(For those of you who I've had recent conversations with about the blog, I wrote this post well before I left for India in March, but just never got around to posting it. Dating websites happened to be coming up a lot recently, so here's at least one more SM-post...)
Shaadi.com... 1,400,000 matches & counting... “Ranked the most visited matrimonial website in the world!” (Ranking.com). Now, I know everyone has an opinion about the desi dating websites, but that # is pretty remarkable to me (although it probably shouldn't be considering we Indians have wildly overpopulated this world!) especially if 1.5 million matches means that almost 3 million people are now married. & on top of that, that # doesn't include all the people who don’t inform Shaadi.com that they were a success story due to their services or who make up stories about how they met other than Shaadi!
Now, admitting this might make me instantaneously pathetic or "Omg, you've been 'looking' for that long & still haven't found someone. What's wrong with you??" but you know me, ever the glutton for some hateration. :) Anywho, here it goes... (roll sheepish music)... in some form or another, I've been on some kind of online dating website since I was 23. I remember it distinctly; my girlfriend from undergrad had recently gotten married & I'd been in the DC area for 2 years with nada happening on the meeting guys front. A handful of (older) friends of mine had mentioned IndianDating.com & Shaadi.com as being good ways of meeting people (one was seriously dating someone & a guy friend had recently gotten engaged to someone), so I said what the heck, let's do this! Side note - I was not ready to be married at 23, but I did think it made sense to eventually start dating someone so it would all happen when I thought I'd wanted it to - 26! :-D
I remember a few months into it, I was killing time at work & chatting on AIM with a good guy friend of mine. I'd told him that I'd gotten on a dating website & suggested that he do the same. He got on the website, & ironically enough (majorly ironically for me uhh... considering it is 7 years later & here I am blogging about it! :-P), within 2 weeks, a GORGEOUS, incredibly sweet, amaaazing personality & perfectly-matched-up-to-him-in-every-way Gujarati girl reached out to him (now he's totally easy on the eyes, but she is WOW - sorry if you are reading, but you know it's true!), & I think they were engaged within a couple of months, and married within a year or so. I'm still good friends with the guy; the 2 of them are a great couple, & to this day, I give him flack for not getting a shout out at the wedding reception for making it all happen! (I'm also a glutton for praise :-D)
My online world experiences along the way included the following... multiple phone/e-mail connections that eventually resulted in in-person meetings... one that included me walking right past the guy b/c "that couldn't possibly be him," another where the guy definitely must have listed his height when wearing heels b/c I don't wear them, am a solid 5'4" & was looking him dead in the eyes (not that the height thing was the biggest issue; it was the misrepresentation), & many more instances where the in-person connection did not line up to the tele/e-communicating & glamour shot picture I'd seen online.
In my younger to mid-20's, as a non-paid member, I remember being overwhelmed at the number of "interests" I would get every day & would "decline" like it was my J.O.B. Decline, decline, decline, ma-aaybe, actually nope, de-cline! I rejected on all kinds of "criteria" & was specifically looking for a guy raised in North America, 5'8" or taller, a North Indian guy who ideally also spoke Hindi & oh, someone who was smashingly good looking. Yes, I know very well what they say about Karma, but I’d like to think that was less me being an evil human being (anyone who has been on a dating website has used the “Decline” button) & more just being naïve thinking that the guy possibilities were infinite which is exactly how the online dating world can make one feel.
Well, now, at 30, with a profile edited by my brother & a membership sponsored by my father (true story, finding SM her jeevan saathi is completely a family effort :-P), things are a bit different... Whereas in my 20's, I could get hundreds of interests in a week, now if I even get 10, it's been a really strong week. Now, I might be lying to myself, but I really don't think that I've aged that dramatically (& I might really be lying to myself even more but I think I actually look better than I did back then), so I don't think it's the looks thing. I do, however, think it's definitely the age thing or at least that's a biggie. (If you haven't read my "Great Age Debate" posting, you can see my in-depth thoughts on that topic :-P).
