Whacked out values...

So I mentioned how our values are completely out of whack in the last post, & I wanted to elaborate....  For this topic, it's probably easiest for me to talk about myself, but please let me be clear...  I am no Mother Teresa, who has never done, said or thought a less than holy thing in her life, so I never intend to come across as one.  I've met a lot of phenomenal people in my life who I aspire to be like in many ways, but I have yet to ever meet anyone in the saintly-perfect category; & I'm sorry to break this to anyone who thinks you know, are married/related to, bff's with someone or are in that category yourself, but even the very best person you know has done something not-so-nice to someone, made fun of people, broken someone's heart, complained, gossiped or done something less than holy & noble.  Therefore, I try (key word, try) my best not to judge unless someone's values/character are really out of whack (or unless you are just so god awfully rude or annoying! :-P)

On the judgment note, I'm also not someone who does well with hypocrisy which I think is rampant in the desi community... you know, people who talk about seva & giving, but are stingy & selfish or don't do anything that involves helping others unless there's an audience or a tax-deduction... or people who pass judgment on anyone who does any of the following - drinks, smokes, hooks-up, eats meat/beef, etc. - but they do/ have done one or some combination of the aforementioned (whether it be once or a million times); I just love the hardcore judgmental-type religious non-beef eaters with their leather sofas, belts & shoes.... "I'm not eating it but it's okay if Mr. Cow loses his life for my Kenneth Coles."  Ri-iiight, 'cuz that makes sense.  I personally don't think what you do or do not eat/drink, how many people you have or have not hooked up with, your refraining from or partaking in smoking, whether you go to temple never or frequently, or anything along those lines makes anyone a good or bad person (& on a random side note, I'm sorry, but if you are one of the few severely whacked out people that still believes in the caste system here in AMERICA, you should likely move back to the motherland & preferably another planet...) - those all are personal lifestyle choices & don't necessarily speak to who you actually are as a person.  The thing is that when it comes down to it, considering that no one is in the saintly category, all of us regular human beings naturally rationalize & justify all of our behaviors/actions to ourselves and those close to us so that we can sleepy easy at the end of the day 

That whole loooong tangent was to make the point that SmileMoon does not think she is a saint b/c I am pretty sure someone would anonymously call me out on it if I pretended to be!  Sainthood aside & whilst being a regular human being (I've never used the word "whilst" before - probably didn't use it correctly! :-P), I do know what I value - what's important to me in the big picture of life & what kind of person I am.  As for the latter, I'd like to think I'm a decent person if not slightly better than decent & as for what I value, more than anything it is... my time & relationships.  This might stem from being a very idealistic person, but I know that for the most part, I am not motivated by a lot of things that I find typically motivate a lot of other people - especially South Asians.  Well, let's just jump right in...

Time - Time has always been something that I have been hyper-aware of & the fact that it is limited... I therefore live with a "life is precious because it ends" mentality.  For as long as I can remember, I have taken pause, reflected on my life & how I'm spending my time when individuals that I (or someone) knew passed too suddenly, family/friends have been sick, & those other world moments that deeply effected all of us other whether we were directly effected or not (like 9/11, the Tsunami, Katrina, etc).   No, this does not make me a morbid or pessimistic person; if you know me, you know I'm the opposite.  However, what it does make me is very appreciative of & grateful for what I have in life; I am always taking stock of what I have been blessed with & am forever making sure that the people in my life who are important to me know it now, b/c none of us are guaranteed a tomorrow (I live by the Anna Cummins quote "Do not save your loving speeches for your friends till they are dead.  Do not write them on their tombstones, speak them rather now instead."  My poor friends are forever having to deal with my random gush/sap-fests (Love you all for putting up with me! :-D)

I've also done what some would think are crazy & scary things like jump off a 50-foot cliff into the ocean in Jamaica (ok, that actually was crazy b/c I can't tread water & almost drowned - yes, I am a special person - Thanks Mr. Big Jamaican hero-man for the rescue!! :-P), white-water rafting & sky-diving b/c I love feeling alive & challenging myself to do something that scares me to death.  For those of you know me well, I also say "Yes" to a ton of social things b/c more than anything else, I love being around my friends (& family, who I am flying home to see every chance I can) & time spent with them is more valuable to me than anything else.  I try my hardest not to live in the past (more on this in the soon-to-come "I don't do gray" posting) & I would say for the most part , I don't get caught up in worrying about the future either; I'm an easy-going person with an "enjoy life" mentality who has a general "it will all work out" kind of attitude, & I'm sure to some people all of the above is irresponsible, immature or something along those lines, but again, for those who know me, I am none of those things.

