About 2 months ago, one of my close girlfriends was telling me and several other girlfriends about a matchmaker she had met who she "thought was really amazing" and was encouraging us to get in touch with. I smiled, nodded & said "oh yeah, that sounds great," took her business card only to, of course, never look at it again. I stumbled upon that business card a few weeks later & thought "SmileMoon, if not for yourself, you should at least look into this for research purposes." I then reached out to the matchmaker, Bela Gandhi, and within a few days we met for the first time at NetIP Chitown's Recruitment Night.
To say that Bela was not what I expected would be an understatement. First off (& she doesn't know this), when I initially met Bela I couldn't hear her name properly when we were introduced, so I thought she was "one of us" (you know... the mostly singles who go to these events to "network" & not married for 10+ years with 2 kids... side note: NetIP, I am not poking fun at the organization or its efforts at all, but I think we'd all agree that if it weren't for all the single people out there, membership & participation would be sparse). Within a few minutes, I realized that "ohhhh, that's BELA!" and soon after, several friends (even a pair of my engaged friends who thought she was fabulous!) & I had at-length conversations with her throughout the night. I was so impressed with Bela that I asked her if we could please meet up some time soon to talk some more.
She happily agreed and a few days later we met up at Starbucks for what I originally thought would be a one-hour or so-ish conversation but turned into a 3-hour conversation that could have gone on had we both not had other commitments. We talked about a lot but below are some of the key questions & answers that will help all of you get an understanding of what matchmaking - Bela Gandhi style - is all about.
1) We are all familiar with online dating, networking (often aka meet-people-to-date) events, etc., but what exactly do you do as "Matchmaker" & why did you get into it?
I have always loved connecting people, personally and professionally. I have been a matchmaker as long as I can remember – back to my college roommate Audrey. I felt that unquestionable “sixth sense” kick in – and knew that she should be with my friend Simon. Finally, just before my wedding a few years later, they were both single, and I gave them my own dose of tough love. I told them they could either go out on a date, or I would “force” them into an awkward date by seating them next to each other at my wedding. I told them, “If you go out on one date – you will marry each other.” Simon capitulated, and called her one-week before the wedding. They are now married with 3 kids – living in Glenview.
So…. the reason I’ve decided to do this professionally now is ironically due to the online dating revolution. Online dating has become so prevalent, that even 2003 statistics show that 1 out of 2 single people in America had tried online dating. Online dating services and social networking sites have dramatically increased people’s access to one another. The downside to increased access is that people are now far more apt to screen out good candidates because they feel that a better person is just a mouse click away--and worse, they find themselves screened out for the same reasons. What we’ve found is people more than ever want and need the human touch in helping them find their significant other…enter…..The Matchmaker…..
As a matchmaker, I develop personalized strategies to help people find their mates. This starts out with an in-depth questionnaire, which helps me to get to know the client deeply….general profile (background, education, etc), relationship history/what works/what hasn’t. Then, we have a phone / in person session, where we co-author a “find someone wonderful” plan. Depending on the person, this plan can include “dating coaching” (have you seen the movie “Hitch”?), image consulting, online profile consulting, and of course, matchmaking in its traditional definition (I hand pick several candidates to introduce my clients to).
2) 2) You've worked with a significant amount of clients/friends - if there was one thing that you would say is the most common "hang-up"/personal issue that individuals have with their approach to dating?
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We talked about a lot more including my dating experiences, current potential "situations" (if they can even be called that) and within that short time, I had so much insight into yours truly as well as the dating process, that I asked her to explain the "how to get involved" process. Basically, every client of Bela's - no matter to what extent they utilize her services - goes through an initial "personal strategy" consultation.
If you are one of those people who - when it comes to dating & finding your "one" - has been doing essentially the same thing for the last 5-20 years (the latter # is not exaggerated considering we all know late 30/early 40-something individuals & most of us have been on this search since our early 20's) expecting different results, I highly recommend considering reaching out to Bela (she has clients all over the country). She is kind, honest & so on point, and I strongly encourage everyone make that small investment in themselves because if you are willing to hear the feedback & make the necessary changes, you WILL get different results and make progress towards finding your right person.
That's all from me today & I'll keep you posted on my results as I go through the initial consultation process.
Write soon ~ SmileMoon :)
p.s. - Bela is one of only 4 Matchmakers nationwide trained by Rachel Greenwald, who in the world of dating is a pretty big deal (http://www.findahusbandafter35.com/?id=1)! Meet Bela (& me! although I will not be SmileMoon at the event :-P) @ NetIP Chicago's Valentine Mixer on Thursday, February 11th, which includes an opportunity for speed dating (spots for this are limited). If you are interested, please see the links below.