Nowadays, I'm definitely not as quick to reject people although I'm sorry, what's that saying... a picture says a thousand words? The guys with 3 pics all wearing sunglasses, or every picture has a girl in it (this to me just shows lack of common sense) & quite honestly, the guys I just know I'd never be attracted to, I do decline. Declining is an unfun thing whether you are on the delivering or receiving end, but what I do find highly amusing are the pre-written rejection statements that the websites make for you... From Shaadi - "Hello, Thanks for expressing interest in my profile. I may not be a suitable match for you (I love it, it's not you, it's me!) Wish you good luck in your partner search" & my favorite is from JeevanSathi - "We are sorry, but your profile does not meet our expectation. Keep looking there must be someone out there for you." How encouragingly sweet? Lol.
Another bizarro thing that happens often as of lately is that a guy will express interest in me, I'll accept back, write a one or two liner about how I don't check my shaadi e-mail account & can be reached at my real e-mail address & then nada. This whole express interest, I reciprocate & then never hear from them thing has happened to me more times than I can count, & although I can definitely get that the person is now communicating with someone else, is no longer interested, etc., I don't understand how that all goes down so quickly and why people keep their interests "open" when they are apparently no longer interested.
Or, there are those people that you will hear back from initially, but it takes them 2-4 weeks before they get around to communicating again. I'm Ms. Reply-in-a-Jiffy-otherwise-I'm-likely-to-not-reply-at-all, & I understand that most people aren't like that in general & that especially when it comes to "dating," people like to sit on messages for a few days so as not to seem hard pressed. So I decided to wait to respond a few days to play it cool, play the game, whatever, but doing that just resulted in more of the same. I also used to never express interest in guys, but have started to (all of about 4), & it's the same thing all over again. Because I'm a paid member, I'll write something brief & witty (or so I think) along with my "expression of interest", the guy will accept, & then nothing. At the end of the day, I know that it's the online world, so basic common courtesy & etiquette is a non-factor to most whereas yours truly, queen of guilt, tries to acknowledge everyone including the ones she has to reject.
In spite of all these experiences and those that countless girlfriends (as well as guy friends who have horror stories of whacky/misrepresented/lack-of-connection girls they've met) have had, I still think online dating websites are a great way to put yourself out there considering that we all know that in-person dating has its own many frustrations. I definitely believe that no one way is perfect or right, but considering that it's just one way/time that needs to "work," the more ways in which you put yourself out there - whether it be actively asking your friends/family to introduce you to people, heading to every desi "networking" event you can, being in Vijay Uncle's Seriously Looking Albums, or the countless dating websites (desi & non) - the more likely you are to eventually meet someone. To borrow from my dear friend & matchmaker, Bela Gandhi, it's all about "casting your net as wide as possible."
The biggest thing is to realize that you will continue to get the same results if you continue to do the same exact thing. Yes, for those of us in this single boat it's really easy to get jaded because we feel that in spite of our best efforts (& our strong belief that we are really nice, normal & moderately attractive people so it shouldn't be this difficult!), but if time has taught us anything, it should be that Mr. Prince Charming or Ms. Fair & Lovely is not going to show up at our doors.
Another big thing to keep in mind is getting rid of this whole silly feeling of "feeling desperate b/c you are 'looking'" Everyone, at pretty much every stage in their life (since their hormones kicked in) has had their eyes open & is "looking" whether or not they openly say they are & irrespective of whether they were ready to settle down or not. If everyone stopped trying to play it so cool & made the effort required to make this eventually happen, I think far more love connections would be happening. One other big thing is that in spite of your age - whether you are in your 20's to 40's - let's stop writing off people that we actually connect with due to logistical/circumstantial reasons. Let's throw caution to the wind (in a still moderate & practical way) & at least explore/humor possibilities whether it be with that one guy you met at the NetIP conference who lives across the country or you're completing residency (your MBA, going through some other life phase/transition that causes you to compartmentalize, etc.) & "have no time." I've seen, experienced it & probably done it myself enough times, where both guys & girls pass up a great connection they have with someone due to circumstances & it's unfortunate because years - for some people their whole lives - have passed by playing it like Goldilocks & waiting for everything to be "just right." & one piece of advice specific to the ladies, in spite of my still fully believing that a guy should do the actual "chasing," I've realized that some guys just don't pick up on our signals no matter how transparent we think we're being or at the end of the day, they are just nervous about being rejected. So, definitely don't chase, stalk or anything along those lines, but a friendly lil' nudge might just give him the confidence boost that he needs & get things going in the right direction.
