comments on other threads is why it is hard for ABCD women to connect with Indian men from India. “ That is absolutely understandable. When you come from two different worlds it is hard for ABCD gal to connect with FOB guy.
“I do take my share of the blame”
You should not make this about blaming anyone. This is about simple acceptance of the fact that if it does not work it would server both of you to move on. No need to blame anyone. You both are decent human beings.
“I'm just asking if you're advocating for these sort of marriages”
No, I am not advocating these sorts of marriages. As a matter of fact I am encouraging funeral and autopsy so you can move on soon.
Anon 9:26,
ReplyDeleteask yourself if you would be comfortable with a lifetime of a relationship where you don't emotionally connect, but the commitment is there. where you feel alone while you are in a relationship. is this something that would be okay with you for the next 40plus years?
1:19,
ReplyDeleteignoring calls is not non-interest. some girls play hard to get, so keep calling if you are interested. some girls like to be pursued. I never pick up the phone first time a guy calls, and then I allow him to call me again. so just keep calling.
1. Every girl should pay attention to the men who are interested in her, and if one of them is a really nice guy who meets 75-80% of criteria, be open to getting to know him.
ReplyDelete2.Every guy should: Ask a girl out he is interested in. He has nothing to loose. There are so many men out there, trying to get there greedy little hands on YOUR girl.
3. Every girl should not: Pursue a man.
4. Evry guy should: Look at the whole package and not just superficial things like a job or beauty. Ask yourself, can this woman be my best friend? Is she going to be loving and faithful? Are we compatible? Do I love her? Passion alone does not equal compatibility. So pick someone on based on a broad criteria and not just superficial criteria like looks, age or chemistry.
926 - Here is my take. This guy sounds like a great best friend to have (yes a guy and girl can be a best friend). You are afraid to lose him since you have such an awesome platonic friend of the opposite gender, and these are extremely hard to find.
ReplyDeleteHowever, as a previous person noted, you answered your own question: "I feel alone when I am with him." You are debating whether this is ok now because he is not the center of your life and you don't live with him. Trust me, you dont want to be married and still feeling alone with the guy. That is setting yourself up for disaster.
I applaud you for being so logical and methodological about this -- you have introspected, talked to him openly about it, and asked people here. But clearly he has a hard time even talking about the subject - big red flag.
My take is that he would make a good husband according to Vijay Uncle, by what defined a good husband in the last generation. Plenty of Uncles I know are great loyal Dads, who never cheated on and were always there for their wives, the Aunties, but never ever were emotional support for those Aunties. Well guess what --- the couple raised strong successful kids, live in a nice home, have freedom, but the Aunties are still unhappy and wish they had an emotional bond with their husband.
But you don't have to have an arranged marriage. You don't need for your husband to be what they were for the Aunties in the last generation. You can earn on your own, you can provide that security yourself. Many Aunties lived with the downside, the lack of emotional connection, since the husband provided the financial freedom -- you are not getting that upside, so trust me, you won't be able to take the downside of no emotional connection either.
I hate saying this since you probably are hoping it will work out since he is clearly a great guy to you -- but the answer is to move on, romantically speaking.
So how do you girls show interest? Apart from saying yes to a date that the guy asks you out on, being friendly on the date and maybe even offering to pay as politeness.
ReplyDeleteAnon 1:19
Thanks Anon 6:47 for your heartfelt reply... Anon 926
ReplyDelete1) Every girl should have lots of patience to filter & find the right partner she's looking for without giving up hope. Sometimes it will happen suddenly when you're NOT looking.
ReplyDelete2) Every guy should be honest about his feelings & if he's not sure about his feelings, should NOT lead the girl on.
3) Every girl should NOT frantically look for the guy to marry tomorrow - chill out and just look for friendship initially - nice if it turns out romantic at a later stage; if not you have a good friend for life.
4) Every guy should NOT put himself in the marriage market unless he is ready for that kind of commitment.
One more word of advice for everybody - find a gentle way of letting the other person know you're not interested.
1) Every girl should be open minded about who she is willing to meet, and have realistic expectations. Just because you want a checklist guy does not mean there is any chance one wants to be with you.
ReplyDelete2) Every guy should stop confusing lust for love. Thinking "she is hot, this is fun, and maybe over time I will like her for non superficial reasons" is a bad idea.
3) Every girl should NOT hope against hope that "he may like me" -- if he likes you, it will be painfully obvious.
4) Every guy should NOT be turned off by smart, intelligent women with good careers. They can and will be good wives and Mom's too - you don't need a younger, slimmer version of your stay at home Mom to have a good family and marriage.
And for everyone -- everyone should be open minded about looking outside one's 30 mile radius. We are blessed to live in an era of eharmony and shaadi.com.
4:27 do you enjoy the "game" of it all? or does this serve some other purpose?
ReplyDeleteI'd say guys should call 2-3x max and then just move on, unless of course you believe in unrequited love.
6:34 if a girl should not pursue a man, does you mean to suggest she should never initiate interest? either by approaching or calling?
Do you mean that broad criteria should be used for the long term or the initial approach? if the latter, how do you make that assessment without first approaching someone based on superficial things?
Nilu 1) I think guys can also follow your advice for being patient and ready for the unexpected moment. 2) I agree with what you're saying, guys this is a lot easier by constantly being honest with yourself and her in each moment. if she's into you, she'll give you some time to get clarity. 3) sounds like great advice 4) I doubt any guy will propose marriage without knowing they're ready. I also doubt guys will ever refrain from dating until they're ready for marriage. The first 3 sound great, the last one seems wishful.