If you are not a member, please register for Speed Dating here:
https://secure.www.
If you are a member, please register for Speed Dating here:
"Waiting is a trap. There will always be reasons to wait. The truth is, there are only two things in life, reasons and results, and reasons simply don't count." - Dr. Robert Anthony
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I've met Bela and she is very smart and successful.
ReplyDeleteSo SmileMoon, did you learn anything from your meeting? Probably yes. But will you change your behavior? Probably not.
Looks like the above comment is from someone who SmileMoon rejected via a mouse click who is still reeling. Haterade drinker in the house!
ReplyDeleteWith a name like PinkSand you'd think that the person who wrote above comment would realize I am a girl. But obviously that person isn't the sharpest tool in the shed. But...never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
ReplyDeletePinkSand, although your tone (as I can read it & apparently Anonymous did as well) was condescending & assumptive, I will answer your questions because they are fair ones. Did I learn anything? Definitely yes. Will I change my behavior? Well, after 3 hours @ a Starbucks with Bela, I will unlikely CHANGE my behavior; however, I will be more aware of certain things that she spoke to in GENERAL since my time with her was NOT a SmileMoon "personal strategy" analysis or anything of the sort.
ReplyDeleteI'll ask Bela to check out the comments or perhaps if you know her, reach out to her personally, since she would be able to tell you more about how people have changed their behaviors after working with her. I hope that answered your question in regards to me though...
Anyway, I'd like to request that you both (& anyone else reading) not get into a back & forth name-calling banter here; I'm pretty sure that anything can be said without calling someone "stupid" & without making fun of another person's posting (mr. haterade). Most of all, being that you're all ANONYMOUS, what you & a lot of people insist on doing is pretty pointless, and I far from think that the person who jabs back with the nastier-wittier statement comes out a winner at the end of all of it.
So, please kindly stop & if not, the "approve comment before posting" feature will soon be enabled or I'm just going to start deleting at will.
Well Bella can lead a horse to water but she can't make it drink.
ReplyDeleteI find it interesting that we need to go to a complete stranger to be setup. It's sad that although we ideally want to "meet through friends", not many friends actually follow through with setting up two people. Even the ones who are married and settled down, will not go out of their way. Probably because it's awkward to be in the middle, or because they don't have the time or something like that. The only people who probably actively set you up is your family or a family friend sometimes, but the guys that come through that avenue have issues of their own. It's as if everyone is on their own and other's just watch. How much can a professional matchmaker really know about you? does she care about you and your best interest like family would? probably not.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the above posting. Get to know people that are already in the picture, instead of seeing what else is out there.
ReplyDeletehey everyone, thanks for posting. ok, first off, i agree about the horse-water analogy which can apply to everything in life... a change of any kind - physical, spiritual, behavioral, etc. - all has to ultimately come from within.
ReplyDeleteas for meeting through friends/family, i've had challenges there b/c whether they say there is or not, your friends & family naturally have a lot of expectation & hope when they set you up with someone. i believe they do get disappointed when something doesn't pan out & personally, although i always appreciate recommendations/connections facilitated by them, i feel bad when things don't pan out - whether it be from my side, the other person's or just in general.
i do, however, think it's interesting that there is this MASSIVE # of single people who know tons of other single/non-single people & that more connections don't end up happening.
as for how much can a professional matchmaker really know about you? well, i imagine that a matchmaker would get to know you the same way that anyone does - whether it be a new friend, therapist, co-worker... with time. & after reading bela's initial questionnaire, i imagine she might actually know more about some of her clients than some of their closest friends do. most importantly, she is looking at an individual OBjectively whereas our friends & family are not.
& when it comes to bela specifically (being that she is the only matchmaker i personally know & someone who i would now call a friend), i would say YES, she does care about you & your best interest - maybe not in the same way as family - but in the way a concerned & "really wants to help" friend would. i can only imagine the deep satisfaction she gets from successful matchmaking and if it doesn't get to that, at least helping someone get the insight into their personal & dating behaviors that will hopefully help them move closer to meeting their "one."
woops, i meant to reply to the posting about getting to know people already in the picture instead of seeing what else is out there. personally, i feel that if something hasn't transpired with the people you already know well (friends, friends of friends, family friends, etc.), it is unlikely going to. therefore, it's really important to "see what else is out there" - whether it be through networking events, through friends/family/matchmaker, via dating websites (or a "seriously looking" album), etc. the getting together process of today just doesn't work as it did in the past or as, so i think it's important that people explore as many options as possible. as many friends have told me who are now dating people, it often (& maybe sadly?) boils down to a #s game.