Some ending thoughts for those on the websites or considering exploring them... Regarding pictures... no sunglasses, should be within the last 3 years, should not have someone from the opposite sex in them (it doesn't matter that it's your sister/brother - the person looking doesn't know that) & your main picture probably shouldn't have a baby in it unless he/she is your own... should accurately reflect what you really look like as much as possible (the more pics you can post, the better). Regarding your profile... Grammar & spell check is a MUST (my general rule is: 2 missing prepositions/misspellings & I'm out!) If you are a guy avoid saying that you are seeking someone "very good looking, attractive, etc." This is an "uh duh" & does not need to be stated... Have someone from the opposite sex (that you trust & who will be frank with you) review your profile & even better, have a few people you trust, give you feedback... Try your hardest not to be uber generic - say something clever, witty (but not sarcastic), interesting about you - your interests, somewhere you've traveled, anything. & lastly, I don't know about all of you, but as soon as I see that the profile is posted by someone other than the person himself, I usually pass that profile up; whether you don't know that your family is searching on your behalf or you allow them to screen for you, I find it all disconcerting.
Well, that's all from me! I would love to hear about your online dating experiences - good or bad - or perhaps, even some success stories of you or someone else meeting someone they are now with online.
Write Soon ~ SmileMoon :)
People are very open-minded about new things - as long as they are exactly like the old ones. - Charles F. Fettering
Posts
Sunglasses in profile photos are indicative of evasiveness. It is indicative of one hiding something or being guarded and defensive, none of which makes a recipe for the right relationship. I never accept the sunglass folks.
ReplyDeleteI read a research that said that men who are in demand via good looks, money, and Charisma, were more likely to be dissatisfied with their spouses than men who were less attractive than their spouses and the ones that were dorks were more appreciative.
ReplyDeleteImagine a man, who has it all, and has access to many women before marriage, can he really be satisfied with just 1 woman after marriage. The research suggests dissatisfaction. Anyways, it stated that women who were more attractive then their men, marriages like these, both parties were satisfied. So, according to the research you could end up being more happier with a Govinda than a John Abraham.
What if the picture is from you traveling, it was sunny out, you're smiling and have sunglasses on? What is wrong with that picture?
ReplyDeleteCurious Male Reader (trying to figure out which pictures to put on shaadi)
This post takes courage to write. Most people are embarrassed by saying that they are on shaadi but the truth is if you want something, you need to go put yourself out there.
ReplyDelete9:53 pm - what that research said makes total sense to me; i know lots of real-life relationships where the balance in attractiveness is slightly in the woman's favor & it plays out just as you stated.
ReplyDelete10:50 pm - i would say that if your last picture (of the 3 you can post) is of you in sunglasses from traveling, then that's totally fine. there are just a lot of people who lead with the sunglasses or go with multiple sunglasses pics. those are the ones that i (& i think 2:06) was referring to.
11:50 pm - thank you for thinking so. i wish that our community/culture (at least those in our generation) would be as open-minded & transparent as possible. there's a huge amount of us in this single boat, & if people didn't hesitate to say "hey, i'm seriously looking" (put themselves on shaadi, VJ uncle's seriously looking album or shoot, even send a bio-data type e-mail to friends), i think we'd all start getting it together on the relationship front much sooner.
thanks all for reading & posting :)
It would be really interesting to hear from a guy who's doing the whole online dating thing on why he might contact a girl or accept her interest and then not follow up.
