What our parents & the arranged-marriage-ers of today got/get that we don't

Hi everyone, although my for-India love & desire to possibly spend some time there for the next phase of my professional life have not waned, I promise that this is my last post specific to India. I know there are books on this topic and that Vijay Uncle and many others have spoken extensively about it, but after spending an extended amount of time in the motherland recently, I feel the need to throw in my own 2 cents on the whole arranged marriage topic.

First (& sorry to repeat myself), but here are 2 "What I like" bullets from my "Random Thoughts from the Motherland" post:

• I'm not saying that all marriages in India are perfect or anywhere close, but I admire that marriages - for the most part - are about core cultural & family values. Most of all, they are about compromise & commitment especially in the arranged-marriage type situations, which by the way, I have no more unlove for. I've seen and spent time with so many our-generation arranged-marriage couples & they are AMAZING - just as if not more than most love marriage couples I know. When it comes to marriages & families, people here make it less about "me," personal satisfaction, appearances (i.e. - how hot one's wife looks after having babies) or other should-not be-end-all-be-all-type-things (like how hot sex is however many years into marriages), but about a shared purpose of what's good for the family or what people here often speak to - their "duty" as a wife/husband/mother/father (plus daughter/son). Again, I'm not saying that couples in the US - Indian & non - don't operate the same way, but I definitely think its to a different degree in both countries.
• Things happen with a certain timeliness here... I've said it in other posts, but I really do appreciate & respect that sense of urgency for what I personally think are 2 of life's most important life's happenings - marriage & kids. In India, for the majority of the population as soon as you finish your undergraduate studies the search for finding one's jeevan saathi (aka life partner) begins. When I told people in India about American dating/marriage timelines and trends - for example, how one is practically deemed crazy if you are in your mid 20's and want to get married (especially if you are a female) and how most people want to delay having kids for as long as they can post getting married so that they can enjoy without-kids married life - they all had a moment of quiet gratitude that they were raised in India and many chuckled out of pity as if we had it all backwards. On top of that, several people who are our age and had arranged marriages (families searched on their behalf, they met one or two times & then were allowed to say "yay or nay") said something along these lines (a bit of this gets lost in translating Hindi to English!)... "It's interesting that in the US you do everything out of your own choice including who you choose to marry. However, 50+% of these 'love marriages' end in divorce. We might not know wild passionate romance or know what the US version of 'in love' feels like, but I think we Indians here as a whole have a better sense of 'love' in its true meaning."

So, first off, I believe that one big reason why people in India who have arranged marriages have less overall dissatisfaction in their marriages (I'm only speaking to the relationships that I observed) is because unlike how things proceed in America, most people live very conservative & what those of us who are raised here would probably consider repressed lives well until their college & even post-college years. In general, Indian culture overall (in spite of what you see in Bollywood movies nowadays) is conservative in the sense that children & teenagers are not free to roam about as they please and boys & girls don't interact/date freely out in the open in their younger (& even older years) because it is not accepted by most general standards.

I understand that things in the big cities are perhaps different, but what I saw happening in the clubs of Mumbai - makeout fests galore - would still not be perceived as a-okay on the streets of Mumbai. Most importantly, parents teach their kids - boys & girls - this wonderful thing at a young age called "sharam" (shame), & this results in young people being more aware of their actions and fearful of the possible repercussions of acting out, the biggest of which is disappointing your parents/scrutiny from your family/community. As a result, young people actually stay young (i.e. - act in an age-appropriate way), and because of this overall cultural conservatism, most people don't have relationships in their teens, there are no 16-year old (not even 30-year old) celebrities who are made out to be heroes on the covers of magazines for getting knocked up out of wedlock, there are no shows called "Teen Mom" & young people are not desperate to have adult relationship experiences early on in life.

As a result, the vast majority of the in-India population has no or very limited relationship/dating experience before marriage. Besides what they see in movies (which they believe only happens in the movies, don't aspire to duplicate & therefore do not feel like their lives are "less than" because of), they do not have any or many relationships to make comparisons between nor do they have the multitude of factors that people make comparisons & hence relationship decisions (both to stay or go) on; i.e. "my last boyfriend did this better... my new girlfriend is really great, but she's not as..." The more relationship experiences - whether they be physical or not - the more all of us are left in this often disappointing pursuit of our ultimate version of perfection.

On top of that, young people in India have grown up believing (& again, this is for the most part) that the ultimate goal in life is to have a successful family life which to them means marriage & then kids. I'm not saying this is right or wrong or should be anyone's purpose in life, but aren't most of us in the U.S. aspiring for the same exact thing (hence, every dating show, book, coach, "networking" event, website, therapist, Vijay Uncle's 1000+ friends, this blog, etc. that all relate to that big "life goal")?? In spite of ultimately wanting that (& I think it's just a biological need more than a want), we are willing to make zero or only very limited compromises/sacrifices on our way to getting there & are also willing to end good/great relationships or pass up on promising connections with people because of "bad timing" due to long distance, completing some part of your schooling, not having dated/experienced enough or in general, our life's "ducks" not being in a row (for those of you who are like me & don't like/understand most idioms, that means to have everything in your life in order) or worse, because we are always wondering "what else (that's better) is out there??" (for example, "My relationship of 3 years has been great & all, but I'm only 24, so....")