ReplyDeleteI know Bela, and she is also a dating coach. It's surprising on how many people don't know how to date including my former self. Both guys and girls dismiss potential SO's (significan others) too quickly. People are neither perfect nor mindreaders so your date most likely is not what you want the first or second time around but one should recognize if your date has a good heart and will be there for you in the time of need. People also get nervous on dates so you may not see the "real" person right away.
ReplyDeleteThere is nothing wrong with seeing what's out there but there maybe something right next to you that you never considered. Also, if you keep looking at what is out there, you will keep drifting and look for more options and sadly stay single.
I personally think that you should go out on as many dates as you can to practice dating. You will find out what is truly important to you and what is not. You will also learn a lot about yourself.
I agree 100% with Lemur. Until I went on a lot of dates and actually reflected on why I liked certain people more than others, I didn't really know what I want. I think the risk of "clicking no" so easily on profiles is that (a) you are confident you know what you want, and you are probably not right in this assessment (b) you won't go on enough dates and thus refine that. I don't know Bela but I imagine she is good at actually helping you realize what you really want as opposed to the checklist or as opposed to someone who seems right on paper.
ReplyDeleteLemur, my friend, good seeing you last night & thanks for reading & posting. I hope what I said about exploring various options did not come across as recommending that anyone drift, but more that if they have explored options "right next to them" & if that's still not panning out, to be open to other possibilities.
ReplyDelete& yes, Bela is a dating coach as well & more than "matchmaking" per se, the biggest help she provides to her clients is in that area.
Although dating can be painful/frustrating/awkward at times, it's important to date & going on "dates" with more than one person during the same time period is not a bad thing. I know that as girls we're especially bad at this kind of multi-dating (I personally know I suck at it b/c of all this "guilt" I feel), but don't pass off other potentials b/c you might have a date with who you think might be your dream guy. All of a sudden, you might realize he's not & now there are people out there who won't consider you again b/c you wrote them off.
Having a desi matchmaker sounds like an interesting concept. As far as I am concerned whatever we have been trying is not working so one should be open to try it out.
ReplyDeleteI am not sure how her fee structure works.
To anonymous "I find it interesting that we need to go to a complete stranger to be setup.' I see nothing wrong with it. Just because you go to her does not mean you cannot continue your own efforts. On the other hand having someone like that keep you focused in the game may be very beneficial.
What possible logical explanation do you have for not becoming her client? As it is you are seriously looking and Bela is in Chicago and you are open to her help.
Keep us posted. :P
smilemoon - what do you mean by "as many friends have told me who are now dating people, it often (& maybe sadly?) boils down to a #s game." number of people you meet? i definitely believe that to be true, but more so to learn what is out there and to learn more about what you need.. but at some point, it's about what you build. no one guy will give you everything you need. aim for 50% of what you want, and someone who cares for you just the way you are.
ReplyDeleteVijay Uncle- when you say "whatever we have been trying has not been working" do you mean the Seriously Looking profiles for both men and women?
ReplyDeleteIf yes, this is very sad indeed. The women and men listed in the profiles are very accomplished and seem like great people.
Smilemoon - why did you remove yourself from the Seriously Looking profile? (I hope you don't mind that I am asking...if this question is too invasive then no need to answer :))
hi yo mama (love the name :-D), now i have no idea what uncle meant, but i took it to mean more of us singles' collective behavior/experiences when it comes to dating as "whatever we have been trying has not been working;" however, it might be in regards to the seriously looking albums although for the same reasons you said, i'm hoping not. uncle?