ReplyDeleteI can totally relate to this blog post. I, too, am almost 30 and have been on one dating website or another since I was 22ish. I've tried them all - Shaadi, Indiandating, Match, Eharmony, even BharatMatrimony! I've actually had a couple relationships with guys I've met on dating sites and have always thought they were a great way to meet people. Until recently. All of a sudden, it seems almost impossible to meet someone online. You would think it would get easier as we get older because people are more settled in their careers, they are largely done with schooling, they are "ready" for the next step, etc etc. But I've found that to be wishful thinking. The # of contacts I get has drastically gone down from what I used to get in my early to mid 20's. (Probably because I've already talked to, dated, or declined 75% of the guys on those sites!) And it seems there is less urgency, instead of more, in responding to emails and following up on contacts. It seems that people are exhausted with going through the motions of online dating - contact someone, accept interest, write email, receive email, respond to email, receive response, phone call #1, phone call #2, first date... you have to go through several steps before you even get to the first date. Only to find out that the person doesn't even look like their picture. It's just exhausting, especially after having been online for several years and having cyber-dated what seems like 100's of people. So I don't really blame people for not being consistent in their replies at this age, however, that's why I feel online dating is just not working anymore.
Oh and to add to your rules, someone who writes IN ALL CAPS IS A TOTAL TURNOFF. DO NOT WRITE LIKE THIS BECAUSE IT LOOKS LIKE YOU ARE YELLING. Or even worse are the guys who write LiKe ThIs, LiKe SeRiOuSlY aRe YoU a HiGh ScHoOl GiRl??
Mr. Cool - it is 2010. Most of us are super busy and want a wide range of potential options. To say "most" are embarassed to say they are on Shaadi.com is ridiculous. Most people who are single for years, in their late 20s or early 30s, and are not on the site or some dating site get looks of "uhh, what are you doing? are you really that scared of modern technology?"
ReplyDeleteAnd SM - here is a success story for you. I signed up for Match, eHarmony, and Shaadi. I met amazing Indian girls and found my now serious GF. The Vijay Uncle serious question list helped a lot too in determining who to be serious with and who not to be. So props to you and him. Process took 8 months all in all (the first 4 months were soooo frustrating).
On the topic of amazing Indian girls --- I cannot believe how many fun, smart, down to earth, gorgeous, single Indian girls are both out there AND on these sites. A single Indian guy who is not on the sites, well talk about a bad decision.
Oh and to add to my comment at 8:32
ReplyDeleteSM, let me explain and answer this implicit question you asked as to why this happens; this being: "bizarro thing that happens ... a guy will express interest in me, I'll accept back, write a one or two liner about how I don't check my shaadi e-mail account & can be reached at my real e-mail address & then nada."
OK, I hate to reveal the truth here, but here it is. Shaadi.com now allows you to express interest to 50 people a day, without reading their profile. So if I do a search for US Citizen in the US, 5'-5'5, slim, with picture --- 100s of results pop up. I can check the first 50, click express interest, and send the SAME canned message to all of them. Yes, 1 click, 20 seconds, 50 people contacted. People are busy, this saves tons and tons of time (assume 1/2 min to read a profile properly, so 50 is 25 min -- vs. the 20 second approach).
Then, when someone actually accepts, I can read her profile (for the first time) and see if I am interested to write back.
I know this sucks, given it means an expression of interest isn't really interest beyond your picture (or some guys, just go for the "nothing to lose" approach and email all results even if no picture). But this is why this happens. Lots of guys I know do this approach.
8:31 - so basically we've had the same experiences & if nothing else, it's always nice to know that someone else understands what you're going through. & your reasons on lack of effort & less urgency are completely on point; it's just sad nonetheless.
ReplyDelete8:32/4 - your comments were awesome - specifically your first one with your personal success story & even if i'm just taking it as an unintended self-compliment, what you said about there being so many great desi girls on these sites. as for your 2nd comment, if nothing else, i'm a girl who def wants to hear the truth, so thank you. it's good to know that's standard protocol for many & if that's the case, i'd say that all of us should definitely explore multiple sites as you did or should get ourselves on VJ uncle's albums. at least there, whether it be just b/c of the connection through VJ uncle or the public "responsibility" of being on his page, there's more likely to be accountability & follow up if communication is initiated.
yes, i know, i'm not on it myself, but once i get settled in a month or so (& if uncle will still have me on there!), then i plan on it.