Relationships - Relationships are completely tied into my perspective on time.  I'm always in awe of people who sacrifice their quality of life/the relationships they have (or could be in) for the sake of their careers; most would say that they are hard-working & okay, sure they are.  The thing is while taking the time thing into consideration & knowing that this is our one shot at this one life, how many of us are actually going to look back at our lives on our lasts day here & say "Oh, I'm so glad I spent 3-4 decades of my life in school, worked 80 hours a week, made a boat load of money, became VP of a company while missing out on... being in a fulfilling relationship/marriage, watching my kids grow up, enjoying life, etc.."  Why do we invest so more time & effort into our professional success but when it comes to relationships so many of us are half-a$$ about them or are simply oblivious as to what it takes to make one really work?


On this topic, I really think desi parents jacked it up for us big time b/c for the most part, they equated having a good life with having a successful career... financial security (preferably lots of $$$)... & status.  My parents also did this to some extent (sans the status part) which is understandable - when you come to a foreign country with $8 in your pocket, naturally placing a lot of value on financial success makes sense.  The thing is that my parents - through how they treated other people or the situations, people & experiences they exposed us to - taught me & my brother that the people in our lives matter more than anything else (more on this for soon-to-be or existing parents with still-young children)


Now please don't think I'm naive here; $$$ is great (Oh! I just thought of this great Adam Sandler quote from The Wedding Singer when he's interviewing for a job at a bank:  "No, sir, I have no experience but I'm a big fan of money. I like it, I use it, I have a little. I keep it in a jar on top of my refrigerator. I'd like to put more in that jar. That's where you come in." Ha... I love that movie)  Sorry, I digress... where was I...?  Oh yeah, I love nice things and experiences just like the next person; it's just that they aren't the end-all-be-all for me.  No one has ever impressed me because of what they do, how nice their house/car/said bling is or how much they make; instead, I get impressed by people who have great character (especially those who are humble & down to earth in spite of their rolling in it!), strong relationships and some kind of passion (whether it be saving the world, making other people laugh, music, cooking, dancing, living up life - anything!).

On the relationship-value-being-jacked-up-front, I think a lot of Desi girls are majorly twisted... faaaar too many are in pursuit of a doctor/lawyer/uber-wealthy husband...  sadly, too many are willing to compromise on a fulfilling relationship & have passed up many a great guy in an order to have Mr. Desi Perfect Check Mark Man.  & waaay too many guys out there who make a whole lot of $$$ only have that going for them & that's not a problem, b/c, like moths to a flame, the ladies will come without much effort on their part.  It goes something like this... "Doctor?  "Call me-eee"  Surgeon? (As she breaks out into song)... "Take me to the mandap in my red dress!"  True story :-D  To make another reference to that oh-so-fun Jagged Edge song... "we ain't getting no younger," so we need to get our priorities straight & figure out what's really important to us... 

I'm in NO way saying "settle" or be with someone with whom you don't have a strong connection with & attraction to, but don't pass up the strong connection (great conversation, laughter, etc.) b/c a certain superficial or not-so-important element is not there & don't stay in something that your gut instinct tells you is wrong or un-fulfilling just because it looks so right on paper.  Remember, you can marry Mr. DPCMM-doctor/lawyer/rolling in the $$$'s guy, but one day say he loses his job, his practice closes, or god forbid,  something else happens & all of a sudden he is not Mr. Money Bags.  Now what...?  Life is long & do you really want to spend it with just a hefty paycheck...?

Well, that's all for me today.  I hope everyone is enjoying the holidays (I love this time of the year although I'm putting myself on an emotional roller coaster having "All I want for Christmas" & "Christmas Shoes" on the same playlist! :-P) & I'll definitely be writing again before the end of the year.


2 more quotes for thought below... FYI, my mom used to type me up a different quote every day & put it in my lunch box/bag growing up & as a result, I'm a huuuuge fan.  I've been slow with using them so far & I'm sorry for the overload today, but they have always been so wonderful at giving me perspective & inspiration, & I hope that they do the same for you.


Write soon ~ SmileMoon :)


"Tell me who admires and loves you and I will tell you who you are." (Charles Augustine Sainte-Beuve)


"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."   (Maya Angelou)