For 90+% of the 1st-generation Indians reading this, your parents had an arranged marriage. Now I'll tell you the story of my parents & I imagine that the story of many of your parents was not far too different... my dad was 21, my mom was 20 & they had just completed their undergrad studies when my grandparents started their search looking for basic criteria... my parents were able to meet one or two times as the decision was ultimately theirs. They both said yes & were married soon after. My dad was a perpetual student with his sights set on the U.S., & my mom had a job as a teacher; she was the breadwinner for the first several months of marriage & this did not kill his ego "as a man." It was eventually time to leave India & just as your parents did (some of yours with a child in tow), they left everything & everyone they knew & made an almost 10,000 mile journey with "$8 in their pocket, nothing to their names." My dad continued his studies and between his scholarship and my mom working small jobs, they were just barely able to make ends meet. Slowly but surely they went from a studio apartment in the worst part of Brooklyn with their 2 small children to owning a home, cars & "the good life" by all American standards, but being the true desi parents that they are, that success is small in comparison to the ultimate success that all our parents strive for - the success of their children.

Sure, the values of their generation were very different than the values of our generation & times have completely changed so what worked then perhaps wouldn't now, but the point still is that they made things work in spite of their circumstances. They didn't wait to make their way towards their ultimate goal until everything was lined up perfectly (i.e. - my Dad was done with student life, he was making an income, they had more than $8 to their name, etc.) & most importantly, they didn't give up when things were less than perfect. I don't know if it's because in our world of weekly nights out, countless "networking" events, online dating & a "if it's not you, then no worries b/c there will be someone else" mentality, that we believe we have infinite options & therefore a million excuses for not pursuing opportunities with potential prospects. Whatever the reasons are, I just think it's sad that we have become a generation of countless failed relationships - whether they be multiple (& often lengthy) stints as boyfriend-girlfriend pairs, broken engagements or divorces.

Lastly, I'd like to tell you about the couple I stayed with in Mumbai (the ones who offered for me to stay with them because of my connection to their cousin in the U.S.). The couple is in their mid to late 30's, & they have 2 young daughters, who if I'm remembering correctly are 6 & 8 years old. The husband was out of town for the first part of my visit, so the wife & I immediately bonded. I saw pictures of her & her husband and listened to her recount stories of their married life together; hearing the naturalness & ease in her tone, I asked her how they'd met assuming that they had a "love marriage." She laughed saying "that's what everyone thinks, but we had a typical arranged marriage" (they are both from big cities, modern families). She said that when she was in her mid-20's her parents began their search for & it was quite torturous for her... showing up in sarees, serving tea & what not. After having screened & said "no" to many prospects, she was at her wit's end & refused to wear a saree for her next meeting; she also told her father that she would not go anywhere with the boy for "coffee/tea."

However, her father had already pre-planned that his daughter & the prospect would go meet on their own. She begrudgingly went & while a driver took them to a coffee shop, she sat awkwardly in the back seat with "this boy." The car came to a sudden halt & with a complete naturalness, he reached his hand out to her shoulder to keep her from hitting the front seat. She said to me, "it was in that single moment, that I knew that he was the one" & that's how he has been ever since - simple and caring. She said that although theirs is not an over-the-top romance, and her & her husband might never say "I love you" out loud to each other, they love each other. They are best friends, do not live their lives based on "roles/expectations" of husbands/wives, but do have a shared common purpose - living a moderate, but good & happy life by all standards & making the best life possible for their children.

Well, I'll wrap up by saying that after my time spent in India, I now also have zero unlove for guys going to India to search for their potential partner; before, it used to make my blood boil that these guys would waste the time of all these girls stateside only to then come back with a "made-to-order-bride" (as I believe I'd called it :-P), but really, it's not the fault of these guys that "they waste our time;" it's our fault because we let them (meaning we often stay in dysfunctional or zero potential relationships/situations in spite of knowing better). On a related side note, I think the book "Don't Bet on the Prince - How to Have the Man You Want by Betting on Yourself" (by Gilda Carle) should be a required read for every female 14+; this book is not a male bashing - it's actually a female bashing by another female on how "uh-duhhh/ someone should smack you upside the head for being so dumb" so many of us are when it comes to men. Sorry, back to my point... so.... if at the end of the day, desi men here don't feel like they are finding what they want , I say more power to them to go explore their options elsewhere.

Also on that note, although I previously said that girls "can't" do the same, I no longer feel that way because although it wasn't for the purpose of meeting guys specifically for "rishte" (relationship/marriage) reasons, I got to meet tons of raised-in-India-guys - married & single - who were just such wonderful & open-minded people. & while I was there, I kept thinking "oh wow, I wish I had been open-minded during all my previous trips to India (or had thought about it before coming on this one!) to considering prospects from there. Sure, there are your horror stories of from-India guys & girls, but we all know that any relationship you embark on - irrespective of where the person is from, how you know them, & how long you dated - is a risk & has no guarantees. I seriously & highly recommend - especially to the young-to-late-20-somethings & whether you are a guy or a girl - that the next time you are in India & your family suggests that you meet some people, at least humor them, because you really just never know.

Hai ram, as always, that was long so for those of you who read through the end (& even to those who tried but couldn't make it), thank you.

Write Soon ~ SmileMoon :)