To Anon at 8:32/4 - Thanks for shedding some light on the reason why a guy might contact you initially and then not respond after that. However, it does not answer the alternative situation: What about when I contact a guy, and he accepts. Then I respond with a clever yet concise email within 2-3 days and poof! He disappears. No response! What's the explanation there? I can't imagine that my 4-5 line email would have turned him off to the point where he doesn't want to even talk anymore.
ReplyDelete- Anon at 8:31.
I think Vijay Uncle had an interesting post on his blog about how men's target age for women changes very little as the men get older. A 30-something year old man (deservingly, or not) is still often after a 20-something year old woman. And a 40-something year old man is probably a confirmed bachelor.
ReplyDelete11:20, that is def true. if anyone does a search on men on shaadi.com & checked out the age range on their "desired partner preferences," you'll often see 36 year olds seeking "23 - 31 year olds." there are those guys who include their own age in their range, but there are def more of the former than latter from what i have seen. the interesting thing that i saw in india & the newspapers while i was there was that guys who are, for example, 32 are not seeking girls so much younger than them. they might be looking for as young as 28/29, but not much younger. my aunt said that's b/c the girls in india are usually looking for a guy their age or just 1-2 years older & most would be horrified at the prospect of marrying someone 5+ years older than them.
ReplyDeleteLoved the post, SM! Felt like I was reading my own thoughts. I thought I would share my success story here to help promote a little encouragement to online dating websites. Like most desi women, my parents had been on my case since I was 21 about getting married. I definitely was not in any mindset for marriage - I actually didn't contemplate the need to settle down till around the age of 25. After several arguments and threats, my father finally backed down with the ultimatum that if I didn't find a guy by the age of 24, I had to allow him free reign to "find me a boy". I continued on with my dating pattern of misguided love-connections, believing that 3 years would be plenty of time for me to find "THE ONE". Of course, my 24th birthday came and went and, before I even knew it, I was receiving an influx of emails stating that so-and-so had expressed interest in me. True to his word, dad had signed me onto 3 dating websites, including Shaadi.com, and gave me some ridiculous screen name with some fobbed out blog that actually included “looking for boy who is educated and handsome”. After WWIII ensued, I negotiated our verbal contract that I would keep the dating profiles up as long as I was permitted to act as proprietor. Of course, with my busy schedule of full time work and a full time master’s program, I could only focus on one site and I chose to use Shaadi.com while my dad still meddled on the other sites. Your experiences reflect my own. I was hitting decline far too many times for profiles that clearly did not match my not-so-subtle request for a Malayalee Christian living in the United States, for profile that did not include a picture or included a creepy picture, or any profiles that were not created by the individual himself. The few interests that I accepted were all out of state but I kept up the back and forth emails and the late night phone calls. I’m also an old-fashioned girl and I believe that the guy should pursue the girl; this stubborn mentality kept me from becoming a paying member on Shaadi (after all, he should message me first and then I can message him back for free anyway), prevented me from making travel plans to meet up (if he really wants to pursue a relationship, he’ll offer to fly down to FL just to see me), and stopped me from proactively expressing interest in guys on the site (would they think it’s desperate if I make the first move?). Most of the guys never offered to make the trip to visit and I soon got bored of talking on the phone to a complete stranger. If we didn’t meet in person, I didn’t know if we really clicked and if I didn’t know if we clicked, I wasn’t going to bother becoming emotionally invested. I had my little local distractions every now and then when I became lonely or bored which obviously kept me from taking the site seriously. I started to realize that the long distance thing wasn’t working for me (this is not a problem for everyone because my friend met someone long distance on a dating site and they are happily married now). So, at the ripe age of 28, I started to search myself and I filtered my searches to Florida only. Less than a month later, I had a request from a Maly guy who lived literally 15 minutes away from me. I accepted his request and for a few days heard nothing from him. Same old story. About 5 days later, I get a message on facebook from the same guy. Turns out he didn’t have a paid membership either but he was determined to find me so he perused through several of his Malu friends profiles on facebook until he found a my picture that was one of my profile pics on Shaadi. I was thoroughly impressed by his resourcefulness and persistence. We’ve been together now for 3 months and are already discussing marriage. Just wanted to say good luck and on all your searches and keep the posts coming!