ReplyDeleteas for why i took myself off the album (good catch on your part!), nope, that's not invasive at all & is a very fair question considering how much i tout vijay uncle's efforts.
i think i was one of the first 10 girls to be in the album and all of a sudden, i was meeting a lot of "live" people in chicago & being connected through family/friends to some other people, so i honestly just felt weird being in the album while considering those other options. that was my whole guilt complex issue; i really don't have that anymore.
the next question might be, well then why aren't you back? good question & one that vijay uncle asked me the other day! honestly, i think in spite of being on shaadi or having been posted in uncle's album, i feel more comfie (as i know everyone does) with the idea of forming a connection with someone in person, & i think i might even be better suited for something like the matchmaker route, speed-dating events & those sort of things where i know right from the get go whether i feel any kind of connection.
i've personally been disappointed meeting some people i've met via online or there's just been zero connection (all the phone vibe translated into an in-person nada), so with a new year where i kind of have a good social thing going in chicago, i'm going to keep the faith that something in person will pan out.
long story short (sorry, that's tough for me via writing!), i'm still very seriously looking just in other ways. thanks for posting ~ SM :)
"What you have been doing is not working refers to those of you who are making sincere efforts for years (not months) and do not have many successful encounters to speak of. By successful encounter I mean you got pretty close to selling your self to the person who also got pretty close to accepting you. Ask yourself how many times did you make a sell to the person you would also accept?
ReplyDeleteOnce you acknowledge the fact that your strategy is not working basically there are four options
1. Keep hoping that given time it will work out (wishful thinking)
2. Make drastic improvement in the product (that is you - generally not possible)
3. Come up with a winning strategy in marketing yourself (go to Bela - Jasbina - Vijay Uncle or come up with any other innovative solution)
4. Change your expectations - realize that Mr. Perfect does not exist and start making compromises (mostly on the curb appeal while keeping your focus on the core value)
Many people have misconception as to "I am already seeing someone how can I be on the seriously looking album." This is farthest from the truth. By being on the album you are making a public statement that I am serious - willing to be transparent and accountable. As a matter of fact many of those on the album meet someone on their own who may have never heard of Vijay Uncle and bring them to me. Both parties then agree with the rule of the game and the referee (Vijay Uncle).
My goal is to change the way you guys go about your screening & evaluating the prospect. I want both the participants willing to give feedback - willing to examine their performance in the process (it is easy to evaluate the performance of the prospect) and be ready to be challenged on your concept. One woman was challenged on her need to marry only an ivy leaguer, the other one on her need to marry only in one part of USA etc.
We are also mobilizing the community in general to help the process. This morning Reena Pandya posted the profile at 5 AM within hours someone came up with a suitable candidate in Hong Kong! Sounds like a farfetched proposition. Not to me, we are going to discuss the possible challenges. If we can come up with a game plan that is acceptable to all the parties we might explore the option. Getting the referral from some one I personally know helps the process.
All said, no one system works for all. You have to figure out which one meets your need the best. But one thing I emphasize is that you should be result oriented and should be cognizant of the fact that 'time is the terrible thing to waste.' That is why so many of you get a gentle reminder from me when nearly 5 months have passed since the NetIP
As much as I like more of you to be on the album I am appreciative of the fact that if you are not ready for the participation in the process – not being on the album is a good thing to do. I would like to be on the album an active process and not a passive process like barbaadi.com!
I think people write off others too quickly as there are so many ways to meet people - events, friends, family and of course the Internet. So sometimes people do see it as a numbers game as there are qusntities of potentials. People dismiss quickly as they feel another will come along that will meet more their requirements. But like I said before they don't take time to get to know the person who they may click with.
ReplyDeleteI have been guilty of that and regret that I didn't get to know some of my dates better. Unexpectedly I've had former dates communicate with me that they wish they had given me more of a chance and in a sense given themselves a chance.
Remember, when you don't give someone a chance, you don't give yourself a chance.
I'm Bela's client, a mid 30s female. Tried Shaadi, Indian Dating, set ups, blind dates, you name it. I believe in Einstein's definition of insanity - doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results, so I was open to the idea of a dating/coach matchmaker. I had interviewed a few other services but didn't "feel it." I heard about Bela through a friend, and met her a few days later for the consult. After our session, (during which I learned quite a few things), I decided to hire her. Her approach differs from others out there: she truly partners with her clients for best results, and requires you to "do your part" during the matchmaking process.
ReplyDeleteThe objective feedback that she gets is so, so key to this process - that you can't get that from your friends/family easily, or truthfully. I have learned why my friends think I'm still single (a little serious, am a bit "picky", etc), things that they wouldn't have told me directly - but that I agree with. Probably the best thing I'm learning since working is how my attitude/ behavior on dates affects my success, and I really didn't know what was attractive/unattractive to the men I was dating. She gives me a lot to read and think about, and refers me to events in the city I wouldn't have thought of attending. One of Bela's partners is an Image Consultant, (the current President of AICI Chgo). They have organized a personal shopping session for me on 2/26 - to update my dating wardrobe! Bela's professional writer is revising my online profile - so that it reflects a truer and more compelling picture of who I am. She does what you need, knows you super well, to make sure you will be the best match you can.