12:23 1) if a girl wants a checklist guy, then simply ask yourself if you're living up to the same standard for it's own sake. Guys can take the same lesson here, a quality girl/guy will see through any pretense. 2) I don't know... seems to me this approach could work. 3) Why do you say PAINFULLY obvious? 4) Please don't tell all guys this... they don't need to be let in on the secret.
For the girl desperately seeking advice, I am not Vijay Uncle but I am a guy and I know how guys think. It sounds to me that you really should be with someone who is as into you as you are into him.
ReplyDeleteFrom your description, it sounds to me that your guy is "going with the flow" but is not *really* into you. Maybe he thinks that he can't do any better than you, maybe he genuinely feels lucky to be with you, but it really seems to be another case of "he's just not that into you."
Don't waste anymore time in this situation, whic seems like a deadly venus flytrap. Get out and don't look back. You clearly have a lot to offer, if guys have been gaga over you in the past, and I'm sure you'll find someone who is equally into you as you are into them. Do not give up!
Anon 3:14
A tip for girls who intentionally avoid calls (foolishly thinking that this makes them more desirable) or do not return calls.... a quality guy will know that he is worth his salt and will not put up with the BS. If you do not call him back, he will view it as your loss, not his! Take it for what it's worth.
ReplyDeleteMy answers
ReplyDelete1) Every girl should be authentic / not play games. Reciprocate interest when you like a guy.
2) Every guy should only go after girls that they really like, and not participate in the "thrill of the chase."
3) Every girl should NOT feel pressured to get married or settle down. Take your time and wait for someone who is a good fit.
4) Every guy should NOT lead girls on, even though it may make you feel good.
I agree with Anon 3:14
ReplyDeleteHe is giving you a clear signal that "he's just not that into you." But when a guy is so kind and nice it is hard to overcome wishful thinking. One of the women in my seriously looking album also had a friend like yours. He would text her few times a day but the conversation never went to wards goal line. One day she slipped out the fact that she was on my serious album and now engaged in Assisted matching process. She witnessed instant transformation. He suddenly opened up and now discussing the possibility of 'us.' Well in this case the guy suddenly realized that he had to make up his mind one way or the other the train might leave. If he had just wished well to this lady we would have known beyond reasonable doubt that there was no future besides being a good friend.
A tip for girls who intentionally avoid calls (foolishly thinking that this makes them more desirable) - This is most counter productive strategy. Let us not forget that if the guy is desirable he is likely to have more than a few girls interested in him. So being a stuck up or hard to get or elusive may mean that someone else with common sense and straight approach may get there before you. This is what you do when you are a teenager. There is a difference between sending a clear signal to the guy that based on what I know about you I am interested in exploring the possibility of 'us' versus being desperate. Best way to win is not to play the game at all!
1) Every girl should live her life to the fullest and appreciate it. Be comfortable with yourself. Know who you are and what you are about before trying to know someone else. That way, when it is time to get married, there are no regrets. Never look back and say "what if..."
ReplyDelete2) Every guy should...same as #1 except her = his.
3) Every girl should NOT put her life on hold cause she is not married.
4) Every guy should NOT mess around with girls who are genuinely interested in finding a life partner. If you are looking to hook up, look for the girl who wants the same thing.
Rahul, why be an armchair quarterback and only comment on the comments of others? Where is your list answering the 4 should/should nots?
ReplyDeletehey all, SM here from India. rahul, thanks for posting while i'm away. here are a few thoughts on the above... 9:26, i hope you were able to find some clarity here. your concern is completely valid & i agree with whoever said that a great # of relationships from our parents generations played out exactly like described... the husbands/fathers were "great" because they were loyal & provided for their families, but when it came to being a true emotional partner, that was either null or limited.
ReplyDeletei don't think that you feeling how you do means that you have any kind of problem that needs therapy. i've had that feeling of emotional emptiness & being alone while in a relationship, and as much as we can justify that the person is wonderful in so many ways, nothing exceeds that crucial emotional connection.
6:47, your post was very thoughtful & completely on point as far as i see it.
** Uncle, question for you - someone is now engaged post-being in your Seriously Looking album? Can you share more on that? I think everyone would be very interested.
as for avoiding calls, as i've admitted before, i've definitely given my # b/c i felt bad & then not answered b/c i wasn't really interested, but i've never not answered a call to play games or make a guy work more at "pursuing me." anytime i have been interested in a guy & he's been in touch, i either answer his call or return it if i happened to miss it.
now, as for "shoulds & should nots," this is just a quick something for everyone...
EVERYONE should stop playing games... stop wasting their own time & wasting the time of others... start treating people (in relationships, dating or otherwise) the way they wish to be treated themselves rather than being all about "me"... re-evaluate their personal criteria & consider what they, themselves, have to offer... stop ignoring blatant red flags & get out of unfulfilling, emotionally abusive or negative relationships... start being clear in their intentions (too many girls make it seem like they are a-okay with uber-casual hoping that it will one day eventually transform into more & then they are left wondering why it doesn't) & too many guys make it seem like they are really interested in a girl but they are only seeking a hook-up/time-pass (sorry, i'm in uber-fob mode right now).
12:12 guys, definitely be clear about your intentions, often leading to surprising positive results... this is risk-taking behavior at it's best
ReplyDelete11:37 Sorry for the confusion, I hope it's clear now that I wrote the original post. By the by, how about registering your name, so our community can get to know each other by name?