ReplyDeleteGod bless!
2:46, thanks for taking the time to share your story - it's a good one (so good that if you were want to write something for this blog, just let me know at smilemoonblog@gmail.com)! :)
ReplyDeletenaturally, being a girl & on top of that a total sap, i love that your guy hunted you down on FB to get in touch with you - so cute! & the fact that you're dating now & already talking marriage is just great.
i'm so happy that people are sharing success stories, b/c i think too often, we have (or someone we know has) a bad experience in some kind of dating situation (online, speed dating, etc.) & as a result, we then close our minds to that forever by generalizing that "all so & so's" are awful, pointless, suck, etc.
some people get off websites permanently; some people even go as far as refusing to go out "b/c they never meet anyone" but we all need to keep in mind (& as "uh duh" as this sounds) that the more portals we close to meeting people & the more close minded we are due to circumstantial things (or even something like pride with girls refusing to contact guys), the less likely we are to ever meet that person.
thanks for such a positive message & the good luck wishes.
all the best to you as well ~ SM :)
2:46: your story is inspiring..best of luck:)...great post again SM...i know many people who have found their partners thru online sites--i personally found mine through a newspaper ad...old school I know..:)
ReplyDeleteWhat is up with "Visible upon accept?" on Shaadi or people who password protect their pictures? There should be no shame in this search process and putting up all these hoops to jump through just to get to the most important thing at least initially - a picture - is annoying. Are people embarrassed that people they know will see them??
ReplyDeletethanks 3:59. & wow, the newspaper... def old school, but also very interesting. did that happen in india or here? any details would be much appreciated :)
ReplyDeletehi SM--I'm 3:59--The reader's digest version of my oh-so-romantic story:
ReplyDeleteMy husband is born/brought up in India and i'm a bonafide CA girl, but like you, I hold my indianness very close to me. I was 25 and casually looking around for dating/serious relationships. My dad had gone to visit India and brought back the TimesOfIndia newspaper matrimonial section just to peruse. My mom saw the NRI section and my husbands ad seemed to pop out at her. She convinced me to e-mail him just to see where things may go, so we e-mialed and soon after started talking on the phone. We had so much in common and enjoyed talking so much that short conversations turned into long ones, and soon we knew there was something more between us. Logistics made it difficult for us to meet in person right away, so after almost 6 weeks of talking, we met. We knew we definitely liked each other, so the next step was me going to INDIA!! to meet his mom and dad. (Side note: in our talking, and his parents speaking to mine, we realized we had common relations back in India!!), upon reaching India, meeting his parents, the next day we were "engaged", and 3.5 years later, the rest is history....
Perhaps this approach doesnt work for all US born/bred gals and guys, i didnt even think it would work for me. But lo and behold, Im happily married now for almost 4 years and Ive learned to beelive that there is someone out there for everyone, and we all find him or her, some sooner than others...
thanks SM for great posts. I always look fwd to reading them...
SM--im 3.59 again--my husband was already in the US for 5 years before we married--just to clarify
ReplyDeleteSM, yes, you and VJ Uncle are in large part responsible for my success story. So do take it as a compliment. My GF was just saying the other day that if we get married (yes we are close enough that she knows she can say this "if" without me freaking out) that we need to invite you and VJ Uncle to the wedding!
ReplyDeleteAnon 8:31 -- "it does not answer ... when I contact a guy, and he accepts. Then I respond with a clever yet concise email within 2-3 days and poof! He disappears. No response! What's the explanation there?"
OK so being guilty of this, let me explain.
1) If he is not a paid member, he can accept but then never be able to contact you if you don't initiate contact.
2) You password protected your picture but haven't sent the password. Well again, he accepts but with no password he figures to not wast his time. By the way, everyone should be visible or visible upon accept at Shaadi, period. They need to cancel the password thing.