What is the cost of using Bela's service?
ReplyDeleteHi Everyone-
ReplyDeleteThanks for your insightful comments. As many of you have pointed out, there are lots of ways aside from matchmakers to meet single people, i.e. general socializing, friends, family, online. To answer a question posed by someone above, there are two reasons people generally use matchmakers. First, matchmakers give people another route to meet people they didn't have access to before....and it is highly confidential. Second, matchmakers give people partnership and support through the process that many people tend to find valuable. Like anything, there are advantages and disadvantages to matchmakers. Matchmaking is a confidential, safe, discreet, and informative way to meet new people and become better at the dating process. But, of course, matchmaking has no guarantee, and costs more than going it alone.
If you chose to go with a matchmaker, make sure you interview the matchmaker before hiring them - and ensure that you "work well" with them. There has to be good "chemistry" between you and matchmaker for the search to be successful. I would be happy to answer any individual questions you may have and help you in the best way for you (chicagosmatchmaker @gmail.com).
Echoing the sentiments of those on this blog, truly know what values are important to you in a lifelong partner, and give people a chance ☺
Hey guys! I am one of Bela's clients and can honestly say I have nothing but great things to say about her and her service. Prior to meeting Bela, I had pretty much tried everything over the course of 3-4 years from online dating, going to SAPA/Netip events, meeting girls in India, to having my parents set me up. The process was extremely frustrating, I felt like I was meeting the same people over and over again, and I just wasn't meeting the right type of girls. I met Bela several months ago, and soon afterwards, hired her (a great decision, I must say :). I can say without hesitation she is a workhorse who is committed to helping her clients find someone special, and in the process, making sure they have fun. I consider her as a friend foremost, and I constantly observe that many people who meet her (like SmileMoon! :) feel the same. She's done a great job finding matches for me so far, and I actually just went on a third date yesterday with a girl she set me up with! I'm under no false impression that Bela will definitely find someone for me, but in less than 2 months, I have talked to and been interested in more girls than I have been in 3 years.....thats exciting! Its great to know you have someone on your side looking for you, and I'm as optimistic as ever that I will find someone soon. For anyone seriously looking for someone special in their life, I wholeheartedly encourage you to reach out to her! I can't say it enough. And if you need some extra convincing, ask Bela for my contact information (I've given her the go ahead)....I'd be happy to share more details about my experience with
ReplyDeleteyou! I believe in her service that much.
Btw, SmileMoon - great blog!
i realized i never wrote back to the person who asked what i meant when i said: "as many friends have told me who are now dating people, it often (& maybe sadly?) boils down to a #s game." what i meant (or what these friends of mine mean) is basically not to be put all your figurative (or literal) eggs in one basket. i know that as women, once we meet a guy that we connect with, we often shut the door on all other potential options... if we're on a dating website, we stop looking or responding... if someone else expresses interest in us, we somehow directly or indirectly let them know that we're not available...
ReplyDeletei actually learned this lesson best from my sister-in-law (& my brother knows this story well), who told me that when she met my bro that she wasn't always available for when he was trying to make plans w/ her b/c she actually had other dates planned. she continued to consider other people until she very confidently & WITH REASON knew that my bro (who - & yes, of course i'm biased - is honestly one of the best HUMAN BEINGS in the planet) was the guy that SHE was most interested in, worth her time & also worth putting the kabash on other dating possibilities.
one other unrelated piece of advice to the ladies out there... always remember the "he's just not that into you" phenomenon when you meet a guy who has countless reasons (or you're making them up for him) for not being available to do give you time (to talk on the phone, meet up with you, be in touch more than a bi-weekly basis, etc.). i can go on about my brother for a lifetime, but at the time he met my now-sis-in-law, as chief resident of his program who was also active in changing up all kind of procedural/admin stuff in his hospital & along with being the go-to guy for all his friends for pretty much anything, my bro definitely wasn't rolling in "time." however, he relentlessly pursued my sis-in-law, & he was completely transparent in his intentions by his every ACTION.
six months after their meeting, i accompanied him to go ring shopping & 9 months into their relationship, they were engaged. i'm not saying it's about speed, but you understand what i'm trying to say.
I wonder if there are matchmakers yet in other cities--like, say, Philadelphia?
ReplyDelete