3) In your case, you don't have this issue. You contacted, he has your email and picture, and accepted. And then not written back (I and guy friends 100% have done this). Reasons
a) She wrote the intro email but it felt like "she took the lead" --- if it was a "hey, looking forward to knowing you more, my email is ___, take care" --- well then she left it up to me to take the lead. Guys can get turned off if they believe she is taking the lead.
b) Guys eyes wander. In the 2-3 days since you wrote, some other girl accepted who he finds cuter. He decides to focus his energy on that. We are all busy and don't have time for multiple email threads.
c) He accepted quickly (saw your pic, liked it) but then when he later read your profile, wasn't feeling it. I know I have done this. Quick trigger finger auto-pilot -- girl sends interest, girl has cute picture, me = accept without reading her profile. Then a couple days later I read it, and am not interested.
And by the way, only an insecure man who is 30 wants a 23-25 year old. He wants to feel young again, feel like "the man" having this young thing. Get over it guys! The odds of divorce are a lot higher too. I would take a smart, charming, well educated, humble, beautiful 1-yr-younger girl regardless of my age ANY day. And I did (she's 1 yr younger).
-Anon 8:32/4
Hey there! I just started reading your blog today and love how relatable it's turned out to be :) Wanted to offer up a different site for you to try out. I've had some success/failure with it, but at the least, some very interesting date stories! Try out OkCupid!
ReplyDeletehey everyone, sorry i was MIA for a bit - just wrapped up a big move back to the east coast.
ReplyDeleteok, sooo...
@ 10:42 - i really appreciate your sentiments towards me, but (& this isn't me just being PC, pleasant or perhaps annoyingly positive) i personally don't think that the majority of guys out there are stupid or that the girls guys are going for are trashy/slutty or anything along those lines. sure, that might be the case in some instances but i don't think most. in the same way that there have been many times where i don't feel a connection with a guy or feel more of a connection with someone else, the same happens on the flipside with guys & i don't think that either side can be blamed for that. when something i think might be going somewhere doesn't, i really just brush it off to "he's just not that into me" (something that both guys & girls need to get comfie with & not take so personally) & keep on with my whole "it only takes one mentality." i also insist that irrespective of any past negative experiences or the feeling of "it happening for everyone else but us" it's so important to not be jaded, bitter & resentful. that kind of stuff shows no matter how hard we try to hide it & most guys say that is a bigger turn off than anything else. oh & just a request for the future though - even though everyone knows who i am, pls stick to the "SM!" :-P
@ 3:59/11:12 - thanks so much for sharing your story; it's an awesome one b/c you ended up exploring something that the majority of us (& it seems including you at the time) couldn't possibly fathom as being something that would work out & lo & behold, it did! i really think that the more people talk about their experiences, the more open-minded people will (hopefully) become to trying something different than what they have been doing for the past however many # of years.
@ 8:32/4 - write me at smilemoonblog@gmail.com & i'll send you my address for the wedding invitation (just kidding! :-P), but that is so great to know (although i'm not quite sure how) that i was able to help in some way.
ReplyDelete& thanks for breaking it down on the whole website/guy not being in touch thing. some additional thoughts from me:
1) i think guys (at least at a certain age) should be paid members on shaadi.com. in my opinion, it's like, hello, you are on a website called "marriage.com," so you are supposedly serious about finding someone AND the majority of you supposedly also want the ball to be in your court (i.e. - her not to take the lead), so guys should be paid members.
2) yes, they need to eliminate the whole password protect thing. i think i'd feel better about being "declined" from the outset versus being accepted b/c of my profile & THEN declined once the person later sees my pics.
3) i think the whole "girl taking the lead" thing is so interesting. in so many of my previous posts, many guys insisted that they would love for girls to make the first move (initial contact, etc.) but in reality, i completely agree with you. they might like the idea in theory, but in actuality, men generally prefer to be the ones hunting.
regardless, thanks again for your thoughts & congrats on things working out with you & your GF.
@ 11:46 - thanks for checking out the blog, glad you liked it & will def check out that site!
hey everyone, so i checked out the OKcupid site & was intrigued at first that to do anything & everything on that site is pretty much free (sending messages, expressing/seeing received interested, etc.) you fill out your profile pretty typical to other sites & then you are asked to answer an infinite # of personality-type questions (they ask for a minimum of 25; there is a database of 3,000+ that both OKcupid & users on the site have created) that i believe help to give you some kind of matching rating, so the more ?'s you answer, the better.
ReplyDeletewell, i've been on the site for all of a day, & all of a sudden it felt like what being on shaadi in my younger years was like - unsolicited responses galore. however, they were from the most random people ever... there is no way (at least i haven't found it) to filter/block people that you would not consider (i.e. - the 20 year old who is writing his own book or the 39 year old from singapore who thanked me for wearing the bindi in my picture & adding to "this beautiful world"). ha.
the other horrifying disturbing thing is that with these questions, every 3rd question is about infidelity, 3-somes, everything under the sun in regards to sex, drugs, kicking dogs & all kinds of other stuff. i know that this website is a primarily non-indian site, so that's probably to be expected, but it's just another reminder of what american culture has sadly done to the process of finding your ultimate "life partner" - mucked it up a whole lot!
in summary, i'll probably be off the site by the end of the week, b/c i'm just getting creeped out by the majorly forward responses from men all over the age spectrum & the content of the questions is beginning to depress me, BUT like i always say, to each their own & there's certainly no harm in giving it a try.
Hi SM,
ReplyDeleteInteresting post. It is reassuring to read that other people have had a similar experience on shaadi.com. For many of us an online dating search will reveal no potential desi matches within our city/town, and so we have to contact people far away. Even those of you who live in major metro areas might find someone you like somewhere else. So, while we're on the topic of shaadi.com, I'm interested in hearing your thoughts and stories on dating at a long distance. Here I don't mean continuing a relationship at long distance, but *starting off* long distance.
My experience: It sucks. Talking on the phone a few times if fine, but then to decide you're going to travel far away to meet someone puts a great deal of pressure on that first encounter. I haven't actually plopped down the time and money to fly somewhere to meet a date yet, but I have heard from friends that it ends up being awkward. For some reason, most successful stories I've heard were of people going to India, perhaps because the norms there are so different (e.g., they are fine making a decision based on a few short meetings, if there is also family input). In other cases, there was also either major family pressure, or at least some opportunity that made the travel not so difficult (e.g., having a friend in that city to stay with).
Since this was also mentioned in some of the other comments, maybe this could be another post.
speaking of shaadi, can someone please explain what it means when someone tells you there is "no spark" just by seeing your profile? Is it just the picture or do people really read the profiles?
ReplyDeleteto 11:01 pm, i completely agree "it sucking" when it comes to starting off long distance. you are right that this can be a whole blog topic on its own. personally, i've had one dating experience that essentially started off long distance (however, this was with someone i met through friends & not via a website) & although one can say it didn't fare well b/c it ended, it actually was a really positive relationship b/c we both made a lot of effort to stay connected.
ReplyDeletewhen it comes to online dating though & starting off long distance i do think that's a whole lot suckier. i will definitely post about this soon & it'll be interesting to hear what other people have experienced when it comes to long distance - in the online world or otherwise.
to 7:16 - i personally think "no spark" can mean "not feeling it" either based on a person's picture and/or based on their actual profiles. i know there have been instances where i though a guy was attractive, but then read his profile which was a turn-off so hence "no spark." or there are also many times that i simply peruse through the profile pics, & determine (perhaps unfairly) that there wouldn't be an in-person physical spark. this whole dating thing is a toughie since it really requires both sparks to be ignited! maybe 8:32/4 would have more insight.
The internet is playing a big role in allowing people to find their marital partner, however the time spent on matrimonial sites can be very annoying and majority of the time you feel like your meeting people that aren't what your looking for. I've been there and I have had the same experiences as you guys. To be honest i've given up on internet sites like shaadi.com, i found it really frustrating. Recently I discovered www.shaadistation.co.uk - this service allows you to meet someone (a member of shaadi station staff)who will do all the searching for you. They take details of the type of person your looking for and using that information they introduce you to prospective matches. I have met 2 people from this service and although it hasn't worked out its a step in the right direction. The people I have been introduced to have been nice and matched most of the criteria that I have been looking for. My friend found her partner through this service too. Have a look and see what you think, you never it may prove to be lucky for us too... :)
ReplyDelete